• Story: Bricks (Update Part 7!)

    [Grimdark] OC pony! Have a random Rarity until someone draws it, because it's inevitable at this level of cooool. 

    Author: The Power
    Description: A long-standing dispute between an unwelcome astronomer and the town of Ponyville leads to a very strange series of events.
    Bricks Chapter 1
    Bricks Chapter 2
    Bricks Chapter 3
    Bricks Chapter 4
    Bricks Chapter 5
    Bricks Chapter 6 
    Bricks Chapter 7 (New!)

    Bricks (All Links)

    Additional Tags: Celestial, Brotastic, Hungry, Entitled, Angry

    42 kommentaari:

    1. Hey, congratulation on getting this posted. Now this is an example of first-person fic done right.

      VastaKustuta
    2. Wow, I am impressed. There needs to be more of this story soon.

      VastaKustuta
    3. Love this story, can't wait to see the rest of it.

      VastaKustuta
    4. Didn't read it, but that's 9 5 star ratings and nothing else!

      VastaKustuta
    5. And then I read the other two chapters.

      INTRIGUE UP THE ASS, in a good way. Also, "brotastic" tag is so... accurate. Fuck.

      VastaKustuta
    6. You were just waiting to connect Celestia and Kanye West, weren't you?

      Colour me intrigued. Five stars.

      I put in my request for Stacks sidestory of The Brony Code.

      VastaKustuta
    7. @Dave

      Stacks + The Brony Code = win

      Also, Kanye West is the new universal equivalent. Power goes with anything.

      Thanks for the rating bronies.

      VastaKustuta
    8. I was about to wonder what the "Grimdark" tag was for and then - WHOA.
      Interesting so far, I await the future installments.

      VastaKustuta
    9. *SPOILERS*
      What... what the fuck did i just read?! were to start with this... how about the writing?

      one of the most important rules in story telling is show, don't tell. you keep telling us stack is stronger, smarter & richer then the main character, but you have yet to show us how he could be smarter (or even richer) then then any other pony. and he hates the princess because of her power and adoration from the other ponies? what a rebel. honestly, stacks is in borderline Mary Sue territory here.

      and as for chapters 3 & 4... if you had simply had it take place somewhere else or used some OC ponies instead of established characters thees chapters wouldn't have gotten under my skin. but no, you twisted rarity into a cupcakes level psychopath and mayor mare into an arsonist all working for some shadowy group to try and kill the main character? Really?! all i can say is i hope you have one hell of a twist set up to explain this gross defamation of character.

      that said, i do see some glimmers of hope here and there. and a few of the scene and dialog work really well, i just wish it was more consistent. and i do want to find out whats up with his eyes (also why did twilight's eyes lite up like "two small suns" when she was angry?)

      all in all the story could use a lot of work and the characters need to be fleshed out a lot more. but the story has the potential to be something good if thees are addressed and a good reason is given as to why they are acting the way they are.

      VastaKustuta
    10. I'm sorry, but...


      /SPOILER!!!/

      If Sun Spot is blindfolded, how the heck can he see (and recognise) the look Stacks gives doctor Redheart?

      VastaKustuta
    11. Oooookay. The description is certainly right about the strangeness. I look forward to the promised explanation.

      VastaKustuta
    12. I've gotta agree with Wraithwood.

      I wasn't very happy seeing a couple of my favorite mares turning psycho all of sudden.

      I really hope there's a hell of a good reason for it.

      VastaKustuta
    13. i am not sure what to think of this. I like it but Sun Spot seemed to have taken being almost murdered rather well. Thats my only complaint.

      I am very interested to hear the next chapter. I just need to get an answer. That is a good thing, it keeps me interested, but i really think that a lot will ride on this next chapter.

      VastaKustuta
    14. ...what the hell did I just read? O_o

      VastaKustuta
    15. There seemed to be a lot of wrongness in this as mentioned already... Weirdness too... But damnit I want the next chapter cause I'm curious as to what the explanation is! :O

      VastaKustuta
    16. Don't Know how nopony's posted this, but, West fillydelphia born and raised. ( chapter 1 paragraph 4)

      VastaKustuta
    17. Timeflow is somewhat weird. Admitted twice to the hospital in one day? Yet he seems to have been there for days the first time, by implication if nothing else.
      And using Rarity like that is ... well... EXTREMELY BAD. You should have created some throw-away OC to play the part.

      VastaKustuta
    18. Uh, guys?

      The story's not over. This isn't the end. :|

      I know what I'm doing, and I know how to logically move the story from point A to point B. I just ask that you put a little faith in me. I did not use Rarity and the Mayor the way I did for no reason. The explanation will come in due time. You guys are simply going to have to wait for it.

      This is my first real effort at a longish fanfic, at a story in general, and I'm reading your comments/reviews and taking them into consideration so that I can improve as I go on. So I thank you for pointing out any mistakes I've made.

      VastaKustuta
    19. Well... okay. I'm.... confused. Rarity-impersonator (No way in hell it's her) hacks up Sunny a bit, the Mayor blows up his house and planned to kill him... for his house not fitting in?

      Welp, I'm lost. I trust you that you're gonna make it make sense, but for now... I'm lost.

      And why did it have to cliffhang right when things were going to be explained?! HNNGGGGG I MUST KNOW.

      VastaKustuta
    20. 1 & 2, O.K.
      3 & 4, What is going on?
      5, Oh I understand now. It barely makes sense but I understand the basics.

      There's still a lot left in the unknown category that needs to be explained. It's always nice to leave a bit of confusion and mystery as to keep the reader interested, but add too much and it all just becomes a blur and it becomes impossible to figure out what is happening.

      VastaKustuta
    21. pony imps? what? I have no clue where your going with this... it's good writing though, keep them coming.

      VastaKustuta
    22. What the fuck am i reading

      VastaKustuta
    23. ...Anyone remember the J. Fitzgerald McCurdy books The Serpent's Egg/The Flaming Crown/The Twisted Blade? Based in Ottawa and then suddenly FANTASY AND DEATH?

      I don't know why, I haven't read those books since the last one of that trilogy came out in 2003 when I was 11, but just the appearance of those pseudo-Pony imps and the dark nature of this story gave me some serious familiar vibes in a good way.

      VastaKustuta
    24. I am still confuzzled.

      But less so.

      Now Sunny, with the aid of his goofball companion must contact the Princesses, fending off imps, and the rest of the shadowy organization that the Mayor was a part of!

      I approve. Having a torch in your eyes has gotta be fun too. :D

      VastaKustuta
    25. Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.

      VastaKustuta
    26. *SPOILERS*
      *Facepalm* ok, thats it, sorry but this story is just not for me..

      the characters are still stiff & wooden, there is almost no rhyme or reason for there actions(or lack there of in some cases..) and the charactes comes off as idiots.

      the narrative is clumsy and confusing, introducing new information about the characters in the 5th chapter that should have been in the first (like, oh i don't know. maybe the fact that sunspot is a unicorn) conversely you seem to overstate some facts ("universe out of balance is bad" " why are you trying to kill me?" " the universe is tipping out of balance." "it is! that's bad!" so much of this fan fic could be trimmed down and streamlined while other sections need to be fleshed out more.

      Example [The mayor was looking up into the sky. The sun hovered overhead, signaling the approach of noon. The explosion that destroyed my home went off a few hours ago, early in the morning. I’d only been discharged thirty minutes ago when I heard the news about my house. Had I not burned some time packing my equipment, and sampling a few wines with Stacks, I would’ve been a dead pony.

      I took a second look at the damage around me as the mayor gathered her thoughts. My pictures were all missing. Somepony had torn down and taken them all. Why anypony would want them was beyond me. I didn’t have any family pictures beyond the few that I kept of my father and my mother, and they were both dead. The only other pictures were of me and Stacks on our various road trips.

      We like taking time out of the year to make the rounds in all of the best vacation spots and famous Equestrian cities. This year’s first trip had been to Manehattan. I took Stacks to a score of private museums. He took me to all the raves that DJ P0N-3 was working. He fell asleep during the museum tours and nearly dropped dead from exhaustion at the raves. As you can probably imagine, I spent more time dragging Stacks’ sorry hide across the city than I did anything else.

      In the end, I did have a lot of fun. I can’t say that didn’t.]

      a more compact andor smoother version would be..

      [The Mayor stared up at the midday sky, embers still burning from the explosion that leveled my once proud home. had i not spent time after being discharged from the hospital to collect my things and enjoy some wine with stacks i would have been scattered to the four winds by now.

      while the mayor seemed to collected her thoughts i took this time to survey the damage. oddly enough i couldn't find any of the picture i once had. it was almost as if someone had taken them all. why anyone would do this was beyond me.. it's not as if the photos held anything more then sentimental value. though i had a few of my late mother & father, the bulk of them were of me and stacks on our annual road trip across Equestra, the last taking us to the museums and rave party's of Mainhatton.]

      i'm sorry, but... the writing is just not up to snuff for me to continue reading this fic. i wish you the best of luck and hope your skills improve over time if you choose to continue writing story's.

      VastaKustuta
    27. O.o

      @wraithwood
      Wat?

      I guess is sort of agree with you about the streamlining but not really.

      Appreciate the review though, and I hope I get better at writing shitty fanfics too.

      Fun Fact: Sun Spot did magic in the first chapter.

      VastaKustuta
    28. @The Power

      your right, sorry for forgetting that. also, my last comment could have been a lot more constructive then it was. after re reading it after a nights rest i feel like a bit of an ass.

      the story's still not for me but that doesn't mean i need to become a parrasprite about it. so, again sorry about some of the stuff i said. and i do hope you continue writing as there are a lot of people that enjoy your work and the direction that it's going and i would hate to see anyone in this community disappointed, i just wish i was a better brony when i made that post : /

      VastaKustuta
    29. lul i see everypony here pointing out the plot holes and flaws, you guys know the story isnt finished yet? save the criticism for when its complete not barely 6 chapters in, for all we kniw this story can be 15-25 chapters long (maybe less) just deal with it guys sheesh

      VastaKustuta
    30. by rhe way im liking the story :3

      VastaKustuta
    31. ... We're supposed to be confused. Even in this chapter, both characters are debating whether or not this makes ANY sense. Are people really worried about how much sense things make? Is everything supposed to be explained the second it happens? Jeez. Pet-peeve central.

      In regards to Wraith!

      Do both characters seem entirely smart to you? They don't to me. Is that suddenly a bad thing? And what's stiff about them exactly? I don't understand.

      It's first person. This isn't the omniscient information we're given in third person. Why would Sunspot state he's a unicorn? I agree it could have been given, but why one doesn't get that information makes sense. And transitions? If you didn't notice, Sunny was JUST as confused and scared shitless as we were, during the imps, during the visions from the mayor, during the attack from Rarity, everything is totally confusing, and that's because HE'S reeling from it. I actually LOVED how he didn't use And then, Suddenly, or anything to transition into the Imp attack. It was... well, perfect narration. "This happened, and I don't need to give you vocabulary that indicates that it happen in a relatively short span of time." Stories using Suddenly or And Then kind of piss me off sometimes.

      I disagree with the streamlining thing. That was time for him to sit with himself, his thoughts, in his broken house, and think. It isn't narration or observation. It's thinking. Reflecting. Going into semi-unrelated thoughts when you're reflecting is completely fine, never has been an issue.

      VastaKustuta
    32. Also, author, please never use the word "magicked" again, it's like using the word "moved" or "controlled" instead of "grabbed." It's nondescript and generally vague and awful.

      VastaKustuta
    33. I like this series thus far. Leaving the reader in the dark is actually a neat device that I enjoy because it leaves me wondering.

      Anyway, the ponies from ponyvile have some serious explaining to do. Because attempted murder is, you know, pretty serious.

      VastaKustuta
    34. This fic gets stranger with every chapter I read.at least I kinda know what the conflict is, finally.

      VastaKustuta
    35. I swear, if they say "bro" one more fucking time.

      Really, I hate this fanfic, just hate it.

      I don't care for either the characters; the pacing is too fast at times or much too slow, such as him lamenting over the destruction of his home; Stacks is incredibly obnoxious; the plot is unnecessarily confusing, which will only end in a disappointing or utterly STUPID reveal that will make J. J Abrams say: "Dude, that's just lame."

      Not going to bother continuing because your mystery has not spurred interest in me, since I have no concern for the well being of either of these characters who have no interesting traits among them.

      Star Spot (whatever his name) is simply a boring character I have no investment in with his jock buddy, who is somehow said to be twice as smart as our main character, when he clearly hasn't shown it.

      "Stacks, although a magnificent artist and a social mastermind, is by no means a doctor or a scientist."

      Bull-fucking-shit, without this line, I would have just saw him as his drunk college buddy who's a skeptic to an almost ludicrously boring degree.

      Not going to continue reading just because I know this whole mystery you're building up isn't going to satisfy anyone.

      VastaKustuta
    36. This has been discontinued by the author.

      A sad day.

      VastaKustuta
    37. ^^^^ Where this information come from?

      VastaKustuta
    38. There is a thread of a guy who uses samurai jack pictures to identify himself on Ponychan.

      There, thepower said he lost his audience after being banned from an IRC channel and that he feels it's not worth continuing.

      Just go to ponychan, look up samurai and you should find it.

      VastaKustuta
    39. Chapter 1: I see wat u did there. Clever!
      *continues to read*

      VastaKustuta
    40. WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THE OWNER'S TRASH AAAAAAAH.

      I miss this fic so much :(

      VastaKustuta