Author: Skag
Description: Sharpe is a unicorn born into a family of brilliant musicians. But what will happen to him when he cannot live up to their expectations?A Swing in C Sharpe
Additional Tags: OC, Music, Jazz, Abandonment, Origin
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14 comments:
Forgive me, I like the story, but...
ReplyDelete-Spoilers ahead?-
abandoning their son because he chose to play a string instrument?
Exactly what they wanted?
Maybe I'm just biased because that's what I play, but what's so bad about the piano?
Hmmm yeah I agree with the previous post, a piano is somethin' bad in Equestria? The Grand Galopping Gala showed it as a normal instrument of classic, I thought.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I like the writing, and it's something else for once...the start kinda reminded me of drama-musicals, such as MOZART! or ELISABETH - I BELONG TO ME. I'm looking forward to this one, keep on writing!
This looks like a chick-fic :V at this point, however, I'm not worried about masculinity *reads without a care in the world*
ReplyDeleteI can see what you all mean by the whole Piano= YOU-ARE-DEAD-TO-ME thing not making much sense. However, after reading the story, it seems that
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOL SPOILER STOP READING NOW SO I DON'T SPOIL LOLOLOL the hostile opinion towards the piano isn't necessarily a stigma shared by all ponies, but just by these two snotty and spoiled parents and their family's outdated opinions. It isn't necessarily to make a point about how supposedly bad pianos are, but rather just to emphasize how cold, conceited, and all around oatmeal his parents were.
Anyways, very nice job regardless. I look forward to more work from this author. Get writin, Skag! ;D
good read, i only had a couple of issues with it. like the other posters i don't see how anypony could abandon there kid like that. i would have expected them to become even more distant with him at home, sort of becoming the family's black sheep.
ReplyDeletethe other thing is the scene when he first enters the bar. admittedly the barkeep might have just amused a 16 year old colt was a run away... but i still found it very odd he would offer free room & board to a kid out of the blue without asking if he was alright first, or even really talking to him. i just think that scene could have been explored more as it came off as a bit contrived.
other then that the story is pretty interesting and i look foreword to reading the next chapter :)
Hi, I was the first anon, just wanted to make my point clear.
ReplyDeleteIt says right in the story "Every Locria was expected to learn a string instrument..."
So... he did just that and they hated him for it?
I don't think the rest of Equestria hates pianos, but the parents being disappointed for getting what they asked for seems weird to me.
@Anonymous (10:19)
ReplyDeleteAlthough they have strings, pianos are classified as a percussion instrument.
In any case, I'm going to have to jump on the "really, his parents abandoned him over THAT?" bandwagon. Having his parents disown him over instrument choice is just too silly for me to believe, even in the admittedly silly world of MLP. If nothing else, I would have found it slightly less jarring if he had adopted an instrument with no classical pedigree (accordion, theremin, melodica, etc.). Piano though? It (and its predecessors) are about as classical as an instrument can get, 'oh no it isn't a stringed instrument!' notwithstanding.
Pianos are actually keyboard instruments, not strings.
ReplyDeleteReally? I always thought they were considered string instruments. Struck string instruments, but string instruments nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteWikipedia seems to agree, but it IS wikipedia. Someone may have put it there just as confused as me.
Ah well. Ce'st la vie. Still a silly reason to abandon someone.
It really depends on who you ask. I've been told both but I'm more inclined to believe my music professors at college.
ReplyDeleteAny reason it can't be both a keyboard and a string instrument?
ReplyDeleteI mean, it has strings, and a keyboard, and those are the methods of sound production. Hell, it could be percussion too, considering the hammers.
...maybe this is why Sharpe's parents hate pianos. They got into a huge argument about what they are classified as, and finally agreed to just never bring them up.
Honestly, I see what everypony is talking about when you say that it isn't believable for Sharpe's parents to abandon him in such a manner. Truth be told, that wasn't really my mane concern here. An interesting fact, this started out as a brief backstory for my own OC, Sharpe of course, and just evolved into a fanfic from there. This particular chapter was moreover intended as a baseline, to set the scene for future stories and flesh out Sharpe a little better. While it would certainly be improved with changes to the whole abandonment thing, that wasn't my mane concern in writing this. Thank you everypony for your comments and rating, your criticism is in fact appreciated, I jut wanted to clear up that little point.
ReplyDelete-tears at hair- formatting, formatting...
ReplyDeleteOkay, i have a couple problems, but i also have a few compliments. First off, you could've easily made this quite longer just by elaborating a little, showing instead of telling. I understand that the story-like technique you're using with the italicized paragraphs is perfectly purposeful, but it feels as though we as readers are missing a lot of interesting things by just hearing "Sharpe does this and that." Also, you kinda tell the reader what to think, especially considering his parents. You did fine on his mother's part with her silence being the injury, but with his dad, it was like:
Dad: whargarble!
Narrator: omg he is totally mean did you see that?
As a reader, it's a little insulting being told how we should perceive a character instead of being allowed to judge them through their actions.
Speaking of actions, you seem to flutter through them way too quickly for them to have any lasting effect. Slow down, take details into account, create scene and emotion.
Show, don't tell
Show, don't tell
Show, don't tell
And now for the good things (my, this is getting long...):
Your dialogue is awesome and conveys the characters' emotions well, especially with Flatt. When you use them, your details are stunning. You describe musical aspects very cleanly, and it's obvious you have some musical background.
But take your time with your story! Your character deserves a good, well-thought-out story. Format it nicely so it's legible! Go through and nitpick the grammar and punctuation, and then save it and wait three days and then look at it again with new eyes.
There is a lot of potential for adventure here, and since you already stated that this is an introductory for your OC's backstory, i'm expecting something nice.
My apologies everypony, it would appear there was a bit of a mixup. When I first sent in this story to Seth, he gave me a few comments and criticisms from the pre-readers. After seeing these, i made a few revisions to the story. It would seem that there was a little mixup, and the original version got posted rather than the revised version. Anywho, I've gone ahead and made a few changes to the linked document, and it should hopefully be showing the revised version. The changes are relatively minor in the grand scheme of the story, but they hopefully improve it a little better. Sorry about the confusion.
ReplyDelete