Author: Squall Chaser
Description: A light-hearted look into the life of Ditzy and Dinky. (With a Rainbow Dash surprise at the end!)Mama's Little Muffin
Additional Tags: Cute, Dinky, Ditzy, Muffins, Love
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Author: Squall Chaser
Additional Tags: Cute, Dinky, Ditzy, Muffins, Love
Labels: Author: Squall Chaser, Complete, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Derpy Hooves, Everypony, Fanfiction, Normal, Other, Star-4, StoryShare This!
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28 comments:
Nice title.
ReplyDeleteSleepy Seth?
ReplyDeleteIt's not really a surprise if you tell us about it...
ReplyDeleteIs the surprise the title of the story?
Way to spoil the surprise.
ReplyDeleteFUCKIN' SPOILED THE MOTHERFUCKING SURPRISE- daw derpy and dinky.
ReplyDeleteOh wait no she's named ditzy here.
yesmad
The title must be the surprise.
ReplyDeleteDo people STILL think she's named Ditzy?
ReplyDeleteDo people just... not listen to Lauren Faust's words?
HNNNNNGGGG-
ReplyDelete@Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI think the reason ponies prefer to call her Ditzy is because "Derpy Hooves" is kind of associated with her being pretty much braindead (considering one of the first comments when they noticed and named her was "oh god is that a retard pony").
At least, that's why I call her that. I prefer to consider her more of a distracted, somewhat ditzy (herp derp) sort of character. Like ADD + lazy eye.
The writing could use some polish I reckon. Way too many sentences that start with "She/They", often even in a row. The formulations could use a bit more variation overall, too.
ReplyDeleteAside from stylistic issues there were some oddly placed commas as well that broke up sentences in confusing places.
Most importantly though, the whole premise is a bit... flat. I know it's supposed to be light-hearted, so we can't a deep philosophical epic. But still, even the one issue that does pop up halfway through the story is resolved a bit too easily to serve as the catch for this story.
Another thing I noticed, the inclusion of the mane six at the end seemed a bit too tacked on, like an excuse to just give everyone a bit of consoling screen time.
I wouldn't say it was downright bad, but imo there's a lot of potential still untapped.
Oh, and the appearance of Twixie left me a bit "wat" - but I'm just going to assume that it makes sense within the canon of your other stories (which I admit I haven't read).
Nice titles as always.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI personally see derpy hooves as a nick name and ditzy as her actual name personally.
@Anonymous Lauren Said she could be Derpy or Ditzy if they wanted to. Honestly She's Ditzy Doo as far as I'm Concerned.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the name derpy, but I honestly can't see someone being that much of a jackass to name their filly that. I guess it's kind of like Frank Sinatra, his mom didn't name him "The Voice" but that's what people referred to him as, Elvis; "The King" etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm still going to call the little wall eyed pegasus derpmaster "Derpy the mailmare" or "Beast of a Billion Derps" or "Sir Derpington Hoofwell the III", as I've affectionately named that picture of old chap derpy infront of the UK flag.
She'll always be "Derpy Hooves" to me, and no amount of wishing, begging or hoping will change it.
I don't often herp, but when I do, I derp
Stay Derpy, my friends.
That was an "okay" story at best. The prose could use some cleaning and editing, and I thought the incidental Trixie / Twi shipping was completely unnecessary and out of character. The alt-ending was really just plain dumb.
ReplyDeleteThe Ditzy / Dinky story itself was nice enough, however. The author should have just focused on them, rather than try to shoehorn any pony they could. Fluttershy and the CMC's presence were acceptable, but everyone else was just a distraction.
it was a cute little story to be sure, but I didn't like it. It basically comes off as Ditzy the Mary Sue -- she's friends with the entire mane cast (not to mention the CMC), and while I'll grant I dislike her portryal as some retard that everypony shuns is just as bad...this just kinda almost seemed like a middle finger to those stories.
ReplyDeleteIf she had interacted with maybe two or three, plus maybe some OTHER background characters, it would have made a much nicer story.
Combine that with the fact that...nothing happens. I mean, ok so "Ditzy takes Dinky to breakfast, then the park, Dinky breaks her leg, she gets treated" is technically something...but it's not deep enough to make people really care.
They can't all be winners, and this one isn't. Sorry. If I came across too harsh I do apologize.
That was beautiful. But I agree with Luna about how out of character Twi/ Trixie were.
ReplyDeleteLong Live Derpy Hooves
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI just prefer the name Ditzy over Derpy. Derpy to me seems a little mean. Sorry for anything you found lacking or out of place, most of this was admittedly written or changed when I should've been in bed... Mostly, I just wanted to take a pause from the Grim-Dark of my first story, so yeah in purposely avoiding it, I may have gone a little... overboard on the friendly, happy, sunshine factor.
ReplyDeleteEither way, like it or no, thanks for the criticism it will help make my work better in future.
Your Ever humble
Squall Chaser, (A.K.A Blunder Dolt)
@Melodia
ReplyDeleteThat's okay, I respect others' opinions. In fact if not for the critiques of others I wouldn't be able to better myself as an author. So no, you didn't come off to harsh.
This is cute as hell, and I love that you characterized Ditzy Doo as an aphasiac. Also, that she would have thought the muffins were meant to make fun of her at first. Generally, I just love Ditzy's persona in this.
ReplyDeleteRandom Twixie? Is that what's going on there?
Why hurt Dinky? ;_; So sad.
Big criticism? Too much "Ditzy", especially at the beginning; it caused me to start skimming. More pronouns, or more variation in sentence structure, would have helped that. This seems like it still needs some decent editing, to boot (lots of you're/your confusion, for one).
It's far from universal, but the name you use often goes with the characterization.
ReplyDeleteDerpy is the barely-functional crazy-mare who wanders around stuffing muffins into other ponies' mouths and sometimes into mailslots and talks in word salad.
Ditzy is either a serial malaproper (that is, commonly uses the wrong word), or a distracted cloudcuckoolander (that is, "space cadet", her mind runs in unusual ways; look up the term on TVTropes for more) but not actually insane. She's entirely functional and competent, she just has trouble speaking clearly and/or has her own unique point of view that doesn't quite mesh with others'.
Bright Eyes is a normal pony who can speak as well as you or me and just happens to have a derpy eye.
''Horsepital.''
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, that word just made me chuckle everytime I read it.
>Ditzy couldn’t have any more children
ReplyDelete-...-Very!- unnecessary detail...
*Boot to the Head x3*, with Extra Onions, because of how MUCH unnecessary this is.
Very.
Losing big points there, especially since it serves no real purpose and make no damn sense.
This was extremely adorable and I couldn't help but cry at the end when it was over. BRAVO.
ReplyDeleteTwixie out of fucking nowhere
ReplyDeleteTruly cute. I found it D'awwww, yet well written.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there was Twixie.
ReplyDelete