Author: Lysis
Description: Fluttershy has been transported to 1930's Earth, and has become human in the process. With the help of a stranger, she must cross America within four days to reach the one thing that can get her home.The Kindness of Strangers
The Kindness of Strangers 2
The Kindness of Strangers 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Humanized, Fluttershy, Motorcycle, No Shipping, Roadtrip
189 comments:
Did somepony say first?
ReplyDelete1930s? Random human pony transformation?
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued.
Four ratings to a total of 2 stars and only two comments? (three with mine).
ReplyDeleteI think somepony jumped ahead and rated without reading. Let's read it first.
Very cute. Looking forward to more.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it whenever humans show up on this blog everyone throws a fit?
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting premise.
I hope there are real gangsters in this story with fedoras and tommy guns.
ReplyDeleteI have never been a fan of human stories re: ponies. This, however, I love. I gladly give you all my stars! This is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much potential for the setting, but I feel it was poorly paced.
ReplyDelete3/5 for this chapter
I'll hold off on the stars because your vote only counts once and I want it to count.
Fluttershy? turned human? into the 1930's?
ReplyDeleteOH HELL YEAH!!! :D
This is shaping up to be interesting; instead of just throwing her in and having her fumble around, like human in equestria story equivalents, this throws a goal, problem, and how to resolve it, all very quickly and natrually.
ReplyDeletecan't wait to read more.
That was a very good story. It's like a mixture between LA Noire and Enchanted with Ponies in it. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the pacing needs some work, I can't help but mention that I am a HUGE fan of the 1920s/30s culture.
ReplyDeleteAll the Fedoras, Tommy Guns, real bad-ass Gangsters, the Prohibition, the upbeat Swing and Big Band music, classy and curved cars, towering skyscrapers, AND the Golden Age of Cinema and Hollywood, I just fell in love with the story! Then again, that is just me...
5/5 Stars, but that may drop if the author keeps the pace the same.
I'm enjoying it so far.
ReplyDeletecan't wait to see more.
5/5
Uh . . . What? The male protagonist is named Asaji? In 1930s New York? Asaji is a Japanese name, and to say it's uncommon is a bit of an understatement. (Most immigrant parents would give their kids names to blend in, after all.) And how could he be so bloody cold all the time?! Seriously, Fluttershy uses "The Stare" on him while yelling at him that he's a heartless monster for eating meat, and the most reaction we get is an icy "Don't judge me"? What the frak?
ReplyDeleteAlso, why in the world did you make it so that Equestria is a planet that's significantly small than Earth? Do you have any idea just how many problems that causes due to the lesser gravity? It doesn't for two other reasons too: the first is that only nautical miles are determined by the size of the Earth, and this isn't a well known fact to those not into aviation, sea travel, or geography; and the second is that you could have just had the main character say "Oh, that's not a problem, my county spans the whole continent, has a reliable highway system, and has readily available transportation with top speeds in excess of 60mph," and it would have been a much better explanation.
In addition, the whole concept of a road trip in the US didn't really get started till the late 30s when work on a lot of the highways was completed. Even then it didn't really take off till the 50s when President Eisenhower had the Grand Army of the Republic Highway System built.
The concept is unique, and the writing isn't bad at all, but there are just too many character and factual hiccups for me to continue reading.
@Cody MacArthur Fett
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your blunt honesty, friend. Without it people like myself would never improve. I know his name is strange. I know the method for getting her on Earth was never fully explained. I know Asaji is a cold person with little personality.
But actually, you are wrong on one occasion. There are no real highways crossing the country at this time, and the speed limit is lower. What he's agreed to is actually a difficult task.
And, um....whatever you want to do is fine, regarding reading it. It isn't the kind of story that everyone likes, anyway.
Loving the story so far. Well written and interesting plot. The dialog felt a bit awkward at times though. At least 3 stars. And as to our protagonist, Asaji...Assuming he is Japanese, I can see racism coming into play. Obviously things between America and Japan hadn't heated up yet, but he's probably going to cross someone who doesn't like him just because he's different.
ReplyDeleteJapan is also in full swing of it's occupation of China and Russia declares Japan to be an enemy.
Also, some interesting historical notes: In september 1935, Sen. Huey P. Long aka "The Kingfish" dies from being shot by Dr. Carl Austin Weiss, Jr. And the German government adopts the Nuremberg Laws, which deprived German Jews of their citizenship.
Very glad to see this up here. You got a good foundation, now all you have to do is finish building this up. If you execute it properly, you will have a very interesting fic on your hands. Great job, once again!
ReplyDelete@Cody MacArthur Fett 'Do you have any idea just how many problems that causes due to the lesser gravity?'
ReplyDeleteProbably not as many as are caused by the possibility that Equestria isn't spherical.
@Lysis Minor point, the gravity issue could be solved, if only because the fundamental physics on equestria is different. For instance, the planet has a much denser core, increasing mass and therefore the effect of gravity, (unlikely), or you could just rely on the fallback; it's magic. The latter solution is probably more likely under the circumstances.
ReplyDelete@Bemmo Also, this point should really have been a reply to Cody MacArthur Fett. My bad.
ReplyDeleteIt's quite interesting and stuff, but Asaji got little character, really. He need some development, because right now he is quite blank.
ReplyDelete@Cody MacArthur Fett
ReplyDeleteEarth doesn't have magic, so the Stare (which I'm guessing is magic-based) won't work.
Just because Equestria is smaller, doesn't necessarily mean it'd have lower gravity, and besides, it was stated the laws of physics was likely different between the two places.
It seems to me you're fault-finding rather than actually criticizing.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThe next chapter will hopefully work towards solving the issue of his character development. It would have been awkward to cram in a ton of personality in the first chapter.
There already is a little personality here:
He lives alone in a tiny apartment, he's skilled with machines, and he drinks. Any more then that would have felt....I don't know, overdoing it for the first introductory chapter. That's just my take on it.
Inb4 Motorbike fails and gets on the TCRR.
ReplyDeleteAlso...
Inb4 Flutt is scared s**tless of steam locomotives.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteanachronism: Clark's third law wasn't codified until the early 70s.
Clark wasn't even published anywhere till 1937.
(I prefer one of Niven's laws: Any sufficiently rigorously defined magic is indistinguishable from technology.)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteVery true, but I like the quote enough to break the rules a bit. I hope it didn't ruin the story for you.
It's nice. Unrealistic for the time period but nice.
ReplyDeleteMechanically, it's good. A few repetitions of things, like a whole section where the first word of almost every sentence was 'He.' Mix it up a tad. 'The man,' 'the guy,' ... uhm, 'he' works too? Heh, I guess it is hard before his name is out there. It doesn't matter now, but I'd try different sentence structures. It reads well, though, so if it's not broke ...
Now then, the plot stuff. The guy's name has been mentioned but I'd like to question, well, everything else. In 1935, values and mores were very different than today. It doesn't FEEL like it's 1935, it feels like it's present-day. It's still a little early in the story to tell but that's my first impression. He doesn't act the way a guy from 1935 would act, at least from my POV. To be honest, though, if he did act that way, Fluttershy would be in a hospital once First Aid was done. Tattoos? On a lady? Obvious streetwalker, at least at that time. Or a lady of ill repute, whether she was a prostitute or a sideshow. And that's begging for trouble from the coppers, so off to hospital she goes. Still, it's for a purpose so it's forgivable.
As to what some others have said, his character isn't blank, it's just the first chapter. Wait till part two or three to really start seeing characterization.
The US Highway system of the 30's was terrible. I mean bad. It wasn't till the Superhighway of the 50's that cross-country travel was really improved, until then it was a time-consuming and just plain horrible concept. "Turn left at where the barn used to be."
Overall, I liked it. It's too far along to change most of the 'issues' I see now, so let's see how the author works them into and around the concept. And heck, maybe what I see as an issue is something intended and I need to shut up.
Wow! I'm usually the "Long-Comment-Reviewer-Anon" around here but it looks like everybody else has done my job for me today! Thanks bronies! :D
ReplyDeleteStill, I just have to say... Asaji? Really? Is there no way he could be named something normal for 1930's America? It feels REALLY out of place.
Cool story, I actually liked the protagonist's personality better than other readers. It reminds me of myself and how calm I can be in crazy situations. I'm anticipating chapter 2! 4 stars.
ReplyDeleteI am calling it now, Asaji is going to end up in Equestria. Hear me out. The gateway is in a cave, that is on a fault line, and it is holding the cave up due to a stone lodged in it. So, Asaji is going to bring Fluttershy there, before an earthquake collapses the cave, and get her through it. It was said that the cave will collapse when the rock is removed, and Celestia and Luna will remove it to Equestria so Fluttershy can get through. Now, assuming Asaji won't send Fluttershy into the cave and say good luck, he will have to escort her to the gateway. Therefore, the only options are he dies in a cave collapse, which he won't deserve after getting Fluttershy to the cave, or he ends up going to Equestria with her. Also, were you referencing Stargate with the whole gateway thing? That is all from me.
ReplyDelete^ Yay! More Human in Equestria shit! I love that stuff!
ReplyDelete@Coolguyrlr1030
ReplyDeleteWell, I learned about the Stargate series after I showed this to my editor...but I've taken the whole thing in stride since.
Considering how many good human-fied pony fics have been sent that get canned, I always grit my teeth whenever you change your rules on a mindless whim.
ReplyDelete@Kierrin Halcyon
ReplyDeleteSeth can't clop to human-fied ponies often.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteNiven's and Clark's laws are complimentary. Clark says technology is indistinguishable from magic, and Niven says magic is indistinguishable from technology. Its like a conservation of understanding.
Personally, my first thought was "Was there an earthquake in California at the right time?"....there wasn't, at least none big enough for Wikipedia to list. Also, the San Andreas fault actually goes off into the sea well below the "northern edge" of the state, though granted there's plenty of other faults everywhere.
ReplyDeleteIf you had made it June 3, 1934 and the location near the center of the state, that would have lined up...
But eh, it's fiction, right :)
@Melodia
ReplyDeleteOf course its fiction. So what if there wasn't an earthquake there at that time in history? There also wasn't an ancient Gateway that lead to a land of talking ponies either.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI think the problem with just dismissing it as "meh, talking ponies, I dun need reasons, it's fiction" is that the author has put this fic into a defined historical period and there's now a natural inclination for the readers to read it as a period piece.
Okay, gotta ask, is Asaji half-Japanese or something? He's got blue eyes, and a name like that, I'm kinda assuming maybe he's the kid of an immigrant and a local.
ReplyDelete(Before anyone starts, I know perfectly well that blue eyes aren't the sole domain of Whites or Westerners, and just eye color alone isn't enough to determine *any* ethnicity, I just kinda wanna know the direction this author's going.)
All the anachronisms and the lack of mention of the Great Depression lead me to believe that this is an Earth alternate to our own, or that Asaji is a time traveler of some sort himself.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like the story so far.
I really liked this story, the fact is, I want to say that the person who wrote it took a lot of time and effort making this story, that or they're just a writing genius xD
ReplyDelete@Sharkman
ReplyDeleteHe's half something, but he isn't half Japanese. That's all I'll say.
Jeez, so many comments on Asaji, all based off his name. Gee wiz, I underestimated you all. I'm trying to address the name in the next chapter. Please, try not to let it ruin the story for you....please.
....Wow. Is it normal for a fic to get this many 'star ratings' in only one day? This isn't anything particularly special, either... must just be a slow day.
ReplyDeleteJust because he has a rare name shouldn't ruin it for everybody. After all, if he were named John or something that would be too plain.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it moved a little fast at the end, I think this is going to be my favorite fanfic.
So get off of here and write 15 more chapters!
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete100 'star' reviews in one day?
...I don't think that's normal....but I'm not the one rating it...
I guess I need to thank everyone for reading it. So thanks everyone, for reading it. I promise you all I'll work very hard on more chapters.
You sir/and or/madame have just earned over 100 ratings in less than 24 hours! You have a treasure trove right under your feet! Our expectations are high, so we all wish you good luck on completing chapter 2!
ReplyDeleteThis story has a lot of potential and handles the human equation quite nicely. I am also far from picky, take my stars, take all of them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm calling it now: Who want s to bet that Asaji gets pulled through the gateway.
@Wierdplatformer
ReplyDeleteWith hooves he will never be able to build his motorcycle.
Too bad this isn't set a few years later when the government was rounding up Japanese citizens. Could have a part where it is revealed that he is part Japanese and they have to escape from government people.
ReplyDeleteAre you going to release these as they are written or over a set period of time?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI'll release chapters after they've been gone over by my editors. I can't say anything about the length of the chapters though, since that first introductory one was longer then I thought it would be.
While they won't be released over a preset period of time, they will be released when deemed 'good'.
I really like your writing style, Lysis. After you are done with this do you think you could write a story about the mayor? Sort of a origin of Ponyville and how she came to be the mayor story. I'm not very creative so I don't feel like I could make it too interesting.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI don't know, man. At the moment, I'm more concerned about just finishing the story in the first place. I honestly don't know if this will be my only fic or not.
I can guarantee you though that I won't be starting another project while I'm working on this. I'm bogged down enough. My editor likes to review lots of different stories, and since he's a friend I help him out. It exposes me to a lot of different fics and writing styles though, so it all works out in the end.
@Lysis
ReplyDeletewell, check out this thread and if someday after you finish this story you decide you want to write another I think it would be awesome to be about this
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/pony/res/35667172.html
Who's the artist on that drawing? It looks just like a friend of mine. Only with pink hair. And wings.
ReplyDeleteChapter Two is all written, and half edited as I type this. .....taking into account that my Editor has been crippled by computer troubles, the new chapter won't be out for a few more days. Please, just have faith....
ReplyDeleteAnd here I was wondering when the next chapter would be out.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to read more.
And personally the chronology/name issues don't bother me. It's fiction after all...
Good luck with the rest.
The only problem I see is Asaji is a little too... Good. He didn't question too much stuff, was usually calm, and, albiet, an Ass when Fluttershy yells at him. He doesn't even question why shes mad bout the meat.
ReplyDelete*facepalm sigh* just what I want...a main male lead with zero flaws, talks the way he writes, and with seemingly zero agenda...gee how imaginative. Let me guess, they're going to fall in love and this main male lead is actually just this writers foul attempt at trying to ship HIMSELF with fluttershy. Explains why hes so egotistical about his male lead.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous (11:08)
ReplyDeleteI say this in defence of the show not the fanfic cuz I quite frankly couodnt stand it. Yeah yeah okay grammar was good blah blah blah but it was so typical. Anyways, The Stare can't be magic because only Unicorns are capable of magic, I always saw Fluttershy's 'The Stare' as a characteristic, similar to hw your mother would give you a stare and you would nsturally feel intimidated.
@Lysis:
ReplyDeleteI'm the dude who read Chapter 2 when just put it up during chat.
As I said, I really have no comments other than what I've already said in google chat. Just one thing: don't let this be a human-bashing story. Considering it's called "The Kindness of Strangers" I doubt that's where you're going but just making sure.
@QuillDipper
ReplyDeleteYeh that didnt make any sense, and I question why she is making such a big deal about a meat-eater, FFS there have been at least 2 FiM episodes where Fluttershy even feeds meat to her animals (the food was probably even some of her other pets)
4/5. Cool story, as far as i could tell it was very, very well written, the vocabulary was vast and understandable. The plot... it moves somewhat slower due to the precise, precise description. This aspects is liked by some, disliked by some; I think it helps the reader to fully understand the surroundings and really create an image in his head.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, I'll probably read more
Oh man I love this story so much it's so good and detailed. I think the pacing is pretty perfect, but I can see why others might want it to slow down. More of a good thing and all.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the third chapter SO HARD. >:D
Overall sad and pathetic. Zero characterisation with non-existant characterisation in the dialogue to boot. There is no meaning to this story. There is just...so much wrong withnthis. The proper grammar use just makes it seem like you were actually trying hard to fail at something, or a desperate attempt to make people think this rubbish was good. I've already seen in a few comments, and I have to agree, that this is a sad attempt at an author attempting to ship himself with a female cartoon character. The Asaji name explanation came out of complete nowhere, which goes to show how the author was so uncomfortable with the comments regarding the name here that his transfered these emotions to his cartoon self. Pople seem to think that good grammar makes for a good story, and the way this is going, this author is going to continue to rely on this delusion to win over the weaker fanfic readers.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteFAIL. Didn't you see the "No Shipping" tag up above?
Unless the author is a complete idiot or a master troll, he's not going to do that.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYour comment, overall sad and pathetic, zero constructive criticism with non existent responsibility. There is so much wrong with your comment. The complaints about how grammar is used to cover up a story is a blatant show of you being an elitist grammar nazi. I don't agree with the other comments because if you had taken the time to talk with the author and understand instead of being a parasprite, you would know that this isn't a shipfic. People seem to think that being a complete douche in a comment just because your "anonymous" is acceptable, and the way your posting, I think it needs to change. Even with anonimity, you should still consider your words and take accountability.
The pre-readers who are AUTHORS of 5 star fics themselves liked it.
Now put your money where your mouth is and write your own god damn fic if you think this one sucks.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteObviously I am amazing if you had to copy paste my criticism template. Owned.
OMG ANONYMOUS BATTLE
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteTemplate? So you use this on fics you don't like?
P.S. U mad, bro?
@Anonymous (9:24)
ReplyDeleteas mad as I can be reading terrible fanfics and being replied to by a nobhead attempting to fight with memes =)
Yay for the second update. The story is working out well so far, yet I would of liked more action or interesting character tidbits on our protagonist. I can imagine this fiction going in so many ways, especially given its time era. I really hope you take full advantage of the 1930's as a unique canvas to tell this tale.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just because there is no shipping, don't shy away from the platonic relationship of our duo. They do, after all, exhibit strong qualities of kindness and other similar traits; they can really form a strong bond of friendship (without shipping).
i too dont believe for an instant that this guy isnt living a fantasy of trying to ship himself lol. they always pretend they arent
ReplyDeleteThe concept sounded interesting--a pony stuck on the 1930s Earth--but I'm disappointed by the execution. Asaji frankly seems like a Mary Sue/Gary Stu, of the "tough guy" variety. (Also, "Asaji"? I read the in-story explanation, but it was weak IMO.)
ReplyDeleteBut my primary complaint is that Fluttershy seems really dumbed down and depowered in this in order to make the "hero" look stronger. Yes, she is a shy and meek pony in the cartoon. But come on, having her feeling ashamed for telling someone they shouldn't eat animals? I could see her thinking "Okay, I have to cooperate with this monster until I can get away from him" and later coming to grips with the fact that people can good in one way and bad (to her) in another, or I could see her making friends with the guy over time first and THEN finding out he eats meat and struggling over it. But to have her feel ashamed for telling someone eating critters is wrong is out of character. That would be like Rainbow Dash feeling ashamed after telling someone that athletic competitions shouldn't be rigged or determined by bribes to the judges. "Bribes aren't morally wrong to ME, how dare you judge me!" Yeah, I don't think so.
Just read the two chapters. I like it. Compared to that other fic with the Mane cast and the Doctor turning into Humans and... going to some random guy's farm... doing chores... yeah. Couldn't finish it.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping someone would do something more "Enchanted"-like. A lot of the problems I have with it have been mentioned. Mainly, there really isn't much in the story that really signifies a 30s setting. It just seemed like a quick and easy way to get modern tech out of the way. Like others have said 50s or 60s would've made more sense. Though, I love the idea of something post-Pearl Harbor, that would've made his "shameful name" much more relevant. I didn't like the blatant de-powering of The Stare to make Asaji look better either.
Other than those minor gripes, I'm really enjoying the story and can't wait for more!
okay this is gonna sound really weird but who the f is gary stu or mary sue?
ReplyDeleteI love it.
ReplyDeleteWell, I personally believe all the negative comments should be ignored because if they are not being constructive critics then they are just jealous idiots who take the time to read the hard work of others (or maybe they don't in that case they're just a parasprite) and belittle that which the reader cannot create because of their lack of imagination. This fan-fic IMO is well written, provides a level of detail you wouldn't expect from an amateur author, and for that I thank you for creating such a well written world, although others may disagree.
ReplyDeleteWhere to start? There seem to be an influx of readers with either zero reading comprehension or no grand picture of where the story is going. It's a story in progress in case you hadn’t noticed. If you’re going to nitpick, at least do it well. Let’s begin.
ReplyDelete>*facepalm sigh*
I'm “face palming” already.
>zero flaws, talks the way he writes, and with seemingly zero agenda
If you were paying attention you'd have noticed the myriad of flaws in the character. Talking the way he writes (I don't know who you're referring to here) is a stylistic choice that fits the character. Not having an agenda is a good thing. It's called the “Kindness of Strangers” for a reason you know.
>gee how imaginative.
I know! I've never seen a character like this before either! I'm glad you think it's imaginative too.
>Let me guess
Assumption
>they're
Who's they?
>going to fall in love and this main male lead is actually just this writers foul attempt at trying to ship HIMSELF with fluttershy.
This entire sentence is a grammatical train wreck, makes virtually no sense, and couldn't be more wrong.
>Explains why hes so egotistical about his male lead.
Assertion, and again wrong. He's the main character, the story revolves around him and Fluttershy. Get your head out of your ass before you try writing another comment.
And are you trying to make a point or making baseless assumptions out your wazoo? If you've got a valid critique I'd love to hear it. But then again, I'd guess you're a troll (assumption) and that's why you write like a 10th grader (assertion). See how one proves the other? Oh wait, they don't...that's just you being an ass for seemingly no reason. If you have a valid critique and can act like a civilized human being for the few moments it takes to type something out then let's hear it. Otherwise, keep your stupidity to yourself and go read another story.
>I say this in defence of the show not the fanfic cuz I quite frankly couodnt stand it.
Do you have a reason for that or are you just mad and/or trolling?
>Yeah yeah okay grammar was good blah blah blah but it was so typical.
Grammar isn't everything but you still haven't made a point. What exactly is “typical” about this story? I'd love some examples...oh wait, you've got none.
>Anyways, The Stare can't be magic because only Unicorns are capable of magic
Couldn't be wronger in my opinion. Oh wait, everyone is entitled to their own opinion! Too bad you can't express yours in a civilized and grown up manner.
Last I checked, your average mother couldn't stare down a Dragon or a Cockatrice (reversing their petrifying stare in the process). It can be magic if it makes sense for it to be magic. While I can see the kernel of a point in there, you're not expressing yourself properly. Your interpretations and opinions are not suddenly better than anyone else's, but I will thank you for not being a total asshat about things.
As for all the “meat” talk, FS is a staunch vegetarian and animal lover. Think of her as the PETA/Vegan type. If you don't have to eat animals, then she probably thinks you shouldn't. It's all about reactions here people. How would you react if someone told you that the Holocaust never happened? Oh wait, someone's going to tell me that's a terrible example cause you can't possibly compare the two. Statement -> Reaction -> Rebuttal. Try and think about things on the grand scale.
>Overall sad and pathetic.
Because? Do you have anything to back this up?
1/2
2/2
ReplyDelete>Zero characterisation with non-existant characterisation in the dialogue to boot.
You're repeating yourself and couldn't be more wrong. You can't have read the whole story thus far and actually believe there isn't any characterization unless you're illiterate. For the sake of argument, if there was absolutely zero characterization, then that itself is characterization. The character can be either stoic or a blank slate. Either way, you're making stuff up.
>There is no meaning to this story. There is just...so much wrong withnthis.
Suddenly stories have to have meaning? I thought they were supposed to entertain people with their interesting characters and overarching plot. Try harder. As for “so much wrong withnthis [sic]” I'd love to hear some examples to support your accusations. Thus far, you've said nothing constructive and you've only made yourself look like more of a troll than you probably already are. Oh wait, that's an opinion. Funny things those opinions...
>The proper grammar use just makes it seem like you were actually trying hard to fail at something, or a desperate attempt to make people think this rubbish was good.
So you like bad grammar in stories then? Oh wait, it's a case of my opinion > your opinion. Well in my opinion you sound like a troll since you have no basis whatsoever for calling it “rubbish”. How exactly does one make someone else think something is good? As far as I know, that's near impossible so once again you're pulling stuff out of your ass.
>I've already seen in a few comments, and I have to agree, that this is a sad attempt at an author attempting to ship himself with a female cartoon character.
I must have missed those comments then, since I've seen nothing of the sort. Oh wait, you're referring to more trolls aren't you? There hasn't been an ounce of shipping so you're either projecting yourself onto the character and imagining shipping scenes within the story or White Knighting Fluttershy's honour for no reason whatsoever. Your favourite pony can interact with other characters without it being shipping you know.
>The Asaji name explanation came out of complete nowhere, which goes to show how the author was so uncomfortable with the comments regarding the name here that his transfered these emotions to his cartoon self.
You're making assumptions again. Terrible ones. God forbid an author address issues brought to light by the readership then? Or is it so unimaginable that with such an exotic name like “Asaji” that the author would want to explain it anyways? If you've got a point about execution then make it, otherwise keep your “opinions” to yourself.
>Pople seem to think that good grammar makes for a good story, and the way this is going, this author is going to continue to rely on this delusion to win over the weaker fanfic readers.
Yes, “pople” often like good grammar in a story, just as I like good spelling in general. You could write the best story on Earth and it would still be a piece of shit with terrible grammar. It doesn't work in reverse, but it can certainly help a good story be better. Troll harder.
>The complaints about how grammar is used to cover up a story is a blatant show of you being an elitist grammar nazi
There's nothing wrong with being a grammar nazi so long as you have VALID ARGUMENTS to back up the nitpicking. God knows I've disliked parts of otherwise excellent stories because the author didn't proofread it ahead of time and smooth out the grammar. Still, I'd agree. There's no point saying a story is BAD because it did things WELL.
>Now put your money where your mouth is and write your own god damn fic if you think this one sucks.
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't help but agree with the overall sentiments of your post, there's no point telling people to do better themselves. If I read a bad story, I'm going to tell someone it's bad and base my opinion on ACTUAL EVIDENCE. Not tell them it sucks and they suck just because I don't like it and other shouldn't either.
That seems to be the major problem here: people either haven't read the damn story thus far, or are ignoring the facts because they want to rage about it. They don't like it because it's against their principles and “shouldn't exist”. Complaining about good grammar? Are you frigging kidding me? That has to be the stupidest comment I have ever read.
Try harder next time trolls! The best I can do is a 2/10 for making me reply and point out your stupidity and/or ignorance.
-Hoss
Mary Sues/Gary Stus are self-insertion characters. Basically, they are the author as the author wishes she/he was. "Wow, I wish I could meet Mr. Spock! I also wish I was a beautiful 16 year old Star Trek officer named Darke Raven StarCrystal with naturally blue hair who is half-Vulcan who is also a physicist who is brilliant but misunderstood and at first Dr. McCoy doesn't like me but later we fall in love but then I sacrifice my life to save the Enterprise because I'm awesome like that and Captain Kirk sheds manly tears over my body. That sure would be an interesting story!"
ReplyDelete^ Now, most Mary Sue stories won't be as obvious as that, but you get the idea. They are made to be perfect, to be the center of the story, and to amaze the canon characters they come in contact with. If they do have flaws, they will be ones that are "cool" or not really flaws (for example, "so beautiful everyone instantly falls in love with her, what a burden", "such an rugged individualist that he keeps losing jobs because he doesn't take crap from ANYONE.")
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou can't compare FS and RD to begin with. She isn't ashamed for advocating Vegetarianism, she's ashamed for having lost her temper and exploding on this guy and trying to use The Stare on him.
...The next chapter will take a bit longer to finish then the second one did.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I want to make it clear that I encourage honesty in the comments. Without criticism, nothing ever gets improved. Thanks for reading, one way or another.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete@Hoss
So essentially, all you did was nitpick at the grammar of the criticism, and use arguments where you mix real life physics with MLP physics and expect people are going to take you seriously? What a laugh, none of what you said was valid.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete0/10 for not even properly reading my posts.
This is the problem, we've got people like you who can't see more than an inch in front of their faces.
I did much more than nitpick the "grammar" of the posts (which in general was acceptable).
>real life physics with MLP physics
I just checked and I didn't mention physics once. Troll harder.
Plenty of intelligent people will and do take me seriously but I don't expect a troll like you to understand that.
>none of what you said was valid
Ha-ha-ha. Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder. 0/10, too obvious.
The way the OC is written is still stiff, but it doesn't bother me very much. I think the characterization comes from what the author is showing us, not telling us.
ReplyDeleteI mean, consider it this way. He lives alone (has only one chair in the kitchen? Is that normal?), he drinks, the building he lives in is falling apart, he has no money, he's only smiled once in almost 40 pages...
He strikes me as deep, to be honest. Maybe Lysis is just holding back on his personal history? Or maybe he's a plot device. I really can't tell yet, and this is just me projecting.
And as far as the setting, why not give Lysis a chance with it? It might have been easier if he had picked another time, so why did he pick this one? If you ask me, a story set during the Great Depression has potential to be more interesting then one set in the Fifties.
Still, the pacing is....slow. I can't say that its weak though, because everything he's written so far is characterization, however subtle. The writing is above average, and Fluttershy is definitely Fluttershy.
This is a five star story, IMO, and it has even more potential. Long fics like this always take some time to get started, and this one has kept me reading even though nothing has happened yet.
They hit the road in the next chapter. It would have been in this chapter, but then it would have been way too long.
ReplyDeleteWow, these comments have two of my major pet peeves...
ReplyDeleteFirst, any argument that says someone can't complain unless they can do better fails. A person can know what's right and wrong without being able to execute it themselves. If this weren't true there'd be no such thing as critics...or teachers.
And no, a Mary Sue is not the same as a self insert. A character can be both, but neither is necessary for the other.
As for the story, it's certainly not the best. It kinda....rambles I guess. And it seems to try to push a bit of over the top drama where it's not quite needed. Still, I'm a fan enough that I'll keep reading.
I hope those two Anons realize they're arguing over a GODDAMN STORY!
ReplyDelete@Lysis
ReplyDeletePlease don't take this as me being pushy, but do you have any idea when the next one will be out? I absolutely love it so far and greatly anticipate the next installment. Keep up the good work :)
@Bemmo
ReplyDeleteNot at all. I don't know when the next chapter will be out, to be honest. I need to get some plot moving in the story, and I'm not an insanely good writer either. This will easily take more then a week to finish.
The next chapter will be done when its good....and when its better then these two miserable excuses.
Just have faith, go read some Fallout Equestria or something. Kill some time. It'll get worked on one way or another.
Fluttershy fascinated at the concept of fingers? So shes never seen them before? I must have been hallucinating every time I saw Spike holding things then.
ReplyDeleteUnlikable MCs ruin stories for me and this one was no exception. Not that it wasnt unlikable already without one.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'll go and occupy myself with some work I suppose :)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI'll give you a 4/10 for subtlety. You had me up until the last sentence.
Dragon claws =/= human fingers
Fluttershy's never had claws either bucko. It's the difference between saying "Oh hey, pegasi can fly" and "Holy fuck, I'm suddenly flying! These wings are really awesome!"
Seeing =/= feeling.
Otherwise, nice post. You were fairly civil.
So much drama in the comments
ReplyDeleteI am enjoying this very much.
ReplyDeleteIt might be slow, but I like stories with this depth of description. Otherwise, the world wouldn't feel so full. That being said, as other people have mentioned, the fact that it is the 1930's doesn't seem to really have had very much impact on the story (other than, from what I could tell, the fact that the tenements are so horribly rundown, and that he can barely afford to pay even his rent, both of which could easily happen in some other time period, though they are at least related to the Great Depression). Other people have said it better; I hope you got my point.
Asaji's character might feel stiff, and stereotypical, but it seems that he is just bitter. And do to perhaps having struggled with a difficult life, he has bottled up his emotions and poured himself into his work (/stereotypical explanation). His character, however, needs to be explored more (which I'm sure you'll do in the coming chapters). I would love to hear his back story, how he got to where he is in life now, how he got into motorcycles and mechanics, what led to his bitterness. And that could be a very interesting place to tie in the Roaring Twenties and their fall into the Depression.
As someone else mentioned this: there is a clear propensity for him and Fluttershy to form a platonic relationship and become friends. I could see his character developing away from that stiffness and bitterness mentioned earlier and becoming fuller, rounder, as Fluttershy helps him to see that there is still goodness in life or something like that. Friendship is magic, after all.
Cant wait for part 3! :D
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteIts being worked on. I'm in a writing funk, but I've gotten about 18 pages of chapter 3 drafted. Whether or not it stays that long will be determined through editing, but so far it looks.....well, passable. Certainly not presentable yet, but there's a scene in the third chapter I have high hopes for.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteI apologise if my .previous reply was a lot to respond to. It's just that when I think something has a lot of potential, or I get really into it, I give suggestions, and then as I'm writing I'll think of more and more that I want to add in, until my one piece gets dragged out into several paragraphs and so on.
Anyway, I would like to hear your thoughts on my thoughts, but I don't want to take away from your writing time, so it's okay if you don't. I just hope that I was able to help in some way.
sotha
@sotha
ReplyDeleteNo, it isn't a problem to read comments, especially kind ones. So far, you're one of the only people who understands what I'm trying to do with Asaji as a character, and for that you should feel proud.
The Great Depression and its many forms of hardship are a challenge to do justice, especially when writing for someone like Asaji. He knows she's going home, to another world. He's not the kind of person to tell her, "oh, a third of all the people here, including me, are dirt poor." He wouldn't want her to worry.
Since this is a roadtrip story, and they're on a motorcycle (with wind noise, all that stuff) they can't hold a conversation while going at speed. I had to put 'breaks' in the journey, where the story and characters are developed. In each chapter, there's a specific large 'break' that makes up the bulk of that chapter, or that carries the focus of that chapter.
Looking at it now, I'm not sure how many chapters it'll be. These are long chapters, and breaking it up kind of makes it lose flow. Ultimately, the page count and chapter count doesn't matter as long as the story gets told.
If I'm being roundabout with my answers, don't feel bitter. For one thing, I don't want to give away potential spoilers, and for another I still don't know if my original plans will work out. Everything is still open for editing and revision, but I once again stress that this is not a shipping story. No matter what direction this goes in (and it probably won't deviate too radically from what I have planned), this is not a ship story.
As always, comments are appreciated, and honesty in them is encouraged. Thanks again for being so patient for waiting for the next chapter, but I really needed to take some extra time to make the story...well, good. There is no harsher critic on my work then myself, and I still don't think it has....De Magicks? I think that's the right word.
So anyway, yeah. New chapter eventually, no need to hang around waiting with bated breath. It'll be released when its better than those last two ones were.
Third chapter entered the initial editing stages today. Thought some of you might like to know.
ReplyDeleteYES!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting story.
ReplyDelete@sunset spurt Oh Sunset, I am writing a long fanfic that will in fact include gangsters. Tommyguns and all.
ReplyDeleteAlright! So happy to see the third chapter! Loving this story so far! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete*deep breath* yay. The 3rd chapter's up!!!!! So happy, I really like this story!
ReplyDeleteoh Lysis,
ReplyDeleteyou're the best
I've read the third chapter now - and it's amazing!
ReplyDeleteFluttershy interacting with a bartender and restaurant is epic! Some backstory on Asaji! w00t.
Can't wait for part 4, though i'm sure it'll take a while. You really upload huge chunks at a time! Makes for some great reading!
Oh my gosh! It's updated! I've checked everyday anyway. /creep.
ReplyDeleteI'll read it now.
I have one word for this chapter: Bravo!
ReplyDeleteWow, you really hit your stride with this latest chapter! Really enjoyed it! Can't wait for the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed this read. My initial concerns about some self-ship nonsense were put to rest quickly and the story is moving along at a good pace. The original characters are convincing (and I can already see the beginnings of Asaji's evolution as a character beyond the stereotypical ANGST ANGST ANGST) and I enjoy pretending to know about the thirties! This is going on my list of fics to refresh for updates!
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I'm loving the amount of depth you put into it! I can't wait for Chapter 4.
ReplyDeleteWhoa chapter 3! For a while there I thought this story would be abandoned. I'm glad I was wrong. This part added some great depth to Asaji, and makes the story more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteThe Fluttershy scene within the bar was a bit ridiculous when reading.. Sal is definitely interesting, yet its confusing to why Fluttershy wouldn't be introduced properly to him given Sal's and Asaji's history. Just more questions to be explored in the next parts I hope.
@Tricky Step
ReplyDeleteIt didn't seem odd to me. Asaji didn't talk to Sal about hardly any of his life and I could see him trying to keep her his business.
Best fanfic I have read!!!
ReplyDeleteTravel scene overstayed its welcome by a bit, but the backstory more than made up for it. This is still an odd little story at times (Fluttershy seems like an excuse for another story to exist, but I'm presuming this'll work itself out), but fairly good.
ReplyDeleteThis fanfic is so great! I can't wait for more.
ReplyDelete'She's going somewhere better than this. She's going home'
ReplyDeleteI'm loving this so far.
Its more elegant and well-written than I ever thought a human-equestrian crossover could be.
Another ace, intriguing OC... and this one ain't even a pony!
Really impressive work so far.
Great fan fic! And this is coming from a person who generally doesn't like fan fics. Feels reminiscent of the Dark Tower series, which is definitely a good thing. Keep up the great work.
ReplyDeleteI'm liking this so far.
ReplyDeleteWeeping Angels?
ReplyDelete@Rainbow Derp
ReplyDeleteWhat?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI guess you don't watch Doctor Who?
@Rainbow Derp
ReplyDeleteI do. I'm just not getting why you're referencing them. :)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteFluttershy was transported to the past and placed on Earth. Sounds a little like a Weeping Angel could have done it, eh? (note: I haven't finished the story yet.)
@Rainbow Derp
ReplyDeleteHuh. Didn't realise that until now.
Like I said before, awesome chapter update! I wish you luck in the next chapter!
ReplyDeleteAnd like I said in the live chat, you got sketch, I will color it! Just PM me at (http://ponibooru.413chan.net/user) or E-Mail me at ([email protected])
Glad to help!
quoting arthur C clarke in the 30's? I am dissapoint. very very dissapoint.
ReplyDelete... That made me smile... he played Chrono Trigger in the 20's? xD You just made my day by that being one of the two songs as a link! Thank you... (And a pretty good story so far!)
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm kind of surprised that reactions for this chapter are so overwhelmingly positive, especially after some specific reactions for the first two chapters. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as punch, and I figure after all the work I put into the third chapter that it better be good.
ReplyDeleteThat said though, don't hold your breath for the fourth chapter. Not immediately, anyway. I need to take the time to make it read well, make sense, advance the story, all those things that Chapter 3 seemed to do. I also have it in my head to work on a shorter side project at the moment to tie in with this story.
Something Pony. Something to help me loosen up a bit. I'll be honest, I've never written pure pony before. I want to practice some of their personalities.
Don't hold your breath for Chapter 4, but know that I'll do my very best to make 4 as good as it can be....even if it means writing it a hundred times over.
>Also, people like the music? That's interesting. At least this time the links were easier to find. Since no one found it, I'll let it slip: First chapter, there's another hidden link near the beginning.
>Until next time, see you all! You can sometimes catch me in the IRC chat, EquestrianStudy. I'd love to hear some more frank opinions on this.
So you are going to have a chapter or part of a chapter be what Twilight, Luna, Celestia and the other ponies are doing on the other side? Sounds cool.
ReplyDeleteI was really hoping you would throw a jazz joint in at some point and you came through. (It was actually what I was thinking before noticing the update)
You're a great writer, man. I never re-read fanfics but I have found myself re-reading this one several times.
Despite the comments, i'm not hating this story honestly.
ReplyDeleteThis is.. THE BEST STORY EVER! I want this story to be completed, so I can read it all. NOW!
ReplyDeleteGGAAHHH, I bucking love this!
Ok, I'm going to call it.
ReplyDeleteWhen they get to the gateway, Asaji pauses and reflects on his life. He jumps through at the last second, to live the rest of his life as "Rolling Thunder"
@That Guy In The Corner
ReplyDeleteNope.avi
Side story is coming along. Five pages so far. One page of new chapter down, trying out something new to start it off.
...by the way, I thought I'd mention that I was looking for someone to do a picture for this fic. If anyone is, well, willing to draw something, come find me on the EquestrianStudy IRC channel. I'm just not completely comfortable putting my e-mail out here for all to see.
ReplyDeleteSo, I've read through the first chapter so far.
ReplyDeleteThere's a fair number of criticisms (such as Asaji's silly name or that the only "thirties" thing about this is the calendar), but others, more eloquent than me, have already pointed out these flaws (and promptly got countered with lame excuses such as "because that's the author's vision!"--obviously the author has the right to make his story anything he wants to be, but if he's publishing it, then he should put some effort to make it liked by as many people as possible.)
Anyway, the glaring problem I see is that Asaji (the story could at least point out he's Asian or something; without it, it looks like the Japanese name was just added because Japanese language is "cool") is stunningly naive. A girl he found naked and traumatized tells him a bizarre story that she's a pony from a magical pony land, and he believes her because she seems so confident. Here's a hint: insane people DO, in fact, believe their own stories, and are very confident about them. That doesn't make their stories any more worth believing.
Then he has a dream abouit ponies, and believes her completely. Not once it passes through his mind that it's just a dream he's gotten from hearing to a girl ramble about magic ponies on and on for days.
From Asaji's viewpoint, the fact that he chose to believe the girl is rather silly on his part.
@RedSkeleton
ReplyDeleteAs for the name, it is even mentioned later in the story that it is unusual, and it is still a mystery to everyone (besides Asaji) at this point.
As for him believing so readily, I agree, it is a little strange. But if I remember correctly, he didn't believe it at first, but then he had the dream. Obviously, that wouldn't be enough for his belief to be believable, but Fluttershy and Asaji had the same dream, on the same night, and that is why he believes Fluttershy and completely.
Can't wait for the next chapter/side story/whatever!
In theory, I have the first chapter of the side story done. In practice, events of life are keeping it from going up right now. It still needs editing too, even if I wasn't taking a mandatory week long sabbatical. Which I am.
ReplyDeleteIts a funny thing, reading the comments. I think I should know what this story's problem should be, and it isn't the fact that Asaji has a funny name. If anything, the readers should be having problems with there being a significant lack of pony in this story.
I really don't know how many times I have to point out that I know Asaji's name is weird, and I knew it was weird when I started writing the story. No, he is not Japanese. Yes, the fact that he is not Japanese and that he has a strange name is relevant to the plot. Yes, it'll get expanded on. No, I don't expect the comments to move on and pick on something else instead.
Even so, please, for the sake of my sanity, can we stop bringing up the point that Asaji has a strange name? His character was created with that being a point of interest.
And why has no one ever asked why he doesn't seem to have a last name either? His false name has a last name.
He must have a last name, or possibly even a middle name. Why doesn't he ever use his full name? It could be there's a really good reason behind it.
If there's anything good about the hate going towards Asaji, it's that there's less complaining about the way I wrote for Fluttershy, the only character in this fic that should matter.
Now that I've fruitlessly tried to derail the conversation onto focused speculation rather than complaining about a central plot point...I'm going to keep writing this, the side story, and another project of mine.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteUgh...okay, central may have been too strong a word, but cmon, I was tired and frustrated. I hate the first two chapters, but there isn't much about them I can change without changing everything.
You wanted 1930's? In the first chapter? Well, so do I, but how do you propose I throw it in our faces? Lolol, lets throw in some Gangsters, Fedoras, Tommyguns, Big band music and every single cliche we can think of!
Nope. I wanted the fact that it takes place in the thirties to be just something that was there, in the background, that didn't have to be thrown in our faces until it was relevant.
Dude, jusk keep up the good work. When do you think the next chapter will come out?
ReplyDelete@Lysis
ReplyDeleteOk, so hear is the plan. Fluttershy wakes up outside of a speak easy while 3 gangsters wearing pin-stripe suits and fedoras and chewing on cigars threateningly point their tommy-guns at her, while big band music is being blasted from the open doors of the speak easy.
Sound good so far?
@Lysis I didn´t hate the first two chapters. You worked very well and should keep it up.
ReplyDeleteUhh, let's see....the three of you, in order.
ReplyDeleteAnon 1: The side story is the big thing being worked on right now, the first chapter will go up once it gets edited, I've got a bit more done on the second chapter done, and some other little things happen.
I'm also working on the fourth chapter, but it still won't be up for a little while longer. There will be moar Sal in it. Hopefully the Side Story chapters will be satisfactory for the moment.
Anon 2: Feels Good, Man. Dunno why there would be a Speakeasy in 1935, considering prohibition ended in '33 or '32 (don't remember which right now), but otherwise not too bad.
Anon 3: Thanks. I will. I am.
Look, I'm sorry that it's taking so freaking long to get anything out at all. I've been finalizing a shipping story that's been close to my heart for a while now.
ReplyDeleteConsensus so far is that it's good. I don't know how many of you like shipping, but when I finally get it out the door, give it a read, if you like.
I'm overcoming writers block and the start of the school year too, but that's still no excuse for the severe lack of any updates on this thing. Take my apologies, all of them. I'd promised myself I wouldn't make anyone wait as long as I did between part 2 and 3, but I already have. I'm sorry! I wish I could be more consistent, but I'm just not that good of a writer.
I'll keep trying to write it, I swear. I know that it isn't much of a story, but I'm going to finish it, one way or another. And that's a promise.
I love this kind of story, and you've pulled it of very nicely here, and although it's a shame about the time between updates, I'll be sure to check out that other story you mentioned.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up man, you're a good writer :)
Okay, I know there're some folks out there who think that the thirties were being "shoved in their face" in the third chapter, but I have this to say about that chapter AND its abundance of thirties jargon:
ReplyDeleteSAL MADE IT WORK
Seriously, I loved all the dialogue that Sal spoke in - just enough jargon to bring that decade out from slumber, and more than enough sense to carry the character and interact with other members of the cast.
Furthermore, the 3rd chapter resolved a couple of issues for me:
- I will no longer question the mystery of Asaji's name and simply wait for things to unfold
- I will no longer request that Fluttershy take a more active role in the story (the first two chapters seemed to revolve mostly around Asaji). Well, I'd like to see more proactive Fluttershy of course, but the only other time she's spoken up these past three chapters, and she is violently assaulted by a drunk! Poor Fluttershy! XD;;
I still can't help but get a feeling of Gary Stu-ness from Asaji, but it's decreased with the bit of backstory that came around in ch3. It may be just first impression jitters from the first chapter, and it may be some other factor that I can't put my finger on... I'll tell you though, it DOES bother me that I think SAL is a better rounded character than our man Asaji. =( And that's not even taking the jargon into account.
Keep up the good work, +1 reader, can't wait for the next installment. =3
@Kosine
ReplyDeleteThis is going to be a huge wall of text split up into two posts, cause I've been neglecting this story and for that I'm sorry.
Does it bother me that I get more or less the same feeling from Asaji? Hell yeah, it bothers me. Is Sal more rounded? He's certainly just 'as' rounded. Did Sal save the chapter? Yes. Very yes. Sal was established early. His character is easy to identify with, as the elderly Italian mobster cliche. I made him short and fat, and gave him a big voice and big cigars for character traits that make him stand out just enough to be interesting. Out of all the OC's in this story, Sal is probably the best.
Which brings me, I suppose, to another point that's been bothering me. I can see Asaji's character as a whole, but only after a long while, and many pages.
The problem I had when I started writing this story was that I was trying to write for a character with no character. I guess I didn't want to dump a ton of backstory at the beginning, and that makes sense. We got enough information in the first two chapters to learn that he's a character that lives alone, pours his time and energy into machines, has no/few friends, but at the same time isn't actually a bad person.
So how do you possibly build up such a character? It's not easy. You look at Han Solo from Star Wars. He was established as this charming rogue character, a scoundrel, right from the beginning. But Asaji? Who's this guy? Okay, so he drinks a lot, and spends his nights drafting out engine improvements... finds a girl on the street, treats her wounds...
Who is this guy? Is he happy, is he sad, is he suicidal? What's his motivation? Why did he agree to help Fluttershy when Celestia and Luna start talking to him? He didn't have to agree to anything. In fact, he agreed without having any assured means of getting Fluttershy home. I guess he did it because no one else would have believed her.
It's pretty sad that I had to get three chapters in before I could start talking about Asaji as a character. But what could I do? He's not the kind of person who would just open up and tell everything to a complete stranger.
ReplyDeleteOh wait, he told her his name, something so personal that Sal's the only other man that matters who knows it. I guess that strikes that bit of characterization from the record, or at least scratches the record.
Is Asaji anything more than a device to get Fluttershy back home? He even says that he doesn't matter, that he's just 'the chauffeur'. At the end of the third chapter, we finally see him opening up about a few things. He's afraid of war, he's disturbed that Sal is a thief when he has no need for such sums of money.
What's Fluttershy's role in this? It's not like she has the ability to do much to help the journey directly. She's been stripped of her ability to use The Stare due to her human body, and she doesn't have her wings. All she has is her natural kindness.
If her role isn't to actually do anything useful like drive the motorcycle, she's nothing but baggage for Asaji to transport.
Oh, but that's not true, is it? She's been told by Sal about her travelling companion. She has a vague idea of what happened to make him so stoic and one dimensional. With that knowledge, like it or not, comes responsibility to help.
Asaji might not be able to see it, but he's on the path to self destruction. While he's never complained about what's happened to him, he's still near his lowest point in life. He's poor, he's drinking more than he should be, and he's agreed to do something almost impossible.
Since Fluttershy can't do anything direct to get herself home, the only thing left for her to do is to get Asaji the help that he needs. Maybe she can finally get him to open up some, and become as animated a human character as Sal was from the beginning.
Anyway, I'm sorry about the ungodly length of the wait for anything of substance on this story. I guess I'd be more fired up about it if Asaji was more interesting than he is now. On the one hand, he's a normal guy. On the other hand, he's not interesting.
I actually don't know if I can make him interesting. I do know that I can certainly try.
@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because my only other OC less work is a shipping story. And by the very nature of shipping stories, the characters act a bit OOC.
I stopped promoting this story a long time ago, when I realized I myself wasn't that attached to it any longer. I'll still work on finishing it, sure, but I don't know if it'll ever be seen as anything other than another OC centric story, meant to be forgotten.
I think the biggest problem is the concept. By the very nature of the story, Fluttershy can't do much of anything to help get herself home.
Actually, none of the mane six could do anything any differently. No matter how I look at it, some human would have to take them across the country themselves.
If I had started the story differently, maybe it would be a better story. If I had chosen a character other than Fluttershy to be sent to Earth, maybe the interactions would be more interesting.
...Maybe if I kept writing this story, something would click and it would start turning into a better story.
One thing I can answer though is that he's flat because he was intended to be that way for the first few chapters. He wasn't supposed to have much character at first.
Like I said before, I don't know if I can actually give him character like people want, but I can try.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteI think I also need to clarify that most of the concerns seemed to be about his name. And that's fine. What I didn't expect was just how many concerns were raised about his name.
I still come back to this page periodically to check on any updates in the comments. As a few other posters have pointed out, the story from it's inception has a few flaws and the concept itself is hard to handle. But the idea itself for what the story revolves around is so unique. This is why I even bothered reading it in the first place, and I was not disappointed.
ReplyDeleteFluttershy is probably the hardest character to write for out of all six ponies, and given her unique situation, it's very easy to botch her with OOC or insipid interactions. So far Lysis, you've done pretty well given these inherent obstacles. I do agree that if you had started the story differently, it could of given you a better opportunity for greater character development and execution. I personally, from my earlier comments, never had that big of an issue with the protagonist's name or the nature of his character.
The core of this comment is this simple message: "Don't give up on this story!" I know you've already stated that you won't, but I'm honestly hoping the next update comes soon.
p.s. Great work on your Appledash story, you really have a talent for writing. This is why I don't want this story to sink into oblivion.
@Tricky Step
ReplyDeleteI'm half wondering if I should do a rewrite, and then the other half tells me that I couldn't have avoided many of these problems anyway. I guess its Uniqueness is the only thing getting readers over the really, really odd premise and... well, bad first two chapters. And I do mean Bad. I went into the first chapter and changed one scene that gave me trouble before, but that still didn't really solve much in the long run.
Best thing I can do is ignore the first two chapters and soldier on.
At least the AppleDash is working out well enough. I started writing that because I wanted a change of pace, and I liked it so much I kept writing it.
Now that I've gotten some new information from the new Season, I can include it in the side story. Again, no solid release dates for the side story, but at least it's still getting worked on.
Actually, I think I'll post some notes from the Side Story here, just to prove that it exists.
---
Celestia inserted the tip of her horn into the small indentation, her horn briefly lighting up while she cast the unlocking spell. She stepped back as the door started to glow a bright blue, gears clicking and whirring as the magical locks undid themselves. With a whine, the doors slowly slid open, revealing a gem-encrusted chest sitting on a plinth.
Celestia opened it, reassured to see all six elements in their rightful place. Of course they would be - she was the only pony who could open the vault to access them. Next to her, Luna snickered. Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“May I ask what’s so funny, Luna?”
“Nothing! I was just wondering if you designed the door to open that way. It’s very dramatic.”
Love it, althought the characters seem to me more accepting of the whole situation. Gess what i mean to say is, in the beggining it seemed like things moved on too qwickly for me. But nothertheless I am enjoying it very well.
ReplyDeleteHope you can get a new chapter to us soon.
One day i might write me one of these storys.
I gave making pony videos a try. Its not too hard just takes a long time and poeple don't realy care that much afterwards. A story however sounds like a much more rewarding experiance.
My friend, as probably the biggest fan of this story, one who appears to like it even more than you, I want to ask you,
ReplyDeleteDon't give up on this thing! You got it wrong in the beginning, big deal. I don't think you yourself appreciate just how great of an idea it is! I don't really know what attracts me to it so much, but I wouldn't like it nearly as much if it was set any other time or with any other pony.
I think the problem is that you have bitten off more than you can chew, because I see just how difficult this one is to write...
What I honestly think you should do is stop, and think. Autumn's coming, invite some friends over for a cup of tea and let them help you out with figuring how you can make Asaji more interesting of a character and Fluttershy- a less useless one.
I wouldn't love anything more than to read the newest chapter, but decide for yourself, is this work so bad in your eyes that you wouldn't consider fixing what you messed up? I don't think it would be that hard, really, but I don't think one single head can figure it out without losing interest... There really isn't all that much to fix, and I think the beginning can be altered enough without twisting away from the rest you have already written.
That wall of text up there generally sums up to, I think you should go back and do your best to fix the beginning (I don't think there's much to fix), because you already have a ton of effort invested in this, it's a brilliant concept, and it would just be a shame to not make it the best it can be...
I just realised, you never included Fluttershy's ability to befriend and understand animals... are you maybe planning on doing so in the near chapters? If no, you definetly should!
ReplyDelete@RecoiL
ReplyDeleteOoh, that's true! I hadn't thought of her ability to do that either. Some of the ways it could tie into the story are certainly interesting.
Anyway, as others have said, I still check up on this story to see what is going on, if there are any new comments, or if I somehow missed an update (I wish), etc. This is the only story I do that for, and it isn't merely because the concept is unique. That may have drawn me in the beginning, but that isn't what holds me here. There may have been some inherent flaws in the design that make it difficult to progress from, but even so, what you were able to do with it amazed me. The interactions between characters was just so well executed, not to mention an interesting story.
That being said, go back and change things if you think they will allow you to not only more easily, but better write the story. Just don't give up on it! I hope you have not lost heart.
And, well, about Asaji, I did not have issue with his name or ambiguity, and I will wait patiently for all things to be explained at their due time. I can see how his original lack of characterisation would lead some to find him flat and uninteresting, but I am rather intrigued. I want to know more about him, and thus become even more interested in the story. These things do not happen without a purpose. In fact, it seems more to me that his relative greyness of character in the early chapters stood to highlight Fluttershy and her actions, which was a good thing, because you were able to write for her superbly.
So please don't give up on it! But don't try to force yourself to gruel and grind out anything more if it isn't in your heart to do so. As RecoiL said, take a break, rest on it, look at the issues you have with it and would like to address from other perspectives, and come back when you are ready. Just don't lose faith in yourself or in "The Kindness of Strangers".
I just reread the first three chapters, and to comment on the idea that Fluttershy just seems like a 'passenger' in all this, the only feeling of that I really got was in chapter three, when she was rationalising her hopes for different people by how she perceived their relationships with Asaji, especially with Mike and Sal.
ReplyDeleteFor example:
"All that, and these people knew Asaji. That meant they couldn’t be bad people, right?"
"She wanted to make a good impression - these people knew Asaji, after all - but it was so hard to talk to any of them."
"Well...being a friend of Asaji’s was a good enough reason to introduce herself to him,"
They make her seem childish, as if she is trying to live up to him, for him. Er. . . I mean to say that they make it seem as if she is more dependent on him than she should be. I hope that makes some sense.
Geeze guys, so much moonlighting. Maybe I just need to throw something up here to show that I'm still alive, or something.
ReplyDeleteI haven't given up on this, I've just been really busy working with my other project, My Dream Mare.
>More dependent on him than she should be
This actually highlights the problem that I have with the way the story is coming out; the truth of the matter is that she is dependent on him to get herself home. She has no real 'active' role in the story besides being a passenger. My original idea for the story may still come to pass, but I can't help but wonder if people will like it. Of course, the problem then becomes, if I don't follow my original scheme, how do I change the story to make it work?
Fluttershy is not an action girl. She's said herself that 'I AM weak and helpless, and I appreciate their understanding'. What in the world with you do with a character who's afraid of her own shadow? Worse yet, the time restraint. None of the Mane 6 could get across America in four days without help. With no time restraint, there's no pressure, but with the time restraint, it forces the plot to act out a certain way. I know I'm not making much sense.
Once I get more of Dream Mare done, I'll take a second look at this fourth chapter and the side story. For now, have some more excerpts from the Side Story to prove it exists and I haven't just been Shipping over the Seven Seas all during September.
---
“This doesn’t make much sense,” she muttered to herself while undoing the saddlebag flap and removing the map again. She double checked it to make sure she was correct; she was. “This doesn’t make any sense! What’s something like this doing in the cave without being marked on the map? There’s no way anypony could have missed it if they’d looked. And they have! Somepony had to draw this map, after all!”
“Igdungth thingdey misheedid.” Pinkie was suddenly at Twilight and Fluttershy’s sides, lantern still in her mouth.
“Excuse me?” Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion while she waited for Pinkie to set the lantern down on the cave floor.
“I don’t think they missed it, Twilight.” Pinkie explained, her voice uncharacteristically businesslike. “It just wasn’t there when they made the map. See, lookie here,” she said, pointing at the fissure. “Look at the color of the rocks in the crack and compare it to the walls in the big cave; the color is lighter inside. The texture inside is all different too; it’s pretty rough. It hasn’t had a chance to erode. This crack had to have opened only a few weeks ago, tops.”
At the strange looks that Fluttershy - and especially Twilight - were giving her, Pinkie shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Oh cmon, Twilight. I was born on a rock farm. Duh! I know my rocks like I know the back of my hoovsies!”
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteI should point out that I'm curious to hear some of these ideas I keep hearing in the comments. "Fluttershy using her ability to communicate with animals to further the plot"? And just how would that work?
I'll repeat myself. I stay in the EquestrianStudy IRC channel. You can access it by clicking the Ponychats button up top, and then joining the #EquestrianStudy channel. I post there under 'Lysis'. Come and talk to me there directly if you want.
First of all, thanks Sotha for repeating clearly what my brain was too tired to type properly in the first place.
ReplyDeleteNow, it could be just me ,but one of the reasons I like Fluttersy is exactly because she is so dependent, on Asaji in this case. I think she's supposed to be like this in order to fit her personality. But leaing her off like that really doesn't help in making her interesting!
I think you can introduce some serious trouble, making her feel absolutely helpless, then introduce some animals in a cute dramatic scene, and let them help her out. I actually have some pretty good(by my opinion)ideas you may, or may not, like, but I'll look for you in the chat so I don't post possible spoilers here.
Also what you seem to have forgotten is the element she represetns! Maybe you can make her show her spirit of kindness to somebody in need, and gain an unexpected favor that may help their journey... I've got a few ideas here as well...
At any rate, I have to say I've had too much shipping already, everybody's doing that.
Few people are doing good adventure fanfics,Very few are humanising ponies, even less are doing it within a decent storyline, nobody is bold enough to go with Fluttersy only, and nobody else is awesome enough to let her ride a motorcycle, even less in such an unusual time. I still say it's my favorite fanfic!
Well uuh, don't give up on this, and I'll see you in the chat... hopefuly...
If it helps at all, it's that her kindness is actually part of the plot. It's just a pity that it hasn't shown up yet.
ReplyDeletethis is like amazingly good
ReplyDeleteReports that I've abandoned this story are greatly exaggerated.
ReplyDelete...Though perhaps, I should take quite a bit of the blame for updating my other fic instead of this one. Let me say it here; after I'm confident that this other fic of mine is coming along well, and that there's no danger of... well, losing the story, then I'll come back to this. You'll probably see the Side Story updated first. I mostly know how chapter 4 will turn out. Shorter chapter then 3, probably more action then you were expecting. But hey, it's an adventure fic.
Just have faith, and go read some other fics in the meantime. I'll always be here.
Are you talking about a side story to this fan fiction or a story called "Side Story"? Either way Lysis, I'm anticipating more of your work.
ReplyDelete@Tricky Step
ReplyDeleteA side story to this own fic. Not a story 2, necessarily, but at least something to accompany the main story.
Why is it not going into the main story? Because the side story all takes place on Equestria, not Earth. That might not be the best reason to split them up, but that's the justification I'm giving here.
I just ran into this yesterday. I really do hope that you finish it because what you've written has been amazing.
ReplyDeleteUnlike most other fan fiction authors you've actually put time and careful consideration into every word. This is quality on the same vein as, if not better than, Pen Stroke's 'Past Sins'.
The OC is awesome because he's not some Gary Stu or some avatar for yourself. He's genuinely a new character with problems and such.
Please do finish this and don't forget it. It's one of my favorite fan fictions ever.
WHY IS THIS NOT DONE YET!?
ReplyDeleteI waited months, forgot about it, came back, and it STILL isn't done.
I'm going to go cry now.
What's with the people losing faith all the time? Didn't I say many times before that I'm going to come back to working on this once I get some more stuff done on my other story?
ReplyDelete...But yeah, I guess I'm just a slow writer all around. Heck, I've been working on that other story since forever as well, with not much luck.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Lysis, the slowest writer in the world.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. Take all the time you need. Have faith in us, and continue working in whatever way is best for you. (Mild generalisation incoming.) We'll still be here.
I read this story a while ago and refrained from commenting on it (even I don't know why).
ReplyDeleteI felt that the story seemed to flow very well, and the characterizations were very realistic. I think the base concept of the story, a pony going to earth, is fairly original, but while other's stories only last a few days for twilight or whomever to restart the portal for the pony trapped, this one creates an actual deadline with an almost-insurmountable obstacle.
I just can't wait for the part at the end where the portal opening causes another earthquake, making the cave start to collapse, and, when the portal just begins to close, Asaji and Fluttershy drive right through as the portal deactivates behind them. :D
In all seriousness, I cannot wait for the next installment of this amazing serial.
What up Lysis, just popping in to say that I too have not forgot about this story. I patiently wait for your return, and wish ya happy holidays.
ReplyDeleteThank ya kindly, gents.
ReplyDeleteHmm... since progress on my other story has stalled as well, that must mean its time to resume work on the side story, at least for a little while. Who knows, I might actually have something to submit by Christmas after all...
Ah haha, don't take my word on that though. I'm still the slowest writer in the world, aren't I?
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteim slower, anyway i am looking forward to the advancement of this story. you are one of the better writers out there.
I'd just like to say this fanfic is a GEM!
ReplyDeleteUpdate this story! It's too good! If what's going to happen is what I think is going to happen, I can already guess what Asaji's cutie mark would be.
ReplyDeleteGo, Lysis, go! Write, please! D:
ReplyDeleteOne of the truly great unfinished fanfics... I really hope you feel inclined (or have the time!) to continue the story at some point. Many thanks for what you have done so far, anyhoo, its a special story!
ReplyDeleteI think this FanFic is amazing. It was, I think, one of the first ones I actually read when I first joined the Herd. While I will agree with some of the posts way up at the top of this thread that it may not be entirely historically accurate, I think that the time era works excellently with the plot. Anyways, the setting hardly matters at all when a great story is being told, and that is exactly what you're doing. I do hope you'll release chapter 4 soon, or perhaps the side story (which I'm assuming is a sort of prequel, right?)... Anyways, keep up the good work, and please upload (or at least give us an ETA) more stories soon!
ReplyDeleteJust a little note to let you all know that I haven't vanished off the face of the earth yet.
ReplyDeleteI can understand if none of you have kept waiting all this long, and I apologize. But I will finish this story someday, I promise.
@Lysis
ReplyDeleteI won't mind waiting for near forever
@Lysis I shall await that day with patience. This is too good to give up on.
ReplyDeleteI've bee waiting for so long, but I'll never give up, Lysis.
ReplyDelete@Lysis
ReplyDeletetake as much time as you need, i will keep waiting.
Every month I check this story in hopes that you have updated it. :(
ReplyDelete@Ink Plot
ReplyDeleteI know the feels.
@3p1c_d3m0n
ReplyDeleteOh, and on Lysis's fimfiction page, they said that they will eventually finish The Kindness of Strangers.
link to fimfic page:
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Lysis