Author: Drewdle
Description: A party at Pinkie Pie's is abruptly cut short, but the evening isn't quite over.Pinkieshy
Additional Tags: Cute, sappy, romantic, sweet, gentle.
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[Shipping] We haven't had a straight up cute pony shipping story in a while.
Author: Drewdle
Additional Tags: Cute, sappy, romantic, sweet, gentle.
Sildid: Author: Drewdle, Complete, Everypony, Fanfiction, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Shipping, Star-4, StoryShare This!
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48 kommentaari:
That's freaking adorable.
VastaKustutaCuuuuuuute.
VastaKustutaA bit lacking in explanation for why Flootershy was feeling the way she did. But that doesnt detract from the point of the story in my opinion.
5 :3
@ZAquanimus wasn't ot because pinkie liked her the way she is
VastaKustutaat least that's what i got
Very well done. Bit of spelling and grammar mistakes, but very small. I also love this combination. Actually, I love almost any combination of the mane six, but still. 5/5 :)
VastaKustutaYaaaaaaaay, shipping!
VastaKustuta*Devours story voraciously*
Definitely really cute and well written. The little snippets of inner monologue went a long way towards adding some validity to what I've always thought is an odd couple to ship.
VastaKustutaDidn't move too fast or feel forced. Just a nice quick little shot of concentrated cute!
It's good for what it was written to be I suppose, but I still find the generic "but what if she doesn't like me back?" a little tired when used as the central conflict.
VastaKustutahnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg
VastaKustutaAll in all a good "DAAAAAAAAAWWWwwwwww" story. 4/5
VastaKustutai approve of this hipping
VastaKustutaADORABLE
VastaKustutaBut I don't like the pairing.
I wanna read more from Drewdle now.
They are such a cute pair, I wish it weren't so ridiculously rare.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaNow this makes me want somebody to write a Psycho PinkieXPsychoshy fic.
@kwj
VastaKustutaNo I mean, why Fluttershy was acting more shy than usual that week.
It's just something i saw that ive become better at noticing after many people complained about such lacks of info in my own fic.
Not a bad shipping, but very generic (like the title.)
VastaKustutaI b'aawwwed. 5/5
VastaKustutaMy only issue is that I wish it was longer......
VastaKustutaIt was very nice, the opening was what grabbed me right away. Also I liked the use of descriptive language, but the sequence of events was a little confusing. 4/5
VastaKustutaNormally I hate shipping fanfics but this one was just too adorable to pass up.
VastaKustutaWhoops, read it again, I mean 5/5
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaHmm... Interesting...
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, my two favorite ponies. Gosh this fic is adorable :3
VastaKustutad'awwwwww, cute as heck :3
VastaKustutaAbsolutely adorable. And kudos for being the first complete FS/PP shipping story I've ever seen. Generic, maybe. But well-written and entertaining nonetheless. There's nothing wrong with generic done right.
VastaKustutaThat was pretty cute. I found it a little confusing in spots, but it might just be because I'm tired. I did really like your Fluttershy characterization though.
VastaKustutaConfound this fandom
VastaKustutaIt drives me to D'AWWWWW
it's been a while since we've had a sappy feel-good fic. this might tide me over until the next wave of RD ships...
VastaKustutaP.S. when the hell is the next wave of RD ships!?!
HHHHHHHHHHH ~yay~
VastaKustutai, uhm, actually like pinkieshy pairing. i'm also also glad there wasn't any, uh ... wing rubbing or the like. keep those private moments private. not that there's anything bad with them or anything. or something. sorry.
also, the story title was a bit of a pun, i think? Pinkie suddenly becoming shy as well as a name of the pair. Pinkieshy ... Pinkie is shy ... i think. sorry.
I've made my own game already :3
VastaKustutaYour grammar needs a fair amount of work. Your portrayal of Pinkie and Fluttershy weren't completely off, but they didn't feel genuine, either. Rainbow Dash's attitude was too exaggerated. The romantic interest comes out of nowhere, and what explanation you do offer for it from Fluttershy's side (her being happy to find someone who accepts and loves her for being herself) is completely unsupported, as there's no discernible evidence of Pinkie doing that in your story, nor does your story reference any time that Pinkie has done it in the actual show. This story was just pretty generic and not executed very well; there's very little of note about it other than the amusing idea of what will happen should Gummy ever grow teeth. 2.5 Stars in theory, 3 Stars in practice.
VastaKustuta@The RPGenius
VastaKustutaI've noticed that a few people have pointed out grammar. Maybe I've missed what went terribly wrong? I'll admit when I was proofreading this I was quite tired, but specifics, not just "ur grammar sux", would be appreciated.
All other points taken at face value. Thanks everyone. It was intended to be a short burst of cute and fluff, so I think most people seem to have accepted that. Laying the groundwork for a better plot could probably be done had I intended the story to go on.
This won't be the last you see of me. So ready those pitchforks. Thanks everyone for your encouragement; optimistic, constructive, negative or otherwise.
@The RPGenius
VastaKustutaWait, wait. The quotation marks. That was a screw up of fantastic magnitude on my part! Anyways, fixed now. Thanks again for the feedback.
Last comment, I promise. To everyone who had good things to say, or enjoyed the cute, hugs and thanks! None of those comments have gone unappreciated. :)
VastaKustutaThis was such an adorable story, i really enjoyed the writing style as well, a real pleasure to read.
VastaKustutawhat's this? A Fluttershy shipping story? Okay, well I guess I'll read it. Oh my. Isn't it quite cute? And what's thi- HNNNNNNNGG!!!!
VastaKustutaDiabeetus
VastaKustutaI can't exactly say why, but it doesn't flow very well. Something's missing, I can't tell what. also, some of Pinkie's dialogue isn't as saccrin as one would expect.
VastaKustutaYou want specific problems pointed out? I'll be more than happy to provide.
VastaKustuta" The sunlight of another bright spring day spilled over the hilltops of Ponyville, and pushed their way through"
Sunlight is singular, not plural. By saying "their," your sentence is saying (in an awkward fashion) that the hilltops, not the sunlight, are pushing through the window.
" Slowly, with much effort, the shadow-cloaked unconscious form hooked it's hooves"
"It's" means "it is." "Its" is possessive, and what you should have used. This happens multiple times during the narrative, but I'm afraid I don't have the inclination to point out every single one myself. You'll have to give it a look-over yourself for this problem's occurrences.
"After a little wobble from the dizziness, Twilight approached and they started another back-and-forth groove."
This is more a case where the grammar is extremely awkward rather than being outright wrong, but who's wobbling? Twilight? Because she's the subject of the sentence, and it's set up to imply that it's Twilight, not Dash as I assume you intended, who is wobbling.
"A beacon of ignored tranquility amongst a room full of rumpus."
This is not a sentence. Either add it to the previous sentence as a descriptive continuation, or add something like "She was" to it.
" “I SAID the Elements of HARMONY,” Pinkie commanded at the room, her grin transformed into her menacing forever stare as she met all the other ponies' gazes."
If you mean the stare she gives when she says "FOREVERRRR!" to Twilight during Green Isn't Your Color, then you're going to have to give the word some distinction to set it apart. Perhaps capitalize the first letter (or the whole thing), or add quotation marks around it. As it stands, it's a stumbling block to the reader because it just looks like the regular word "forever" inserted randomly.
" “Maybe it is time we adjourn for the evening,” offered Rarity. “It is, after all, a quarter past two,
and I do have a very important client meeting with me tomorrow quite early."
Spacing problem after the "two" there.
" I don't think she knows why she's here, Pinkie thought. Then again, neither am I."
"Neither am I" refers to a descriptive state previously mentioned. No such state has been mentioned for this sentence to refer to.
" Triumphant, Pinkie emerged from corner"
Should be "the corner" there.
" But then she relaxed again into Pinkie's arms. For a long while, nothing was said. The night spun by in suspended animation; marching onward with the clock, but standing still at Sugar Cube Corner."
That semicolon should be a comma. A semicolon is tricky to use. It separates 2 sentences that are so closely related that a period's separation is too jarring. But the part that you have here after the semicolon isn't a sentence. You have to either add to it, or, more appropriately, make it a proper part of the first sentence by using a comma.
These are some of the particularly egregious errors. There are many parts of the story where your grammar and sentence structure are fairly awkward, but tolerable, that I haven't the patience to point out and correct. This selection, however, should give you a good push in the right direction.
Some of those errors are rather embarassing, I'll admit. You didn't have to go to the trouble, if trouble it was. Corrections have been made.
VastaKustutaI thought it was cute. The interactions were sweet, but I feel like it could've been longer so that you could build the characterization up.
VastaKustutaMane cast ships bug me usually but this was really good. Cogratulations sir.
VastaKustutaThis was an entirely generic shipfic with nothing to make it stand out and many of the typical shipfic problems.
VastaKustutaBoth characters either have strong feelings already in place as the story opens and are too shy to say so, or discover their true love in a blinding flash of epiphany, rather than developing a relationship in a more natural way. This is not inherently fatal to a fic, but tis story has no big redeeming factor like a wicked sense of humor or strong emotional resonance.
The grammatical issues have been mentioned, but I didn't find any of them overly distracting. What WAS distracting is swapping the point of view character in the middle of the story. We should never hear two different characters' thoughts without a section break, at least, and it's better not to have them in the same scene. It's often confusing in this fic as to whose thoughts we're seeing until we figure it out by context.
Very good, though I do agree with some people on here that it could've been a bit longer. As it is, though, it stands as a nice little glimpse into the start of something, and I think it works very well as is. Looking forward to more from you.
VastaKustutaIs it just shipping authors, or authors in general, that get such polarized response to their work? I've never seen anything quite like this. A lot of "write more!" and "cute, but short!" and "d'aww", but an almost equal amount of "you can't structure a story worth beans".
VastaKustutaWhich is okay, to be fair. Stiff upper lip and all that. For those of you waiting, both to tear up or fawn over, my next story, not to worry, working on it. If there's one thing I've noticed, perhaps taking the genre a bit more seriously would correct most of the issues people seem to be having with this. Like what Escher said. If I wasn't writing such a piece of fluff, I probably would have considered a lot of what has been said, but for a quick little sugar shot, I didn't think it necessary. Different strokes, different ponies.
That said, it can't hurt to turn up the wick a bit, I think. Thanks again for all the feedback.
@Anonymous
VastaKustuta@Anon ("Now this makes me want somebody to write a Psycho PinkieXPsychoshy fic.")
I'd love to read something like that!!
Please, please let me know if you write it [=
dahm google docs you stop working now!?!?!?!?!?
VastaKustutaMy Favorite Pairing lol, I wish these kind of shipping fics weren't so rare though lol
VastaKustutaMy Favorite Pairing lol, I wish these kind of shipping fics weren't so rare though lol
VastaKustuta