[Adventure][Dark] Sounds like an adventure story to me! I like all these Normal fics.
Author: Sali
Description: After a fine vacation in nearby Withersdale, Twilight and her friends decide to head back to Ponyville, and Twilight thinks she knows how to get them back without having to endure a day-long walk. A theory on the workings of magic in one of Twilight's books seems to hold the answer, but when she tries, things don't work out quite right...It's Like a Cake... Scene (New Part 8!)
Additional tags: It starts out nice enough... suspence, Macabre,
63 comments:
Im not rating this yet.
ReplyDeleteOh wow! XD Ya posted the first version, Seth!
ReplyDeleteI thought this one got rejected!
There... fixed. Sorry about the chaos, guys! XD
ReplyDeleteHmm. i think i see where this is going
ReplyDeleteI wana see more o3o
Too short for one go! Loved the sense of detail and time.
ReplyDeleteI swear to god
ReplyDeleteIf I see one more story that starts with "Twilight tried to teleport everyone really far and this ends up crossing dimensions/realities" I'm going to scream.
And now I blame Cereal, because it was his fault! Not Seth's! Sorry Seth! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna side with Nines Tempest on this one.
ReplyDeleteI lost interest in this story on the first page. The reason was that it broke the rule of "Show, don't tell." When telling a story, you want to make the reader feel as if they're inside of it, seeing everything themselves. Instead, I felt as if someone was telling me -about- a story they wrote instead of describing events directly.
ReplyDeleteTwilight, have you considered that maybe there's a reason why this technique isn't in common usage?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, as was mentioned, the "Twilight teleportation accident" plot starter has been used many, many times before, but I don't think that means that it can't be used well. That said, there's not yet enough of this story here for me to pass judgement, but I'll be watching this.
Let me guess, they end up in a parallel universe where certain things are different.
ReplyDeleteHow did I guess, because I had the same friggen idea!
So, when is this going to actually kick off. I'm waiting...
"Twilight WAS content to just ENJOYING the weather and SAMPLE a nice daisy sandwich"
ReplyDelete"The sun WAS setting [...]. It IS a beautiful place for a retreat"
Pick a tense and stick with it, man.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed no one caught that. O_o I had people read over it a few times. *fixing*
I Wonder if they'll ever make Twilight turn Evil in an episode or arching story...
ReplyDelete@Sali
ReplyDeleteAlso, you don't talk about locations in past tense unless they no longer exist, so that's why the whole thing with past tense in the first sentence and then talking about the city in present tense.
The sandwich sentence was a typo.
Sorry I'm cluttering the comments so much! I'm really nervous about this! XD So much fun though.
Also, I know that the teleportation thing is a rather cliche premise, but for what I want to do it seemed like the most likely option. That and I have a scientific(magical) explanation for it, so there you go.
Calm down bro, you're talking to yourself.
ReplyDeleteno it's a lie
ReplyDeletePersonally, one thing I notice is that in too many stories they always try to write Spike off by writing something like "Spike's off in Canterlot on a business" or some variation of that.
ReplyDeleteI challenge anyone writing these things to somehow incorporate him in, even if he doesn't do anything.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou know, someone else pointed that out to me!
To be perfectly honest, I don't know what I would do with Spike. But I do have plans to make him very important in the second half of the story, so I'm not going to leave the little purple dragon out completely.
I do thank everyone for the feedback so far. Also, sorry about the wall of text for the first page of Ch.0. I'm probably going to take that out/break that up in the future when I update with Ch.2. So keep on the lookout for that.
Hmmm...Interesting, though the teleport thing has been used to cliche'itude, I've yet to see it used in a MLP fanfic.
ReplyDeletePart of me wants to ask if this will be a crossover story or if Twilight just overshoots Ponyville and dumps them on te next continent over. I think I'll be patient and wait till you've released chapter 2.
Was I the only one that, at a glance, read 'The Cake is a Lie' as the title?
ReplyDeleteIts a good read, I enjoyed it. I honestly never get tired of this kind of stories, cause even though they have same objectivie. Getting lost, another unverise, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt's always a different twist cause it's not the same AUTHOR! Which still makes it an interesting read. So I can't wait for Chapter 2!
However, I will hold my vote.
DAT PIC
ReplyDeleteA few minor things here and there, and despite what others say, even though the whole Twighlight messing up a spell is getting worn a bit thin it still can herald the beginning of a good tale(tail?) IMHO. Anyway its better than anything I could write, looking forward to new chapters, hope the neighsayers don't put you off :)
I think I see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think it's an 'alternate dimention' situation.
Twi said teleporting further distances takes longer.
I don´t expect it to be an alternate dimension story either. The way it has been explained how the teleportation works lets me think, that they teleport just too far away. Or on the right distance, but the wrong direction.
ReplyDeleteAlthough a backfire in Twilight's magic may be used to begin a lot of stories, that's because it *is* a convincing and effective way of introducing a magical mishap. The development of the story, the setting, and the reactions/interactions of the characters is where a tale differentiates itself and really stands by its own merit.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I've enjoyed reading this, and look forward to reading more.
This story has a lot of potential, and, with the vast improvments between the first two chapters, I feel it will be as good, if not far greater than my own. I enjoy giving well deserved 5 stars.
ReplyDeleteWhy is a cliché a cliché? Because it's a cliché, of course! The main factor is that if it's done correctly. 'Your mom' jokes still work plenty, and they still fail horribly... depending on the situation. The circumstances under which it is said, and who is around when it is said.
ReplyDeleteMuch the same can be applied here: How it is written, how it is explained upon, and the plot created from its use.
A certain fic under the same starting premise proved very well of itself. Many have, many have not. This story DOES in fact fall in the former catagory. By what length is up to others' opinions; as for myself, I simply enjoyed it. Looking forward to more.
Time Dilation Effect or Alternate Reality? I'm only going to guess it works both ways. Frequency however denotes alterantive realities whereas the extra time spent teleporting defines traveling through time.
ReplyDelete*Woooosh*... Sliders...
ReplyDeleteOK, seriously though, I know it's generally reckoned that what's going on in this story is NOT, in fact, an Alternate Reality thing, but I just couldn't resist. XD
Hopefully this'll be explained, because having all the mane cast's buildings still standing in the same condition they were before doesn't make any sense. At first I thought maybe they were in frozen time, but Applejack's comment say no. Why would the barn be unlocked and noone there?
ReplyDeleteIf they went forward in time (and it can't be backward based on what's said) then there either should be someone ELSE in the library/Sugarcube/Barn or those places should show signs of rot. Plus, AJ's comments seems to imply the town ponies saw her and ignored her, as opposed to not seeing her at all.
Still, I like the story a lot so far, but I do hope there's a logical explanation for thing.
(Also, minor note, in Chapter 4 there's a repeated 'the library' in there)
I think a 'teleportation gone wrong' type story could work great in a MLP story. And Twilight doing a spell before she understands it fully works well with her character. I look forward to seeing where this goes.
ReplyDeleteI am loving this! Superbly well-written and exciting! I cannot wait for the next part!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing is less complicated than it seems. Hopefully it won't come off too cheesy when you guys figure it out. n.n;
@Melodia
Like I said, it'll make sense after you start to get a sense of what's going on.
I'll address the ponies in the next scene and ad a little more atmosphere.
(Also, I CAN'T find that error! Help! XD)
@Shadow Dragon &
@LordDavius
Thanks! I hope not to disappoint. :3
There's a sentence that says "She had been organizing these by alphabet and was writing them down in the catalogue so that she knew just what she had in stock at the library the library."
ReplyDelete@Melodia
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. n.n
It's not a cliche. It's a trope!
ReplyDeleteActually, referring to a place in past tense is acceptable if the story itself is past tense. In fact, from what I can tell, that's the way it's supposed to be written. You're describing the way the place USED to be, regardless of whether it remains that way to present day or not.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can't read this. That tense switching is annoying me. I'm sorry. I can't get past it. If someone says that the present tense of places is correct ... I still can't read it. It's screaming at me from the page and drawing me out of the story.
Yes, I'm weird.
No, anon, you are not weird. Whoever said to refer to places in present tense is WRONG. Have you EVER seen a professional novel do that? Is it written into ANY style guide? No. No.
ReplyDeleteIf your story is past tense, the only place for any present tense is in dialogue.
On the actual content? Lose the prologue. I got so bored I skipped 90% of it and had no problem picking up the thread in ch1. Whatever is necessary should be there at the start of ch1; what is not should be cut. The fact that you went a page and a half with just scene-setting, no dialogue, no action, should be a huge warning sign.
@Escher
ReplyDeleteIt seems strange to me how small ponies' attention spans can be sometimes.
If you got bored within a page of exposition, you must not read very many actual novels.
Perhaps the scene setting was a bit unnecessary. I can see that, seeing as the city itself is largely unimportant to the story, but it was my first attempt and there weren't any red flags beforehand.
But still, it's a story, not a script.
Also, a huge warning sign of what? Explain yourself.
@Escher
ReplyDeleteSorry if I sound like an arse, I just got home from school and two hours on mass transit.
So I might sound a little punchy.
I understand there's an issue with Scene 1, and that some ponies don't particularly like it, but I'm completely at a loss of what to do.
Do I completely cut the conversation with Rarity and Twilight? Just the page before that when the scene is being set up?
The part of me that liked the novels of old, especially ones from the Verne era, is used to the long exposition. We don't need to introduce the characters or anything because we all know them, but there needs to be SOME sort of introduction.
If you throw somepony right into it, somepony's going to complain about THAT too.
I'm sorry about the lack of instant gratification. I feel that there needs to be a certain amount of form involved.
If you try to be descriptive, you're too flowery. If you try and be terse, you're too bland.
It's frustrating. Especially those that say "I lost interest in this story on the first page." And then don't leave a name or any calling card.
At least you had enough backbone to put a name up and took the time to move beyond the first page and keep reading. I appreciate that.
christ, seth do you ever sleep?
ReplyDeleteAs above commenters have said, Twilight messing up a teleport is quite a common story opener (and well, a common trope in general), but I like the way you've handled it here. I'm not sure what's happened to them, as it doesn't seem to be alternate universe and isn't a crossover, but more along the lines of "they were dead all along", although I can take an educated guess that that's not the twist.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love Pinkie Pie's detective get-up. She's remarkably difficult to write for, but you handled her nicely.
I thought this was going to turn into a portal/MLP crossover at any second, this was the perfect opertunity to make one and the title would of somewhat fit.
ReplyDeleteoh well
A certain thing mentioned in this new part seems to solve the mystery for me. But I won't spoil that deduction for others.
ReplyDeleteLet's see if my WMGing skills are right...
As for the beginning of the story, I for one had no problem with it. I can kinda understand how on the one hand it seems extraneous to the plot, but I think when you consider what's going to happen, having a short intro with them going about their lives, as it were, helps contrast with the 'adventure' of the main story, if that makes any sense.
Or just look at it like Simpsons episodes often are (which granted, people complain about), in that there's stuff that happens which leads into the main story, rather than just shoving right there in the beginning.
Just read Chapter 6 and all I have to say is.. Crumbs! the plot thickens! I was seriously not expecting any of that to happen and you've officially got me hyper-curious as to just what the Hell is happening to our ponies! I for one hope that what's happening to them is actually happening and that they aren't just lying in a field somewhere tripping (probably magically-induced) balls, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI love the way this story has progressed so far, from an idyllic introduction into an unsettling mystery.
ReplyDeleteAlso, cliffhanger ffffff-
ReplyDelete@Triarii
ReplyDeleteThat would be absolutely hilarious, Spike searching a field outside of town after a few days to find them all on their backs, peddling their hooves in the air...
XD Unfortunately, that's not the case, but I like the image.
Chapter 6 reminded me of a story where there was this world called 'yesterday'.
ReplyDeleteYesterday ceases to exist after 24 hours upon arrival, but the time is extended by the strength of the being or group that is trapped there.
To keep the world from collapsing, you had to continually give energy to the world as much as you can to extend time and the chances of escaping, farming somehow actually worked as did the weather.
'Yesterday' slowly dissolves starting with the far side of the world from where you or a group arrived.
Imagine a world thats a complete replica down to the plants, buildings any recently made food. But there is no life except what arrives in 'Yesterday'.
That and I've read another story almost exactly the same concept except it didn't have a set time limit and finding a way to escape is more likely.
Just thought I'd throw it out there what this story reminded me of. Both of them were survivalists stories and they ended rather well despite the constant threat of insanity and having only those you came with to turn too for company.
Being erased from existence isn't fun.
My view on this story- interesting concept you got working there.
@D. Shadows
ReplyDeleteVery interesting...
Kind of reminds me of The Langoliers...
@Sali
ReplyDeleteThat was my thought too. Just as soon as Fluttershy saw something.
Ok so this probably ISN'T like Inception then...
ReplyDeleteThe blackness thingie kinda reminded me of The Neverending Story, but I doubt it's like that either.
@Melodia
ReplyDeleteYou know. I've never actually seen Inception. I hear it's good...
This keeps getting more interresting bit by teasing bit.
ReplyDeleteO.O I'm surprised. Nopony mentioned the very thing that this fanfic reminds me SO heavily of. I don't think I'll say exactly what that is just yet, but definitely feel that this is worth stating:
ReplyDeleteThis might not be another dimension, per se, but perhaps a dimension... like a cake...
...can have layers.
Yyyyeeeaaahhh, wait 'till this goes off in a COMPLETELY different direction than I somewhat anticipate. Still, I enjoy sounding cryptic.
@Cyberfox
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahahahaha.......
...heheheheheheheh...
@Sali
ReplyDelete... Well. I must have said something interesting. The question is, do I interpret this as
"Ooh, looks like somepony has finally got it... >:D"
or
"Haha... oh, how wrong you are... >:D"
or
something in between?
Don't tell me. I want to find out for myself. ^^
Just finished chapter six and my only question is this: What the hey just happened!?
ReplyDelete...I don't like this story any more.
ReplyDelete@Melodia
ReplyDeleteI'm terribly sorry.
I hope that the next chapter has something in the way of an explanation about what is going on, because I am losing interest in the story.
ReplyDeleteWell, so far its true to its title if nothing else.
ReplyDelete