[Normal][Comedy] I can't think of a better image to use for "ponies inside Twilight Sparkle's Head"
Author: Wierdplatformer
Description: What if your best friend could know what's inside your head? Maybe put on your shoes for a day? Twilight knows.Trading Places, Hooves and All Chapter 1
Trading Places, Hooves and All Chapter 2
Trading Places, Hooves and All Chapter 3
Trading Places, Hooves and All Chapter 4 (New!)
Additional Tags: Long, Accident, Dream, Magic, Switch
62 kommentaari:
this is shaping up quite well. It's a bit confusing but that's likely to be a symptom of this sort of story.
VastaKustutaVery well written. I look forward how things will work out for them.
VastaKustutaWell written. Seems... interesting, to say the least. Them "learning" each other's cutie mark skills has the potential to be both interesting and hilarious. I'm banking on the latter ;)
VastaKustutaWe shall see, methinks.
gimmie more pwease :3
VastaKustutaI really am liking this! For some reason, I just like stories like this. It's breezing along nicely with some really good conflict and I can't wait for the next chapter!
VastaKustutaI like where this is going. Keep up the good work!
VastaKustutaI ask for a swap fic and it is delivered quite promptly, though I doubt it had anything to do with me.
VastaKustutaI was wondering about the lack of such a fic.
I'm predicting Dash winding up with a Psychoshy moment of 'why won't you love me?'
VastaKustutaCool concept, pretty well-written on a technical level. Unfortunately, the dialogue is not as "in character" as it is in other fics. I also think that daydream from Luna was a bit unnecessary.
VastaKustutaI'm glad you all liked it. I'm currently writing more as we speak. If you want to give me any ideas, I'll gladly consider them.
VastaKustuta@Muffinsforever There was another one with Rarity and Fluttershy a while back.
VastaKustutaThere's also one with Applejack and Rainbow Dash:
VastaKustutahttp://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-to-trot-mile-in-anothers-hooves.html
I'm expecting a swap-episode for season 2. It's a no-brainer.
Also, that picture could not have been more perfect.
VastaKustutaThere's so going to be an episode like this in Season 2... And what happens to Twilight's mane if Pinkie gets depressed while in Twilight's body? Oh, there are so many odd possibilities to work with here...
VastaKustutaIm going to read it, only because it is a google Doc and I can download it to word.
VastaKustutaIf it was non downloadable, why bother with Copypasta?
It is confusing and needs more explanation, but overall good ideas!
VastaKustutaTwilight also faces a VERY big complication, which is probably why the mix-up happened in the first place:
VastaKustutaPinkie is a schizoid.
And since Twilight is in Pinkie's body, but only Pinkie's personality got switched, Twilight is currently conflicting with Pinkamena's personality, which is still in Pinkie's body.
Twilight is going to have to have a VERY long and heartfelt talk with Pinkie Pie in order to solve that problem.
Very interesting so far...
VastaKustutaHoo, doggie... we got us a doozie here...
VastaKustutaAlright, how do we go about reviewing this. Let's start off with the positives. I love the premise. Swap fics as a result of magical accidents. Love them. Always make for some fun situations in any fandom. I've actually seen a few others for FiM, but none of them have been very good. This one... isn't much better though. Sorry.
Don't get me wrong, you have the basics down. You have a cool idea, a decent set up, and some reasonable solutions, but it's just very... clunky.
If you were to ask me, this story sufferes from three major problems: Confusing Imagery, Underdeveloped scenes and events, And misplaced focus.
I've seen a lot of comments saying it was well written and I'm sorry but I'm inclined to disagree. It moves incredibly fast to the point where the reader misses what happens. I'm inclined to believe you're trying to follow the concept of "show don't tell." Show don't tell in the sense that you don't straightforwardly say "Twilight made her mind into a ballroom" and instead say "she put up curtains, tiles, flowers, etc etc." It's good in theory but your execution is a little bit lacking. You see, you're still telling, but in mistakenly thinking you're showing, you're not telling us anything. Does that make sense? What I'm basically saying is that the message you're trying to get across does not get across with what you tell us. TO take that part as an example, when Twilight set up the ballroom in her head, I visualized it as the Ponyville Library's kitchen. It was only when they brought up the Grand Galloping Gala that I realized you were trying to get "ballroom" across.
To put it another way, if you told us "She made her mind into a ballroom" then that would put the image the reader's head. It would be too straightforward and very unimpressive, but it'd get the job done. Instead you give us aspects off the ballroom, such as the tiles, curtains, flowers, etc, but there's nothing specific or descriptive about these things so you're not showing, you're continuing to tell. You're just telling us in a way that confuses the reader because you tell us nothing of value. If you wanted to show, perhaps instead there should be words like "The ponies watched in awe as intricately patterned tapestries hung on the wall from shimmering chains, flashing images of rolling hills and flowing valleys across their weaved surfaces and marble tiles patterned with roses and lilies ingrained themselves into the floor below. Grand stone pillars rose up from the ground as silken, red and gold trimmed curtains fell around stained glass windows." THAT does a far better job of showing than just saying, "Tiles, Curtains, and Flowers set up everywhere" and gives the reader enough information to show a vague picture in their head, that is still specific enough to visualise a grand, supernatural ballroom springing up from nowhere.
It's the concept of atmosphere. Words that carry an idea with them in the reader's head, descriptive words like shhimmering, intricate, flowing, rolling, grand, and so forth. Careful placement of these words in such a way that the reader gets a feel for what is being described and feels like they could reach out and touch it. This is how you sow. Describe what is going on in little details where it is appropriate and you can build a whole world around the reader. As it is, it's bland and a little bit confusing.
^ Continued Review from above since Blogger is silly and can't handle long comments.
VastaKustutaNow your two other problems are Underdeveloped scenes and events, and Misplaced Focus. The former involves how you seem to bring up an idea, often a really cool one, but then you suddenly drop it. Let me put it this way: Twilight has a potion dropped on her horn; suddenly she’s stuck in her own head with the others. In less than a second or two she’s saying she’s lonely. Then it only takes another second or two to find the others, set up a comfortable ballroom for them to rest in, and wake up, only to find three days have passed, Celestia is right outside with Luna, and that she can’t get them out of her head for her…
This moves too fast. What is Twilight’s reaction to what’s going on? “oh dear I’m lonely?” I’d think a scholarly pony like her would have more questions. Would find themselves more greatly impacted by all this. And the other ponies… they all seem to take it in stride. There’s little to no character reaction to this mind-boggling event that happened. No development or description, and certainly nothing to make us think they’ve spent three days in Twilight’s head.
I have an example for you. I don’t like to “promote other people” much in these reviews but I’d suggest you watch the Nostalgia Critic’s review of “Rover Dangerfield” http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/29004-rover-dangerfield
I know people have mixed feelings about these internet revewiers and I’m not sure what yours is, but there’s a good point made in this review that applies here. Notice how a bit after the middle of the review he says “they bring up a scene and then it ends” about five times? It feels like that’s what you’re doing here.
And the worst part is half the time, the scenes you bring up don’t even connect properly. For example… how did the ponies end up body swapped? I’m not even joking because I really don’t know. It feels like it just randomly happened between one of the various scene fade-outs fade back-ins. What happened? That’s the sort of thing you need to develop and describe happening, not just say “IT HAPPENS LET’S ROLL FORWARD WITH IT MOVE MOVE!!” I seriously missed how it happened. Last I saw they were all chillin’ out, maxin’, and relaxin’ all cool in Twilight’s head and now… suddenly they’re body swapped! This kind of confusion is what happens when you jump around really fast, don’t take time to develop a scene or its imagery, and don’t properly convey reactions or interactions.
The last problem is Misplaced Focus. It seemed like over half the second chapter was focused upon Celestia and Luna. Why? Why don’t you focus upon the body swapped ponies? I thought they were supposed to be the interesting part here, but there’s all this time devoted to interaction between Celestia and Luna. Why? We’ve already established that they aren’t very important to the plot beyond explaining the situation, and that they can do nothing to help the ponies beyond moral support, so why so much time spent with them? Let’s get back to the body swapped ponies and their mistakes and goofy hijinx!
Now I’m a harsh critic and I pick nits like a neurotic chimpanzee, but I never intend to hurt feelings. You have a good groundwork here. A very good one in fact, the premise could allow for so much character development, wacky comedy, and the most intense of personal and interpersonal character relations and philosophy possible due to being forced to walk in another’s horseshoes. You have a REALLY good thing going here, and you’ve still got plenty of time and surely enough ability to switch these issues around before the story gets much further. What you have now though, is a bit flimsy. For now, three stars, but if you work at it harder and really attempt to give it more atmosphere, thought, and focus, then you could have an excellent six-star story on your hands.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThank you for taking the time to write this. As you can probably tell, writing is not strongest feature. I have trouble taking an image in my head and getting it down on paper. But, even so, I have to admit that the first chapter was not the best part of the story. I was trying to set up the first part up in such a way as to feel fast paced. Also, please take into account that I wrote that very late at night, and was trying to write a fan fiction not a novel.
Concerning the room in Twilight's head, I was not trying to get acroos that it was a ballroom as much as just a big room. That is why I didn't write as much detail into that. Also, I was trying to put a little bit more emphasis on the outside of the room, while still making it feel closed off because they're in her head. In essence, I was trying to go grand without going overboard.
Underdeveloped scenes: 1. Twilight didn't wake up in the whiteness immediatly. 2. It specifically said that a lot more time had passed than just a few seconds, allbeit slightly rushed. 3. Although Twilight is quite curious and well studied, I think a simple lack of anything would quell even the strongest questions. 4. While you are in your head, time can move faster or slower than normal. Not to mention she was unconscious on both ends for a fair portion of that time, that's why the three days passed. 5. I don't think I need toexplain that Celestia is mysterious and uber powerful. 6. Thank you for promoting thatguywiththeglasses.com, I have been following that site for years and I spend a lot of time on that site. And I have seen that video. 7. I'm sorry for any confusion, but I thought it was apparent that Celestia was trying to tell her how to et them out of her head, because this thing hadn't happened like this before, and Twilight messed up.
And about the misplaced focus, how can you say that they are not important to the plot, when I've only written and posted the first two parts. I'm afraid you may have jumped the gun.
Anyways, thank you for sharing, I hope my story will get better for you.
Please proofread your stories for grammatical and spelling errors. I'm not particularly far into the story yet, but "ponyville" should be "Ponyville" and there's a "your" that needs to be "you're."
VastaKustutaI like the premise and I'm going to continue reading, but there's no shame in going back to correct some tyopgraphical mistakes once you've published them.
I like it, but my brain says "ouch".
VastaKustuta@bmartinmusic And I think you meant typographical.
VastaKustutaAnyway, Wierdplatformer, you have a very interesting story here and I can't wait to see this continue.
@Barry
VastaKustutahahahahahaha yeah...
@bmartinmusic
VastaKustutaSorry about that, I can go back and fix that! :) (Stupid Keyboard!)
God DAMNIT pinkie can we not leave you alone for 5 MINUTES!?
VastaKustuta"how to make a miniature star"
VastaKustutaOh god no.
Next she'll be time traveling...
I'm with the long winded Anonymous on this, although the old adage applies- the only way you'll ever find out if you can be a better writer is to keep writing. Ideally, everything you write builds on what came before, each thing improved.
VastaKustutaOn the grammar front, you've got the odd slip up. There's one but where Dash says something like "you're the only one's left" or some such- it doesn't need the possesive genitive, it is just "ones" not "one's"
Overall an interesting premise, though some scenes did feel slightly rushed - I had to reread some sentences just to be sure I was on the same page, if you catch my drift.
VastaKustutaKind of feels like there is a lot unexplored here(especially regarding the swapped ponies' perspectives), and I think you could use a bit more "painting the scene." One thing I've learned the hard way when it comes to writing: don't assume your reader knows *anything* beforehand. In this case, as absurd as it sounds, try to paint the scenes so that even someone who hasn't maybe seen more than episode or two can catch the drift and the flow of the story. This story is still catchable for anyone sternly on the "brony" side of the fence, but I can imagine that anyone not that familiar with the ins and outs of Equestria would have trouble. As silly as it feels, but explaining things that everyBrony would assume for granted does actually flesh out the story and make for easier, more flowing reading.
Of course, don't overdo the above, but it's just something to keep in mind while writing: as much "show, don't tell" keeps fact, so does "never assume your reader knows *anything* of the universe you're writing about." A sign of a good story is often that you can read a chapter in the middle and still be entertained to a degree.
Anyway, this was still entertaining, and these thoughts just something that came to my mind. Keep it up! :)
@FoxOfWar
VastaKustutaThank you for giving it the benefit of the doubt. I hope the next chapter will show how much I've improved. :D
Chapter 4 just kind of...peters out, doesn't it?
VastaKustutaStill good...just kinda oddly broken up I guess.
(Also, am I the only one that doesn't think Pinkie's got split personality?)
I'm enjoying this story so far.
VastaKustutaI must admit i'm sharing scootaloo's confusion on who is who though.
XD
this was kinda... lame. While the idea is pretty good, god help me I just can't even get through chapter 1. Its so sparsely written, and the pacing is just terrible. It runs a mile a minute, and not a bit of the dialogue is given much context.
VastaKustutaI have nooo idea what characters are thinking, and again, while the idea is cool, the execution is just excruciatingly poor. 2 stars...
Interesting idea. The story is amusing enough, however I do have one problem. Its that Rarity had wings before and didn't have a problem with flying, and in this she is deathly afraid of getting off the ground.
VastaKustutaGeez, what is this, the attack of the Anons? Admittedly, I know I'm not the most fantastic writer, but I am only one person.
VastaKustutaGreat, now I feel really bad! And I put a lot of hard work into trying to give something back to the community.
If someone cares enough to help me make this better, I would like to get a pre-reader or editor. Contact me at [email protected]
Oh my, an interesting description! Gotta read this.
VastaKustuta@Wierdplatformer
VastaKustutaAs one of the anons potentially labeled in the attack, I feel I should that I meant that this is in the 3.5 to 4 range by "still good."
Don't panic at the sight of a little bad blood. (especially if you really want a prereader/editor, they want to know that you'll take their criticisms and not crumple under them)
-U.H.
@Wierdplatformer You know what you should feel bad about?
VastaKustutaThinking you're no good. I mean, really. It's stupid and you should feel like a dumbass for even thinking it. I mean, at least you got in. Think about people like me, fic writers who have a two person team, have been working on the same chapter for two months, NONSTOP, and STILL haven't been graced with a post on EQDaily. Be glad you got in.
And another thing, YOU BEAT ME TO IT. Darn.
You stayed in char good enough for me not to notice the lines weren't by the creators themselves, but one scene really confused me: the one where Pinkie is telling Twilight to get out I think? I couldn't tell what was going on at all, but I liked it. Though, I'm a really forgiving critic.
Also, I expect Dash to whip out the Stare by accident.
And I couldn't tell whAt the heck was going on in the first Luna scene, either, which is really important because, duh, it's the accident that caused this mess.
And, I have to work with someone else whose style clashes with mine, which translates to me rephrasing every sentace he writes. The last Prereader's review seemed optimistic, because there weren't a lot of issues he had with it, so we might get in sometime soon, but until then, I remain less fortunate than you, and I have without a doubt worked as hard or harder than you have on it. Did I mention Chapter One isn't even ready to be sent in yet (We're sending in the prolouge first) and it's a little under 20,000 words, not including spaces or indents?
Revolver out ~
@s
VastaKustutaNear as I can tell, Twilight is coming into contact with Pinkie's submerged second personality of Pinkamina. The fanon derived Pinkamina who is Pinkie's dark side.
I still dun think she exists, but she's still in the fanon.
-u.h.
@s
VastaKustutaKind of odd to try and reassure someone by talking largely about your own woes and such, isn't it?
Great story so far, I really enjoyed reading it.
VastaKustuta(Couldn't stay away, sorry for double post...)
VastaKustutaI agree with FoxOfWar that it leaves a lot unexplored, but I guess I interpret this as a want for the next chapter. But, now that I think about it, this fic makes me want to write one exactly like it, so I see some unsatisfaction in that respect. I suppose a lot more scenes could be added, some really fun to write AND read ones. Darn it, brain, stop thinking them up, I've got enough to write! Anyway, the 'running a mile a minute' thing I didn't see at first, but now I'm starting to see it... As a writer, you get blind to these things while reading it yourself, and I'm not sure if a lot of prereaders know this, because that's all you seem to hear, but not ways to fix it. Sure, maybe a few gems, but other than that....
This is a great fic. I don't wanna see you get discouraged. Keep writing, I want to see where this is going.
Were I not so busy, I'd try my hand at helping you....
Revolver out again ~ (Eugh sorry for double post, AGAIN...)
@Anonymous It's called 'shameless self promotion'. It makes us both feel good about ourselves. I think. Well, it makes me feel like I actually put effort into it and that I've actually accomplished something. I hope it inspires the writer to keep writing, though, because this fic is amazing. c:
VastaKustuta@Anonymous As to restate it's status as a semi-joke, IS GOOD DAY TO HAVE GIANT EGO!
VastaKustutaBut, yeah, I'm a greedy bastard who like to soak up appreciation. I stopped feeling bad about that a while ago. Kind of like Rainbow Dash, except with lack of talent. Well, I've been told I'm an amazing writer, but.... I'm not that good, if I still can't get into EQDaily. Unlike this guy, he's good.
I reread the latter two chapters after having a break from reading this, and something jumped at me quite glaringly: I couldn't tell who was in whose body until some "wait, was it...?" on my part.
VastaKustutaThe way you keep referencing the ponies only by their names and not by whose body they currently inhabit(as in, could on occasion remind the reader that it is in fact Rarity that's the rainbow-maned cyan pegasus); I found this kind of jarring. It's a relatively little thing to fix - just a mention here and there about them actually not being in their own bodies, as it were... but it would do wonders in making the story, well, more readable between the sporadic chapters. Try to remember that us readers can't just reference out of memory who was in whose body(not if you're like me anyway and read eleventyseven OTHER fics as well) - gentle reminders would do well.
I would have also expected a bit more "soul-searching" by this point in the story - I'd have honestly thought that the ponies would've been more freaked out by this. I mean, other than Twilight who had the misfortune of ending up trading places with Pinkie...
Don't get me wrong, it's still a good story and interesting premise... the delivery just needs some polishing so the story flows more, well, naturally. :)
@FoxOfWar Is it bad that the only thing I saw in that post was the word 'eleventyseven'? Because that word is now the best word ever. ON TO RELEVANCE...,
VastaKustutaI agree with the 'soul searching' thing. By this point in the story, I would have at least expected Dash to try hanging out with the animals. And not a single scene where Fluttershy attempts apple-bucking. I understand such a scene wouldn't be particularly fun to write (in my opinion, anyway,) but it kind of seems empty talking about Fluttershy's day as Applejack..... When there is no Fluttershy's day as Applejack. You know?
@S Thank you for the flank kicking of kind words. I appreciate it.
VastaKustuta@Anonomys I have to apologize for the freak out. It's just been frustrating having trouble writing a single chapter and then everyone deemingly jump down my throat. For that I'm sorry.
@FoxOfWar I will defintately take this into consideration. I'll probably make a reference sheet or something similar to help those who are confused about who is who.
@Wierdplatformer No, thank YOU for keeping on writing.
VastaKustutaOh, just had an idea. I'll consult with my co-author once he wakes up (it's almost three in the morning where he is, and two here.) and see If he'll allow me to help your fic out on a regular basis. Also my brain is filled with ideas for this, so he better say yes.
@FoxOfWar BTW, not to be rude, but Dash is not cyan, she's actually baby or sky blue. It's my favorite color, and people just keep getting it wrong. o.O
VastaKustuta@S Hey, just keep me in touch. Maybe, I might help you out in the process.
VastaKustuta(3 AM here -.-)
@Wierdplatformer Well Cyan is a colourful word, whereas 'sky blue' is a tad plain. I understand where you're coming from, though.
VastaKustutaMy guess is that FoxOfWar is that fancy guy who says the fancy things.
Hey, it's that fancy guy. Hey fancy guy, with the fancy things! Say some fancy things!
'Bolly!'
Ah ha ha he's so fancy.
/YGOTAS Joke over
@Wierdplatformer I doubt it, unless you've played EarthBound AND Mother 3?
VastaKustutaAlso, Eastern Time's a bitch, eh? (unless Canada or something, I think Eastern's different there.)
@S okay, maybe not then, but I could spell check, lol.
VastaKustutaYeah, Eastern time and my nocturnal habits.
@Wierdplatformer Uh, co-author is terrible at grammar, so I've had to become grammar nazi in order to prevent MASSIVE SEMICOLON ABUSE. In fact, that's what the last prereader complained about. Here, I'll quote him:
VastaKustuta'- Okay, get rid of all the semicolons. That's not how you use them it's painful. D:'
It was then I was pretty sure he was just being nitpicky because there wasn't enough legitimate problems with the story. (That, paired with him complaining about Dr. Light because Mega Mare, even though THAT'S THE JOKE, and I can get away with that because I never speak of him again ever.)
I love the story, and there's not much else I can say that hasn't been said already. HOWEVER, I would like to make a minor correction to one line:
VastaKustuta"Scootaloo spoke up first, 'Hey, Fluttershy, have you seen Rarity? I mean, Sweetie Belle's sister. I mean, my sister. No, wait...'"
By "my sister", I assume she meant Rainbow Dash (as that's whose body Rarity was occupying at the time), and if I'm correct in that assumption, that's wrong. Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash aren't sisters, as has been clarified by Lauren Faust.
Otherwise, I can't wait for the next chapter!
@Gadvac All he'd have to change there is to make Sweetie Belle say it. Then it'd make sense.
VastaKustuta@Wierdplatformer
VastaKustutaApparently, your email ([email protected]) doesn't exist and I wrote that giant email for nothing. Basically, to sum it up, FPP said I could and read this: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13VWfIXwTJXuNk24nDQoSAo0mMPLptz3UmuQ8WcK3-e0/edit?hl=en_US#
lol at horrid abuse of comments system.
VastaKustutaAlso, @ Gadvac:
It'd make sense as a freudian slip implying that Scoots wishes that Dash was her sister as well.
@S No, I go the email. I just haven't read it yet.
VastaKustuta@Gadvac Yeah, that was part of the joke. Anon got it right.
Wait... is Pinkie blind?
VastaKustuta...
Dun-Dun-Dunnn!
This is a good story, cant wait to read the rest
VastaKustuta