[Grimdark][Adventure][Sad][ROLLERCOASTER] I was saddened, terrified, and fascinated all in the same chapter. More, please! -Pre-reader #15
Author: Wanderer D
Description: Luna feels something weird when walking through Canterlot and finally, with Celestia's help, manages to discover what it is. But what does it mean?
Silent Jade (Side Story) (New Part 6!)
The Empty Room (All Links)
Additional Tags: Mystery, Family, Friendship, Learning, Hope
Fan Art
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755 comments:
poni
ReplyDeleteGood story so far, very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThat's quite the tag set.
ReplyDeleteall i gotta say is that picture
ReplyDeletedanm
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteSpam, spam, wonderful spam!
Also, the first time I saw this title, my thoughts immediately turned to The Room. Now, of course, we need some Tommy Wiseauny.
Grimdark...adventure...comedy...
ReplyDeleteLooks like this is quite the story.
Interesting start, and am curious as to where this story goes.
ReplyDeleteYOUR TEARING ME APART LUNA!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous Try Furaffinity.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the story, a wonderful beginning with some very nice touches. Mystery, drama, and comedy. I'm definitely looking forward to the next installments.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete...dude. We're popular enough to start getting poorly translated spam comments.
That's...kind of scary, actually.
A GrimDark Adventure Comedy? What the hell?
ReplyDeleteOf course you realise, this, needs moar.
ReplyDelete[/bugsbunny]
Nothing makes apony fic awesome like trixie getting eaten
ReplyDeleteThe Great and Powerful Trixie will not be eaten alive!!! [SpikeScream]NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!![/SpikeScream]
ReplyDeleteI cannot begin to express, in any sort of writing, how much I would like this to continue. Also, Best. Tags. Ever.
ReplyDeleteAwesome first chapter! Please sir, may I have some more?
ReplyDeleteInteresting... but please don't let Trixie be Celestia's long-lost daughter.
ReplyDeleteI as well am greatly interested in this. This has a lot of potential and I eagerly await watching the story develop.
ReplyDeleteI normally avoid Grimdark tags, but since this also had a comedy tag I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing first chapter. Curious to see where you are going with this. Scared though, like I said, I don't usually read Grimdark stories... Hope I am not going to regret this one.
Though I don't like stories that have more than one thing going on at once, I must say that this is one of the few stories that caught my attention. Just don't make it too predictable.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, I'd played with a (vaguely) similar idea. It was depressing.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, maybe it's just because it's the first chapter, but Trixie ending up as a snack without so much as a struggle sounds... well, meaningless. Sort of like "Hi, I'm the guardian. I'm evil. And to prove that I'm evil I'll eat Trixie, just because. Oh, and she won't fight me, even if she could try, because vore makes for such splendid drama."
ReplyDeleteBleh.
I don't like the blue bombastic blowhard all that much (although, fanfiction after fanfiction, she's growing on me), but using her as a sacrificial prop? The author could just as well have used an OC, IMHO. But hey, maybe things will get better in future chapters.
Its gotten to the point where the inclusion of trixie (especially if twilight is in the same story) is enough to make me stop reading a fic.
ReplyDeleteImagine my surprise when...
Hello everypony, author here.
ReplyDeleteYes... that picture...
@Stephen Cawking well if you do read further I hope You'll enjoy it more! But thanks for giving it a try!
@Anonymous There's a reason Trixie was eaten... she looked yummy. j/k I actually have a purpose in that, which hopefully will become more clear in the following chapters...
@Velvet Yeah I do get slightly depressed when I work on the Empty Room scenes in particular, but it's part of the story you know?
@Anonymous I will do my best to make it as unpredictable as storytelling allows without pulling a 'Lost' on it.
@Baree Well, thank you for reading it then! I will be the first to admit that I also tend to avoid certain stories based on tags, although I have found some I would have otherwise avoided to be amazing gems! (Not that mine is, mind you) The comedy/Grimdark is a bit hard to balance, but I'll do my best to make it enjoyable!
@Anonymous Thanks! I hope I write up to that potential!
@Fengor Yes.
@TenchiFreak5 Exactly
And finally thank you everypony for your kind words and honest opinions! If you're staying, I hope you like the following chapters!
A story where it's insinuated that Celestia has children.
ReplyDeleteYou've certainly hooked me.
I definitely like this beginning, I anticipate future chapters.
ReplyDeleteI see where this is going and I'm enjoying it. Keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteHee, now if only I could remember the author of "Mort Takes a Holiday"... If it isn't you, then I absolutely LOVE the reference.
ReplyDeleteIf it is you, I still love it.
Silly Mort, forgetting to cut the thread...
Hoofmares/Handmaidens - Nice touch there.
"They make her sound like a noble!" - Alarm bells. I think I could possibly name one of 'her' ancestors...
I think the line should have been, "Glitter is just as her name suggests: pretty... useless." =P
20 years... I have a fair idea...
I dunno why I did that stream of consciousness. Nice to see this update so quickly! Hope it continues. :)
@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteThanks for the insight! I'll take a look at those Twilight dialogues and try and figure how to avoid that in the future!
@Crimson Valor
The author of "Mort Takes a Holiday" is Anonymous~Materials, and he was very kind to let me use his character for this chapter :) I love his story.
Twilight has a few things to say about the noble thing, but that will come up eventually!
Thanks for reading and leaving comments!
Oh boy. This is quite exciting.
ReplyDeleteI get the feeling that Trixie is Celestia's daughter becuase after all, why else would she be there?
This story is very promising and I would love to see what you come up with. Thanks for writing such a great story =)
Moar please! :D
ReplyDeleteAlso, please.. for the love of all things holy.. don't make Trixie Celestia's daughter.
ReplyDeleteThis so far looks like it would be an interesting story. An interesting combination of tags at least. Implying that Celestia had a child at some point, I have not seen anything like that before. I will check back to see how it developes.
ReplyDeleteA slight nit-pick. Luna should asked if Celestia had a foal not a filly as the gender of the child should not have been clear. Unless there was something in the room that positively indicated a filly and not a colt. Did I miss it or Did you forget to explicitly state it?
This is a good chapter, is also fixed my biggest gripe with the first one by bringing Trixie back into the story. I thought you had just popped her in as an excuse for setting the Guardian loose and then killed her off, but it turns out their was more than that.
ReplyDeleteI also liked how Twilight spotted the date on the book, it shows how smart she really is.
I'm guessing the missing filly is either Twilight or Trixie. They seem the most likely candidates. Personally I'm leaning towards Twilight since the comment that she sounded like the Princesses when she talked and how Celestia was more like her mother then her real mother kinda tipped the hat their.
It is times like this that i wish i did not read as fast as I do. From finding this story to finishing what was written, at most 12 minutes passed. In that time, I frell in love with the story. I do wish i could have read it slower. Much, Much slower. That way, i would have enjoyed it all the more and for longer. This will be a brilliant story. I only hope that you post the next chapter before my brain rebells at the wait.
ReplyDeleteTwins?
ReplyDeleteMort for the win!!!!
ReplyDeleteThere continues to be not enough of this story. I suggest that you fix the problem as soon as possible.
ReplyDeleteIf I may engage in a bit of speculation; Whatever that illusion and/or memory magic is, it must have been powerful enough to trump Celestia herself which implies a great deal of power indeed. Following that logic, whoever performed that magic must have been exceptionally powerful themselves. The three most magical ponies are, in roughly ascending order, Twilight, Luna, and Celestia herself. The time frame of twenty years ago fairly neatly rules out the first two, since Luna would still have been trapped on the moon and it would have been aell before Twilight got her cutie mark and tapped into her magic. That seems to leave Celestia as the primary suspect...
Come to think of it, just how old is Twilight Sparkle anyway?
I just reread this,to tide myself over. Somethings i failed to mention earlier: One: the reference to Mort was awesome. Two: when i started this, i was afraid it was going to be another sad attempt at a horror story with ponies (the two subjects don't go too well together, do they?) I'd read a horror story a while ago, with a similar title and a similar sealed room that no-one remembered, but was noticed this story, unlike the other one. Rocks hard. keep going and, like the Anon. just above me says, keep writing -Lordlyhour again
ReplyDelete"Grimdark" "Adventure"
ReplyDelete"Comedy"
This ain't gonna be good...
Might as well read it anyways
When I saw the tags "Gimdark Comedy", I expected Black Comedy. Nevertheless, Trixie being eaten alive and then failing to notice this fact as a ghost threw me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteNever before has the term "bloody hilarious" had such a literal meaning for me. Well done.
>Celestia finds out she has a long-forgotten daughter
ReplyDelete>Trixie dies at the exact same time this happens
>Trixie's ghost begins taking up poltergeist activities
Do I smell a tweest up ahead?
Dammit, man, I NEED to see how this one ends! Write more!!!
a good song that goes with - http://www.youtuberepeat.com/watch/?v=RFnmH9a2RkE&feature=related at least to the point of first part where the focus is set on the sisters.
ReplyDeleteWell... Trixie 'death' in Part 1 was... politely said, a bit pathetic. Very not 'epic', if you want some *politically correct*...
ReplyDelete@Nova25 Eh, it was never meant to be epic. Sorry.
ReplyDelete@undead431 Thanks! I'll listen to it right away!
@Anonymous - Glad you're liking it!
@Eclipse I'll be honest, I'm not Trixie's biggest fan, but I don't believe in using a character like herself for mere pointless scenes... she's growing on me though.
@Lordlyhour - working on it, third chapter should be sent tonight. Got a bit sidetracked by RL.
@Anonymous - I cannot either confirm nor deny your speculations, I can only *smile mysteriously* as for Twilight's age, I'm placing her at about 18nish or so.
@SomeGuy Glad you're liking it! I'll have to check that scene again, I thought I had given enough clues but it is clear now I didn't, thanks for pointing it out!
Thanks again for all the comments! I'm going back to the story now!
@Naxts No, thank *you* for reading and leaving a comment!
ReplyDelete@Bunnylisk - on it's way!
(Sorry, I thought I had included these answers in the previous post.)
[WARNING! CONTAINS UNREVEALED SPOILER!]Oh dear GOD!!! What will happen when Celestia finds out the Gourdian has eaten her little girl?
ReplyDeleteditzy doo is celestias daughter! just think about it
ReplyDeleteWell, that just went weird 6.9
ReplyDeleteBUT HOW ARE YOU WRITING THIS WHEN YOU'VE IMPLODED TWICE!?
ReplyDeleteWE'RE DEALING WITH A GHOST WRITER GUYS!
PANIC AND RUN IN CIRCLES!
(On an unrelated note, mysterious writer from beyond the grave, I'm enjoying this fic greatly)
I think I have an idea of who it may be. She performs feats that other ponies, even powerful ones, can only aspire to. If anyone is the daughter of a living Goddess, she's it. All shall bow before Princess Pinkie Pie!
ReplyDelete"self insertion was a low he was not going to hit" ROFL. That's an interesting rephrasing!
ReplyDeleteThis is getting interesting...(and it was already interesting from the start!) Excellent work, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy random jokes and references just as much as the next brony over, but I also like to keep a barrier between them and the plot. For example, the self-insert crack and the LotR reference made me lol, Mort might as well become established in the fanon because he's that cool, but having some ponyfication from Sixth Sense allow Trixie to get on with her plan kind of kills the immersion.
ReplyDeleteBut the fact that Trixie is a ghost makes up for that. It's like Spirit Tracks all over again! :D
another epic chapter..thanks for giving us this Wanderer D
ReplyDeleteThis story is getting really good. It was god before but it is getting better. The comedy is starting to come through in these last to chapters. I like random comedy. You should probably add a [SAD] tag as the scenes with Celestia, Luna, and Twilight thinking about the lost filly are really sad. This story is such a emotional roller coster. There is so much going on all at once.
ReplyDeleteSo what are you going to do with Spike now that he has awoken and [Spoilers] believe that his time in Ponyville was all a dream? [/Spoilers]
Hmmm, there are three possibilities here as to who could have done it:
ReplyDelete1) Nightmare Moon's followers.
2) Someone from another race.
3) Celestia herself.
I wonder which.
Anyway, great job!
whelp, there goes any chance of there being a fourth wall in this story
ReplyDeleteThis is insane. Absolutely, delightfully insane.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting story. can hardly wait for future chapters to come out ^_^ as far as the story go's i to don't really like story's broken up into a lot of different little side story lines as it tends to give you only a taste of what you really want instead of giving you a meal (sort of like what i imagine Trixie was for the guardian :P)
ReplyDeletebut i have a feeling these will join together later one with spike and the rest of the crew and passably twilight herself joining into one plot line while Trixie, The "Lunatics" and the guardian (unless his plot line is dropped for now) will merge into another plot line reducing it from 6 fragmented story's to 2 parallel story's but that's just my view on it. it doesn't remove anything from the story, i just think it's in danger of spreading itself a little to thin.
as for the missing daughter.. i really hope it's not Trixie. i really, really do. that would just be way to contrived. i have a feeling ether the guardian is protecting/holding her OR (because of the hooded cloaks covering almost all of there features) shes a member of the "lunatics". passably even the speaker.
glad I read the story before checking out the comments. SPOILER ALERTS EVERYWHERE! lol
ReplyDeleteAnd here's another, in a sense.
Why do I have the feeling Trixie or Twilight is the missing daughter?
2 bits says that this story gets a mild shipping tag at some point and that twilight is Celestia's daughter
ReplyDeletealso lol at the sixth sense reference XD
>self-insertion 4th-wall joke
ReplyDeleteAUGH! META HUMOR! GETITOFFMEGETITOFFME!!!
*runs away somehow screaming and laughing at the same time*
>"... ghosts are ethereal. That means they... cannot really touch objects normal objects, however, according to Magister Crowley, magical objects can be moved and touched by spirits... that is how fetishes are created."
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3rhQc666Sg&feature=feedlik
Hi everypony! The next chapter has been mailed to Seth, so hopefully it'll turn up soon! Just a warning: it's a WHAM! Episode. Please let me know what you think!
ReplyDeleteWell... s***.
ReplyDeleteWhat a TWEEST.
@Wanderer D
ReplyDelete...
Yup, that's a WHAM! Episode alright. I am eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
WHAT A TWEEST D':
ReplyDeleteYou know, when Rainbow Dash appeared I literally thought that this just needed an explosion to be even more awesome, then you go and add an explosion. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteGotta say, though, on that last scene it was very obvious who was under the hood.
Alright, just read Part IV...
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I am very much interested in how this turns out. Though, I'm gonna go with a couple of other people and bank a prediction on the possibility that Twilight is Celestia's long lost filly.
Twilight's mother and father are not her real birth parents, and Twilight is going to learn this the hard way in Part V.
...I can totally see it happening in a partially inverted Star Wars-esque manner, too.
(Twilight) You told me enough! You're still my father!
(Twi's Dad) ...No. I KILLED YOUR FATHER!
(Twilight) *eyes wide* What? No, that's not true!
(Twi's Dad) Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
(Twilight) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--wait, then who WAS my dad...?
...eh, or maybe not. 'Twas funnier in my head. xD
This story just seems like a piled on mishmash of every reference and plot twist the author could think of.
ReplyDeleteIt has so many plot threads going on so fast I cant even figure out whats going on with half of them. I've always disliked when stories don't inform the audience what's going on for dramatic effect or try to pack so much action in that they skip out on the details.
So why do I love this story so much any way?
And than Trixie almost killed a pony.
ReplyDeleteThis gets better with every chapter :D
ReplyDelete"dad... why?"
ReplyDeleteHOW IS THIS COMEDY.
Trixie is pretty hilarious. I mean, some people think she's best pony.
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, Twi is Celestia's kid. Calling it. Some Illuminati dealio about overthrowing the Princess and they needed someone with enough magic to raise the sun and moon to replace her. At least, that's how I'm reading it right now. I'm probably off by a ton.
trixie curses alot.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, the story didn't really keep me very interested. Emotions in the characters were way overexaggerated, the pacing was kind of weird, and the gags were a little cheesy. But overall, i isn't a bad story.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAlmost?
I really like this story because of all of the separate plot lines. I knew that, eventually, all of them were going to cross in a spectacular fashion. And, by the end of the 4th chapter, it appears that this crossing is coming to a head.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the awesome work!
EPIC GASP!
ReplyDeleteWell, someone likes Dan Brown.
I think I'll be removing the [Comedy] Tag... although there is some of it there, I think it is confusing some readers... and although I won't strip the jokes from the previous or future chapters, it does seem to be creating more trouble than helping by not balancing out properly.
ReplyDeleteEh, you had too much going on at the end of that last chapter. You had a total of 3 cliffhangers at the end of a single chapter... that's a bit excessive, don't you think? A little bit more focus next time would be much appreciated!
ReplyDeleteThat said, you've done a pretty good job so far. This has plenty of potential. I can't wait for the rest!
(Also, how many chapters were you planning on having, anyways?)
@Wanderer D
ReplyDeleteComedy = Tragedy + Time
As long as it doesn't end on a sad note, I wouldn't worry about that tag at all. You're not planning on a downer ending, right?
yeah dont end on a downer. but this is really good! i wanna see twilight kick the shit out of her dad lol, considering shes the element of magic it shouldnt be that hard
ReplyDelete(Update part 6!)
ReplyDelete*reads*
Part 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...?
-_-
Twilight DEAD pleasse don't let be true is this really the end of her i sure hope not but how will the rest of her friends react to what's happen not to mention how will everyone react when they find out her own father is behind it
ReplyDeleteOuch! I await the next ouch ... er.. chapter.
ReplyDeletehm. big mac x trixie.... hell yeah!
ReplyDeleteThis story has a lot of rather good plot ideas, and the personalities are pretty reasonable too. But the pacing really needs work
ReplyDeleteI can't give too much advice since I'm horrible at writing myself, but everything felt a little too rushed. Slowing the story down with more descriptions and prose would be a good addition.
Please PLEASE keep it going!!! D:
ReplyDeleteI feel that Spitfire had been doing something nearby Canterlot...
Omg Twi... if she really is gone it would be so freaking awesome (I mean, thinking about Twilight without her horn seems... in some way gross, please tell me she is dead... and no, I dont have anything against Twilight -but Rarity-)
Lol Big Mac X Trixie Wagon... XD
updated part 6 ?
ReplyDeleteHuh. I suppose this should bother me. For some reason it does not.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't know. I'll keep reading, but at the moment I don't really have anything meaningful to say. To many open plotlines.
Well, one thing... you would do well to proofread, the last chapter had a couple of sentences that just broke up abruptly and/or did not make sense from a grammatical point of view.
Oh my gosh, you killed Twilight! D: How could you!? *sobs*
ReplyDeleteNo, wait...wait! We never saw the cloaked pony after that final attack thing! What if that was really Twilight?
Moar, :(
ReplyDeleteNow taking bets that Spitfire is part of the Council of Nightmares at 4-1 for.
ReplyDeleteI hope not ..my bet will be she supporting good guys against nightmare.
ReplyDeleteHi everypony! Thank you so much for the comments! It really helps to read how much you are liking the story, and in some cases how to make it better!
ReplyDeleteI'm currently working on the next chapter which might be the last until after July 6th, but do not be discouraged, if I can find time to write in the next few days I will!
@Stephen Cawking Well the different groups will condense now into two, hopefully making it easier to read (I mean, I find it easy yo follow, but I'm writing it, so I'm definitely biased!) As for Celestia... yes, I agree, but next chapter has a bit of an explanation for why that's happening.
@Baree Hm, I think I caught one after you mentioned this, but I'll make sure to be more careful in future installments.
@Craft I have been thinking about going back and expanding the chapters, but not until the story is finished.
@Crimson Valor It's a ghost chapter.
What are they doing in the park after dark?
ReplyDeleteDUCKS! quack quack DUCKS! quack quack
Reading pornography, smoking cigars.
DUCKS! quack quack DUCKS! quack quack
So Apple Bloom's the one left to find Granny Smith's body? Ice cold, bro.
ReplyDeleteAnd I kind of hope we see it.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete20 bits on "yes she is."
...
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5
So I was wrong with my prediction about Twi's dad not being her biological father. Oh well. xD
ReplyDeleteStill, Twi kicking the bucket? Or at LEAST losing her horn? This just keeps getting more and more intriguing.
Seeing how "common" ghosts here are, I wouldn't say we've seen the last of Twi in any way.
ReplyDeleteJust found today and finished it too fast i hope to read more soon
ReplyDeleteWhy does it say (Updated Part 6!) btw? /hopeful wondering
ReplyDelete@Bangles Well, I think Seth updated the story pretty late last night and that, combined with me mentioning that it would go past its 6 originally intended chapters...
ReplyDelete*Finished reading all 5 chapters.* ...More please.
ReplyDelete...well, ****.
ReplyDeleteNow that the comedy tag's been replaced with a sad, I'm convinced this is gonna have a tragic ending...
...and now I feel like watching Misery all of a sudden...
*twitch*
These chapters are very vexingly short, but then again it is better to have short but good chapters than long and terrible ones.
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh. Nice chap.
ReplyDeleteStill, it doesn't necessarily mean that was Twilight's horn. It says Twilight's magic was in it, and that it was singed and burnt. It never said anything about being purple.
But who knows.
Hmm. I love how you make the cliffhangers. Its like GODDAMMIT I WANT TO KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN!
ReplyDeleteThis doesnt really manage to sadden me in any way, more I feel heartfelt sorrow. Great story of betrayal and adventure.
So the title says "Updated chapter 6" but theres only 5 chapters derp
ReplyDeleteInterestingly development with Dr. Mend, and I find his obsession with studying believable.
ReplyDeleteHowever, he has only one line "Let me get back to studying." or some variation on that line.
It's a little hackneyed by the time we get to the end of the chapter. Maybe the drama was a touch overdone for Mend's parents' death, but all in all, it was rather good.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWhat the hay are you talking about?
Looks like somepony done derped. Got a few too many tabs open there, champ?
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the story's coming along nicely, but I really love the little parts that focus on ghost Trixie, and now we Big Mac has joined the fray, with the flutterings of a pairing I hadn't thought of and, to my own amazement, don't hate. Astonishing.
What would one call that pairing anyway? Big Maxie? Trixintosh?
Anyway, great work; NEED MOAR.
@AnonymousTrixintosh... hmm... sounds good to me!
ReplyDeleteOkay everypony, I managed to squeeze some writing in, so I am sending chapter 6 to Seth right now, however, I was thinking I could do with a pre-reader if anypony was interested?
>Dash's tone turned accusing. “It's not! It can't be! Twilight wouldn't lose to some random unicorn! She's the Element of Magic! She has almost as much magic as an alicorn, right?!
ReplyDelete-Rainbow Dash has an excellent point there.
>“I'm sorry, sister... I can only feel Twilight's magic alone in this horn.”
-This *Boot to the Head* has an excellent point too, and it comes in PAIRS!
...Trying to make Twilight and her parents and her ENTIRE family/ancestors a part of some sort of Nihilistic Organisation of Fanatics... Nooooot sure... Really.
...I sincerly hope the author has a DAMN good reason to eliminate Twilight flatly like that...
(sigh)...just wait and see... This is gonna end in a bad depressing way, I bet... One that I would like to lose.
MOAR NOW!!!!!
ReplyDeleteamazing work man 5/5 stars, i think twilights gonna need some revenge if she ever comes back.
ReplyDeleteRight. In b4 Celestia goes evil herself.
ReplyDeleteI can totally see it happening. Though whether it DOES or not remains TO be seen.
....
ReplyDeleteIt's like I'm reading a George. R.R. Martin book.
Damn this is good.
Anyone else think Twi is going to go Super-Saiyen when she gets back?
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteWhat does it matter if Twi got flat-out waxed? It doesn't seem to have slowed Trixie down that much.
Oh, Celestia... *facehoof* You're worse than SoTC's Wander... wanting to bring the dead back to life, no matter how valid the cause, will bring more problems than it solves. ALWAYS.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually kind of surprised Celestia didn't know any resurrection magic, nor the divine power to bring back one single pony back to life...
...also, why the hay haven't we seen Twilight's ghost yet?! There's a metric TON of dramatic irony you could've put in there!
...unless... Twilight isn't actually dead...
@Wanderer D
ReplyDelete...what do you mean by that? You mean you want feedback from one of Seth's pre-readers, or that you want one of us to receive an advanced copy or something to offer you feedback on it?
A very interesting and powerful story thus far. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
ReplyDeleteAwesome so far, can't wait for the next chapter!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMust admit, I was thinking this too. If she perished in an explosion, you'd expect to find a lot more pieces of her lying around. Some teeth, a few splinters of bone, maybe a couple of streamers of viscera adorning the stonework, but nope; nothing but her horn.
Trixie left much more of a mess behind and she was eaten, so you'd expect most of her body to be gone, but what was left of her was still all over the place.
Aye, I don't think we should count Twi out just yet.
@AnonymousThe second, actually. Since I usually have about 24 to 36 hours after the story is sent for it to be updated it is an ideal time to fine-tune it.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. 5 stars. But then around chapter 4 it completely lost me. I have absolutely no idea what is happening. Still, 5 stars for awesome.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how this isn't six stars, to be honest. I guess it's okay to cripple Rainbow Dash, put other ponies into comas, bludgeon Big Macintosh and shoot him with a cross, etc etc. But killing Twilight in such a way that it's obvious she'll be back is too far?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, five stars for you, can't wait to see the next chapter so I can rock out to Sorairo Days while reading it.
I also can't wait for Trixie to confront the guardian and shot: "Who the hell do you think I am? My Specter is the specter that will pierce the heavens!"
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete>What does it matter if Twi got flat-out waxed?
-Kick in the groin.
On a more... something else... note :
Yeah... let's eliminate one by one, every single IMPORTANT characters in the whole series, just to make them into ghosts, then we will have plenty of ghost and a ghost world and... wait ? ...wasn't this story about Celestia ? Bah, let's kill a few dozen more, no one will care, right ?
(sigh) Seriously ? ...whatever now.
---------------
>Had it been under other circumstances... perhaps... but we know, don't we... that it was unfair... that it was uncalled for.
-Heh... Is this the Voice of Reason ? Because It is making a whole lot more sense...
Killing *Key characters* isn't the Key for anything good.
But what do I know, right ?
@Nova25Neither is assuming that things happen for no reason... it's not the end of the story, you know?
ReplyDelete@Stephen Cawking That would be awesome, how do you want to set it up?
Hey everypony, chapter 7 will be sent soon, but I was wondering, for those of you that actually read my posts here...
ReplyDelete[SPOILER ALERT]
Looking back on chapter 4, I tried to give an ominous feeling to the fate of Twilight Sparkle by making a lot of references to her whereabouts and even had Pinkie Pie sing "In the Land of Twilight (Under the Moon)" to create an urgency that would culminate in her confrontation in that chapter. So my question is, was it effective in that sense? Or did I lay it down too thick? Anyway, if you want to share your thoughts I'd appreciate it!
[/SPOILER ALERT]
-WD
Finally, some time to myself tonight...
ReplyDeleteLOLNO THE EMPTY ROOM UPDATED, GET TO WORK ON THAT PDF, BITCH.
-_-
That was...good....tho I don't really like the whole corrupt people everywhere thing that's goin on here.
ReplyDeleteAww...first the Dad and now Spitfire? Confound you fanficcers, you drive me to hating characters I usually like.
ReplyDelete[SPOILER]
ReplyDeleteSpitfire. Of all ponies. SHE'S PART OF THAT CULT TOO?
[/SPOILER]
Everypony: To paraphrase a B5 quote "nothing here is as it seems"
ReplyDeleteTo clear the air let me assure you all:
1: I do not kill without a purpose
2: Everypony in the story has their reasons for doing what they are doing
3: Things will be explained in the story, it just won't happen on every chapter.
4: While I will try to keep a certain level of comedy as an intrinsic part of the story, it is Grimdark for a reason!
5: It *might* end on a happy note, but you'll have to read to find out!
I love the story!
ReplyDelete[SPOILER]
Trixie will be replacing the element of magic, am i right :D ?
[/SPOILER]
@Hellfish
ReplyDeleteThat's my guess too.
...
UGH I'm supposed to be working on MY fanfic not reading others'
Right, okay, didn't like this latest chapter at all. Having the spirit-things for the mane cast showing up to help Luna in her struggle, but having Luna lose anyway? Not cool, man, not cool at all. That's just mean.
ReplyDeleteI saw all of chapter 7 coming :|
ReplyDeleteGimmie moar plz.
MOAR D:
From where the story started to where it is now, I was not expecting all of this. It's certainly not a disappointment though. I canne wait for more to read.
ReplyDelete@Wanderer D
ReplyDeleteI'd love to help out with this, I love this story. :D
You can just send me a rough draft and I'll read over it thoroughly, changing obvious mistakes and highlighting parts that I'm not entirely sure of or that I would advise changing (I MAY add an explanation to it in [square brackets], which you can just delete).
I must warn you, though, that my proofreading may be TOO thorough. Sometimes I point out things that may be perfectly fine, but, better safe than sorry, no?
Anyways, my email is gamedestroyer23@hotmail.com
Hmm. Can anyone draw Twilight Spark? She sounds like a vampire lol, bad fucking ass if you ask me...
ReplyDeleteand this is where Valiant Valmir would charge in with enchanted armor to tackle and do battle with Twilight Spark and Spitfire. Never go into battle without unexpected allies. GUAHAHAHA! but yes, I shoulda seen this coming. But I didn't. Great job man on a great story :)
@Valmir_R0yalGuArd
ReplyDeleteI imagined her more like Juri from Street Fighter...
"That felt good, didn't it?"
"It was only a matter of time." - Sargent Corde
ReplyDeletelol, I heard Fangs and pitch black mane and tail, along with dark hooves. I saw vampire, seemed stereotypical to me. But thats not as badass as the Boss in the Heroes Crypt in Dungeon Siege 3.
"Soon, you and your pathetic friends will join your little heroes in death, and your soul will be trapped here..."
"FOREVERRRR!" - Pinkie Pie :D
lol, seriously though, hes a badass boss, a bit slow, but VERY powerful.
nothing cooler than a 30 foot tall walking skeleton in full plate armor, carrying a claymore made of darkness. (which I got by beating him, its AWESOME.) Valmir shall prosper :)
I clicked the part 7 link SO HARD!
ReplyDeleteupdate update update update update update update update update update
ReplyDeleteI hope this fic get updated fast, because DAMN, you love way too much leaving us hanging. Plus WHA TTHE HAY!! Is everypony a member of the council of Nightmaer? First Twilight's dad, now Spitfire...Who next Prince BlueBlood? Octavia? Snips and Snails?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous Actually... that's a very fair question to ask and I feel I should have cleared that up a bit better... there ARE several members, but no more than 6.
ReplyDelete.... To many questions man. You're evil. At least you're putting out chapters at a decent pace. Hope we won't have to wait to long for the next one.
ReplyDelete@Valmir_R0yalGuArd
ReplyDeleteOoooh! Ooh! I can!
Gimme a couple of days. :)
Yay! Twilight's back! Sure, she's an evil vampire goth lesbian, but thats close enough, right?
ReplyDeleteYeah sure....given the trend, I am afraid what will happen to the mane 6.
ReplyDeleteI hope it does not become WAY too grimdark...or at least we got some of the elements of harmony kicking back and noot just getting kicked...also I would love to see Derpy/Ditzy getting some action(personally i would like to see her droppong in a berserk mode after some evil guy do something to Dinky...nopony touch Derpy's muffin!)
@Anonymous Be patient, I'm willing to bet not all is at it seems at this point.
ReplyDelete@Marrock
ReplyDeletePatience is not a quality of mine
>Nightmare Moon slowly stood up as Nightmare Flare stepped back to allow her some space. The dark alicorn opened her eyes and turned them towards the Elements of Harmony.
ReplyDelete-Huh... wait, what ?
What happened with all the *we are currently winning 'inner-mumbo jumbo' stuff* ?
Surely, even if she transformed, her mind must still be the one of Luna. Or, at the very least, partially in control, thanks to the remaining thoughts of the Elements of Harmony's bearers.
That would be a better twist than ''Blarg ! I'ma back ! Now you musta defeat me too !'', ''also your the mean to help the Princessa is in another castle''...
>She sighed. She had done so much to escape from the ghosts of her past.
-And now she's a ghost... Bitterly ironic isn't it ?
>But she had found it. And she would never let go.
-I do hope so...
-----
... Big Mac apparently likes to flirt with ghost, huh ? ...
... (also, I swear if the author just revived Twilight, just to have her die later just because : ''reviving the dead is wroooooong'', or something *cough* like that, there's gonna be *Boot to the Head* flying) ...
Just read everything so far in full and... well, wow. Suspense in its purest form. When the characters were sad, I could feel it. The plot twists were even planted so well that no amount of speculation could soften them.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best uses of that Grimdark tag I personally have ever read. I seriously cannot tell what's going to happen next. No rush for that next chapter, but dang. When you write this well, it's only natural!
Finished Twilight Spark:
ReplyDeletehttp://maximillianveers.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d3lgrfo
@Crimson Valor
ReplyDeleteA-whoop. Seth used it to replace the Luna image.
That pic is just magical
ReplyDelete@Crimson Valor What did I tell you? Juri. Plain and simple.
ReplyDeleteNice work, BTW.
@Wanderer D
ReplyDeleteHmm... so that leaves 4 members to root out...
COMMENCE THE INVESTIGATION!
*combs through the story in search of possible Chekhov's Gunmen*
@NotAGoodUsername360
ReplyDeleteHmm... alright, I've got a list of names:
[POSSIBLE SPOILERS]
-Glitter Horn
-Lance
-Wanderer D. Yes, YOU. Don't deny it!
Also, I suspect Glitter Horn may be Celestia's filly.
[END SPOILERS]
I don't think you've introduced the two remaining members of the Council yet, have you?
Also, you're lying about there only being six. You've clearly shown at the end of Chapter 3 that there are a total of SEVEN members of the cult: 6 followers and one leader. Although that leader may be The Guardian.
Am I wrong?
*smokes pipe*
@NotAGoodUsername360 I have consulted with my lawyer and she has advised me to neither confirm nor deny my involvement with this alleged "Nightmare Council" group of which you speak, although hypothetically speaking, if there's six of them it might be because one died, right? :) But then again, that is pure conjecture and not to be taken as the gospel truth.
ReplyDelete@Wanderer D
ReplyDeleteMmm...
Then answer me this one final question before I allow you to leave town:
Where is the body of Twilight Sparkle?
I will assume if you cannot answer this question in a straightforward way that my suspicions are correct and Celestia is a complete idiot.
Though you may be pulling a Long Halloween by having the lack of a corpse be a red herring and a distraction from the real truth...
Then sign this paper and you may leave the precinct. For now.
[Spoilers for new readers]
ReplyDelete@NotAGoodUsername360 According to witnesses, Twilight Sparkle was pretty much vaporized in a blast of magical fire that collapsed the side of Canterlot Castle in an attempt to defend Princess Celestia's interests. As such, she should be hailed as the heroine she is.
[/Spoilers]
@Wanderer D
ReplyDelete...
Thank you. You are free to go.
...
...by the way, you are very good at being subtle when you want to. Thanks for proving some insight.
...you wouldn't happen to be, by any chance, a fan of the Ace Attorney games? You're reminding me very much of this one case...
...off the record, of course.
@NotAGoodUsername360
ReplyDeleteLeave him alone and let him get back to work on Chapter 8 already!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteBut-... I-... justice-...
Mmmph. Fine.
*drops case*
...you win this round, Wanderer D. But I've got my eye on you... alllways watching you...
@Sun Ray
ReplyDelete*knowing smile*
Plot twists, you say? As an avid fan of plot twists, I've found several embedded in the story already. I think its safe to say your wish is already fulfilled...
please let nopony die!
ReplyDeleteoh and i dont like spitfire being the baddie D:
Hey everypony! The eight chapter has been sent to the Great and Powerful Sethisto, and will be up when its turn comes up!
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I thought I'd answer some questions... lets see...
@Nova25 The answer my friend is in the next chapter... in part. I can't just simply tell everypony what's happening! That would kill the suspense!
And yes, Big Mac seems to like flirting with ghosts.
@Captain Gamer Thank you! I am glad that you're enjoying it! Hope you like the next chapter too!
@Crimson Valor That's because it is an awesome pic! Thank you so much!
@NotAGoodUsername360 Afraid not... my only knowledge of the Ace Attorney series comes from little snippets from VGcats. I was told once though that I would make a great lawyer by a former judge. Does that count?
@Sun Ray *Snaps fingers* granted.
@Anonymous Um... ^_^' I promise they'll try really hard not to?
@Marrock Indeed. There are hidden plots, returning characters including ones that NotAGoodUsername360 forgot to mention, and more! A drinking contest with Londo Mollari! A chess match with Lelouch! A sword fight with Iñigo Montoya! (okay, so maybe those three are exagerations, but you must admit that would be cool)
@Drakengarde Got it right!
@Click Clack Your post had me laughing for a while :) hope you like chapter 8.
Wow..Where'd you get that Evil Twilight Image anyways?
ReplyDeleteOH MAH CELESTIA EVIL TWILIGHT IS SO AWESOME
ReplyDeleteDAT PICTURE.
ReplyDeletethere is a saying on the internet for stuff like the ending of the 8th chapter...WHAT THE FU-*BOOM*
ReplyDeleteSo, is evil just the "in" thing right now? Between all the betrayals, you'd think somepony would try to at least cast Detect Evil or something.
ReplyDelete@ToonNinja
ReplyDeleteCelestia: Failed perception check.
Luna: Failed perception check.
Twilight: Failed perception check.
Rarity: Failed perception check.
Pinkie: Failed perception check.
AJ: Failed perception check.
Dash: Failed perception check.
Fluttershy: Failed perception check.
Spitfite: Cast Magic Missile.
@ToonNinja I once cast Detect Evil in the Plane of Evil... my character's head imploded.
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to take a break from reading the excellent new chapter to point out something I'm particularly pleased with:
ReplyDelete"I see you couldn't care less."
Thank you! So very many people use the wrong version, and that annoys me a very great deal.
There's a handful of fics on EqD that when they update I drop whatever it is I'm doing and read them. This is right at the top of that list.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I randomly picked the first chapter to read; I was bored, it was new and it sounded interesting. I was utterly and completely hooked. Seven chapters later and it puts me on the edge of my seat. Every. Single. Time.
It is just incredibly amazing and spectacular and any other related positive adjectives I can lump on it. I just know that when everything starts coming together I'm going to actively have to remember to breathe while I'm reading this.
This story gets all of my 5 stars. All the time, every time.
I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything when I reached the end of the chapter. THAT…TWIST…WHAT?!
ReplyDeleteI am greatly looking forward to the next update.
You know what evil Twilight needs?
ReplyDeleteDeath Metal. Lots and lots of Death Metal.
Here's a fitting band:
Swallow the Sun.
That and meta-magic feats. Then she could cast Meteor Swarm and make it deal sonic damage.
Make it rain LOUDNESS.
How is it possible that we went from a story about looking for a filly to saving the world?
ReplyDeleteI'll admit, I fell for Evil Twilight's trick in chapter 8 too. However, Twilight's sudden comeback into her normal self did give part of my brain a warning that something wasn't quite right.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm wondering what's up with RD. It's like there are betrayals happening all over the place, or everyone is playing D&D and are secretly neutral or chaotic evil.
Add "comedic genious" to what I said about Twilight Spark earlier. I like a villain that knows how to push the hero's buttons while making the audience laugh about it. I just wish her picture (as absolutely awesome as it is) wasn't such a big spoiler.
ReplyDeleteIt's so twisty it's twisted my stomach into a mandelbrot knot.
ReplyDeleteMy God... Wanderer D... You have made a masterpiece! The Mona Lisa of Fanfics! You sir are a Picasso of the written word! Why do you write so well? Now I'm going to have to scrap my inadequate fanfic I was writing and start over... Again...
ReplyDeleteSPOILER
ReplyDeleteNext twist is Twist coming to save Applejack ... a Twist within a twist. no one will see it coming.
Loooove this! It's so edgy and intense! I can't wait to see where the story is going, especially now that it's getting fairly complicated. :)
ReplyDeleteI have a strong dislike for Trixie and was kind of glad that she was wasted in the first chapter. But as the story progresses, I think that blue boastful unicorn is growing on me.
ReplyDeleteHer side story with Big Mac is a nice and humorous touch to the whole betrayal and grimness of the manecast.
I have a strong inkling that Trixie is going to the trumpcard and save them all :]
And evil Twilight vampire goth fillyfooler was the icing on the cake (The picture associated with this story is what got me reading in the first place).
Great piece of work so far man.
@Kitonin Thank you! I'm glad you like it so much and that it has kept being interesting! Be sure to let me know what you think of chapter 9!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous I seem to have that effect on people... I remember an admin from a Macross forum who *was* drinking when he read one of my posts. Glad to see I haven't lost my edge! :D
@MihailK According to someone on Deviant Art, she needs a goatee.
@Anonymous Aren't they the same thing?
@EonMaster The only D&D is in the comments section :) Everything else has a reason.
@Anonymous I'm... sorry?
@Silent Solace Well, um, thank you! I suddenly find myself at a loss for words... I'm not THAT good, I think, but I am glad the story has gathered such a following! And don't scrap your fic! I'm sure a lot of us would like to read it!
@Katherine Sularz Complicated? Oh, I've only just begun.
@Banana You know, as I mentioned before, I also had a strong dislike of Trixie, but as I wrote the story she grew on me... I think it is because of us bronies. The fandom has given her a depth that I strive to make justice to, and it is something that before reading so many Trixie stories I would have never thought about. As for the picture... that is the work of the awesome @Crimson Valor if you ponies like it, take a look at the gallery in DA and let Crimson Valor know just how cool all the artwork is!
This might just be the best fanfic out there. I can't wait for the next part. Please keep them coming and keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteYour faithful fan
-T
Not gonna lie. Evil Twilight is best Twilight.
ReplyDeletePart 8 :
ReplyDelete>“Why wouldn't she?” Rainbow-orb asked. “After all you're-”
-Let me guess, she's her mother or something ? ... ...not that I would mind, *IF* it's the case, of course.
>“Then...” Twilight-orb said, moving out of the avatar's way. “Let her win.”
-Ooohh, I really hope she has a plan... one that doesn't involve sacrificing herself or something like that.
>Only little mounds of ash remained.
>“Rarity! Pinkie Pie!” Applejack shouted.
-Oh for the love of ..., damnit!
*Readying the Vengeance Machine of War !*
...at this, it takes a LOT of will to even ''desire'' to continue reading, seriously.
>“You are very perceptive sister. I exiled them to my Moon Prison.
-(tired-siiiiiiiiigh) I don't know what to think right now, really... those are the 'kind' of up-and-down that I don't appreciate, in stories... and now I'm feeling tired.
...magical focus circle thingy making ghosts, thus Trixie, a bit more ''there'' ? That's something... It's a little better now, a little...
>“Oooh...” a whimpering voice came from the unicorn. “A-applejack? What happened?
-Is that hope in the distance ? ...wait... Let's wait for a little bit, shall we ? ...just in case.
-Yep, hope for nothing once more.
Can see them MILES in advance now... errg...
>“What’s up, Applejack? Dragon caught your tongue?” Rainbow Dash asked
-Wait, let me get a running distance for that *Boot to the Head*.
Hope, expectations and patience are dropping like the temperature in the Arctic.
Barely enough to stay afloat.
@Nova25 Heh, you're a tough one, but that's cool.
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me remind you of the very first tag in the story: [Grimdark] the thing is, I just don't jump into the story and everything is bad from the beginning... some ponies do it, I'd rather slowly immerse everyone in despair... or something.
A convention of writing is pacing, and although several ponies here could argue about the pacing on each individual chapter, you cannot argue much about the pacing of the story itself... everything is progressing to its inevitable conclusion, at a steady pace and with *conflict* which is a key element of making a story.
Yes there are a LOT of twists, but as I've mentioned before, this story is still being told, and there's still a lot to happen yet, and more importantly, *everything* absolutely *everything* has a reason behind it, be it Twilight's death/revival/jokes to the betrayals/shipping/ghosts, the Guardian, the Nightmares and even the locations.
Remember, part of this whole thing is the mystery of why things are happening... and it will be solved.
I hope you continue reading the story and to read your comments again!
@Wanderer D Oh, I didn't forget about them. I didn't want to take ALL the fun out of this fic... *smile*
ReplyDelete@Wanderer D
ReplyDeleteSo, you've never played Ace Attorney, then? Hmm. Odd. You're using the same twist as Justice For All's "Reunion, And Turnabout": [SPOILER]You can't bring someone back to life who isn't really dead.[/SPOILER]
Hmm.
Also, was that Twilight Spark pretending to revert fake-out a direct jab at me? Because if it was, it worked. I nearly threw my little netbook across out of the 16th story window of my hotel room.
Never make me question or doubt your intelligence like that again. Not. Cool.