Author: Small Talk
Description: Everypony has something they hide; some hide it well, other not-so-well. Rainbow Dash has done well at hiding her own problems, that is until one tick sends her over the edge and brings up dreams of her past.Lackluster Part 1
Lackluster Part 2
Additional Tags: Depression, Sadness, Suicidal tendancies, Backstory
76 kommentaari:
Currently reading.
VastaKustutaNever use 'ejaculated' to mean 'said'. It's distracting.
it works if you write in 19th century english!
VastaKustuta...Damn. Not a bad read, by any stretch. Also, may need a shipping tag.
VastaKustutaoh hey, this may need a little shipping tag.
VastaKustutaYES! I love Dashpression stories!
VastaKustutaSome things are a bit awkwardly phrased though, and it seems to move just a tad too quick. I could use a bit of spit-shine.
A for effort, though!
@NinesTempest
VastaKustutaOnly if your audience also reads in 19th century English.
Look, ejaculations are powerful things in fiction! Where would we be if there were no ejaculations?
VastaKustuta... Well I suppose that is true star.
VastaKustutaYeah from chapter 2, this really does need a shipping tag. NOT THAT THAT IS BAD OR ANYTHING, I LOVE ME SOME SHIPPING. It's just totally random and, dare I say, OUT OF THE BLUE (guffaw!)
And as pseudonym said, it's VERY rushed; you state their emotion and give some thoughts and then one moment of something happening totally changes. Slow down the pacing and give more action or thought into what they're doing. The cliche line: More show and less tell.
That said, it's still an interesting premise. But my god, that is the most severe case of depression I've ever seen, borderline what the down-side of bipolar looks like, jesus.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaSwimming
Take a drink everytime a single tear rolls down somepony's face.
VastaKustuta"Too many tears and other bodily fluids had been wasted; she was dehydrated completely, even for the IV connected to her leg."
VastaKustutawhat's all this about ejaculation?
Interesting premise going, as Nines said, but it does come off a little rushed. On the other hand... I've been down that road before. There's no logic to that kind of depression, just terrible grinding apathy and uselessness. When you hit the point that pain is welcome just to -feel- something, it's terrible.
VastaKustutaI've enjoyed reading thsi so far, and it kinda irritates me that nopony seems to be mature enough to get past "ejaculation". Honestly, it's not just sexual, get over it.
VastaKustutaI can see where everypony is coming from, but I know the author, and there are reasons for the pacing. Just give it time.
NEED MOAR. Really good read atm, although formatting memory scenes with italics or a different font or whatever would be mighty helpful. :)
VastaKustuta@DiZaster
VastaKustuta>doesn't understand ironic humour.
>Doesn't know that we think it's stupid, too.
Well, having a very MILD case of depression right now, I can sort of see where she's coming from... but it's not just her; it's more AJ's feelings jumping around all over the place that is kind of making it feel really rushed. Also, RANDOM VOCAB JUMPS. Ejaculated is one of those, but some in the second chapter, like DESPONDENCY, just don't mix with your general vocab level.
VastaKustuta@DiZaster321
VastaKustutaThere is a difference between writing lots of action and having a pacing going at the speed of lightning.
The immature child in me giggled at the ejaculated part. But the avid reader in me enjoys the story in general. Keep it up!
VastaKustutathis is really sad, not in a heart wrenching bittersweet or circle of friends way, but in a OMG ITS RAINBOW DASH NOOOOOOO way.
VastaKustutaNice. Although thee are a few weird verb and adjective choices, (ejaculated and rocketed comes to mid foremost) the overall story was very good.
VastaKustutaA number of factual errors, (I'm sorry I have to point these out) The doctor wouldn't be able to tell the group under doctor-patient confidentiality clauses. A couple of other things I can't remember off hand as well.
Otherwise, a very emotive and enjoyable story. The shipping is a little distracting, but doesn't really get in the way too much.
For the perfect read, I suggest listening to David Thomas Broughton - The Complete Guide To Insufficiency while reading.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BJ9LGCAcxQ
Good story! I demand moar!
This is really nice! I look forward to more :) I also like how you have the ponies say "Rainbow" instead of "Dash" when shortening RD's name. It's just a peeve of mine to see "Dash" all over the place and not "Rainbow." (I really don't get it either.)
VastaKustutaI feel like the very sudden rush of feelings from Applejack sort of distract from the main story, but it's not too bad :) Four stars from me!
So much potential. SO MUCH. Unfortunately, the title of the piece is appropriate as a descriptor. You've got gold on your hands, perhaps some light editing, and a bit of fleshing out to adjust the pacing. Please continue, but pay attention to your timing and organization.
VastaKustutaAlso: You've got a lovely way with words, very natural. Just remember that the thesaurus is not your friend.
Twilight must have some interesting fetishes to ejaculate at such a moment.
VastaKustutaReally good read, I don't think it was that rushed, i think its great as it is.
VastaKustutaMy only wish is that I could read more...
I dunno how toexplain, i´m no writer, but this is not good. Too many things thrown at the reader at the same time with little sense or explanation.
VastaKustutaOh wow, this lays it on thick on Rainbow. I mean, really thick. If you don't like REALLY sad stories, you might want to pass this one up.
VastaKustutaIt is REALLY well written, but I can only hope that this story has a mildly good ending. At this rate I don't see it happening, because the bad things just keep coming for poor Rainbow.
Ugh. Rainbow pony is best pony, so why am I drawn to works of tragedy around her character? Damn my malthusian bent...
VastaKustuta"He’d hit me and call me names, and then he’d hit me more. He even…” I don't feel like hearing the end of that anyways, but taking applejacks reaction into account i'd bet on "He even raped me" as the correct ending to this, but i don't know.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThat's what I thought, too.
Poor Dashie, she's the fandom's punching bag.
Ah well.
reads the tags
VastaKustutasees "Suicidal Tendancies"
this is pony
wtf
I echo the sentiment about the great potential in this story, and the sentiments about not making things complicated when it isn't necessary.
VastaKustutaBut I have to say that the second chapter comes real close to laying it on so thick that the suspension of belief is broken, so if it is going to be built on from there there needs to be considerable caution applied.
Bravo!
VastaKustutaYou'd think Rainbow Dash would be immune to injury from crashing into things since that's basically her catchphrase. 9.9 It's sort of like pinkie pie dying by choking on a cupcake or something.
VastaKustutaAlso, let's start out shipping Applejack and Rainbow Dash by making them *sisters*. Yes. This is a good plan. >.<
I have to echo some of the comments here -- perhaps even MORE in a sense. The whole thing just seems to be a bit TOO much tossed in, combined with extra cliche and mixed with, as others said, things going too fast.
VastaKustutaThis didn't hit me emotionally, I just practically rolled my eyes at it. My disbelief wasn't just suspended, it was tossed out the window. Yes it's POSSIBLE to do a tearjerker abuse story within the universe of happy friendship ponies...but it just didn't work here for whatever reason. Too much cliche maybe. Combined with a few things that seemed out of place - the idea of a modern hospital doesn't seem to quite fit with what we've seen, especially as we HAVE seen a much less ambitious clinic.
Also, just the general idea of the story. Rainbow has depression and is on medicine to treat it? Somehow that REALLY rubs me the wrong way, when one considers her character. Especially combining it with the element of loyalty and all.
...ok so I didn't really think I'd go completely tearing this story down, and normally I wouldn't, but I think it's because it's still generally decently written (thankfully MLP is pretty imune so far but yeesh the sheer horrid writing that lands on FF.net sometimes is painful, and worse that it often gets extreme praise), and I apologize if I seem harsh....
TL;DR version? A nice try but unconvincing and just tries to hard to get an emotional response.
wow, this is very cool
VastaKustutaand thus the memories of the hundreds of other sad Rainbow Dash fics return, not a good feel bro
VastaKustutaMelodia, you read my mind. The writing isn't bad - it flows pretty well and has a nice, natural cadence. [But please. Please. Everypony. We KNOW the characters. You don't have to describe them as "the orange filly" or "the spectrum-maned pony." AJ and Dash is FINE. Really. ^_^]
VastaKustutaPer the story itself, however, I don't think this was a complete success. It's rare for such serious cases of depression to lead to self-mutilation as in Dash's case here. [The suicide, maybe, but not the stuff about her hitting herself and breaking her own leg.] Self-mutilation is a completely different bag of bones from depression.
All in all, I think the author tried to do too much with the story. A deeply depressed Rainbow Dash is hard enough to take; a deeply depressed Dash coming to terms with acknowledging Applejack as "more-than-a-friend" while dealing with crippling depression is a little too much for the reader to take.
I'm sorry, but I lost interest on the first page of part 2.
VastaKustutaI'm all for Appledash, but this just seems.....unrealistic.
Rainbow Dash is the last pony I would expect to be taking medication or having a depression problem. Both Dash and AJ are the tough ponies, and it seems to me that when they are the only ones involved in the story, you're forgetting about the personalities or the feelings the other ponies might feel about this situauion.
I was nearly done with the first chapter before I realised it, and I barely registered any emotion. Just go slower next time. Really draw out the misery.
VastaKustuta@Blackberry
VastaKustutaNO NO NO. Wrong. It is ALWAYS ok to assume that you're talking to someone outside the fandom. Period. Too much information is preferable to too little and too repetitive. In fact, I prefer to read about the characters like we don't know them. It helps build the story up instead of 'Oh man, AJ and Rainbow were totally running and then ...' Helps build into the action instead of dropping people right into it all. It also helps people who AREN'T into the fandom enjoy the story if they want to.
As for the story (unrelated to my response above), I can SEE a depressed Rainbow Dash. An arrogant faux-self-assured facade covering the lack of real self esteem and a crying filly. Depression, especially deep clinical depression, messes with your mind. Also, my mother attempted suicide a few times because she was not only depressed but trying to deal with her own sexuality (she's gay and had a hard time coming to terms with it). So this ain't that far off from what I've seen fellas.
I think the main problem people are having here is that most people read about depression and assume that it's all black rainbows and cutting, emo crying about how the world's not fair and dramatics. There are more aspects to it than that and people forget that it affects CEO and farmer alike. Rainbow Dash doesn't seem to fit their expectations of what a depressed person would act like, she's confident and self-assured in the show. I can see it, though, as I said before. Either her meds keeping a physical chemical imbalance from spiraling out of control or keeping her past from ripping her apart. It's a grimdark interpretation of her character but it does fit.
All in all, yes the emotions seem to be laid on thick as mortar, yes it seems a tad cliched in some areas (a single tear), yes it's not well shown that Rainbow's confidence is a crumbling wall holding back a torrential river of self-hatred but it's not poorly characterized. Just because the author's taken the character and gone someplace you don't agree with or like doesn't mean it's not done right.
Wow, the sheer potential of this story is enormous! I look forward to the next chapter...
VastaKustutaTags: Incomplete
VastaKustutaFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-
"Suicidal Tendencies"
VastaKustuta@Melodia
VastaKustutaOh my stars this. A thousand times this.
It's decently written I guess, but it's clichéd and rife with factual inaccuracy. The idea is all right if you don't think about it too hard, but there's very little actually original here.
Abusive drunken father? Tragic, but terribly passé.
Self harm? Fair enough, that would be a reasonable reaction for somepony, but breaking a bone through biting? Nuh-uh. That's ridiculous. (OK, that's factual inaccuracy, but still)
Hiding behind the sofa? Also unoriginal and uninspired.
The shipping is out of the blue and doesn't work, the suicide attempt doesn't make sense even from the circumstances and mindset Dash was in. You don't decide to kill yourself on a whim because the opportunity is there and it all seems meaningless.
I understand that abusive households do exist, and are tragic, we read stories, even the sad ones, to get away from normality, not escape to a tale of stereotype and cliché.
Note: That's not to say it's bad, just that the prereaders really should have caught this one in the net.
*but we read stories. Way to undermine your conclusion, Evey...
VastaKustutaFirst off, thank you all for reading, rating and commenting!
VastaKustutaI'd like to comment towards all of you who have said something about the way Rainbow acted through depression. I myself have depression, and all of her actions are very normal for people who suffer from the disorder. Yes, they may seem a little out-of-hoof, but trust me, they are very real and accurate. Some mindsets are more severe than others, and the way our pegasus friend acted is quite common.
As for the next chapter, I'm not quite sure when I'll get to that, I may even have Seth bring this story down even if it just got put up. I may revise the story as a whole and fluff it up to give it more backbone and hopefully draw some extra emotion. I didn't expect this story to get so many ratings and views, so maybe reworking it and posting it when the entire is finished, maybe some value and character can be added and it will turn out better for those who find the story too "cliche" or "wrong."
Well, the premise is promising, but I do wonder how RD managed to stay in 1 piece after falling from...say...10,000 ft. Even slowing down to 50 mph (let's say that enough clouds slowed her descent), the depth of the dent on the ground implied a velocity that was fast enough to very much destroy the body beyond recognition.
VastaKustuta@Anonymousjesus. big comment much? i likee this story, but poor rainbow, being beaten, raped,, beaten some more. i'm so glad applejack was able to give her a sholder to cry on, and be there for her.
VastaKustutaYOU CAN'T END IT THERE
VastaKustutaFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
MOAR
Well that offically sent me laughing and crying for about 3 minutes straight. Oh dear Luna don't ever use ejaculated like that again. Just edit it already. Funniest [Sad][Shipping] moment ever. 5/5 just for the amazing spontanious laughter this story brought about.
VastaKustutaBloody amazing.
I do have depression as well.. Which is probably why i dont agree with people saying its unreal etc.
VastaKustutaIt all seems very possible.. The only thing i dont like is that you didnt really play with us.. It was all happening a little too quick..
great when listening to the pearl harbor theme on a loop
VastaKustutaI can buy Rainbow Dash having clinical depression and trying to kill herself after being turned down by the Wonderbolts.
VastaKustutaI'm not buying anything else, though. It's just simply not convincing as it currently stands.
In short: Interesting idea, poor execution, but potentially salvageable.
3/5 stars for trying.
I..I dont get it... OH WELL! 5/5. I want moar.
VastaKustutaYou need to finish this. I need to try to rustle up some happy Dash stories now.
VastaKustutaI just finished both chapters and I won't lie; I want more. I want to know how Apple Jack will express her joy/concern at the sight of her friend finally awake.
VastaKustutaThe story read well, but it is a fact that the mind will fix problems and we don't notice. I plan to reread this again.
What I did notice, and it isn't a lot, was how much the "ejaculated" knocked me out of the story. I understood what you meant, but it felt out of place. I just dove right back into the story with the next sentence. Also, I have point that Dashy breaking her own leg with her teeth just feels too much. Perhaps, simply bleeding could work.
And lastly, I may be wrong but don't Pegasus live in clouds? I thought it was strange that Rainbow's house was on the ground, but I understand that for the purpose of having Apple Jack there to see it.
I am glad I read this story as I can see Rainbow Dash being able to hide her emotions from others very well, and I hope to see more in the near future.
Very near future, please.
tl;dr?
Don't sweat the ejaculation, teeth make poor bone breakers, and I want more!
Everyone stfu about "ejaculated".
VastaKustutaAlso, why does everyone always post these kinds of stories unfinished? It tears at my emotions not to know what is going to happen next. Master of suspense or evil, one of the two.
I hate my tendency to connect emotionally with what I read...
VastaKustuta@Xandon
VastaKustutaAlso for some reason this made me remember this song. Hecate Enthroned - Goetia
I love this story, wonderfully written. The "ejaculate" part did throw me off, but it's no big deal :3
VastaKustuta5/5!
We want more!
B-but, why isnt there more?!
VastaKustutaI want to know what happens!!!!! D:
Like I had said earlier in a comment above, thank you all!
VastaKustutaI will be writing more, I've just had my hands tied at the moment, a lot of work being done. I will finish the story before any more chapters get posted up, and will be reworking and revising the first two chapters to make them more 'fitting' for some of the bronies here.
I will plan on releasing a chapter a week once the story is finished, and everything will be plenty fluffier, way more fleshed out, and a lot of attention paid to our poor Rainbow Dash and conflicted Applejack.
@Small Talk
VastaKustutaThat's great to hear! I really want to know more, and look forward to the additions!
Oh good, you will be finishing the story. But, I swear to Celestia that if you kill off Dashie, I will go "Misery" on you.
VastaKustuta(Stephen King Reference FTW)
Great read by the way, the only qualm I had was needing to know how it ends.
Dontudare kill off Dashie.
VastaKustutaOr Pinky will go Cupcakes.
Y U NO UPDATE
VastaKustuta--reads comments--
Oh good.
For me, this is an odd reason to make Dash depressed. I would have gone the route of making her fail at some flying competition... probably because I could relate to that more.
Anyways... I do enjoy the read.
As much as I know I probably shouldn't ask.
VastaKustutaWHEN CAN WE EXPECT MOAR?!?
Get it finnished :)
VastaKustutaA little bit of closure would be nice.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustuta'bird cawing'
WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED???DO you just WROTE too much appledash shipping?"three star"
I just read the first chapter, the writing was good but I felt the pacing was a bit too fast and RD doing that after her first tryout? I thibk it would be after failing several tryouts, but oh well.
VastaKustutaNow onto the next chapter!
I'm glad that she hasn't inmediatly done a 180 into apologetic-learned-my-lesson after waking up alive.
VastaKustutaUhm. Gonna go ahead and assume that I will /never/ be able to finish this story.
VastaKustutaSad? I might have to wait a few days before reading this, but it looks to be an interesting read. One heart melting story per week is my limit!
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutapifft.. im never Sad... *Sigh in Depess*
VastaKustuta