Author: The Lovely Penguin
Description: When Princess Celestia ceases communication with her most trusted student, it's up to Twilight Sparkle and her friends to find out what's going on and how to stop the new threat that has arisen.Deviant Art
Solar Eclipse
Google Documents
Solar Eclipse
Additional Tags: epic quest, tyrant, evil Celestia, beacons of harmony, unity
15 comments:
First, didnt we see this yesterday with a dif title and description?
ReplyDeleteAnd different author and plot?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteEhehe, yeah, it seems some other guys are working on evil Celestia stories as well. Ah well, whaddaya gonna do?
Is it bad that the first thing that entered my mind when I saw "unity" was that plot point from Fallout: Equestria?
ReplyDelete@Shellsh0cker
ReplyDeleteI haven't read that story, so I'm not sure what you're talking about.
I would liek to mention that I feel awful that I only scanned this once and didn't say anything.
ReplyDeleteMy only problem I have with it is that it's lots of dialog. Which makes it seem rushed. I do like the premise though.
Like others have said it feels rushed.
ReplyDeleteMight want to break it up into scenes and try to write more into the characters.
Please don't take criticism badly though WRITING IS HARD. Keep going!
Well, you already know what I think, but I'll say it again. Awesome! Can't wait for part 2!
ReplyDeleteAnd personally, I don't see it as being rushed. I'll look over it again, though, see if there's anything I could recommend.
This story is completely different from the other one really, though I'm guessing that it's likely far more than "something inside her snapped" type of deal...
ReplyDeleteAll righty, people, I want this story to be the best it can be, so...
ReplyDeleteWhat can I do to improve this story? What is it lacking that it gets only 3 stars? The only way I'll get better is if I know what I'm doing wrong.
Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
@Melodia
ReplyDeleteBingo. I plan on revealing just what exactly happened fairly soon, I hope.
I can't help but feel part of the reason I'm getting low ratings is because everyone is glossing over this as a copy of that other story. There can be many ways to do a Tyrant Celestia story, people.
I like that Oatmeal character of yours; I hope you have a significant role for her. :D
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I must agree with the others it was rushed, but the plot is worth attention. This reminds me of the Corona Blaze fic here; you should check it.
Keep it up, TLP!
@The Lovely Penguin
ReplyDeleteRecheck your grammar. I spotted a few errors, but your use of the colon is very good in some places.
You could have been thorough with the beginning of chapter one. Starting off with 'Twilight Sparkle was worried' is too plain. Try to elaborate settings as well as you can, though I'm not saying your describing situations is bad. This was an example of rushing by the way.
I hope this helps.
I'm having a good time following the similarities and differences between this story and my own Corona Blaze fic. It's interesting so far, and I plan to keep an eye out for ideas to steal :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure why you started off with a framing story. Usually I see those used either to provide commentary on the story or to cover for a slow opening, but it's not doing either of those things here. As is, the prologue slows down the story by starting it off in a relatively relaxed setting instead of the more exciting events of chapter 1.
@Benman
ReplyDeleteYup, yup, your fic is looking good, as well. Just because we're writing about something similar, doesn't mean we can't like the other's story.
As for the frame story, I have it because it begins things with an air of mystery: Why is Twilight here, wherever "here" is? Why are her friends injured? Why was Celestia's troops chasing them? Also, I plan on doing more with the frame story in future chapters.