Author: l0x0r
Description: AU. Twilight Sparkle travels to Canterlot to investigate why Princess Celestia has been acting distant lately. Faced with a harsh discovery, she finds a new friend in Princess Luna. But can their new friendship survive Luna's insecurities?Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying (All Links) (New! Chapter 10!)
Additional Tags: Distressed Twilight Sparkle, Sympathetic Luna
193 comments:
i approve of this story and that picture
ReplyDeleteYou perfectly captured the nervousness that Twilight feels around Celestia when she thinks she had done something wrong.
ReplyDeleteYou want shipping? You'll get shipping. Just for you I'll write a sequel and it's going to ship Luna and Twilight so hard that you'll think you're on the Edmund Fitzgerald.
ReplyDeleteI like shipping, but this particular story might have been better served without the undertones of it. I would get rid of it in this story and put it in the sequel after they've gotten to know each other better.
ReplyDeletebut the edmund fitzgerald sunk :( i dont wanna sink IM GOIN TO THE LOVE BOAT
ReplyDeleteA pleasant read. It made me feel... nice. Consider this comment as indicative of my tentative approval.
ReplyDeleteThe shipping elements were almost nonexistent in this chapter, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think you got the reaction that Twilight would have at Celestia getting another student pretty much nailed down, but I hope this distance thing won't keep up. I don't think Twilight would ever really stay upset or feel distant from Celestia, a new student notwithstanding.
ReplyDeleteI really liked it, but I would have used a [normal] tag as well. Luna and Twilight should stay friends and that's what they are in this story, at least that's how I like to interpret it. Not that I mind the Luna/Twilight shipping stories, they're fun too, but this story just had a bit more realism to it than some other Luna/Twilight stories.
ReplyDeleteOh my. That was really touching. I don't believe the shipping tag was needed because it wasn't truly shipping as much as friendship stuff. I actually love this with how they depicted Luna and Twilight. I feel that this a tad episodic. It was a really nice plot and a really nice deliverance.
ReplyDeleteYes, that's how Twilight might very well react initially to Celestia taking on a new student! Loved your descriptions of Luna and her room, and the moonrise scene on the balcony was really well done and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteVery fine work!
Luna's room is such win.
ReplyDeleteThat was almost moving. A kind, personal story of Twilight dealing with not being the most loved of Celestia's students is something we, I think, should see more of. And this one was done all too well.
ReplyDeleteI also laughed when Twilight woke up to see Luna next to her, haha.
A great mix of both showing events and telling emotions that I don't think enough fics use (worse fics tend to tell too much, and many fics show a lot more, but this did both, I think, perfectly). Paced well, great descriptions of every room, and you captured every awkward Twilight moment perfectly.
I only wish this could be an episode.
This demands a sequel!
ReplyDeleteI've just had the pleasure of reading this delightful story, and I must say I am deeply impressed.
ReplyDeleteLittle Luna is so adorable in this piece, I really like how the author characterised her. As a matter of fact, I really like them all. If the author ever comes by here, I hope he/she sees my thanks for this lovely piece of work.
I don't know if you're joking or not, but PLEASE do a sequel to this. Or, as Rarity put it...
ReplyDeletePlease, please, PLEEEASE!
I forgot that I read this already on ff.net and when I saw it here I got my hopes up thinking this was a second chapter.
ReplyDeleteGood to know I'm not the only one who wouldn't mind seeing more, it really is a great fic.
Very solid writing. My only problem was in the library scene, I felt as though the dialogue was a little descriptive for someone who is crying. I can imagine that it would hard to make out complete sentences in that type of situation.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a beautifully written scene, and despite one or two spelling errors and comma usages that I don't think are worth getting angsty about, this was one of the best stories I've read with Luna in it. Fully deserves the five-star I gave it. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI didn't find it too shippy; more warmly awkward. Personally, I found it funny and heart-warming. What a great little fic.
ReplyDeleteSay it with me, folks - D'AWWWWWWW ^^
ReplyDeleteThat was a cute story, I hope there will be sequels !
ReplyDeleteI want to read how Luna meets all of the other Ponys !
Adorably done. The use of "crack" to describe what Twilight felt in her "heart" struck me as an extremely apt term. However, nopony seems to have wondered over what I'M wondering... How will Celestia feel about Twilight not "worshiping" her now? Perhaps in the sequel -- please do a sequel -- we will see Celestia's side of the same predicament and she will confide in Luna who will realize that Celestia and Twilight are having the same problem. Hopefully she can fix all the moments that make me [Sad]... I don't like being [Sad], it makes me feel things.
ReplyDeleteVery sweet, very well written story. Everypony was in character and it tugged at all the right heart strings.
ReplyDeleteBravo good sir, I await the sequel with baited breath.
Lul, Celestia got replaced.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though man, I think you are my fav writer on this site me. I 5-star enjoy everything you've made thus far, and I am a man of stupidly high standards.
I also like how you link your stories together in small ways, too. Keep up the good art.
P.S.
You also need a Deviantart or something so I can fav your stuff.
A very good, lengthy story. My heart melted a couple times (and then exploded twice). I was severely craving more bed action, but that's just my train of thought, and I'm satisfied with how everything played out. 5 stars from me!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't help but look at that picture and think, "-and then Luna pooped the universe."
Awesome read. Needs normal tag. I hope you don't make the sequel heavy shipping like you said you would though. I would like to read more of this but I stay away from shipping.
ReplyDeleteOne can never have too much Twilight and Luna, even if it is just tooth-rotting fluff.
ReplyDeleteGood show.
What does the final sentence:"De profundis clamo ad te Celestia" mean?
ReplyDelete3 words:
ReplyDeletemoar...MOAR!..&Please?
Also, Twilight X Luna is my fav. Keep it up!
@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteYES. I love you. XD
It was the perfect amount of shipping.
ReplyDeleteNo sex.
Just cuddling
and Luna.
This may have been
the best story
I ever read.
@Fachsenbude
ReplyDeleteMy French is better than my Latin, so the sentence might be off, but it translates to something like;
"Out of the depths I cry to you, Celestia"
Also, thanks everyone who liked this story. Sadly I am a slow writer, so the continuation probably will take a while. It's sometimes problematic when you write your rough drafts on bar napkins.
@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteThx for translation.
And take your time, Haste makes waste.
I love it!!! Epic Awesome!!! (I'm beginning to think that there's no such thing as bad Lunafic. Praise Celestia I hope I'm right...)
ReplyDeleteI'd wait forever for a sequel. This is literary gold.
ReplyDeletemake moar!
ReplyDeletedont ship them TOO much to where it ruins the good quality :D it could use a little more but not like vigorous sex, maybe something to where it wont take away this LITERARY MASTERPIECE's quality
ReplyDeleteI *do* want the shipping, go for it.
ReplyDeletei like :) i demand moar.
ReplyDeleteD'aaaaawwwww Twilight/Luna is so cute! I demand more! 5 stars!
ReplyDeleteI can't actually see Celestia replacing Twilight like that, and I can't get a real handle on how long it's been since the events of season one to help compensate. Getting past that, however, I was able to enjoy the story. Twilight has some growing up to do.
ReplyDeleteLuna's a fast worker. I am for some reason immensely amused by "twinkle dots", I can't stop giggling about it. This was perfectly adorable, and I'd certain like to see a continuation. This really does feel like the prelude to something longer, and perhaps not as mishap-ridden as some of Luna's other journeys to Ponyville.
This was a very sweet, very nice story. :) I think it created the perfect setup because it's a situation of which you can make anything you like. Want it to a a friendship? It can be a friendship. Warm friendship? It can be that, with ease. Loving relationship? That too. Everything was put in place to make ti flexible and perfect. Bravo!
ReplyDeletePart 2!?
ReplyDeletePART 2!?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteDO WANT
I's been waiting so long for this. you don't know how over joyed I am to see this back at the top of the newest Luna fics with part 2 by its name! :D
ReplyDeletePart 2? Where?
ReplyDelete>Damn I need an editor. Otherwise I'll just keep spewing crap like this.
ReplyDelete>6 stars
I don't think this is crap. You're writing very well, but I know what it feels like to think everything you write is bad (though I think mine is justified, as it is nowhere near as good as your stuff).
getting shippier lol. I really like where this is going, quite the turn around when celestia started to feel the same way Twilight did in the beginning. (spoiler i guess) Its getting very cute and this has a lot of 'D'aaawww' moments. I'm really looking forward to reading more :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Narwhals' Bend. You're writing is fantastic. Don't ever think less.
ReplyDelete@Valmir_R0yalGuArd
ReplyDelete@Narwhals' Bend
Thanks for the compliments. It's just difficult for me to see past the flaws a lot of the time. Every time I write I try to incorporate the suggestions and criticism I receive in order to be better, but I always feel like I'm unlearning the english language one word at a time.
It wasn't until about two months ago that I learned the rule for commas before a person's name while addressing them. Maybe I should have majored in English instead of IT back in college.
Looks like this might turn into a love triangle. Or a friendship triangle...Celestia's feeling neglected now and Luna has Twilights interest. Can't wait for more
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteJust remember, you are who you are. Its good to incorporate suggestions but dont let them ruin who are you are? These stories are really good, just keep doing what you are doing and dont let people tell you otherwise. (unless its punctuation based)
Inb4 jelly Celly, not the biggest fan of shipping but I am really enjoying this. Good work.
ReplyDeleteWhen Luna decided not to tell Celestia why Twilight wasn't treating her with the same enthusiasm anymore I was internally yelling at Luna to tell the truth. Poor Celly.
ReplyDeleteAnyways I hope to see more!
what does shipping mean?
ReplyDelete@Above:
ReplyDeleteShipping (as per fanfiction) : Is a term used to describe a relationship between two characters, sometimes with subtypes to describe intensity.
I.e. A Romeo and Juliet fiction that has Romeo love Juliet is shipping Romeo and Juliet
@l0x0r:
In series Twilight was in a similar (but different) position as Luna when Fluttershy became a model (the difference being the lack of potential love interest between Twilight and either Fluttershy and Rarity).
"Damn I need an editor. Otherwise I'll just keep spewing crap like this. Maybe I'll find one before the next chapter. But I doubt it."
ReplyDeletebe quiet and keep writing. i loved it.
First sentence out of Twilight's mouth after Luna entered the Library:
ReplyDelete"The bedroom is up here."
Oh boy.
In all seriousness, though, I like this. As pointed out above, there are a lot of similarities between what happened in this chapter and what happened in Green is Not Your Color (and I actually see Luna being in a similar position to what Rarity was in, torn between wanting Celestia to be happy but angry at herself for wanting herself to be happy more).
And I really like the Friendship Triangle, and for someone as hurt by inner guilt as Luna is in this story I can see the conclusions she came to ("If Twilight goes back to Celestia she won't be my friend anymore") as being realistic ones to make.
HO HO HO
ReplyDeleteinb4 Celestia rage-quits, and this becomes grim-dark.
Really cute. I like the pace of the developing relationship between Luna and Twilight. I feel bad for Celestia - I hope Luna tells her the truth once she's feeling more secure about friendship.
ReplyDeleteI also got a weird vibe that Celestia was hustling Luna out of the castle ASAP because the Guard Captain was planning to off Luna and remove the Nightmare Moon threat permanently, but that could be a little too grimdark for a fic about love and friendship.
Keep up the great work, and I'm looking forward to more chapters!
Really cute. And I like the alcohol references by the way. Stop making me want to drink gin and lime, lol.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, a lot of d'aww moments. And I really can't express to you enough how much I appreciate -subtle- shipping. Instead of outright -letsodthis-
It's an endearing story, and I honestly just cannot wait for more.
As a side comment; this fandom has ruined Luna for me. By that I mean that I adore the character -so- much, that I'm having trouble believing anything the MLP staff does with her might disappoint me.
Eh, you never know.
Much love, keep writing. 5 star :)
@Sketch
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're enjoying my story. I came up with all the OC character names while I was at my local bar outlining the story. I was a bit trashed, which makes it hard for me to be creative, so I asked one of the bartenders for a list of mixed drinks.
@Everyone else
Thanks for the positive comments. I promise the next chapter will be 3-6% better than this one, or your money back.
This was very well written, and I really enjoyed the VERY sutle shipping in it. I found it adorable what happened in bed, and I really do hope you write a sequel. I wont give any suggestions, because you dont need any at all, wrtie what you feel is wirte and everypony will enjoy reading it!
ReplyDelete@Me, myself, and Tast
ReplyDeleteI don't know what makes me sadder, sad Luna, or sad Celly :(
Off note: Celestia feeling neglected as well? Called it. Although I don't like being right T_T
I think sad Celly is more upsetting than sad Luna, but that's because I've seen so much sad Luna, and I haven't seen any Celly in socks.
"Damn I need an editor. Otherwise I'll just keep spewing crap like this. Maybe I'll find one before the next chapter. But I doubt it."
ReplyDeleteIf this is crap, I really want to see what you deem to be amazing, because it's likely on the level of world peace.
By 'okey, there's more??? If you're gonna keep this up, I shall have to bookmark this for later; I thought it was done! I'm glad it's not!
ReplyDelete...Wow, only Luna could singe her covers by trying to fold them.
Considering their sleep cycles are keyed to their respective heavenly bodies, the two Princesses' lives must be hard to live. Barely ever seeing each other, Luna alone at night with nothing but the proverbial skeleton crew and whatever night owls might be about. It's easy to see how that could have resulted in the events a thousand years ago.
Luna needs her own throne room, one that fits her. It might be late to suggest, but perhaps "Ponnyssee"? The pun becomes a little more obvious then.
I love the mystery; why is Celestia avoiding Luna all of a sudden? It comes on so gradually, it feels really insidious.
Whoa, wait, this was really Twilight/Celestia shipping all along? CLEVER GIRL. And oh snap, Luna, what you just did. (Also, Gimlet/Luna?)
LIME. RICKEY. Oh you. I love Pinkie's idea for a surprise surprise party. Only she would think of that. And oh wow; all the ponies in this town suck at making banners. Oh god, Pinkie doing the bloodhound thing? I don't think I can ever get that image out of my head! You write such a good Pinkie Pie! (Apples and apple accessories, oh shit!)
What I'm trying to say is, I'm surprised at the amount of humor in this chapter. And it's integrated so well into the story! Ahh, and I see Pinkie serves the good kind of punch.
Oh god, them sleeping together is so cute. I'm glad there's nothing kinky about it. This is the most adorable ship, be it friend or relation, ever.
CANNOT WAIT FOR MORE :D
Just as good as Chapter one! Great characters-they're realistically complex, which means, honestly, they aren't super complex. You don't have to hear internal monologue to find out all the things going on in their minds, but they aren't so shallow as to be predictable. They act like real people, taking cues from obvious personality traits and major stimulus without needing to respond to their repressed/ancient memories. I love the character interactions here, especially Luna and Tia. Dashie's cameo was classic, and the responses from Twi and Luna were spot on.
ReplyDeleteIt leaves a tiny bit to be wanted in its (only occasionally) simplistic narrative descriptions, but mostly the dialogue or POV handles that well. In all, definitely a Star-Six chapter, and I can't wait for the next one.
Huge kudos to the author.
I am VERY disjointedness with Luna, not clearing the air between Twilight and Celestia when she had the chance.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm disappointed in a good way, because the inclusion of that, coupled with Luna getting her assistant to go away, really highlights the insecurities and flaws in Luna's somewhat naive nature.
She's setting herself up for pain down the line unless she does something though...
Regardless, I'll still be avidly awaiting the next update. Keep up the good work!
Very cute writting, loved Twilight's awkwardness with Luna. D'awwed at Cuddly Luna. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteI think i said Awww in real life when Luna was cuddling Twi, just so cute! ^-^
ReplyDeleteI agree that keep it cute, but maybe do put some, pure love into it, maybe more like I won't let you go, but really just do what you want lol!
ReplyDeleteWould be nice for an update...
ReplyDeleteWhy hast thou forsaken us? D:
ReplyDelete@Kayriel
ReplyDeleteI'm a slow writer. Very slow. In order to guarantee the quality of my writing I have to whittle my pens out of obsolete server ram, mix my ink made up of my tears and the ashes of my past dreams, and collect enough toilet paper rolls with the last vestiges of paper clinging to them for something to write on.
But the next chapter is close to completion, and should be out within the next week or so.
Of course you'll probably speed read through it in ten minutes or so. But hey, c'est la vie.
@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteThat was the best comment I've read all day, anywhere.
Oh dear god, D'awww in a package? maybe so, godd fic, no Great fic. 5/5. need moar though...
ReplyDeleteChapter 3 sent to editors. It's a bit longer than the last chapter. Prepare to sail this ship straight to the bottom.
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteI could take up a cattle prod and see if we can expedite the tear-making process. Maybe the ashes, too! Hey, two-for-one.
And possibly, but regardless of the speed I read at, with your work here I'll enjoy the same as someone who pauses for dramatic effect. That's why I'm looking forward to it!
I'm really anticipating what happens in the future chapters, especially if Celestia and/or Twilight realize that Luna hasn't told either one of them how the other feels. Also, Gimlet Lime seemed distraught to be brushed away. Hopefully Luna will notice and appreciate her more as well.
ReplyDelete*chuckles at the latest Author's Note*
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteI read every word for 2 hours and I loved it. It doesn't deserve a speed read, don't ever say that about your work.
All of my stars.
"And the urge to move to New Zealand and start an apple farm specializing in Honeycrisp apples in order to promote their year-round availability."
ReplyDeleteAs a New Zealander, I can happily say, DO IT.
NOOOO! Don't lay off the ponies, it's not a disease! It's an evolution!
ReplyDeleteThis was a wonderful chapter, and counting the days until the next. You've made this late morning worthwhile yet again.
This is the finest shipping I have ever read. You have absolutely captured the characters magnificently. I feel all the emotions at the right time, truly one of the best works I've read.
ReplyDeleteOn a related note, MORE! :D
"I also think maybe I should layoff the ponies for a bit. I've been having strange dreams of late. Strange dreams indeed. I believe my mind may be diseased."
ReplyDeletePlease don't abandon this. It's currently my favorite TwiLuna fic and on my "Must read immediately"-list. I would really hate to see it left unfinished.
As for taking your time to write each chapter, please do that. I have seen way too many fics that start out really great and then fall into pieces because author keeps too tight schedule and burns out and quality of their writing starts to drop. So yeah, take your time because these really are worth of the wait every time.
@AnonymousI second that =)
ReplyDeletekeep up the good work
@Anonymous I third that
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI fourth it.
I've always held that the opposite of love is disgust.
ReplyDeleteThis is a truly wonderful story. I just started from the beginning and spent the entire evening reading. The character descriptions and relationship developments are excellent and nothing feels forced or rushed.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked your take on the bathroom scene. I half expected this to take a turn for the cloppy but the picture of Luna playing with the bubbles just made me giggle myself :).
By all means, take your time writing. I think I speak for everyone who appreciates your fics when saying "keep up the good work", as also stated by some others.
@l0x0rExcellent work! I read it all the way through last night - I just couldn't stop and went to bed two hours later than intended.
ReplyDeleteYour style is very captivating, and the depth of emotion you instill in the characters is quite impressive. I would love to help if you should ever need another editor or assistance of any other kind, as this story deserves to be completed.
And lastly: It's okay to have strange dreams; please don't let them deter you from your work. Others will judge to protect their own ego, but we love you for what you've produced and shared with us. Thank you!
@Scorched WingThanks. I'm glad you and the others have enjoyed reading the story. Although with 20k odd words in the last chapter, it seems many of the comments are about the last dozen or so.
ReplyDeleteFear not. I'll complete this story. Who knows, perhaps insanity will allow me to be more creative. It seemed to work for Carlo Gesualdo.
However, if I start seeing ponies in real life, such as Pinkie being in the server room, I'll know I have a problem. Twilight's about the only pony I would trust being in the server room.
"I also think maybe I should layoff the ponies for a bit. I've been having strange dreams of late. Strange dreams indeed. I believe my mind may be diseased."
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the herd.
Pretty interesting so far.
ReplyDeletePart 2a and 2b were quite long, but full of good details.
2B :
>Oh, then we should totally study love.
-Twilight is almost directly screaming ''HINT-HINT!'' in 30Ft tall letters on ''FIRE'', and Luna doesn't seem to even remotely catch on that ?
Saw a couple of words I had never seen in my entire life... good thing for 'merriam dictionary' ;)
Within the space of the first extremely well-written chapter you made me tear up, laugh out loud, and d'awww enough to make my roommate leave the room. If the rest of the story keeps this level of quality, it will be among the best I've seen.
ReplyDeleteThough I'll admit that I've never heard blueberries described as "voluptuous" before...
ReplyDelete@SindriI've had a ... complicated history with blueberries and many other berry varieties such as strawberries.
ReplyDeleteThere's a reason I'm banned from all the local pick-your-own farms.
But I'm glad you like the story thus far, and I hope the rest won't be a disappointment.
@l0x0rl0x0r said... Best Blogger Tips [Reply To This Comment]
ReplyDeleteQuoth the l0x0r: "I'm glad you and the others have enjoyed reading the story. Although with 20k odd words in the last chapter, it seems many of the comments are about the last dozen or so."
That says it all, really. We enjoy the story so much that these "last dozen or so words" are the only ones we feel the need to comment on.
"However, if I start seeing ponies in real life, such as Pinkie being in the server room, I'll know I have a problem. Twilight's about the only pony I would trust being in the server room."
Only the vernacular works here: Dude, I am so with you on that. Pinkie Pie is probably the only creature that could make a rack go thermonuclear.
And I wholly agree with Sindril's first statement - I'm not touching the berry issue though...
ReplyDeleteThough you should only see Twilight, you will only see Pinkie since she's the only pony who visits our world.
ReplyDeleteTherefore:
1)See Twilight, you're hallucinating
2)See Pinkie, dear God help us, the Pinkie has come to screw with physics
@AppleTankOh dear Luna you're right. Now we know what to look out for.
ReplyDeleteAs I neared the end of the most recent chapter, I had a shocking realization:
ReplyDeleteI appear to be reading a romance novel.
What's more, I appear to be enjoying it quite a bit.
What the hay is happening to me?!?
In all seriousness, you are a wonderful writer and I eagerly await the next installment. Now off to Fallout Equestria to take refuge in the ultraviolence, drug addiciton, and general grimdarkery before I d'awww too hard and my face sticks like that.
@Sindri
ReplyDeleteI prefer the term romantic novel. I think it brings to mind works such as Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion, rather than a book with a swooning woman held in a shirless Fabio's embrace.
But hell, I'm writing My Little Pony fanfiction. I guess I don't have room to be elitist, so go ahead and call it what you will. I'm just glad you've stuck with it thus far, and hope that the next chapter will be as good if not better than the last.
@Sindri, who said: "I appear to be reading a romance novel."
ReplyDeleteHeh, you caught that too?
I too am amazed at how much I am enjoying such a heretofore anathematic possibility. 's awesome.
Finally got time to read this chapter (its a hell of a lot longer than it looked when I started). Lots of nice little details happening in it.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that stuck out the most to me was Luna almost going Nightmare on everypony again as her angst over potentially losing Twilight to Celestia built up late in the chapter. You did it in a really subtle, clever way; and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that it took me quite a bit longer than I think it should have for me to catch exactly what was going on.
Anticipating the next chapter.
Good lord, this needs more chapters... like a week ago. XD
ReplyDeleteFantastic read, very few spelling mistakes or errors, and extremely well written. Keep up the good work sir. (or madame...)
Honestly. I love this fan-fiction, it's sweet, well written and honestly I'm at a lack for good words. I am dreading the inevitable discovery though, and just how heart-breaking it may be.
ReplyDeletePlease Continue Writing this, it's just so great.
ReplyDeleteLove it, looking forward to more. Avoided this for a while because sad Twilight is not best Twilight, but I finally got into it. I wonder how "the reveal" will go over.
ReplyDeleteChapter 4 sent to the editors. If I still have editors. I guess we'll find out together. Anyway, I don't like this chapter, it's not that great, but it's past time that we moved this story along, and to paraphrase a saying, it's better to deliver something imperfect than to never deliver something perfected.
ReplyDeleteWell to somewhat make it up to you, I wrote a poem while troubleshooting hardware problems on a microway server. It's about strawberries. Although I must warn you that I'm better at prose then I am at poetry, and I'm terrible at prose. I call it
Ode to a Strawberry:
Thou sweetest and most loved,
fruit of soil and clay,
child of the most delicate and fragrant bud,
whose fair form is unravaged by time’s slow decay.
Of what should I compliment first?
Your supple skin under dew cover,
red and luscious in the sunlight
flesh both tender and firm.
Already you see my plight;
whether to admire or devour.
Under this exquisite pain, for you I yearn
In your pink and white interior
who's soft, gentle caverns caress my tongue.
In pleasure you have no competitor,
this I’ve known since quite young.
My first love, and my last
your inner depths I explore
to me there is no taste sweeter
than the taste I find at your core.
You’ve known others in the past,
this dissuades me not at all, for our love is greater
Oh but our time is brief
our moments together stolen from life’s short span,
I creep to you like a thief
I hope to meet you as a man.
From inside your beauty unfaded shines
with my ministrations we explode in delight
both fire imbibed upon ecstasy
we enter into unparalleled intimacy.
For your taste my lips ceaselessly pin
you bring a burst of light to my endless night
There was going to be a couple more stanzas, but I suck at poetry, and the server started throwing ram errors. So I had to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out which of the sixteen sticks it was.
I will be a happy horse if this story makes it to complete, its just so adorable.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWonderfull.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't rush yourself. Take your Time, We will be patient.
I don't understand why you don't love your own writings, they are absolutely amazing! Although the plot isn't as loopy and twisty as other stories are, this is one of the more fantastic stories I've read. Please continue this amazing story as it brings me much happiness for some reason.
ReplyDelete@Hellwyrm20
ReplyDeleteYes, I'll finish this story, at the very least Part 2. I even have a nascent idea for Part 3. Which is both good and bad because there are other stories I'd like to write after this one, and I don't want to start them while this one is in progress, since that would split my attention between the two. In addition we're about half way through part 2 right now, with another 3-6 chapters to go, depending on how frisky I'm feeling.
As to why I continually disparage my writing, I'll go with a metaphor. Imagine that you're in school, learning a subject you enjoy, history, english, math, what have you. You really like this subject, and do work hard to learn the material, paying attention in class, always doing the homework, studying for the tests, etc. However, no matter how much effort you put into the subject, you always get Cs. Now the rest of the students tell you there's nothing wrong with Cs, they're much preferable to Ds or even Fs. But you know that you're capable of getting As, you just have to want it hard enough. But no matter what you do, you always get a C.
That's pretty much me and my writing. I enjoy writing, I'm good at it. But I want to be great. And no matter how much effort I put into it, it's not enough. What I produce always fall short of what I know I'm capable of.
So that's why I don't love my writing. It's good, but not good enough.
Anyway, thanks for enjoying the story, and hopefully you'll stick around for the finale.
I think you've done a wonderful job with this story but the portrayal of Celestia in the latest chapter (2C) is... unexpectedly sublime. Very few authors can believably portray her as a powerful immortal who is nevertheless a warm and emotional being, particularly when employing an internal monologue.
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it.
@l0x0r dude no. Your writing is A grade material. Even though you may not be happy with it, it has gotten a 6 star rating on this website. That is a feat that only 5% of the stories on here have achieved. And I have been looking forward to your part 4 for weeks now and I woke up early this morning to read it! So know that honestly, the only person who thinks that your writing isn't up to snuff, if you! SO BE HAPPIER CAUSE YOUR STORIES ARE GREAT
ReplyDelete@l0x0r I think it's just your mind interpreting it as C level. I think the comparison would fit better using B's instead of C's, because that's more often the case for a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteI think your writing is at minimum A- level. Depending how you look at it, it could be A+ level too. The C's are mostly all in your mind.
Really, it's one of the best Twiluna fics I've read. Don't give up or lose heart writing it, please. But above all, don't stop worrying what your readers will think. If you keep worrying about it then you'll keep making an effort on it, and the result will be an excellent fic. So don't let 6 stars get to you and make you become overconfident or something.
Also, you should plan it out a bit more now. Don't plan it extensively, take 10 minutes to think what'll happen so you don't get caught without any ideas.
Many of the best writers are self critical. The thing is, once you have talent the only limit to your potential is the time you've had to experiment and the effort you take to ensuring quality. Because of this, you'll always look back at what you've accomplished and feel let down by it, because you know that you've learned from making it and are a better writer than you were when you started.
ReplyDeleteI've had an eye out for more of your story for weeks. Your characterization of Luna is incredibly believable and subtle, and fits very well with my perception of her actually being prone to dark emotions and jealousy. I love how Celestia finally takes charge of things in the latest chapter and am now very much looking forward to the conclusion of the tension you've built between Luna and Twilight.
Your characters are subtle and dynamic and authentic, and that's something you should be proud of.
If you find yourself dissatisfied with your work, let that spur you to keep writing and getting better, don't let it hold you back.
And if you're ever in need of an editor, I'd always be willing.
Very nicely done. I really do hope that this ends well; at this point only Twilight doesn't know what's going on, and she's not thinking about it, so there's a good chance that Luna's "deception" won't be taken too hard...
ReplyDeleteI'm strongly reminded of some of Twilight's stupid antics out of fear of losing her friends in the first season; Boast Busters and Green Isn't Your Color especially come to mind.
The awkwardness between then is absurdly adorable, and at "'So, study buddy, did you learn anything about love last night?'" I spewed the cup of water I was drinking across my screen.
@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteI think that a more accurate metaphor would be an artist who missed a single brushstroke in his masterpiece; no matter how many people tell him it's beautiful and can't even tell that there's a flaw, that single stroke is all he can see when he looks it the canvas. A good artist is always their own worst critic.
As the chapters go on I find myself enjoying this more and more. I love how you've written Celestia in this. I am indeed curious which route the shipping goes TwiLuna or Twilestia as I see valid cases for both.
ReplyDeleteGreat story, thank you for the update.
ReplyDeletel0x0r, as far as your self-criticism is concerned, let's take a look at your own metaphor. You talk about a school, so pretend that Equestria Daily is that school. There are a lot of students here, eagerly sending in their homework for grading. Except instead of having a teacher you have a faceless panel of judges, which is actually kind of terrifying, come to think about it.
Anyway, the grading system between both systems is perfectly analogous, we just use a different terminology. In the former, we use five letters to denote performance. In the latter we use five stars. Now you talk about getting 'C's in your scenario, but in real life your paper's been graded 'A+' (or Star-6, as we call it).
You're not the mediocre kid struggling to do well in school, you're that one little bastard who does so well all the other have to work extra hard not to look bad. And that is an awesome place to be.
By all means be self-critical. It's really the only way to improve. But just remember that as far as the faceless panel of judges is concerned, you're awesome.
A great fic, don't be hard on yourself! I can't wait for the next update!
ReplyDelete@Sindri
ReplyDeleteI hope you didn't literally spew water across your screen, and if so, I hope that it didn't have any long term adverse effects on your sensitive electronic equipment.
And to the rest of you who've commented, thank you for your kind words of support. Here's to hoping that the rest of the story will be better than what's already posted.
@Pyrite
ReplyDeleteIf you'd like to be one of my editors, it'd be great. The more eyes I can get to pre-read these chapters, the less errors and better they can be.
Well, it has been a while since last update... I almost confused it with another story (title), not sure why ?
ReplyDelete-----
>Luna lifted a hoof to her hair fearfully and asked, "It's not that bad, is it?"
>"It's worse actually," replied Twilight with a giggle permeating her voice.
-Ahh, ''bedhair'' (bedmane)... always a good thing for visual humor. :)
>I even tried to get the school to reschedule their classes to late afternoon and early evening instead of beginning so early in the morning."
-Ugggh, I remember the days where I had to get up at 6AM (to 8AM, depending on the classes)... I'm kinda glad this is long over.
>But just how many friends did Twilight Sparkle have? How many claims on her attention and time were there?
-Luna seems to really have a big problem with 'sharing', in that story ?
... and suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm thinking : Where's Owlicious ? A lot of stories also seem to forget his existence (not that I really mind, it's just something I observed) ?...
>bit into the perfectly prepared waffles in front of her. The remnants of her dark thoughts were wiped away by her surprise at how delicious they turned out to be.
-Waffles! : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDU0CTDMk2g
>But with love it's different. It can creep up on you, slowly building overtime, or it can suddenly spring on you.
>Twilight looked back at Luna with a blush. "And then to complicate things, there are different kinds of love; for family, for friends, for … lovers."
-FIFTY FEET TALL flaming letters !
Luna, surely, must be faking to not seeing it... or else this means she's blind or something. (being imprisoned for 1000years is hardly a good excuse, especially when it's THAT obvious.)
>"But why ever not, my dear princess? A pony with your poise, your grace, could be a trendsetter with only the barest of effort.
-Rarity is quite right. It worked well with the socks, after all. :)
>"Good afternoon, Buttercup, >Hello, Medley, that taffeta finally came in so I'll be able to put the finishing touches on little Orange Blossom's dress.
-So many background ponies that I have only ever heard once or never before now. Well... I suppose they must be used in a way or another, at some point ?
>Even before her banishment to the moon other ponies were finding her taste in togas a bit dated.
-Heh, toga.
Did you knew that there's NO picture of Luna wearing a toga ? (none that I was able to find at the moment, at least)
>Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur
-Found 3 translations :
''Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time''
''To love and be wise is scarcely granted even to a god.''
''Both Wisdom and Love are barely granted, even to God.''
>Thankfully though the Rainbow of Darkness had been defeated and buried in the sands of time.
-Oh ? Mmh, a little bit odd (or rather, uncommon) reference, maybe, but 'ok'.
>But the mental image of Luna being drunk made her want to laugh out loud.
-It's indeed a funny image... even more so that I JUST finished reading 'A drop of Moonshine' before this story. ;)
>"Well perhaps Princess Luna would be happier and less moody if somepony wasn't trying to turn her palace into a prison, and all of us into her jailors."
-She DOES have a really good point there.
>With all her heart Celestia hoped that the third possibility was the actual case.
-A bit of Option 2, and a hint of Option 3.
>but perhaps she should look into hiring more night owlish ponies to augment the number of ponies awake during the night hours.
-Just open a big nightclub in Canterlot's downtown, and hire DJ P0N-3 for it. I'm sure the place's success will be 'booming' in no time. :)
@Nova25(damn you 4096 characters limit !)
ReplyDelete>I have a confes some news to share
-Is it just me, or does this sentence sounds strange ?
Also, wouldn't it be ''to confess'' ?
>She is one of the most amazing She is (...)
-Is there a dot and/or some words missing there ?
-----
... Once more, I read a few words that I had never saw in my life before ...
... Also, having Celestia actually acting like a REAL thinking political figure (like with her decision regarding the Captain of the Guard), with details and everything, was an interesting and refreshing sight, really. (I must say that, all things considered, that side of Celestia's personality is rarely that well shown in other stories) ...
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm averaging about a month between updates, despite my best efforts. If it's not writer's block, it's one of my tri-monthly existential crises. Which are odd because I'm pretty much nihilistic, so I can only assume they're mislabeled absurdistic crises at best.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback on what you liked and didn't like.
As far as Luna's inability to pickup the hints Twilight's dropping, I find that some people are rather blind when it comes to things like that. Especially when they've been isolated for long periods of time, and they've adopted an outlook on life that in some ways is narcissistic and in others quite the opposite. In that they focus so much on themselves and others that they no longer have a frame of reference to conceive that someone could have feelings for them.
As for Luna's letter to Celestia, there were a few sentences which were struck out when I originally wrote it, signifying Luna's haste by having her start a thought, but then cross it out. But ff.net doesn't seem to like struck out lines, even when you go into the html of the document and edit it to include them.
Any I'm glad you like the Celestia part of the chapter. That's the half I really felt confident about. After a rule lasting over a thousand years, I would assume that she's a very smart and skilled political figure.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteI PMed your fanfiction account with an email address I can be reached at.
This is probably my favorite fic on EqD right now. You capture what I imagine Luna's personality to be very well which I find that a lot of authors have trouble with. I was definitely amazed with the amount of detail that you put into the part on AJ's farm, god knows I wouldn't be able to research/write all of that about apples. But the gigantic hints Twilight keeps dropping that are sailing a mile above Luna's head are bound to kill me...in a good way. Keep it up :).
ReplyDeleteWoah, loving these new chapters.
ReplyDeleteRainbow of Darkness? Isn't that a previous generation reference >:|
Hmmm, interesting.
Chapter 5 sent to the editors.
ReplyDeleteIt would have gone earlier, but I didn't want to send this chapter until it was good enough to be printed on the toilet paper of the Hasbro executive washroom. Not the junior executive washroom, the executive one. That aside, as usual, I think it sucks, hopefully you won't.
i love how griffon is used in place of french. i don't know why, but i do.
ReplyDeletelol I'm very happy this series is still going. Worth 5 stars
ReplyDeleteI simply love this story, I can't wait for the next chapter!
ReplyDeleteLuuuuna! Just tell her the truth! *dies*
ReplyDeleteThis story doesn't get enough attention. This is an awesome story and you should feel awesome! I'm glad you've got friends 'hounding' you about it, lol, I'd hate to see one of my favorite shipfics abandoned.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing, just so immersing. I love it.
ReplyDeleteFantastic story, impressive characterization, immersive story. Only wish it would update more often.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
Please tell me its not dead, please tell me its not dead...
ReplyDeleteIt's not dead.
ReplyDeleteFFFFFFFFFFF
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDelete*Jumps around in a circle* YES YES YES YES YES YES
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ReplyDeleteWith the update of Chapter 6 I really need to say I'm impressed with how well you've handled the situations between Twilight and Princess Luna as well as the scenes between Princess Luna and Fluttershy. I love how spot on each character is and the attention to detail of their quirks and mannerisms. 5/5!
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting for this for ages =D
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteYESSSSSS!!
Sorry for holding this up everypony. It took me a bit longer than expected to give it the attention it deserved, but I think the end product proves that it deserved it. I'll try to get the next one back to L0x0r more quickly.
ReplyDelete@Pyrite
ReplyDeleteare you the editor?
@Ben Gibson Yeah, I've been helping L0x0r edit and proofread the last two chapters, and plan to be on board for the next.
ReplyDelete@Pyrite
ReplyDeleteOh well nicely done! it's a great story. I've started editing fics recently, so I can respect how hard it can be, especially with chapters as long as this one has!
This is really good. I have high expectations for the ending.
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely wonderfully done! I can't wait for the next chapter. It is such an incredibly sweet story! :)
ReplyDelete@l0x0r
ReplyDeleteBest news I've had all day. Already said this on fanfiction.net but I'll say it again; love the story. Keep up the good work!
This fic is unbelievably good. Your prose style is of a quality that is rare in fanfiction. I loved every second of this update and I cannot wait for chapter 7. Keep up the amazing work!
ReplyDeleteSo, is this done? I can certainly see plot threads that were left unanswered, but it seems that the main storyline has been completed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the kind comments. They keep me warm at night.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, the fic isn't finished. We're about 2/3 of the way through it though.
Alright, actual comment stuff. I can totally do this. Maybe. Hold on.
ReplyDelete*creaks neck*
This is probably the best-paced shipping story I know of. The only other one that comes close is Composure, which still amounts to high praise (in my opinion).
Your ability to draw out the feelings growing between Twi and Luna is nothing short of masterful. I get, in the back of my head, the voice going KISSKISSKISSKISSKISS, but it isn't ever overwhelming or irritating. It is only anticipatory. That, I think, is the key to a good pure-shipping story. Not that I would necessarily call this 'pure' shipping, since it has a lot of character growth in it beyond that, but it's essential purpose remains clear.
My point is: ALL OF MY YES.
Also.
MORE.
The most epic moment is when you've waited a while for a fanfic to update, accidentally forget about it, remember it months later and its updated :D
ReplyDeleteIt has been a while, since I read the previous part... remember some of it still, hopefully enough.
ReplyDelete-----
CH.5 ...which is part 2d ? :
>They did say that it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
-This is a highly debatable ‘philosophical expression’, I would tend to say...
>Her amaranthine eyes
-...? *1 Google later* ...ahh, kinda purple-ish color.
You really seem to aim for some of the most exotic words, aren’t you ? ;)
>Luna appeared as she normally did. Just plain, simple, not exotic like her sister
-Ah yes... Pre-‘Luna Eclipsed’ Luna. ...I wonder, if the story will be slightly updated with the newer episodes, as the chapters/parts go on ?
>She would tell Twilight the truth; she just needed time to prepare herself.
-Ohh, I see where this is going. A ‘’classic’’ : ‘Luna will finally be ready to tell Twilight, but as she’s going to do it, we discover that Twilight (painfully) learned the truth shortly before that’.
>It's one of those laws of physics that nopony can break, I know, I've tried.
-Well, she can break or alter virtually any laws with her Quantum Powers... I’m sure she just doesn’t use them on ‘Parties’, as a personal rule, since parties are so special to her.
>"Well, I guess since we can't go home in this weather
-Well, couldn’t Luna simply have cast some sort of minor shield to protect them from the rain, temporarily ?
-Many stories tend to severly minimize (or just forget) the magic stuff unicorns and/or alicorns should be able to do... sometimes with a purpose, usually not.
>"Don't worry, Mrs. Cake, we won't let any baked bads get out this time."
-Come on ? It ONLY ever happened once, as far as we all know... and it wasn’t exactly directly her fault anyway.
>"Maybe today is the day that Twilight Sparkle will be able to make something sweet, something edible, something unquestioningly non-sentient."
>Luna looked at her quizzically. "Wait, what was that?"
-I’m also rather curious. Did she created a sentient bubblegum (guess the reference) ?
@Nova25
ReplyDelete>"You wouldn't by chance read dictionaries for fun?
-Does the author read the dictionary too ? ;)
>What if an extra large egg only equals one and a half small eggs? I can't find an egg conversion chart anywhere in this stupid book.
-Heh, egg conversion... definitely a ‘Twilight reaction’. ;)
>I probably would have just continued to squeeze until it had collapsed into a singularity."
-Making singularities out of lemons... well, that would have been a fascinating phenomenon to observe. ;)
>"It tastes like magenta," Pinkie cheerfully informed them.
-Hmm ? They apparently inadvertently made drug ?
>and we can call them 'surprise cupcakes,' and they can literally explode with flavor!
-And later, they will be repurposed as weapons for the Equestrian Army.
>"Yes it was. And despite how it ended, I'm glad that my first time was with you."
-Baking made aaaaaawkward.
>I wish I could help her, but Ponyville ordinance 11 subsection 1 says I can't decorate cookies, even with adult supervision.
-Seems like one of those stupid/silly forgotten laws that sometimes exist... Like, ‘’Can’t eat pudding after 22:00, on a Friday’’ (I heard that one somewhere).
>The maitre de reappeared and interrupted their conversation.
-The maitre de... what ? (missing word ?)
>Luna was unsure of where to begin with the high calorie meal.
-...high... calorie ? Is the sunflowers, sprouts or the sandwich itself are deep-fried or something ? It’s like saying that eating lots of (only) celery makes you fat.
>"Oh, excuse me. I believe that my body is attempting to inform me that it's time to rest.
-I don’t exactly know why, but this sentence sounds mildly amusing to me... makes me think of a joke.
-----
It was a good, though quite long part... but... I have to say that it may have felt, at some point, like there was maybe (a lot) a bit too much ‘’padding’’ in this part.
(I think google ate my comment ?)
ReplyDeleteCH.6 - 2e :
>I mean, you're a princess, and I'm nopony special."
-Well, Fluttershy is forgetting that she’s one of the unique and only 6 bearers of the Elements of Harmony currently existing... That, and she helped saving the world, twice... and stared down a cockatrice and a dragon...
Let’s just say that, if for one thing to not be ‘shy’ off, it’s her current track record. :)
>the larger predators usually star far away
-‘’stay’’, maybe ? (small error)
>Though I have had to give a stern talking to some of them, a few grumpy lions, and tigers, and bears.
-I know the goal is to list potential predators, but... lions and tigers ? Don’t they live in much hotter climates, like in savannah and jungles ? (in MLP:FiM, I would think they would live more like closer to the Zebra lands).
Even though the Everfree Forest is big and dark, and with a wild weather, it’s still a forest... not really a jungle. Just saying.
>Fluttershy, you seem like you know much about friendhip.
-‘’friendship’’ (small error)
>"… So then I say, 'Topaz, are you crazy?'"
-Heh. Adapted from Pinky Pie. ;)
...Spike and Angel talking about stuff... My Little Pets: ‘something’ is Magic.
>She could swear that the yellow pegasus knew that the situation she'd outlined earlier wasn't hypothetical at all.
-Yeeeeah... ‘’hypothetically, a friend and her friend’’... HOW could she have figured this out ? ~It is a mystery~ ;)
>Twilight was heedless of Luna's presence; far too engrossed in the dozens of unrolled scrolls she had fanned out before her
-Heeeeeeh... had seen this coming a MILE away, honestly. Signs were obvious... and it’s a ‘’classic’’ thing to use.
>They were all from Celestia, and judging by the disarray the room was in, as if Twilight had ransacked it in search of them
-Oh... THOSE scrolls... ... ...mmh... Well, whatever... I guess that would have been too obvious, anyway ?
>Sadly she murmured, "You've been left alone for far too long, haven't you?"
-You know... this is actually a sentence that I find especially, mmh?, ‘fascinating’.
This (and the rest of the scene) is, I would say, a particularly interesting part of the story.
... Amor caecus est - Love is blind... Mmh ? ...
>Perhaps the old soldier had decided to treat retirement like removing a bandage, best ripped away quickly in order to avoid a lingering pain.
-‘’A new challenger has appeared !’’... I have some theories, but I will wait.
-----
Well, personally, I found this ‘Part’ a bit more easy to read through than the previous one. Luna was quite interesting too, but I think it was how the scenes with Fluttershy and Twilight went(unfolded?) that made this part great.
Sorry it's taking so long to get the next chapter out. I've changed jobs from a junior unix admin to a junior hpc admin, and it's been pretty nuts. I work 10-14 hour days, and in my copious free time I've been learning c and fortran. In addition to that, I'm not really feeling this next chapter. I don't know, something seems off.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'll keep at it, and hopefully it sucks less than I think it does.
Seems like we have to wait then...
ReplyDeleteyes oh god yes update
ReplyDeleteO Sweet babby jeebus it updated :D im going to read this when i get home from work
ReplyDeleteChapter 7, what a crazy chapter. Must have been horrendous to edit if it was close to around 60k words in revisions. But on the plus side, the chapter has much of the same great quality as the rest.
ReplyDeleteI was most interested in the switches between moods for all parts of the story. Not to mention Luna's excessive gratitude towards Twilight. Been there, done that.
Oh wow i just finished reading chapter 7 so good.
ReplyDeleteBut ending on a cliffhanger like that is not cool :P
Now i just cant wait for the next chapter to come out.
I just hope that it doesn't take as long as it did with this one
Dear me, l0x0r. This might just be one of my favourite stories in the fandom.
ReplyDeleteI think I have finally decided upon a word to describe your prose style, and that word is beautiful. You take such evident pleasure in describing the world with such elegance and emotion that it's just a pleasure to read. As terrible and as selfish as it sounds, 20k word chapters just don't feel long enough when reading your work.
At the risk of sounding rather 'narmy', I really relate to Luna and her feelings, particularly around Twilight. It's vivid and it's real, and I really enjoy that.
And then, to make things even better, you included a LOTR shout-out, so for that you get double my love.
Finally, however, I have a question. Have you considered posting this on fimfiction? Actually, scratch that. Lets change that to a plea; can you please, please, for the love of well written fiction, please post this to fimfiction? I need another medium to shower my love for this story, and I would be ecstatic to see its readership increase.
As always, I cannot wait for an update. Godspeed to you, my friend. I look forward to whatever you have waiting for us around the corner.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHH aaaaaa I need the next chapter! That cliff hanger is far to gripping!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Ragneki5880
ReplyDeleteOh, I assure you it was quite painful to edit. Especially the parts I had to leave out. It's always painful to take something out, even if you know it's absolutely awful.
Hopefully the mood changes seemed natural and not too forced. I wouldn't want Luna to seem bipolar.
Anyway, thanks for leaving a comment.
@razzor65
Sorry about leaving it on a cliffhanger. This and the next chapter were supposed to be just a single chapter, but it got so large that I felt I should post at least the half I had written.
@Mystic
I've had a few people try to describe my writing, I believe most were along the lines of shallow and pedantic. Thank you for your compliment.
As far as the length is concerned. I find that I look back over a chapter and say to myself, "that's it? All they did was wake up, eat breakfast, go visit a friend, and explore some ruins. How did you spend so many words on so little?"
Ah well. At least my characterizations seem engaging.
Thanks to you being the fourth, or maybe tenth person asking about me posting this on fimfiction, I've decided that I will be posting it there. However, I think that I'll hold off on that for a while, until we're closer to the end of the story. I'm not too eager to have three sites full of readers upset over my lengthy update schedule.
Thank you for reading, and here's to hoping that what's coming is as good, if not better than what's been posted.
@Nintyuk
I know that feel bro. Sorry, I try not to end on cliffhangers just because of that feel, but I had to this time. I'll stop typing and get to work on the next chapter though.
Well, it has been quite a while since last update. I still remember the big things/details (I think), but may have forgotten the smaller stuff ?
ReplyDeletePart 2f subsection 1 ? ...what kind of chapter identification is this ? Anyway.
-----
Part 2f su--...
Chapter 7 :
>Her mouth was parted slightly in a small and softly enigmatic smile, which revealed the tips of her front teeth, as well as the occasional fleeting glimpse of her tongue as she breathed in and out.
-I have to question the need to add that kind/level of detail ; just because her mouth is open, I mean ?
...The tip of her teeth ? Glimpses of her tongue as she breathes ? Well, it might interest the dentists, maybe. ;)
>Twilight's half-lidded eyes examined Luna's >"Your mane's all messy."
-Bed-manes are always adorable for some reasons. ;)
>"Nothing that would require baking of course, just something easy and non-combustible."
-Cereals are non-combustible, right ? ...Right ? (reference)
>"Yeah, I don't think that mustard is much of a breakfast food either,"
-Well... mmh, could do a mustard-honey glazing for the slices of apple, I suppose ? (yes, I’m checking the list of ingredients, trying to figure out something to eat ;) )
... The section with Zecora (for the most part) is a pretty calm(serene?) and interesting moment, I have to say ...
>It wasn't like Luna really wanted her ant Twilight to become
-Her ‘’ant’’ Twilight ? Is there an error there ? ...’’and’’, maybe ?
>Strange ponies I've seen of late in this wood
-Somehow, I think I may know who one of them might be.
>And over her stood Blue Blazer, the captain of the royal guard.
-Heh... ‘’I have been expecting you, ‘’former’’ captain’’. ;)
>"It's an inhibitor. It's designed for unicorn prisoners
-‘’Huh... dude... It’s a princess-goddess. Not really your average unicorn, let’s just say.’’ (my thought, at that moment)
Even if it could partially work on her, she would surely be able to break it with not that much effort... ... ...if she actually tried, that is...
>"You're only delaying the inevitable, Nightmare Moon," Blue Blazer called out from above.
-Almost sounds like one of those end-game chase scenes, just before fighting the boss.
>Luna didn't notice when the inhibitor ring broke and fell from her horn, sparks of energy leaping between the shattered and scorched flakes.
-Honestly, I’m a tiny bit surprised that the author actually considered Luna’s power relative to the device’s ability to block magic.
...a tiny-tiny bit, of course. :)
>Happily, Luna turned in order to run to her friend, but as she did so, a crack ripped through the air. The rope holding the bridge violently broke under Twilight's weight.
-Wait... what just happened ? Can’t be a trick from Blazer, he’s incapacitated at the moment...
Reverse ‘’deus-ex-machina’’, that the bridge conveniently broke at that moment ? (last time RD fixed it, it seemed pretty ‘ok’ for the whole group)
>she rolled, trying to protect Twilight from the impact, and then they hit the river at the bottom of the chasm.
-Noes ! Luna ! Surely, her high-level of magic energy and her special status will prevent her from the worst..? ...and Twilight, which is in her protective ‘’arms’’.
-----
Well, still quite a good story, I say.
Good moment with Zecora, relatively interesting chase scene with Blaze, and a good choice for the details (though, maybe describing what can be seen from a half-open mouth is not really ‘that’ necessary).
@l0x0r Shallow and pedantic? Well to each *cough* philistines *cough* their own, I guess. If it means anything to you at all, I adore it.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait till you post it on fimfiction (you made my day saying you would post it there)!
Keep up the amazing work. I await it eagerly!
I am really enjoying my re-read of your story. I also want to say you have enough noodle incidents to make a very nice pasta. It is very funny, in my opinion. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDelete@Nova25
ReplyDeleteThanks for the in-depth review as usual. Perhaps I did go overboard in detail about Twilight's teeth, but I'd like to think that if I were truly in love with someone, every part of them would be precious and worthy of imprinting on my memory. But that's just me.
Well, chapter 7 was pretty insane... Fantastic job with that!
ReplyDeleteAnd so begins the wait for the next part. Can't wait to see what this goes.
not going a day by were I don't check atleast if this have updated.
ReplyDeleteCould the Author possible upload this to http://www.fimfiction.net to keep tracking easier and get more Readers, there are quite a few Groups who handle this Story as the best romance based TwiLuna Story and after Chapter 6 pure Tearjerker moments I can only agree.
I also liked the fact that in the first 6 Chapters you had Princess Luna interact with the other Mane 6 and made her Part of some typical activities that she can experience sometimes together with Twilight and Bond with the others.
Will these Bonds with the M6 reappear in later Chapters to help Twilight & Luna along in their beginning Relationship?
@Karg
ReplyDeleteWell, it'll be a while until the next update. I haven't even finished the rough draft yet due to a lot of job related things.
Thanks to many requests, I've decided to post this to fimfiction starting next update. Hopefully that will make your tracking life easier.
As far as the relationships Luna's built up with the other ponies, if I'm a good writer, then they should reappear later on. So, I guess we'll see, since it would be poor writing to simply build these relationships and not go anywhere with them. Although, that implies this story is actually going anywhere.
@l0x0r Glad to see this stories not dead, this was one of the first fanfics I read and helped me get into the fandom, its still by far one of my favourites to date, can't wait for the next update, keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI get that you don't want to post this to fimfiction right now. However, I'd have to ask you again, since I read fanfic on my nook. To get it to epub, I go through a 2 minute process for each chapter, and it still has formatting issues. If I get something from fimfiction, I can download a perfectly formatted epub of all the chapters in 10 seconds flat.
ReplyDeleteIs this Story on Hiatus?
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to be specific I just would like to know if you plan to work on it till the End of the Year at least.
I don't want to add this to my Pile of brilliant but never finished stories it would be a shame for all its achieved, 6 Star on EqD is no small feat and numerous mentions across Fimfiction and I know atleast 4 Authors on there who got inspired and picked up writing because of this Story.
Of course any kind of Real Life problems or work comes first, I can't really help in case of writers block its a phase it comes and goes.
However if you do not continue because you think you are to far off on "Canon" or other such nonsense. It's a TwiLuna Story I would think nobody who reads it expects it to stay true to Canon that hardly works with Shipping Fic's anyway, not to say that Shinning Armor makes an excellent panicked Overprotective older Brother for Twilight. *hint hint*
What you have is something quite unique though excellent Characterization and Scenarios that are written like they could be straight from the Show. Chapter 6 to date still has a huge emotional impact on me. I cannot even describe how amazing that Chapter was.
What brings me to my next Point, Stories need to progress, it would be quite boring if nothing ever happened so for the sake of simplicity conflict(either emotional or World Setting) = progress. Your Story is one of the unique few who work without having an actual Villain as Plot Setting so unless it was planned from the beginning don't try to force a Villain in.
Progress here can be achieved by portraying the growing Relationship in different kind of stages and have them face difficult times and Happy times together what also Helps is that you already build these Bridges for the different Characters in this case Princess Luna by having her simply interact with the others of the Mane6 in awesome ways so that they stay true to their Character which is surprisingly seldom done I feel.
This got a bit long I feel, I am sorry for my English its not my main language hope I got my points across.
@KargNo, this isn't on hiatus. I'm just very, very, very slow. Thanks to being short staffed at work, I don't have enough time during the week to write, and on most weekends I'm busy doing stuff around the house that I should have done during the week.
ReplyDeleteIt also doesn't help that I'm an inconsistent writer. Some weeks go by and I haven't written a single word. Then on the opposite end of the spectrum I've been known to write six thousand words in one day.
In addition it doesn't help that this update was supposed to be short and sweet, quickly following after that last cliff-hanger. Yet somehow it's sprawled into I believe the second longest chapter thus far.
I assure you, so long as I have breath in my body, I will finish this story. Although it might take a long time, and at the end I'll be the only one reading the final chapter. It will be finished.
@l0x0rDon't worry, I'll be reading the final chapter as well even if I have to wait a 1000 years for it!
ReplyDeleteYou know... it freaks the hell out of me when I check this this morning because I was going to make a forum post about how I'm saddened by all of the stories I loved from early in the fandom that have fallen by the wayside... and then it updates a few hours later.
ReplyDeleteGreat to see it back, though.
I did a bit of a double take looking at the 'Story Updates' post. It's nice to see this gem again.
ReplyDeleteAfter spending the night reading the newest chapter I clearly forgot how intensely the characters consider their emotions. I would not have thought of the many self reflections and soul searching ideas that they have, not to mention the connotations of them.
I will watch for this on FIM Fiction.
Ooook. Took me a good moment, and checking the end of the previous chapter, plus my last comment, to remember the main details AND the context of *this* story...
ReplyDeleteI read too many stories, I think. Plus, the fact that it has been a LONG while doesn't help.
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2f sub-2 or something... (CH.8) :
>"You'll always need me, Luna. So I'll always be here, waiting in the dark.
-Go for a ''symbiotic'' relationship. *shrug*
Luna is/has to be the dominant one, but Nightmare Moon can still 'exist' through her by lending/unlocking her extra amount of power, when needed.
Everypony win, kinda... though, it didn't quite work for Spiderman.
>Perhaps she would never be as strong as Celestia without giving herself to Nightmare Moon, but with friends, she didn't need to be the strongest.
-Synergy, Go !
>"That's alright, just be more considerate of other pony's feelings next time," the unicorn chastised her.
-For some reasons, I find this sentence strangely 'annoying' ?
>At least there were two ponies who weren't misconstruing Luna's and Twilight's relationship.
-Yeah... 2 more ponies who haven't yet seen the 30ft letters on FIRE !
>It seems like we haven't had time to talk to one another in quite a while, and I'd like to make sure that you're doing alright, Luna."
-Translation : Oh oh ! Spaghetti-O !
>"I want to be though. I want to be so badly. But I have such dark thoughts sometimes.
-Don't we all do ?
>It wasn't even as if Twilight had exactly announced it to the world.
-That '30Ft sign on fire' says otherwise.
>"It is kind of obvious," Applejack agreed
-JUST ''kind of'' ? These ponies need glasses.
>Twilight would have felt honored to have been chosen to be so interment with her.
-(small error) ''Interment'' ? Surely you meant something like 'intimate', right ?
Because... Interment : The act or ritual of interring or burying (usually a dead being, you know)... doesn't seem right here.
>But it was only Applejack, sleeping peacefully, but kicking her hind legs in a subliminal buck every once in a while.
-... ... ...AJ really needs a hobby. -_-
>Pinkie was abruptly cut off by an orange hoof firmly planted in her mouth.
>Luna could hear Applejack inform Pinkie, "You can quit licking my hoof.
-Soooo... Does she taste like orange ? ;)
>"Visit historic Ponyville: A wonderful place to live!"
-They should have said ''An eventful place''. ;)
>Pinkie and rarity were both smiling
-Bah, very minor, but Rarity's name isn't capitalized here.
>Luna smiled happily and cheerfully replied, "Oh, Twilight, I love you too!"
>"I love all my friends, very much," Luna continued.
-*Boot to the Head* at the screen : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73KBozIDcbo
Seriously ? ...annoying.
>Her words were echoing in her mind, and suddenly it was as if a vital connection had been made in her brain.
-You mean the connection that the author MUST have FORCIBLY cut, because no one would be THAT oblivious to the realities of the damn world !
It's so badly 'cliché', it hurts. -_-
>sometimes she just doesn't realize stuff that's obvious to everypony else."
-...this seems to be the *recurrent theme* of this story, honestly. -_-
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Well, it was certainly quite a LONG part, but it was pretty interesting and enjoyable to read... until near the end, where it crumbles a bit, where one of the most annoying 'cliché' I know is used -_-.
CH.9 : (Long comment for a LONG chapter, sadly.)
ReplyDelete>she couldn't simply stand by and see her sister sow the seeds for a great pain in her future.
>Celestia never wanted her sister to feel pain such as that.
-Of course, 'immortal beings' have to be ''immortally sad and alone for AAAAAAAALL of the foreseeable Eternity''... absolutely !
This kind of ''philosophy'', I find it dumb and irritating. Quite so.
Apparently, love is for those who die... how charming of a view, from this ''wise'' alicorn. -_-
>Celestia knew she had to warn Luna, to guide her sister away from it and hopefully toward the happiness long denied her.
-Is it the 'Day of contradictions' or something ? She want to *FORCE*(whatever how she sugarcoat her words) her sister to an 'ETERNAL LIFE' of loneliness, solitude, and exempt of love !
That's not exactly what someone would call ''guiding toward happiness''.
>Celestia knew she had to warn Luna, to guide her sister away from it and hopefully toward the happiness long denied her.
-So, let's all never experience ANY feelings 'foreeeeeeveeeer!', and become emotionless soulless metallic constructs !
>Celestia watched as Luna's mind began to digest the idea, and began to logically examine all the future scenarios her friendship with Twilight could pursue.
-Oh yeah... logic, greeeeeat logic there... It's all fine to experience 'friendship' with mortals who will eventually die, but not 'love', oh nooooooo.
Losing a loved one is terrible and absolutely horrible, yeah, but having your best friend in the world die... pffff, nothing big there, right ? She's totally not ALSO gonna suffer from that loss too. -_-
Now... where do I click to reboot the logic sub-system of Celest-robot-AI-9000 again ? I think it's broken... or using Windows Millennium.
-Oh, don't get me wrong, I get that Celestia would want to protect Luna from a potential (and FUTURE) painful loss, but... She's still gonna lose someone dear to her heart either way !
And Celestia is putting so much effort and energy into *hammering* down on Luna that 'losing Twilight as a loved one would suck a lot', in such pervasive and sneaky ways, while she COMPLETELY disregard that it will ''suck'' almost just as much to lose Twilight as a 'best friend' in 60-80years, that it's starting to disgust me a bit.
>"I'm sorry Luna. I know that it can be a bit jarring, but it's best to think of these things now, to make sure that you don't hurt yourself in the future."
-Oh yeah, by that ''flawless'' logic, it would be better to just die now than to risk suffering later in life until our unavoidable death... great... -_-
I'm rolling my eyes to so much, since Celestia started talking, that I think one might pop off soon !
>I had not considered ... that. I was just thinking about ..." She trailed off as she once more turned her attention to the issue of Twilight Sparkle's eventual death.
-Fantastic... Now, instead of focusing on loving Twilight, on making her happy and being happy herself for all the time passed with her, she's always gonna think of when Twilight will die... souring every moments of peace together.
Celestia, Destroyer of Happiness !
>I'm afraid. I'm sorry, Luna. We're not like other ponies
-''That's right. We are soulless creatures with no right to truly love or be loved, only existing to ''live'' eternally and govern and see the world wither, die and turn to ashes beneath our hooves.''
Sunshine and puppies, right ?
@Nova25
ReplyDelete>we can't simply live for the moment as they do. We must always think of the future.
-Future of perpetual solitude and misery, yes ? I think she forgot that ''eternal life'' is also ''life''... composed of ''MOMENTS'' too !
Is it just me, or did Celestia became even dumber than a sack of rocks, since last chapter ?
>Besides which, who are we, Luna, to decide which ponies live longer than they should, while letting other ponies die? We're princesses, not goddesses."
-Oh wow... Two folds there :
1) How about at least giving the option to Twilight ? What, she doesn't get to have 'free will' in this matter or something ?
2) Huh... wasn't it established that they are (essentially) virtually eternal (living for many-many thousands of years, minimum), for all intents and purposes ? Where the heck does ''We're princesses, not goddesses.'' comes from ? This seems out-of-place.
>It simply is what it is, and we must learn to live with it."
-By not actually giving even the distant glimpse of a chance to ''live it'' in the first place. Yes. Logic. -_-
Gods that this is starting to annoy and irritate me.
>"Remember that ponies, no matter how important they are, will come and go, but Equestria will always be here, and no matter what, Equestria will always rely on us.
-She DOES know that Equestria is ''made'' from these same mortal ponies LIVING in it, right ? ...right ?
Remove them and you have a pretty bland and mostly static 'hard surface'. Not something exactly worth ruling.
>She didn't regret the talk, it was better to have a shock of pain now, rather than let it fester, and become even more painful years later.
-Huhhh ? Ok, one, Celestia is now a monster. Two, yeah, now it's gonna fester NOW instead of later ! Great job ''genius'' !
>No matter the outcome of their friendship, whether they remained lifelong friends, became lovers, or even, somehow, bitter enemies, Luna would watch Twilight grow old and fade away, while time would leave her nearly unscathed.
-Exactly. So live life, your life with her, to the fullest ! Live and remember every moments of joy and happiness you will find with her, develop your friendship, love if you can ; For she will not be there forever... instead of keeping everything as dead and sterile as the ''surface'' of the Sun.
>The the shadows pervading the room
-Small error.
... Suddenly, one long ''intermission'' about farming and railroads ? Simcity ? ...
>In truth, Luna didn't have any real reason for her slight, inexplicable resentment she felt for Celestia.
-No reason ? ...no... reason ? At all ? Seriously ? For real there, without joking ? Dear gods this is stupid...
>Wwith only a moment's hesitation
-Small error.
>"So, which of these future did you choose?"
>"Neither. I tried to compromise.
>You what?!" Celestia asked with a laugh of disbelief.
-You need to have a kidney removed.
''Celestia : Live or Die with all. Luna : How about living with just one ? Celestia : No! You keep both OR you MUST die ! No compromise ! No grey area unless I say so ! My will is absolute !! *Mad laughter*''
>In matters such as these, there isn't always a clear answer that's better than the others."
-But with 'love', ooooooh no, one must be sterile and die alone, isn't that right Celestia ?
>"It doesn't matter what I think I would have done in your position. I wasn't there, and it wasn't my decision to make. Your solution isn't bad, it isn't good, it's simply yours.
-Honestly, I laughed there. This is getting so ''comical'' in a kinda stupid way, with Celestia. She really comes out as a double-standard, double-faced ass right now.
@Nova25
ReplyDelete>Twilight shook her head in amusement. Obviously Spike had been seeing things, and reading a deeper meaning than really existed in her and Luna's relationship.
-An elderly blind pony on its death bed would have been able to SEE it, for Pete's sake !
>Was she just some lonely hydrogen trying vainly to attach itself to Luna's noble gold?
-I love science, and I applaud this analogy.
>"A hundred and ten percent," Rainbow Dash said eagerly.
-Would have been funnier, if she had said ''120%''.
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I know it's not a laughing matter, but seriously... was the author depressed, when he wrote Celestia this last chapter ? Just pushing things a bit more, and I would have been ready to swear than 'this' Celestia was in fact a Robot with nihilistic beliefs implemented in her soulless and emotionless carcass. What. The. Heck ?
Oh, the chapter itself was... interesting... Like hearing on the History channel about the reign of a tyrannical monster before being beheaded by the vengeful population.
That's not the calm and UNDERSTANDING Celestia I remember from previous chapters.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I am in fact am a robot with nihilistic beliefs wired into the circuitry which makes up my soulless and emotionless carcass. Perhaps I let a little too much of that slip out in this chapter.
But, the way I was trying to go, was that Celestia had in fact fallen in love with a mortal pony in the distant past, after Nightmare Moon had been banished to the Moon, and had watched them die.
From this perspective, Celestia has a flawed frame of reference, being that it is better to never love, than to have loved and lost. She wants to be a good sister, and steer Luna away from the pain that she herself has felt in the past.
We are all of us flawed, even Celestia.
At least, that's where I was going with it.
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy the later chapters more than this one.