[Shipping] Is this? Could it be? Lyra shipping? Lyra shipping! My sense of objectivity is shattered into pieces.
Author: DiZaster321
Description: Lyra and Bon-Bon have been a couple for as long as we can remember, but how did they meet, and what sparked their love?Google Documents
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 1
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 2
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 3
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 4
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 5 (New!)
Deviant Art
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 1
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 2
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 3
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 4
Time Heals All Wounds: Chapter 5 (New!)
Additional Tags: Lyra Bon-Bon Shipping Love Happiness
42 comments:
As much as I hate shipping stories with girls with girls, I might just read this
ReplyDeleteHey got the first and maybe second post! anyways, BonBon is adorable
ReplyDeleteI had an Idea for a Twilight/Lyra shipping thing due to an incident in a certain episode.... hehe >w>
ReplyDeletetwas a good story
ReplyDelete@PinkiePieFan So I'm NOT the only one tired of lesbian shipping? Thank Celestia!
ReplyDeleteso i'm not the only lyra fanboy as it seems
ReplyDelete>Hate lesbian shipping in a show with a 13-1 female/male ratio.
ReplyDelete>>laughs at you. profusely.
It's pretty good, but it could probably have been fleshed out a little bit more. When something so significant is brought up, like their first photograph together, it's not elaborated on. There's a story behind the picture that we don't get to know about. I just felt that the potential strength behind this story is sort of untapped.
ReplyDeleteThey´re too adult in their conversations, too deep.
ReplyDeleteSome of the dialogue is pretty awkward. I keep thinking about the bit in part 2 where they're giving each other their parting gifts.
ReplyDeleteThis is entertaining, but I feel it could use a little tweaking. First off, I'd suggest making the dialogue less formal. For example, try having Lyra refer to Bon-Bon as just "Bon" or maybe "Bonny" or something. People in relationships tend to give each other little pet names. The fact that Lyra refers to her by her more formal 2 syllable name all the time strikes me as a bit odd. Little details like that are what separates a good story from a great story. Even so, this was a good effort. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteWell, the concept is good, and the characters seem like they could be good at working with each other, but that dialog needs work. the dialog and the exposition. especially in that third part I felt like I'd been flogged with the facts surrounding Lyra's problem a good 2 to 3 times.
ReplyDeletenot to be mean or anything, heh. it just needs work.
...strange as it sounds, I didn't think the author would skip straight from Manehattan to Ponyville. After all, in the first episode we clearly saw Lyra waving hello to a passing Twilight...
ReplyDelete*waving hello in Canterlot, I mean.
ReplyDeleteNot to beat a dead horse (ba-dum TSS), but there's some issues with the dialogue. First, it's too formal. Second, they say things people just don't say in real life. To a certain degree, this is an acceptable break from reality; hyper-realistic conversations can be rather dull to read, and dialogue can be used to convey a character's feelings or opinions. But take this quote, for example:
ReplyDelete"Bon-Bon… I can’t believe you’re giving me this. I’m honored that you’d give me something so valuable. Not just monetary value, but something that represents our friendship in its entirety."
It just doesn't sound like something a real person (/pony) would say. It's like Lyra's an actor in a poorly-thought-out play, trying to explain to the audience why they should care about the box.
Now that I'm done complaining, I do like the idea of filling in Lyra and Bon-Bon's youth, and having Lyra and Octavia be childhood friends is a nice touch. Hopefully you'll continue this, there's promise in this story.
I do agree with everyone about the dialogue,its much too formal and deep. Still, manly tears were shed. This story has a lot of potential, good work.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support everypony! I think I can tone down the formality, I've actually been told to do so before, but I'm just stubborn. Having these comments has definitely given me some insight, and I think the following chapters will benifit from it. Again, thanks everypony!
ReplyDeleteApart from the stilted dialogue, I felt like the characters cried a bit too easily. Every strong emotion is conveyed by water coming out of somepony's eyes, seems like.
ReplyDeleteMoar.
ReplyDeleteI'm a sucker for over-the-top emotional scenes. I'll make sure to tone it down in the future. Speaking of which, Chapter 4 should be going up soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's really good but Bon-Bon seemed a bit to...uncaring at the end of chapter 4. Her mate comes home burnt and limping and all we get it a "Oh no are you ok?"
ReplyDelete@Thesyn I actually meant to expand on that scene, but as I was writing it, it just came out as really over-the-top garbage, and I didn't want that clogging up an otherwise average chapter. I hope you'll excuse that little bit, just know she REALLY does care, as you'll see later.
ReplyDeletechange the title
ReplyDelete@Anonymous Care to explain why, and what to? >_>; The fic's not done.
ReplyDeleteHuge amounts of dawww for the 4th chapter
ReplyDeleteWell I only started reading from the time Chapter 4 was posted, and seeing how you tweeked the dialogue in the 4th chapter I have nothing to really complain about. It's a really sweet story, and frankly I'm D'awwwing hard. Anyway the only thing I can suggest is that you continue to work on the dialogue, it still seems a little off... I suggest you try speaking the lines to yourself or if you have a friend cool enough to do this with try holding the conversation your writing with your friend and work on getting the language to feel more real. Anyway I'm loving the story, and I look forward to see it finished.
ReplyDeleteNice update, has me looking forward to whatever comes next.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue was pretty much spot on this time! You did a good job listening to other people's suggestions. I know from experience that it can be easy to feel disheartened by critiques, but knowing when to take a step back and listen to what others are saying is one of the marks of a good author. Keep it up.
@WTBronyAlways glad to please! I think that the readers' input is the most important part about fanfic writing.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, chapter 4 just seemed kinda... flat to me. Like not much happens and nobody feels much. This was an extraordinarily short chapter, to begin with -- three scenes, two of which were basically BB puttering in the kitchen. I'm kind of left wanting something I can really sink my teeth into.
ReplyDeleteI harp on this a lot as a critic, but I'm really having trouble feeling what Bon-Bon is feeling here. The most in-depth description I think I saw was "tangible concern" in her voice. Now, I'm not saying she needs to have some disproportionate freak out, but it would be nice to be party to her reactions.
For example, if my wife left early in the morning leaving only a vague note like that, I'd certainly feel a little hurt that she didn't want to tell me what she was up to. I might harbor a flash of jealousy, then some guilt for not trusting her, but not quite be able to shake the funk for a few hours.
When she shows up again with signs of cooking, I might start to put two and two together and feel some relief, but decide to let her keep her secret if she wants to surprise me.
On that note, you're kiiiinda being a little too obvious, there. Bon-Bon is kinda coming off as an idiot for not figuring this out given Pinkie's extremely broad hints.
@LordOfTheWrongs I explained on the dA page that this chapter was more of an interlude than anything else, as I have some stuff I need to get ready for the next few chapters. That being said, I'm not justifying it's lack of any progress. In fact, I wasn't really sure I wanted to post it, but I felt that I needed to update.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the issues with Bon-Bon in this chapter. I wasn't really sure which way I wanted to take her character, either a little ditzy, but warm-hearted and caring, or very smart and constantly a little skeptical, which left her in an awkward middle ground. I'm trying to piece together a good character for chapter 5.
And about the complaint about what's obvious, I'm well aware that I didn't hide it well. I wasn't really trying to hide it to begin with, and I can see how it suffers from that. I've never been good at writing subtlty, so I hope you'll forgive me for being a little blunt about what's coming up.
How dare you insult Pinkie's culinary skills Author!
ReplyDeleteIf I weren't so full of love and tolerance I would challenge you to a duel to defend Pinkie's honor on the spot!
I don't liked yours Vinyl's character but keep going! More cute scenes!
ReplyDeleteGrivous.
Hey, I read this a while back, wonder if I'll go back over it for good times?
ReplyDeleteGAH! You can fit more into each story at a time! This is far too short, yet still good.
ReplyDelete@Horus098 Sorry, but I prefer to write shorter chapters. I can focus more and get everything the way I like it when I write smaller amounts. That being said, I am making Chapter 6 much longer, due to the sheer amount of story I'll need to tell. Thanks for the input! :D
ReplyDeletecome on DiZ, usually i don't like to rush people for an update but the waiting is killing me.
ReplyDelete*Anxiously awaits new chapter*
ReplyDeleteI have no plans to finish this story. It'd be best to take it off the blog.
ReplyDeleteDamn. I appreciate the fact that you no longer wish to continue the story, but may I ask why? To be honest, this is one of the better ones I have read in a while. I am thoroughly dossapointed that you chose to end it here, I urge you to reconsider.
ReplyDeleteI'm rather saddened that this has stopped. Still, I really enjoyed it. Thank you for making this.
ReplyDeleteYour stoping NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ReplyDeleteim still in shock that this is stopping this and hapily ever after were the only good lyra and bon bon storys but i gess thats the story of life cant always get what you want if someone else has a good love story about lyra and bon bon (or any other pony couple)plz say so ps it didnt help you ended it on such a clif hanger
ReplyDelete