[Comedy] Fully revised and updated, with more chapters.
Author: ROBCakeran53
Description: A old Stallion relives his past, telling the tall tail of how he saved Ponyville with a strange metal carriage. What is it? And more importantly, how did it come to exist in Equestria? Time for another Human in Equestira story! I'm sure you all just love OC's.Divergent Days (All Chapters)(New 11+12)
Additional Tags: Human in Equestria
55 comments:
FIRST!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have always wanted to do that.
Ponies without a deviant art account can't read Chapter 3 :(
ReplyDeleteLook at my pony, my pony's amazing!
ReplyDeleteSilly Seth, Spike isn't a pony.
ReplyDeleteHow about human girl in Equestria? lol
ReplyDeleteSick of humans in equestria!
ReplyDeleteare these missing the prereaders or something?
ReplyDeleteIs it bad that all I did was read the comments :3
ReplyDeleteCan we get some alternate source for #3? I can't see it.
ReplyDeleteIt is human in Equestria, but that shouldn't mean you have to give it immediately a 1 star rating without reading it. It isn't even that bad and the human actually reacts quite believable and the ponies stay a lot more in character than in other "human in Equestria" stories. I gave it 5 stars although that was mostly to counter the 1 star rating by those who haven't read it.
ReplyDeleteLots of knee-jerk 1 star ratings?
ReplyDeleteWhat's with the 1-star ratings? Geez. Actually read the thing. I did, and though there are a few grammar errors (mostly swapping tenses), the story itself is fantastic. If you don't like human-in-equestria and aren't willing to read it, stay the heck out of the ratings. /rant
ReplyDeleteCome on, don't give one star ratings without even reading it. That isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteTo know that some people here down vote stories just because they don't like the premise disgusts me. I have yet to read it so I won't be voting, but when I do it will be a fair vote and not a knee-jerk reaction.
ReplyDeleteEr... Chapter 3 fail...
ReplyDeletehttp://pastebin.com/2tcecY39
ReplyDeleteCHAPTER THREE
I've always wanted to say this:
ReplyDeleteHello, author here.
Ohh, that felt cool. Anyway well I can't argue with the "I hate human in Equestria" bla bla bla, its going to happen so if they don't like it then so be it. We all have our own preferences. I'd like to thank you who have actually read it and find it appealing. To the grammar, yes I do have a "problem" with tensing. I don't know why, and unfortinutely I don't have a pre-reader so I'm trying my best. If someone has the time and can point them out I will gladly fix them. And about the chapter 3, sorry I didn't realize if you don't have a DA account you can't read it. I'll take the block of it, I just have some language in it is all.
Human in Equestria stories aren't bad when they're not blatant self-insertion "Mary Sue" type characters. As much fun as I think it would be to meet the ponies in person (horrible alliterative pun, I'm sorry), I don't do self-insertion. Did it once, hated it, never again. That said, cute story...
ReplyDeleteWell thank goodness I'm not doing self insert. When I do write a story, I will on occasion give my characters one or two traits that I share, as with Kurt being a Automotive guy. And of course, I love "Sea of Love" by Frisco. Amazing song, but that's beside the point. I don't want to overload a character with so many different things but I try and give something that I know, so I can be informative on the topic.
ReplyDeleteI have read a few "self insert" stories. And usually they aren't good. I did find one about Halo, and amazingly he did it. I don't know how, but he did.
@ROBCakeran53
ReplyDeleteNice job so far! I'm really looking forward to updates on this story. Also, I'm pretty good at proofreading, so when I have time I'd be willing to help you with finding all the little grammar flubs.
@ActionScripter9109
ReplyDeletethanks! I really appreciate it! If all works out I will be updating every few days.
I didn't like how it is written. It seems like going through a laundry list. The flow seems. I dunno, erratic? Halting? 'Here's AJ, now on to Dash, now human, now Dash...' Heck, you even said that. Also, tense issues. Tense issues. Always past tense. Some word confusion as well.
ReplyDeleteFluttershy would be hectic to help a wounded creature, no matter what (even if it wasn't an emergency, remember Philomena?) and probably would be more apt to run to Applejack's rather then leisurely stroll there. But other than that, the rest seemed pretty spot on. Kudos.
The reactions of the ponies and human are MUCH better then most HiE stories I've read, by far! But why is the human so accepting of being hidden without a reason? Even one as lame as 'other ponies would be afraid.' Heck, that's not even a lame reason, to be honest, but I'd have asked for one.
Pinkie and Rarity. Why were they there except to round out the Mane 6? They could have been introduced later but I can see wanting to get the Mane 6 out of the way ASAP. Still, I would have put off completing the bunch till the human was more settled.
It started out haltingly, picked up some really good momentum but by the end, I felt the ponies and human were getting being, I dunno, too close? I don't think anyone would have had a complete mental breakdown but some more hesitation on the human's part to accept talking ponies and maybe some more guarded reactions from the ponies would have added some.
This is all my personal thoughts, though, and I'm a bad writer. As an aside, self-insert can be well done, but it takes a really good writer to pull it off. Usually, it's, eh, not very good. This has promise, self-insert or no (you said no, so no), please keep at it. Watch those tenses and this'll be fine. I'm giving it a 3/5. Not GREAT, but really not at all bad. A good 'above average.' Sorry.
Anon from just above here, scratch out that first sentence. I have no idea why I wrote that. Yes I do, i wrote that while reading Chapter 2. Ignore it.
ReplyDeleteokay
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteTHERE WE GO! Thank you, this is the main reason I wanted this up on ED! Criticism!
Ok, first about the "Laundry List" style. I read it again and I do agree. Its just I get slammed back and fourth about making it either "too laxed, using ",'s" or as you pointed out. So I'm in a loose loose, so I try to mix it up using both styles where I feel appropriate. And yes I pointed out tensing. I AM SORRY *tear*
Now that's odd. I did think I had Fluttershy seeming more going to help the creature, then the word "Dragon" is mentioned which startles her making her more cautious. Oh well, I'll keep working on it.
Well, I can't really explain why I have Kurt so accepting to the fact of being hidden. I guess I just plainly didn't think more about it. His character is slowly being flushed out in this story, so he seems timid at first (because he's around strangers) but as time goes on his true nature will show its self. Plain and simple; he's a loon!
Rarity and Pinkie Pie. Yes, I did kinda just throw them in. I thought I had it seeming like they were just out hanging around and then stumbled upon Kurt's Blazer. That was to move the story ahead, causing them to get it hidden into the barn.
Now about them all "getting along". It should only appear that Kurt is the one really getting along. Its just the kind of person he is. The other ponies are still slightly hesitant around him. Kurt's mental breakdown is just Kurt being himself. Suppose to be over dramatic.
And I appreciate the 3/5. I don't aim for a 5/5 and a 4/5 would be awesome but I'm happy with it being an average skill. Cause that's what I am, an average writer. Not professional or anything.
Thank you very much for this, it should help me out as time goes on. The plot of the story is set in stone, but the little things as you addressed I will over time be fixing and tweaking to have it work better. So thank you, Mr. Anonymous.
@ROBCakeran53
ReplyDeleteAnd may I just point out my own phailure in the first paragraph of that last comment. "loose loose"... wtf? It should have been "lose lose". *facehoof*
I might sound harsh, but the tenses are a mess and the grammar is painful. it's not the human in equestria that made it unwelcoming to me, let me be clear. it could use a good routing and cleanup, and then I might be more forgiving.
ReplyDelete@WildWood Pony
ReplyDeleteNo, your not sounding harsh one bit. You gave my story a read, and that's great. I know already of my tensing problems, and I'm trying to fix it. As for grammar, it shouldn't be THAT bad. But who knows, I probably messed something up XD
Thanks for the criticism!
You... are... awesome, I'm a mechanic myself and it got my attention on the first chapter when you wrote "automobile" and the way Kurt talks. 5/5, just a little fix up on the grammar.
ReplyDelete@ROBCakeran53
ReplyDeleteLaundry Anon here. Actually, the Fluttershy thing was about the interrupted tea party thing. Yes, Fluttershy would be disappointed at the interruption but as soon as she heard 'hurt creature' that disappointment probably would melt away and she'd take off running (galloping) to help. Maybe what I read was more an interpretation on my end than what you wrote. I do that. It just seems that she's kinda going along with it until she gets to Applejack's place and sees that it's more than RD rushing around. I think Fluttershy would have been, I dunno, rushing before she got to AJ's? Again, I probably read into it something you didn't write. And, again, I do that. not a good reader nor a clever pony. Also, Fluttershy is my fav sooo, I get picky. Sorry ...
Now that I look over it again, you're right about Kurt being more the 'get along' guy than the ponies, though I would suggest more obvious hesitation on their part. Here's a new creature, foul mouthed and strange, and they're letting him wander (albeit under guard). Though to help get his car out, yeah, I can see that more. Still ... something more hesitant from our Mane 6. But yeah, my bad.
Again, I think the personalities are fairly spot on and that, usually, is where I see more people failing hard. You didn't so ~yay~. And don't get upset at 'loose loose,' it's a common word-switch what with being only an 'o' away.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeletelol I like that, "Laundry Anon". That shall be your new name. Anyway, to Fluttershy. Now that you mention it about the tea time, yes that does make sense. I was trying to show how the other ponies are a little more "skeptical" of Dash, but in any case if a injured animal is mentioned Fluttershy should be RIGHT on the ball. I shall see what I can do to fix that part. And I wouldn't say you are not a cleaver pony (wut pony?) because you have been able to nip pick at my story quite well. I really appreciate this. I don't aim to be a great writer, just an average one. And any advice I can get greatly helps.
Hm, I also understand what your getting at about the mane six. In all fairness, some of the ponies will become more laxed with Kurt than others so I'm trying to make this out just right.
yay! I'm actually getting the characters spot on? That was my biggest worry that I wouldn't get the character's personalities right. Really, the hardest ones for me are Rarity and Applejack.
I look foward to read more of "Divergent Days".
ReplyDeleteQuality took a nosedive in chapter six.
ReplyDeleteIt's a decent story but it needs a pre-reader to iron out the mistakes.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMore like a locomotive XD
And by "Quality" do you mean the grammar/tensing and such? Or the story itself?
@Acriaos
ReplyDeleteThank you for the 5/5, but if its to counter the meanie wienie's then what would you have normally given it?
@ActionScripter9109
ReplyDeletethank you for the /rant. Its good to know not everyone on the Internet is a ass.
I am trying to work on the grammar so it should be more bearable.
@ROBCakeran53
ReplyDelete4/5, I liked it, but so far the story is just not that unique or enthralling to grant it 5 stars. I might change my mind later when your story is finished. The chapters seem a bit short btw. 2 and 3 could have been one, as well as 4 and 5 maybe.
oh and maybe read the first sentence of chapter 6 again... I usually don't mind grammatical errors that much, but it kinda puts me off if the first sentence or other important lines are just plain wrong.
ReplyDelete@Acriaos
ReplyDeleteHm, the chapters seem short? Well, what I normally do is have each chapter roughly around 2,000 words each. Some have more though, but I will look into it.
And I will take a look at chapter 6. I'm sure I screwed something up XD
Ok so far I have recieved some great feedback on this. I will be taking a few days from posting to try and work on the chapters I already have posted. Thanks for the feedback everyone. I hope to make this more bearable and thanks to your help I'm aiming to put this story on the right track.
ReplyDeleteWill he fix his Blazer? I want every detail of what's in the engine bay!!! if it's the Vortec 4300 then, poor Kurt. I can't wait for the next chapters!
ReplyDelete@DragonInside
ReplyDeleteHEY NOW! I RESENT THAT! Er, unless you mean sympathy towards him. Well we will have to see what happens... but seriously I love the 4.3. I got two of them, each with over 200k miles, original, from '96. >.> um, not that I threw one of them in the story or anything... *cough*
@ROBCakeran53
ReplyDeleteDamn reply, I don't know how to in this blogger thingy.
@ROBCakeran53
ReplyDeleteAre you also a mechanic?
@DragonInside
ReplyDeleteI am going to school for Automotive so technically no? I have also self-taught myself with a majority of it but collage is helping fill the gaps. I should say, I'm "trying" to become one.
Ok, if anyone is even reading these this far, don't worry if people talk about additional chapters that don't exist. Its just I am having them edited so I took them down, but there should be at least two up so don't worry.
ReplyDeleteIf you are reading all these comments, then yay? Otherwise, a lot of what people say maaaaaay not make sense. That is because, thanks to these an many other comments, I have re-worked the story into a more believable and grammicaly decent story. The human in the story has also taken a slight change in personality, which you will see in the story.
ReplyDeleteWhat's difficult for me is the tenses. As a rule of thumb you should strictly write in past tense, especially since the whole premise of the story is it being a grandfather's recounting of past events.
ReplyDeleteSo no 'he sees', 'he drives', 'Dash takes to the sky'. It would read better and make more sense as 'he saw', 'he drove', 'Dash took to the sky', that sort of thing.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI realized that myself, but it was too late after all the revising. I could, but it will just take a lot of time. So I figured I might as well just keep with it, until I have the proper time to do just that; have the story be in past tense.
Originally it was just to experiment with, since almost no one uses present tense, I wanted to give it a shot.
You know, it's kind of sad. In a lot of ways this really seems to be one of the better human-in-equestria storiesthat I've read. I really think it captures a fair amount of the emotion and events that would follow much better than most other stories of this nature.It's by no means perfect, but a great deal more believable.
ReplyDeleteStill, there is a rather large issue with this story. Well, several issues really. There are some spelling and grammar issues that stand out from time to time, but amateur writing is amateur writing. There will be spelling and grammar errors.
My main complaint? Well, it's the same complaint that everyone else has. The TENSE. That present-tense writing is really quite horrid. Reading a story in the present tense feels awkward from the start andwhen it goes on for as long as this story has been going, it gets to a point where it's actually painful. It really starts to hurt to try and read this story by the time you get around to chapter 3.
I see from an above comment that the reason you used Present tense was because you wanted to try something new. And you know what? THat's great. I can never blame someone for trying to be innovative with their writing. However, just because it's innovative doesn't neccesarily mean that it'll work. THere's a good reason why everybody else uses past tense. It's the only way to read something comfortably, simply put. Anything else just sounds forced, awkward, and contrived.
Now I say again: the story itself is pretty damn good. But to use a metaphor, a delicious cake covered in mud is still covered in mud. You don't want to eat it if it's covered in mud.That's this story in a nutshell. You can see that it's a good story and it's tantalizingly calling out for you to read it but you just can't get past that mud.
Let me say this right now. I think that before you continue with the story any further you should go back and just edit the whole thing.I really do think that would make a huge difference. People would probably find the story way more accessible and enjoyable and it would read so much better. JI know it's difficult and time consuming, but really, that's the only thing keeping your story from being downright brilliant, and it's a shame to have this one issue with the tense (and a little spelling and grammar) messing it up.
For now 3/5 but I'll gladly bump it up to a 5/5 if the tense is altered.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI greatly appreciate this comment. Since people have been pointing this fact out so much, I feel I should. People are really enjoying my story, and I'm extatic over this fact. And if a simple thing such as what tense is all that you people complain about, then I can set aside a few days and change the tensing up. Thank you Anon, I've just been waiting for the right comment to push me into actually doing this, and yours has just done that. I will continue to work on the story on my own, but I will put changing the tensing on my priority.
Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad I'm getting the important parts of this story right.
Laundry Anon here. I keep up with things!
ReplyDeleteThank you for fixing a great deal of what has been pointed out. Not only what I said but what others said. Yes, tense. Ok, that's that. Now to real business.
Something that you seemed to have changed. Kurt. He's, well ... a bit of a dick so far. A bit snappy, quick to leave, quick to be aggressive. Then again, he did essentially lose his life so that's to be understandable but ... well, he's coming around by chapter 8 so it'll probably be explained. Just wanted to point that out. He was too nice, now he seems too mean. Again, he's coming around to being nicer? More polite? I dunno, it's NOT a 'bad' or 'incorrect' personality per se but it seems a drastic change from where he was previous. Maybe it's cause I didn't read the entire new thing (see below).
Orphan. That's new. Trying to limit the ties that make him want to go home, I think. But hey, Bruce Wane was an orphan too. It's used cause it works.
I couldn't read the entire updated thing. I have a hard time paying attention if I think I've read it before (I blame adult ADD) but I did go over a couple of the parts I mentioned and I'm liking what you've done so far.
Maybe Kurt would seem less dickish if he explained why he's doing some of the things he does (even internal monologue type mental talk would work). Like the royalty thing. That's ... that's how I'd react too but I'd explain that human royalty are there by the might of their armies with nothing making them be nice. Benevolent monarchism was an oddity in our species. IF you want to avoid anti-humanism feeling (oh gosh, humans are so violent blah blah blah) then I can see you not mentioning it (again, internal monologue would be great here!). It's not the only time his attitude would be explained with ... explanation. The ponies can think he's a dick forever but to build real rapport with the readers, you might want to make it more apparent where he's coming from.
Heck, I haven't left my house in months because of people (probably crazy but I'm too nervous outside to get checked out but whatever) and I'd be more personable than this fella. Again, it seems to be working itself out and it seems to have some form of basis. I'd definitely expand on that, why he's so angry and hurt.
The CMC are going to go around town yapping about him aren't they? Calling it, probably wrong.
Hopefully that all makes sense? Also I hope I don't make you feel like I'm flip-flopping on things. Maybe I am, I do that too. Lots of crazy here. But I hope I helped put some potential issues into perspective. I'm staying at 3/5 but it's inching towards 4/5. Keep it up.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteLaundry Anon! Good ta see ya again my friend!
I am now changing the tensing to past, I put up a DA journal about it and will be putting up a comment on here... or if someone reads this comment that AWESOME!
*cracks nuckles* alright, lets see what you got... Kurt, yea I have completely changed his personality. He's more on edge, defensive than his previous version. That is for a specific reason though, which will be explained later so don't worry. And I wouldn't say he's too mean, he's more loud mouth, and quick to speak his mind before thinking. He does apologize and such, so he's not all bad.
Yes, he's an orphan. You are actually quite right for the reason, though its also just so I don't have to worry about explaining family and such... hey, everyone is lazy at some point XD
Well, quite a bit has changed, but don't worry all is now set in stone, I'm not changing anything plot or characteristic about Kurt. So you really should read it, but that is entirely up to you.
Well, yea I really just didn't want to try and explain the hole "why we are violent bla bla bla", it would just be more side stuff to distract from the story in my opinion. I could add a little more monologue, but I will see what happens. And I will be giving more to Kurt's mind as time progresses. Even though its a MLP fic, I'm still trying to give you all a well developed OC.
Well, his personality will be flushed out as time goes, so just wait and see about that.
MAAAAAAYBE...
Yes, I fully understand your comments. And no, I understand I kinda pulled the rug out from under everyone's feet when I changed Kurt's personality. I felt it to be more realistic, and needed than his more good natured self from before.
Thanks Laundry Anon, I'm glad you are still here and reading my story.
Not much to add, just wanted to say I love this. There aren't many human in Equestria fics out there where the protagonist isn't a overly friendly teenager. Keep it up.
ReplyDeletePoor Author. His other fic "My Little Dashie" got a metric crapton of love whereas this one didn't receive as much. I'm curious to see how different your writing is from several months ago, so I'll give this a read to see what's up. :D
ReplyDelete