[Grimdark][Sad]] Celestia grows weary of all this grimdarky stuff. She's starting to wonder why she bothers. It's ok, I still love you Celly.
Author: Hugo V.
Description: Events are about to occur that will alter the fate of not only Spike, but Equestria forever. Is Twilight and the gang up to the task? What dark secrets shall be revealed? What horrifying questions will be answered? Read and find out!
Be There
Additional Tags: None
15 comments:
Um? Ok, Celestia certainly gets painted in a bad light. Seemed like a big buildup for a smackup. (or rather execution)
ReplyDeletedoes it bode poorly if a fanfic has bad grammar already in it's 4-line description?
ReplyDeleteHuge, brilliant buildup. Horrible, disappointing ending. Boo.
ReplyDelete2/5
I must say I'm rather disappointed with this one.
ReplyDeleteMany spelling errors, syntax errors, grammar errors.
There may have even been a contradiction in the description of the area in which the events were occurring, though it was a bit hard to make certain due to the confusing description.
Plot: Seemed very rushed and is lacking. This happened, that happened, and they lived happily ever after.
Characterization was strong at first but completely fell apart after the first page.
Lol I can tell that this was a rushed story. I give it 2/5. Sorry bro! But it was still funny to read.
ReplyDelete@ZAquanimus
ReplyDeleteSeconded
That picture makes me wonder what to call the Celestia equivalent to NMM.
ReplyDeletePerhapps Infernal Sol?
Sol obviously refering to the sun.
A bit rushed, but it was okay.
Well that certainly ended suddenly. Started off well, but as soon as it stopped raining it felt rushed and confusing, and not explained anywhere near enough.
ReplyDeleteThe buildup was acceptable. Some errors here and there, but it was alright for the most part. Nothing majorly wrong with it.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as Celestia showed up, though, the plot kicked into overdrive and went off the rails. Things started happening far faster then they should, and there was so little explanation that it became hard to follow what was happening.
The ending in particular was so brief and carried so little impact that you might as well have just ended it with "And they lived happily ever after." There were some major happenings that should have been fully explored to assess their implications, but only some of them were even brought up (and a throwaway sentence mentioning the ones that were is, quite frankly, not enough).
Did this one even have a pre-reader?
ReplyDeleteA few things.
ReplyDeleteIf there has indeed been genocide against dragons, why is there at least one in the Everfree and another one who wanted to sleep in the mountains? The first is not much of a problem. Ponies rarely venture into the forest, so they might have peace there. But the other one? By sleeping so close to Ponyville, he'd put his life in danger.
Also, why do they believe him? He's threatened their homes. They've never seen Celestia do anything remotely as evil as genocide, or if in your story they did, you need to tell us. Twilight's nightmare is the only hint we have, and that isn't much. The other dragons they've met were pretty violent (though, in light of your story, that might easily be explained).
Lastly, why the HECK did Celestia appear? She could've just waited, he was dying after all. Why put herself in danger? Especially since your dragon is so big, his eyeball alone would be about ten times Celestia's height.
All in all, as other posters noted, it appears to be somewhat rushed. You have an interesting premise (where did Spike come from?), but the story unravels too fast.
Addendun to my post at 7:48
ReplyDeleteThe "he" in the second and third paragraph refers to the dragon in the story, not the one from Dragonshy.
Ouch.
ReplyDeleteI guess you guys are right on a bunch of things, but the next story I'm working on is sure to be a lot better.
Thanks for all the comments!
Just stick to it, practice makes perfect.
ReplyDeletePractice makes perfect, but you never really... address anything. A bunch of stuff happens, people make statements, but nothing really seems to matter.
ReplyDelete