Author: Truthseeker
Description: An injured stranger comes to Ponyville. He carries with him the darkest of secrets. He is condemned to a fate worse than death, but is there yet hope of salvation, before the end? Only the Elements of Harmony can decide.
All Chapters After the Break!
The Vagabond Part 1
The Vagabond Part 2
The Vagabond Part 3
The Vagabond Part 4
The Vagabond Part 5
The Vagabond Part 6
The Vagabond Part 7
The Vagabond Part 8
The Vagabond Part 9
Additional Tags: needed
[Normal][Shipping][Sad]
Author: Truthseeker
Description: Continuing tale of Valiant, the former Vagabond, as he and Dr. Mend discover something that will change both of their lives forever.Trials of the Elements
Trials of the Elements Part 2
Trials of the Elements Part 3
Trials of the Elements Part 4
Trials of the Elements Interlude
Trials of the Elements Part 5
Trials of the Elements Part 6
Trials of the Elements Part 7
Trials of the Elements Part 8
Trials of the Elements Part 9
Trials of the Elements Part 10
Trials of the Elements Part 11
Additional Tags: Luna, Celestia, Applejack, Twilight, Big Macintosh, Emotional, Stirring, Inspiring, Relationship-Oriented, Healing, (Author wants everyone to know that the shipping will happen later, with mares, not between the two main characters.)
[Adventure][Normal] Story 3
Author: Truthseeker
Description: Valiant has gone off on his own. An ancient evil has awakened on the far side of Equestria, nearby Valiant's destination, and threatens to devour him: body, mind, and soul. Can the combined might of the Elements of Equestria get to him in time, or will he succomb to the bitter darkness which never had a chance to heal.The Elements of Equestria Part 1
The Elements of Equestria Part 2
The Elements of Equestria Part 3
The Elements of Equestria Part 4
The Elements of Equestria Part 5
The Elements of Equestria Part 6
The Elements of Equestria Part 7
The Elements of Equestria Part 8
The Elements of Equestria Part 9
The Elements of Equestria Part 10
The Elements of Equestria Part 11
The Elements of Equestria Part 12
The Elements of Equestria Part 13
The Elements of Equestria Part 14
The Elements of Equestria Part 15
The Elements of Equestria Part 16
The Elements of Equestria Part 17
The Elements of Equestria Part 18
The Elements of Equestria Part 19
The Elements of Equestria Part 20 (New!)
Additional Tags: Action, Adventure, Misunderstandings, Old Friends, Teamwork, Love (but which kind), Some humor. Everypony, Valiant, Mend, Lemon Lime/(Live Wire), Sea Blue, Big Macintosh, Trooper
Characters
530 kommentaari:
Ooh.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaWhat are the typos? I think I took care of the onomatopoeia.
VastaKustutaI hate Google Docs... If only those could be uploaded somewhere else than this Google crap ? It just sucks.
VastaKustutaPlease go on.... i want to see how it ends.. D:
VastaKustutaWorking on it, literally. It's a long process.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaComments deleted.
VastaKustutaThe start of this story is weak, but don't let that dissuade you from reading it; once the ball gets rolling it's a damn good read.
4/5 stars: an interesting concept that does its best to stay accurate to the show, given the circumstance.
Very interesting story. Had me screaming for more.
VastaKustutaabsolutely enthralling. emotional and mysterious, tragedy with only the most subtle hint of a love story and mystery, both reflective and fluid. a masterpiece. I cannot wait for the rest, and I sincerely and eagerly anticipate the rest of this tragic riveting tale.
VastaKustutaI think Zecora's name was misspelled quite a few times in part 5 :)
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaAnd quite a few times too in Part 1.
In part 1 there's also a good number of small errors, like a few missing letters (I remember one ''e'', when it's ''he'') and ''SweeteBell'' instead of Sweetie Belle.
Read the 5 parts... and it's quite the interesting story, yes.
Well balanced with the ''Vagabond'' parts and the ''Main Cast'' parts.
The reaction of Vagabond, when he ''lose it'' for a second, was a good painful-sad (we can feel it), and also the same for the CMC reaction.
Thank you so much to everyone who has provided the help with my spelling and grammar. I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. I am working on chapter seven right now. Chapter six should be posted very soon. I look forward to making appropriate corrections as you all find them, and I intensely hope the story is at least satisfactory. Feel free to talk to me if I happen to be editing the Chapters while you are reading them. I always look forward to talking to others to hear about their ideas, feelings, and notions. If for any reason, anyone wishes to contact me, let me know and I may be willing to provide my e-mail.
VastaKustutaEnjoy Sires and Dames {Gentlemen and Ladies}
Intolerance of any sort always strikes a chord with me, but I definetely felt sympathy, (and part of my breakfast), well-up inside my throat when the Vagabond was talking about his cutie marks. For that, I both thank and congratulate you; it's rare that a story of any sort envokes emotions beyond a mild chuckle for me.
VastaKustutaWorth reading as always! Keep up the good work; I look forward to seeing how this will turn out, especially with the cliffhanger you left us on.
-Taylor
Goddamn it. I hate it when good stories are incomplete.
VastaKustutaAs I was reading your story I thought that I was going to have to say something about the style of the writing. But after the first part, you're writing really matured. It was clear, consistent, and more relevant to what was important in the story.
Having said that, there are several times when, for one reason or another, you make Rarity use words like tis and twould. She's not English you know, she's Ger- I mean New Englandish. I don't know how to describe it, she uses lots of adverbs and such, but she's not Shakespeare.
Asides from that, I really love this story. A tale of forgiveness. I can't wait for the next installment.
Beautiful. :)
Well ponYthink,
VastaKustutaI do thank you for your comment and critique however, in Episode 1 the first time Rarity speaks her exact words are "No, no, no, oh goodness no." Twilight addresses her then she says, "Just a moment please I'm in the zone as twere."
Watch pensivepony's episode list it's part 2 of episode 1 1:08-1:10 on youtube.
I am not trying to be obtuse in regard to your comment, but I do believe that I keep true to Rarity's mode of speech.
I'm typing this on my cell phone so I hope it comes out alright. This story is amazingly in-depth for any fanfic. You have a way of really making the reader feel what each character is experiencing. I absolutely LOVE this story even if it is sad. I look forward to seeing it in its completed form.
VastaKustutawell hot damn look at that a part 7 good work
VastaKustuta-Mack
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaThe cast talking about the orbs of harmony threw me off...not sure if that's something the characters would do.
VastaKustutaOther than that, you did an amazing job bringing these characters to life. I also liked how you brought Zecora into the fic. Always fun to read fics that try to expand the world.
Can't wait to see chapter 8.
WE REQUIRE MOAR VAGABOND.
VastaKustutaWow, I sat down and read this last night. Love it.
VastaKustutaOrbs? Where did I say anything about orbs?
VastaKustutaThe end of the story is at han . . . hoof. Lol
By the way, this is not the end of the story.
VastaKustutapart 8 pretty much left me speechless...I just wished it hadn't ended that way
VastaKustutaFlawless. Victory.
VastaKustutaAhhhh!!! -cries- Where is the [Sad] tag!? Or [Noble] at least! Why do the good die horribly mutilated and with no chance for survival!?
VastaKustuta...
Awesome story, mate. Did you say Chapter 8 wasn't the end? If Chapter 9/The epilogue is funeral, it might as well be, but I am very curious about the "golden wings". Angel Pegasus?
But... but... he still had all his new live in front of him... noooooo T.T
VastaKustutaThat was DAMN powerful... I hope you continue to write, Truthseeker... even though you had some spelling errors and your grammar isn't perfect, your emotional capability is astounding. I applaud you on an excellent piece. 5/5
VastaKustutaDamn it, there is never anything for us British Bronies is there?
VastaKustutaManly tears have been shed..
VastaKustutaThat was beautiful, especially vagabond's realization of what love is and then how he... T.T
VastaKustutathe last chapter is the only thing i read and just that chapter is AWESOME
VastaKustuta(D4SHTH3R4INB0W)
You can ''predict'' a mile away that Vagabond will live, in the next Chapter.
VastaKustutaIt's also easy to ''predict'' one heck of an angry manifestation of fans, if the 'character which name IS the title of the story' doesn't survive and JUST stupidly die (even after that last big event)...
Or, in other words : That would be, DEEPLY, disappointing after all that build-up about him, his redemption, his future, his hopes, his ''insert something''... yeah.
Nova25, if that is the final chapter, I don't think his death was stupid. Sad? Yes. I cried, I'll admit it. But he didn't die unforgiven, and he didn't die in vain. I don't think you could ask for a much better way to go than that. Yes, it's sad he never got to continue spreading his cures and potions, but it isn't as though he died senselessly.
VastaKustutaOverall, 6 stars. Beautiful, moving story, well-written, just overall a great tale.
And if there is a 9th chapter, or an epilogue, I'm sure it'll be as good as the first eight.
Also, why was my username turned into a random string of letters and numbers?
VastaKustutaAnyway, it's Techpony, regardless.
If i recall correctly, every vagabond who has been forgiven leads an extraordinary life.
VastaKustutaDying isn't very extraordinary.
Hence he must live. Least i sure as hell hope so.
Manly tears were shed...MANLY TEARS!
VastaKustutaWell, not really; it was a bit predictable, but touching none-the-less. Even if it isn't the conclusion of the story, it was a great climax to an already engaging read.
Again, I thank you for such an interesting story.
I only have a couple complaints pertaining to this part. For those that don't want spoilers, READ THE DAMN STORY!
1. When a loved one is hurt or in danger, a dog doesn't just bark, THEY PANIC! They howl, bellow, scream, and do whatever they can to help or move the object of their affection, especially if they are in danger. I'm a little thrown back that Winona didn't look for Applejack or attack Vagabond.
2. This one isn't so much a complaint as an observation. Will the ponies mistake CPR for a form of "life-magic" due to their spiritual vision of Vagabond's wings, or will Twilight and Dr. Mend figure it out?
Those are my two cents; this was a wonderful story and I look forward to any future projects you might write, if you decide to, even if they aren't pony related, (though that would certainly make things easier).
@a85a4ea4-8fac-11e0-8a16-000bcdcb8a73
VastaKustutaThe thing here is that *WHOLE BIG ENORMOUS and FULL of hope* potential that is build-up, then...
(insert voice) : ''I saved that Cute Puppy, bye now, I'm dead, don't mind anything else because I saved this cute little puppy, it's not like I talked about my future and all that stuff or anything''.
Sad, yes. Good, yes... until the end that is. It feels like the character just ''crashed'' into a wall.
It's a bit disappointing, if this ends there or he doesn't miraculously survive, in order to accomplish his new ''greater'' goal in life...
A greater goal that is in fact mentioned by Twilight, for the Vagabonds that manage to be pardoned and stay alive.
That would be very odd to mention all those stuff about redemption, greater good once pardoned, his new/future projects in life, and... just throw everything in the trash, just for a metaphorical ''saved puppy''.
For this event to really serve its purpose, he needs to live.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaHe may end up "living" an extraordinary life from the afterlife. His recipes may spread around equestria and save many lives. While he is not living he will still impact the world greatly with his remedies.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaI'm thinking the extraordinary, has already been started. It's upto Dr. Mend's job to do the rest. At least, that's what I think from what I've read.
There is no need for a verbal war. I am working on . . . the stuff that comes next. I'm afraid I can't say anymore than that. Needless to say I think what comes after will be liked by all. NOTE: it will be fairly short. It is a wrap up.
VastaKustutaDon't let peoples need for closure force you to rush an ending. Take your time, as personally I think this is a damn good story, and the ending needs needs to be a length to do it justice.
VastaKustutaSame as anonpony above, love the story regardless. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more of your stories and I'm very excited for the ending.
VastaKustutaNEED AN EPILOGUE!
VastaKustutaTried reading, but looks like it got nuked by google docs tos. Mitt wanna upload to ff.net or get a DA page.
VastaKustutaThis is a problem. I'm creating a Fanfiction.net account. Hopefully this will nullify the problem. Apparently it's to 'VIOLENT' for Google Docs. I promise I will have it up as soon as at all possible.
VastaKustutaFirst it was down, now it seems to be back up (for now) - google docs seems to be a fickle thing at the moment...
VastaKustutaCan the author post a link to the last chapter somewhere other than on GoogleDocs? I am getting the "breach of terms of service" page which is so not fair this close to the end!!!
VastaKustutaI really enjoyed this fic. A simple enough premise to work with without being over-complicated, and despite the plot centered around an OC, plenty of focus on the rest of the characters and how they react, rather than his presence overpowering the story.
VastaKustutaLooking forward to when part 8 gets restored!
Part 9 needs fixing
VastaKustutaThe link to part 9 is way off
VastaKustutaPart 9 links to blogger.com
VastaKustutaWhat they said.
VastaKustutaPart 9 is off. (As the people before me said.)
VastaKustutaAs far as I am able to ascertain, the previous 5 post are accurate in their entirety.
VastaKustutaSame as the 6 posts above me.
VastaKustutaI'm being helpful. Somehow.
You are being helpful by pointing out how helpful the other posts are, thus fractally inducing your helpfulness.
VastaKustutaBy the way, the above 7 posts are correct.
The above 7 post are correct, the 8th, is somehow wrong.
VastaKustutaNow, en Francais!
VastaKustutaTous les neuf postes-dessus de moi sont corrects, mais ils sont malheureusement dans une langue tout à fait germane.
BROKEN LINK! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!!!!!
VastaKustuta@La Barata
VastaKustutaDo what now?
So we're making a joke of repeatedly acknowledging the broken link? Okay...
VastaKustutaUm...
Let's see, maybe I can do a haiku:
The ninth chapter link
redirects to a blog site
which is a bit odd.
That's funny, right?
Dat ending...
VastaKustutaBravo
VastaKustuta-M.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaConfound this software, I don't even know how I did that. Great job on the ending, I was a little unsure after the way Chapter 8 ended (like Nova above), but you managed to wrap it up in a satisfying manner. I'll be looking forward to your next series, if I read your final lines correctly.
VastaKustutaThree words:
VastaKustutaOne Word: FANTASTIC!
Looking forward to your next story. Here's hoping it'll be just as awesome!
I eagerly await the next piece of this delightful saga. Bravo.
VastaKustutaWell, its a nice story you have got here, but in the end the main character was becoming too Mary Sueiss for my taste, still, very engaging, I specially love the way you build up the history of Vagabond, It kept me interest all the way through.
VastaKustutaOverall, I gave it a 4 out of 5, because I have a thing against Mary sues...
GASP!
VastaKustutaThere's more to come?!
What can I say that I haven't already? Well done.
minor typo in the letter to Celestia; should be easy enough to spot.
@Enrique262
VastaKustutaWhile not flat-out stated, it's heavily implied that Vagabond has and continues to receive A LOT of help from his good friend on the other side.
He's not the Mary Sue, Arabesque is. Ghosts are usually portrayed that way, especially the omniscient variety.
I must say, this is incredibly well written; the ponies were portrayed so well that I could hear them speak and the plot was absolutely riveting. Please keep writing as your silence would be a travesty to the literary world.
VastaKustutaGreat ending! (OR IS IT?!?!) :D
VastaKustuta*salutes*
A very entertaining story. While Vagabond was the central character, he didn't overtake the rest of the cast or plot (which is a fine line to walk). If I'm understanding your last line, there's some to come. I shall look foward to it. Great job.
VastaKustuta>You died a hero.
VastaKustuta-Woopy-doo, meh...
>potion >Did you know it works even after the body has died?
-(sigh)...Well, I guess I will take this odd, yet convinient deus ex machina? It's better than nothing, after all.
-Coma, huh? I guess this can work... healed body maintained alive (they have the techs for that?) in a coma, can return 'alive' after some amount of time.
>Remember what you said about traveling and leaving a legacy?
-Yeah, remember that folks ? ;)
>The thought of a piece of cake woke the stallion up all the way
-Pinky Pie's cakes, who wouldn't ! :D
...the scenes with those ''whose lives have been touched by the Vagabond'', where they all come to welcome him back from his coma, was a pretty good addition...
>THE TRIALS OF THE ELEMENTS
-...? A follow-up series, probably taking place some time in his future, I suppose ?
I had great expectation from this series, and... I would like to think so at least... I think it was up to the task, even if I had some 'doubts', for a moment, from the previous Chapter.
FUCK that was a good story.
VastaKustutaTo Nova25, the most confusing critic/fan I have ever heard of. I appreciate you even if I can't figure out what you're saying half the time.
VastaKustutaTo Taylor, the most effective and polite person I have ever had kick my a** in grammar. I thank you deeply and appreciate your every word (even if it is to point out my mistakes).
And, of course, to DoubleMallow, The Overmind, Krass Mcwriter, La Barata, Tast, McHammer, Techpony, Springtime Blues, maskedmustelid, Geekthras, fieryShaman, Rainbooms Inc., and eenor5000 . . . and it would only be right to mention: Bitmun, Drax, and Enrique.
A huge round of thanks to my first brony friend Mack. I hope I get to meet you someday buddy.
@Truthseeker
VastaKustuta...? Confusing ? So you say... but I don't deny it, entirely, either.
I always have so much on my mind after reading a story, what can I say ?
Reading, Analysing, observing, compairing infos, making theories and wondering how they can hold, quick thoughts and notes here and there, isolating and separating each individual elements that I find Good or Bad... cycle back from the start ;)
as someone very close to the story I was confused that you gave him his wings and then when he was with arabasque she referred to him as the wingless pegasus. just a thought
VastaKustutaThose wings everypony saw were metaphysical/magical. You will see when the next part is completed.
VastaKustutaI am still accepting critiques. Why have the comments dropped to nothing?
VastaKustutaAwesome ending to and awesome story
VastaKustuta>immanent sequel
Me gusta
This made me cry. :(
VastaKustutaBravo. This was a great story.
Though one thing confused me,he must have cried for Arabasque,she isn't him.
will you be posting a sequel soon? this was a literary masterpiece.
VastaKustutaYes, in fact it's pending right now.
VastaKustutaYou made it continue! I knew you'd never let us down!
VastaKustutaOther elements eh?
VastaKustutaThis should be interesting
Oh snap, new elements in the horizon. Are the mane six going to have any part in this sequel? Also, is braggadocious a word? (goes and looks up) It is :D
VastaKustutaI learned a new word
oooh side story
VastaKustutacant read it now...
In fact I think I will wait until afew chapters are completed....
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaSomewhere, one brony wants that DrMendxVagabond ship to happen.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaIt wasn't any one cliche that bothered me. It was all of them combined that pushed it over the edge. I think the exact point I snapped was the glowy wings.
VastaKustutamy god dude you're an awesome writer, keep up the good work!
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta"Author wants everyone to know that the shipping will happen later, with mares, not between the two main characters."
VastaKustutaHere I was, getting worked up when I saw [Shipping] in the tags, thinking something was going to happen between Mend and Valiant.
oh well lol
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta>His pain is already taking its toll on his body.
VastaKustuta-Ah ? huh... ok ?
Might just be Chapter 1, but we didn't read anything remotely suspicious, about anything physical, regarding Mend in the previous Story series ?
>The most powerful magic in Equestria was not made to handle things such as this
-What ? why ? ...what ?
''most powerful magic'' not handling... something ?
>The Elements of Harmony cannot save Mend.
-Ok... All things considered... That's going down into ''weird-what-huh?'' pretty darn fast, right now...
>He needs something more geared toward his type of wound.
-...?
Physical wounds -> Potion/Heal/Magic. (simple)
Emotions/Mind/Heart -> Elements of harmony. (a bit more complexe)
...what ? His SOUL is hurt or something ? (there's not many categories left, see.)
>There are other Elements which need to awaken.
-...(sigh)... Really, Elements with a *S* ?
What, is there another set of 6 that was mysteriously hidden in a forgotten drawer inside a crypt... again ?
Didn't know that ULTIMATE-Artifacts-of-SUPREME-Magic were THAT common... Maybe (more realistically) there's just 1 New Element then ? ...(that or apparently those things pop up everywhere like popcorn, or something...)
But seriously... considering that it is STATED in the show that the *Elements of Harmony* are the most powerful magical thingies known in Equestria... pulling ONE additional Element CAN be ok, like some hidden Element of stuff... TWO more Elements ? That's stretching a bit, but, meh, that can work...
But... 3,4,5...6! additional Elements ? THAT would be simply crazy and ridiculous.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaPersonally, I think you might be jumping the gun a little. All of the parts you're quoting can be considered foreshadowing, and it really depends on how he presents these new elements. You should note that he didn't say that those extra elements were Elements of Harmony.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaBasicly stating that there IS another set of Elements with equal power to the Elements of Harmony (most powerful thing existing, blablabla, etc... In a few words : Super artifacts of Doom) is... a bit BIG to go with.
I mean, even when some story pull extra Magical Elements... It's 1 or maximum 2... Or, if they are the Negative version, at least they are in another (dark-)dimension...
@ vagabond, You are an exquisite writer with amazing style. Don't listen to these people talking about cliches and MendxVagabond. Its awesome the way it is.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaWoah! Nova 25 you might want to consider taking a relaxant, a sedative, or maybe slow down on the caffeine/sugar/crack or whatever it is you take.
VastaKustutaBe at ease my critical friend. All will be explained in time. Not to worry, I still enjoy hearing from you in whatever form that takes. I take it as a good thing that you haven't corrected me on any spelling errors yet, and I assume that can only mean you have not found any. If it is really bothering you that much just message me on Flankbook. Yes, I will even give you spoilers if you REALLY want them. I am never too busy to chat with anyone I consider a friend.
I do not want anyone believing the name I use is in reference to any kind of self-insert. Just to clear the air from a couple of irritated e-mails I received:
VastaKustuta1. This is not a self-insert.
2. This is not a self-insert.
3. This is not a self-insert.
4. This is not a self-insert.
5. This is not a self-insert.
I believe that covers all the 'concerns' that five others had in regard to the story series.
Just to clarify:
I'm a pudgy security officer who works the overnight shift, 40+ hours a week, in downtown Norfolk, Virginia, near the docks. I hand-write all the chapters while I'm at work, then type up as much as I can before I get up and do it all over again. I am in no way at all similar to Valiant in either personality or skills! He's just somepony I made up!
Please, just enjoy the story for what it is, a story.
p.s.: That's why it takes me so long to post chapters.
really nova? it's called fanfiction for a reason.
VastaKustutaLove it, best story I've read in a very long time.
VastaKustutaDoctor Mend is SO ANNOYING. Reading about him makes me all stabbity. The parts that he's not in are good, I guess.
VastaKustuta@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaI can ''try'' to be less ''analitical'', less ''observing'' and less ''I read and then wonder about think''... if that's what you want... ?
Also, honestly, I'm quite not sure to appreciate the sedative ''suggestion'' and the comparaison to an addict.
-----
@foxynaia
(sigh) I analyse, observe, wonder about stuff and make theories, question their validity and more, as I read... I do with what I know, what material I have access, and what's given so far from story(ies).
What can I say ? Seriously ?
@Nova25
VastaKustutaHe never stated that these other elements were as powerful as the Elements of Harmony. All that could really be inferred is that they were different from the Elements of Harmony. Just because they're called elements doesn't mean they're as powerful as the Elements of Harmony. Like I said earlier, it depends on how they're actually presented in in the story.
In any case.
VastaKustuta(Trials Ch.2 read)
>But you hit on one of the only things that can make me violently angry. I do not and will never approve of that kind of thing. Pinkie isn't even old enough to date anyway.
-My initial theory is that his problem must be related to his youth... something about his 'relation' with his parent(s), maybe ?
(Disclaimer (yeah, I need that now ''apparently'') : *This is only a Theory, a thought. It is in no way a -statement of facts-, merely an observation based on possible/probable scenarios.*)
>Valiant wondered the city
-wandered ?
>my brain work about 4 times faster than the average pony
>I'm such a heavy sleeper and my appetite's so big
-Hmm, a male unicorn ?... So, Lime is like a super-mix of Pinky Pie+Twilight+Rainbow Dash ?
...cool !
>At only age 36, Mend was by no means old, but he looked to be in his mid fifties
-He's 36 years odl, but he looks like he's 50 ? So... he just looks older than he really is. Is that it ?
...So, Mend has some sort of psychological-dependency toward studying, because of the unstable love-hate relation his mother had for him (solidified by her death) ?
That works, it's quite probable... this is familiar territory...
>a few shortcuts back t the dorms.
-to the
>Valiant noticed out f the corner
-of the
@Nova25 To be perfectly blunt Nova25, no, I do not wish you to be any less analytical or observant in any way, whatsoever. My comment before was meant to be completely playful. Did you even read the rest of that comment? It said,
VastaKustuta"Be at ease my critical friend. All will be explained in time. Not to worry, I still enjoy hearing from you in whatever form that takes. I take it as a good thing that you haven't corrected me on any spelling errors yet, and I assume that can only mean you have not found any. If it is really bothering you that much just message me on Flankbook. Yes, I will even give you spoilers if you REALLY want them. I am never too busy to chat with anyone I consider a friend."
Did I or did I not refer to you as a friend? And yes, I consider you to be one. Since Taylor seems to have forgotten about the story, you are my last really reliable critic. I NEVER meant to insult you and if I came across like that I apologize. As I said before, "I appreciate your input in whatever form it takes." And to that statement, do I hold.
To the rest of my highly-valued posters, please post as many thoughts as you feel like, I value every letter. I deeply appreciate your defense of the story, but there is no need to get into any kind of argument about it (especially with Nova25). I cannot stop anyone from doing anything, however, so if you feel the NEED to get into an argument, go for it I guess.
To everyone, I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoy writing it, and please leave many, many, many, many, many, many (as Live-Wire would say) comments about it.
Love you all.
Looks at the image this story uses.
VastaKustutaThis look familiar.
Copies into paint.
Flip horizontally.
Definitely familiar.
Looks at book shelf.
Sees R.A.Salvatore book.
I see what you did there.
I haven't read much of this, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say this will make a good theme song for it.
VastaKustutahttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqJ6ybCrEcA
This is a wonderful story I bawled my eyes out in the last few chapters of Vagabond and i can not wait to see where you go with Trials. Valiant is such a well written character it's so easy to get attached to him
VastaKustutaYou aren't using power tools, are you?
VastaKustutaPower tools? What does that have to do with anything?
VastaKustutaBoth of these series are fantastic, keep up the wonderful work!
VastaKustutaI might have teared up a little on part 8 and cheered on part 9, but no one can prove it and I'll deny it in court.
VastaKustutaAt any rate well done. This is one of the better fics I've read.
Trials 3 :
VastaKustuta>“No more deaths. I can't fail. Never again, never again. I can't fail. No more deaths.” Mend kept up the quiet chant as he seemed to disconnect himself from the idea that Valiant still occupied the same room.
-Yep, all the signs of a perfectly sane pony with a stable mind.
>Valiant began his search by section and eventually found himself pouring over older editions of the Canterlot news paper 'Equestria Daily'
-This name is oddly familliar for some reasons ? ;)
>In the past, unicorns who pushed themselves too hard have inadvertently leveled entire towns.
-Must be a very RARE occurance or else, considering the LARGE population of Unicorns, there would be much intact places left in Equestria ?
Also, it makes me wonder, because since basicly any unicorn have the potential to ''push themselves too hard''... well... it sure depends on what kind of world you choose for the story, but... No kamikaze unicorns or armies using unicorn-bomb-that-can-level-a-town (or Evil Secret Societies) ?
I'm guessing the size of the ''boom'' would depend on the actual unicorn's level of magic ?
Like, Sweetie Belle=A small shack, and Twilight=Manehattan ?
Just wondering, that's all.
>she is capable of levitating other ponies, that takes a fair bit of magic and plenty of practice
-Huh ? Isn't telekinesis, like the base power unicorn learn to use first ?
Sure, the *size and weight and levitated distance* make things progressively harder the bigger the thing is, but ponies aren't that big (relatively), no ?
Just thinking.
Yay! Nova25 is back!
VastaKustutaO.K. to answer your question, I do believe that, yes, telekinesis is one of if not the first power a unicorn gains, but consider a few things, here:
1. Have you even seen a pony levitate another pony? (and I obviously remember the Ursa Minor)
2. Why not? Is it against the law? (that seems like a likely possibility)
3. Ponies are not that big, but there is a world of difference between the pressures and strains that an inanimate object can take as compared to that of a living being. Lifting a rock is easy, have you ever tried lifting a wiggling piglet? I speculate, that the two would involve very different spells:
1. Lifting an object. (lift force vs. weight, pressure not a concerning factor)
2. Lifting a living thing. (lift force vs. weight, counter-balance by gentle sustained pressure to ensure the subject sustains no damaging injuries)
The equations for each one would be as different as: dead-lifting a stump vs. picking up a newborn. One requires a great deal of raw power, the other requires a great deal of raw power + finesse + concentration and a good supply of magic to pull it off in the first place.
I love you comments Nova25.
To Jace Arveduin, I say 'Horah!' Someone actually found piece one, of my puzzle of subtlety. Now for you Jace, I have a prize. E-mail me at: [email protected]
Now to anyone else wondering, there are several more pieces. Send me what you think they are. I'll give you some hints: numbers that refer to Valiant's accidental crime. (if you can't figure that one out, I worry), and tell me what music, comics, books, ect. inspired me. Those who respond correctly first get a nice prize.
The next chapter should be up no later than Monday (I sent to Sethisto at around 3 p.m. E.S.T.) Enjoy, my friends, this next one is one of the few that I'm actually fairly satisfied with.
@Jace Arveduin
VastaKustutaAhh, Stratovarius :)
One of my favorite is ''Stratofortress'' : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-i-LhRudP4
and also ''Elements'' : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe7DXLFsgI8
Vagabond is a good one too, yeah.
Ah, one of the few stories I drop everything to read. (Family, lolwut?)
VastaKustutaQuiet happy to the beginnings of a resolution to "Conflict One: Battlefield Mend". Little surprised it happened to quickly (or started, at least), but I suppose I was assuming it was the central conflict in this, eh... Is it an arc? As much as I read I don't know what an arc is...
BUT... I digress. I'd love to provide a more constructive response, but I'm lazy, family is calling, and Nova seems to have that covered. Until next time!
So many typos in that comment, and no delete button on mobile site. Quite*, to see the*, so quickly*... Oh wait, just three that I saw. Sorry, too impatient to get on a computer, but too OCD to let then go uncorrected.
VastaKustutaLooks like it's getting more obvious who the deranged unicorn may be, unless it's a coincidence. And now possibly a new mystery? Distant relative mayhaps?
VastaKustutaI NEED MOAR
VastaKustutaDamn this is a good read. Can't wait for more, Truthseeker.
VastaKustuta4th part of the second story could explain the very last phrase better as too who is whispering it.
VastaKustutaPart 4 is up.
VastaKustutaAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Well you all asked for it so here it is. (it will be as soon as it is up)
VastaKustutaI still don't know why so many people asked for my interpretation of the story of Nightmare Moon, when there are so many fantastic ones already, but it is in the update queue.
I'm liking the emphasis on the twelve vices of the subjugated ponies.
VastaKustutaLying
Cruelty
Sorrow
Betrayal
Despair
Impatience
Ignorance
Denial
Laziness
Hate
If I was a betting man, I'd bet that it's not the last time those come up.
Whenever I think about and read the part of the story where Vagabond selflessly saves the CMC and Granny, Disturbed's song "Indestructible" comes ringing in my ears.
VastaKustutasooo...valiant is an element of peace...i'm guessing so is dr. mend and Live Wire
VastaKustutaYou have great writing, however if I may address the fact that multiple pegasus is spelled pegasi and not pegasai.
VastaKustuta[INTERLUDE SPOILER]
Nice origin story of Nightmare Moon, however I feel the addition of the Elements of Peace slightly defeats the purpose of the power of the Elements of Harmony.
I was also slightly annoyed at the fact the one of the pegasi managed to pull off a sonic rainboom, while going AGAINST the gravitational pull, we've seen RD try and fail numerous times (with gravity as her 'ally') so this seems unreasonable.
The NMM 'edition' was so-so in my opinion since it's magic (and you don't have to explain sh*t) but not that it needed the 'rainboom' similarity slapped onto it.
I also didn't feel the need of 'this is why we have wonderbolts' addition. But to each his own.
[/ INTERLUDE SPOILER]
Keep up the good work and don't let us down.
(I'll keep reading anyhow and if I find things contradicting we always have alternate universes.)
And thanks for taking the time to write this up.
Elements if peace, eh? I could see that being the reason Celestia couldn't cleanse Luna, but for some reason I don't like them. Howwwwwwwwwwwever... I still like reading this, so ONWARD THRUTHSEEKER! The ending awaits!
VastaKustuta... I mean, if that's ok with you... If you don't mind...
Oh my gosh no delete button on mobile site. Terribly sorry for mutilating your name, Truth.
VastaKustuta@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaSorry about that, I haven't had internet for awhile, and my e-mail is blocked because some hacker used it to spam emails, though I've switched it up, it still won't let me email people >.<"
To 'Anonymous' DING DING DING! We have a winner! Correct, that is one of the pieces of music that inspired me. For that particular scene I was inspired by both Indestructible by 'Disturbed', and Blooded by 'Within Temptation'. Very well done.
VastaKustutaAny way onward. It seems that I have more than a couple of errors in regard to spelling the plural of pegasus . . . corrected. And thank you very much for pointing that out.
Next, I don't believe I have ever displeased my readers so badly before now. I truly apologize for my lack. I will try to do better in the future.
Next, in reference to the Sonic Rainboom, the speed of sound, I believe, is actually faster than Terminal Velocity, so going either with or against gravity wouldn't matter all that much. Besides, I had to use SOMETHING to explain why the Everfree Forrest is the way it is. It just seems to fit. I apologize if you don't like the explanation. If it's all that important, call me!
Anyway the Elements of Peace do not at all defeat the purpose of the Elements of Harmony. The Elements of Peace are almost solely defensive, while their female counterparts are almost solely offensive. The Elements of Peace really only have their armor, strength, and resilience. The Elements of Harmony have EVERYTHING ELSE, and are BY FAR the more powerful. (And yes the leaders of both groups have one special thing which I will not indulge)
As always, I appreciate EVERY COMMENT.
Thank you all.
I finished up to the end of the "Vagabond" story. Great story. Somehow the way you write the narrative and/or the character, Vagabond is generally likable as his character developed. Reading it was a pleasure, though typos plague the reading experience here and there.
VastaKustutaYou piqued my interest in how you'll continue the story without the mane 6 (I think), as the canon main characters are often the reason people read fanfics. It doesn't matter for me now, as Valiant and Dr. Mend seem to be leaving Ponyville and are destined for greatness on their own, and I'm quite looking forward to it!
@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaPlease don't think I am displeased with neither your writing nor your story, I rather enjoyed it actually.
The speed of sound at sea level is approx.
340.29 m/s and I (not that I am a great physicist) find that 'getting' an additional 'boost' of speed of ~9.82 m/s^2 from the 'fall' itself and add the speed from the actual flying (if we assume Equestria has the same gravitational pull as Earth, and assuming you are flying straight down) it seems that flying against the gravitational pull (not getting the 'free fall bonus'.)
I don't dislike the NMM edition used to explain why the Everfree Forest is the way it is, but i find that a lot of stuff just gets slapped on 'sonic rainboom' in fanfics (or maybe just the ones I read?)
I know that the Elements of Peace are not supposed to be as powerful as the Elements of Harmony, but in the massive amounts of stories and such that people are very easily skipping the minor details (often the ones only mentioned once but still canon) and take a lot of liberties 're-forming' the world into what they want.
Not saying it's a bad thing, but I find some of it more annoying than the other (This may be because I'm sort of a perfectionist, except when i have to judge my own stuff)
Anyway keep up the good work and keep writing, because as long as you do, I'll keep reading.
Minor details: If you are to listen to what AJ says in The Sonic Rainboom (and believe it), RD is the only pony to have ever performed a sonic rainboom (Although PP makes food for thought when she says: "The sonic rainboom is legendary. When a pegasus like Rainbow Dash gets going so fast,'BOOM' a sonic boom and a rainbow can happen all at once." Implying 'anypony' (like RD) can do it.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-5JBrMIHx4#t=03m40s
*it seems that flying against the gravitational pull (not getting the 'free fall bonus'.) would make the 'rainboom speed' that much harder to obtain (darn naggit, why did it have to cut off my sentences?)
VastaKustutaGot some time on the bus and an hour free today so I read the newer "Trials of the Elements".
VastaKustutaBe careful of typos. Also, you need to realize the difference between "loose" and "lose". One other misuse is the word "raze" as opposed to "raise".
That done with, I'm REALLY enjoying the adventures. Live Wire feels like a good friend/pony, even if he can talk one's ears off. I like how Dr. Mend is like a reflection of Valiant at this point, and his breakdown stirred up an emotion in me, so exemplary job right there!
Two observations:
1) Are you a med student/young doctor? Your fics really give me that vibe.
2) Unicorns' conditions in overusing magic reminds me a lot of uncontrolled and untrained psykers in the world of Warhammer 40k. I wonder if it's coincidental?
@Anonymous
VastaKustutathis story is full of win
6/5
@Enfid In reference to the typos, it is positively no help at all, unless you tell me where they are (at least what chapter). I have a lot going on and I cannot just go back and re-read the whole thing. I do appreciate you telling me about the typos just tell me what they are and where they are.
VastaKustutaI am neither a med student nor a young doctor. I am a pudgy security officer and former (believe it or not) pig farmer (I was in charge of the 'farrowing field')
Thank you all very much for all the comments and I sincerely look forward to seeing many more. The next chapter is in the queue.
@Bunny 34 Well Bunny 34, to counter you well written argument, I reference the 'Sonic Rainboom'. In the competition itself R.D. was initially flying upward to pull it off. Second in the episode where all the main cast tell the story of how they got their cutie-marks, R.D. says something along the lines of 'most pegasus thought the Sonic Rainboom was just a legend, but that day I proved them wrong'.
VastaKustutaAnyway, I'm trying to do my best here. I can't help it if my writing is not perfect, but my D20 Future players don't tend to complain.
I sincerely hope everyone enjoys the pending chapter more than the last one. (I'm trying something new in the next chapter)
@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaI'll keep an eye out and note down the typos from this point on.
Holy crap, was that a Reboot reference in part 5? I freaking love you.
VastaKustutaThat reference has got to be Reboot hasn't it? Al says "What?"
VastaKustutaHa! Just read to the end! What's my prize?
VastaKustutaIs the reference to Barret's bar from FF7?
VastaKustuta@Zerone
VastaKustutaNein. It's reference to Reboot, a quality 90's CG animation.
This is another crossover that needs to happen; I don't care how it happens, but I need to see what happens to Equestria when Hexadecimal's thrown into it.
Reboot is correct. When guessing at one of my little puzzles I will need a name to go on with the person posting it. So Anonymous, please e-mail me so I know who you are. Jace Arveduin, I need a way to contact you too, since your e-mail is down.
VastaKustutaI must admit I am highly surprised and positively delighted, anyone caught on so quickly. It makes me feel all warm and squishy inside, either that or I sat on something. *looks under my butt* All clear!
My previous challenge is still in effect, find the hidden clues and puzzle out the music that inspired me. I'm already working on the next Part.
Oh yeah, I forgot, my cellular provider allows me unlimited calls, unlimited texts, unlimited long distance, and unlimited internet use. This is not an advertisement so I will not divulge the name of my provider. If anyone wants to talk, I'm up from 4:00 p.m. E.S.T. or 1:00 p.m. P.S.T. and I've previously posted my phone number several times. This is primarily for prize winners but is open for all.
VastaKustutaDoes anyone ever change the official star rating? This has qualified for 5 stars for over a month now.
VastaKustutaSir, I do say Sir, You are worth of Hero worship. I'd phone you, but that I think would be pretentious. Also, I live in australia, Soi'd wake you up in the middle of the night to be pretentious. Rock on, dear sir. Rock on
VastaKustutaAlso (Herp-a-Derp) just realised the (possibly Unintentional) Referance to Limewire, That freind to Musical Pirates everywhere. YAY!!!
VastaKustuta@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaI'll do you one better, I'm this guy right here.
HARGH! I am anon no longer!
...I suddenly feel very exposed...
I don't control what the rating is. I think it's that if none of the admin reads a story the star rating is left alone.
VastaKustutaTo Bronode,
E-mail me: [email protected]
Your prize is a (short) fanfic written to your specifications, which I will write for you and E-mail you. I only ask that if you decide to post it publicly that you please give me credit for the work, and yeah of course, I will specify that you are the first one to collect on one of the prizes.
To Jace Arveduin,
Your prize is also a (short) fanfic of whatever you want to your specifications. Same rules as above apply, except you were the very first one to have gotten one of my puzzles correct.
Remember, there are still more puzzles to be solved and plenty of musical references to tap into. The top prize is the most obscure, it is a link in reference to what happened in Valiant's past. The prize for that one is a cameo of YOU (whoever you may be) in one of the upcoming chapters. If it is not claimed by the time the story is complete I will divulge the obscure reference, and the Challenge will have ended.
Have fun everypony, oh and check out a couple of other stories. I can recommend 'Past Sins' by Pen Stroke, and 'Macintosh' by Total Overflow.
Had four people ask for what each character's voice sounds like. Odd but, alright I can see that. I'm not too good with actors' names so I'll just leave it to my readers to come up with some appropriate ones:
VastaKustutaMend
Lemon Lime
Trooper
Sea Blue
Evening star
Dr. Avalon
Valiant
Having just gotten up-to-date with this story, I can definitely say I enjoyed it. That said, there were a few things that stuck out for me.
VastaKustuta1. Formatting/punctuation. It may have been Googledocs' fault, but there were fairly consistent, ah, inconsistencies with how indentation and paragraph spacing were handled. Also, commas seemed to be misplaced quite frequently - this is honestly just a pet peeve of mine, but their absences and incorrect placings were a fair bit distracting at times. (This is ridiculous on my part, since I myself am hardly perfect with them)
2. Characterization was certainly not bad by any means, but I can see why certain people suspected self-insertion: the character of Vagabond/Valiant felt somewhat overdone at times, his sentiments and codes even more so. Combine this with the fact that literally everypony (damn, that word feels weird coming off the fingertips) feels instantaneous sympathy for him or has a massive change of heart within a few scenes, and the dreaded phrase "Mary Sue" starts to pop up. Frankly, I hate the idea that characters ought to be "balanced" as if they were living in a video game (so long as they're interesting and believable, I'm satisfied), but Vagabond's abilities, discipline, and knack for swaying characters over to his side almost effortlessly does chip away at the illusion of the story. The second story's version of Valiant is far less credulity-straining, though the scene of his biting open his own leg was a bit out there (unless you're trying to show that he retains serious self-destructive impulses, in which case I would recommend having characters point out or notice this trait at some point, lest readers think it was an error of some kind).
3. The second-story incarnation of Mend is being handled fairly well so far, but I'd caution against having him overcome his issues too quickly. It's rare, so far as I know, for someone to break out of even something as simple as circular thinking easily (I know I can't!), and Mend has that plus hallucinations. That said, his breakthrough with Valiant worked; the emotional impact was well done, and that carried the scene.
4. This one isn't an issue, but I was struck by a thought while reading the interlude - have you read Nietzsche? Your description of how the Elements of Peace and Harmony were created resonates with his theories on the origins of what he calls "slave morality". Since you're dealing with a good deal of philosophy already (mainly utilitarianism, it seems like), I wouldn't be surprised if the reference was intentional. :) (Aside: be careful not to get too heavy handed with any moralizing; blatant preaching is the story-killer - learn from Terry Goodkind's hilariously disastrous mistakes)
5. Nice job peppering the scenes with references to the muggings, it helped build the atmosphere and injected some additional tension. Plus, I think I caught some cool foreshadowing going on - love it!
Sorry if this whole thing seems overly-critical (and overlong!); I really did like the first story, and the second is shaping up to surpass its precursor quite quickly. As always, I encourage you to trust yourself more than this comment - you know what you want to do with this thing, and I don't want you to encourage you to turn it into something that's not your story anymore.
I am absolutely in love with your story and the characters you've created and added to, but I have a few concerns that I would like to make known:
VastaKustuta1. Your characters are the high point of your tales in my opinion and throughout both stories you have kept them consistent and real (as real as talking ponies can feel). However, the character of Valiant is becoming a tad cliche. While he has kept up with the positives of his personality, the negatives are hard to find, and as an author that clearly know his stuff you surely understand that for a character to be great they must have their flaws. I know that Valiant essentially put his past behind him at the end of the first story, but I'm sure you could work in some negative behavior, some lingering subconscious effects of his ordeal because even he would have a hard time coming out of that experience psychologically whole. I don't mean to be presumptuous as you may have something planned to work this out.
2. I really enjoy Lemon Lime and his interesting condition, it certainly makes him endearing, but I have a similar concer with his character. As he has said himself his condition has caused him to be a bit of a social pariah. However, everytime he mentions this he doesn't seem entirely phased by it. I'm sure somepony with his condition in real life would experience some sort of fraying in there sanity, maybe the brain aging quicker then normal or stress with having to deal with ponies that are technically inferior to him. Again I may be being presumptuous with you having a solution in the works.
3. This one keeps taking me out of the story: not every character needs to have a tragic past, good characters can come out of good up bringings.
Absolutely love your stories man, keep up the good work!
... wait ? Part 5 ? How did I missed *3* Updates of THAT story ? Damn you backlog ! (and your current 167 bookmarks... Too many new stories per day. Damn)...
VastaKustutaTrail 4:
>but the old Librarian didn't like me too well,
>She was a purple unicorn, but I never caught her name.
-Pretty sure this wasn't Twilight, right ?
...unless the ''Library-Tower'' was also her appartment, or she worked there ? (both like her current situation in Ponyville).
But I would think that Twilight, in those days, being the Princess' personal student and all, that she would have been entirely dedicated to studying with no time for a job (even more so, considering her personality) ?
>Her assistant was nice enough. His name was Spike
-...See improbability report, just above.
>The sound reverberated off the surrounding buildings and echoed through the street
>every pony on the street began laughing uncontrollably.
-Oh Noes ! A Mass-Hilarity spell ! Quick, plug your ears with these bananas ! ;)
>You're failing at life by staying like this!
-Huhhh... You know, that does sound pretty odd, even in this situation. ;)
>“They're dead Valiant.” he sobbed brokenly. Mend’s voice was chocked with sorrow, “Oh, Goddess, they're dead!”
-A classic, and proper emotionnal reaction. :)
I don't see this 'specific' one very often (stories, movies...), but it's probably one of those I find the most interesting and fascinating.
>a beautiful pair of Celestia-sized golden wings resting on Valiant’s shoulders, precisely where his wing-stumps were
-Honestly... I don't know what to think of that. It's just... a strange thing, right now ?
(Is it supposed to be one of those ''macguffin'' thingy, or whatever the name for those things is ?)
Interlude :
VastaKustuta>The two sisters, seeing the bravery of the twelve ponies, entrusted them with magical gifts, each of which gave them power.
-Wait, wait... wait ? THEY -created- THE Elements ?? ...and not just ONE set, but TWO !
...because, even if we 'choose' to look at this differently, and say that the artefacts were already existing, well... That still leave that TWELVE extremely powerful artefacts were just lying around, unused, while hell was loose.
>Suddenly six pegasi erupted from within the circle of pedestals, each grabbing a sphere, and flew off in a V-formation.
>The stallion's rainbow colored mane and tail flared
-Does that mean that the Main Cast had pegasi for ancestors ? Even considering the fact that there's nothing, later, preventing them from marrying Unicorns or Earth Ponies (this is absolutely possible, on a genetic level (plus, well, magic))... All of them being all pegasi at the same time, at that moment in time, sounds a bit odd ?
... I'm conflicted by this 'Interlude ...
-----
Trials 5 :
>“Hey Al, we need two orders of hay fries, nice and crispy.”
>A disembodied, husky stallion's voice answered her from the back,
>“What?”
-Wait ! COuld it be ! ...is it a 'ReBoot' reference ! :D ...:D
Oh wow, the memories... I was a huge fan of that series, back in the days : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBjWCT4NPHI
>The unicorn flew, in the air, backwards almost ten paces and landed on his back, dazed.
-Big Mac has an excellent double upper-buck ;)
>“I apologize if I was offensive. I'm very playful by nature.
-Well, calling his patients ''psychopaths'' surely must not be very lucrative... or helping ?
YAY! Nova 25 is back! Good to see ya!
VastaKustutaO.K. well Part 6 is pending.
I asked Sethisto about the star rating, it seems that several folks have rated the story low, so it's stuck at 4.8. Unless those people decide to change their vote it will NEVER be a 6-star. I figure because of all the O.C.s or as that one guy said 'It's too Mary-Sue ish' whatever the hell that means. Who the hell is Mary Sue?
Anyway, enjoy chapter 6 when it comes up.
Mary sue is a derogitive term for characters that aren't well written. Its something along te lines of acting unbelievable, having other characters shift their viewpoints because the character is opposed to it and the like.. Masculine is Gary Stu. Example, "Marey Sue pranced into the room, her beautiful glistening fur bouncing glisteningly. Spike saw her and instantly forgot about rarity because Marey's Beauty eclipsed it because she as beautiful. she was also better than twilight at magic and was more fashionable than rarity. she was an alicorn and could fly and was better than rainbow dash at flying too. but she was really humble and everyone all really liked her because she was prettu and awesome. and her entire body was rainbows and her eyes were rainbows." Or something like that.
VastaKustutaTL;DR: THis http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue
IMO, Valient isn't a Gary STu. he could be one if handled differently, but I think he's clear of the border by some margin. To all of you TL;DRers, please read it. My brain hurts because of the wracking i had to do to write something so sueish (not nearly ENOUGH though. I'm afraid if start writing, the sue will be with me)
. . . . . . so basically someone called my characters 'poorly written' when they said 'Mary Sue-ish'. . . . . . . . . . . well . . . crap, that's the best i can do.
VastaKustutaThey are wrong good sir, your characters are amazing! (Don't know how to link it, so I'm the anon before Nova came back)
VastaKustuta@Truthseeker
VastaKustuta>YAY! Nova 25 is back!
''I never left...'', I said, placing icy skeletal fingers over his shoulder, a scythe in the other hand, and slowly looking upon him.
-Not sure why, but I felt like I had to do it ;) ...spooky-funny thing, I suppose ;)
(...aaaaaand now people are gonna look at me even more strangely. Well, nothing new, I guess ?)
@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaPersonally I found the characters well develloped... not sure what their (people) problem is ?
(people pointing for ''mary sues'' ...really, it's like a trend to call any character a ''mary sue''.)
Also, a ''mary-sue'' is usually 'seen' as a character being ''too good to be true'' (too perfect or exempt of any flaws, bland)... but all the characters we have seen, so far, all have troubles and flaws (maybe some even too many)... That's why Lemon Wire is refreshing :).
Okay, so... The first story at the very least needs the Grimdark tag.
VastaKustutaUm... In the amount of time it took me to read the fifth section of the first story, google docs took it down.
VastaKustuta@Haybuck
VastaKustutaScratch that, sorry. My internet just hurped everywhere.
While I agree that Valiant has some 'Sue-ish' traits (that sadly makes him slightly less of a favorite in the story), I don't find myself disliking him, but rather appreciate some of the other characters more (I love when Mend has a breakdown, how Lemon Lime feels left out of society and how Midnight is practically locked up in the library all the time we see her), they are clearly not meant to be a 'Mary/Marty Stu' and I really like how you write of Big Macintosh, I find him to be extremely in character (what I've noticed at least) albeit a bit on the talkative side (which I suppose is necessary for proper plot advancement for him (and the others in extension.)
VastaKustutaYeah, it's me again.
I really liked the new chapter, thrilling, entrancing and just enjoyable to read.
One thing I just didn't like was that it felt too short. (Jk, actually it was just so exciting that when I completed it I felt like I just needed more.)
I really can't wait to read the next chapter, keep up the good work, i'd love to read more soon.
(And in case you're wondering, yes I do think Twilight is the best pony.)
Anyway, go on pleases the masses await for more.
Oh, and while I remember, I hope people are grown enough to not just down-rate because of OC-ponies.
@Bunny 34
VastaKustutaDamn, sorry about not (somehow) using a single "." in the first paragraph, not intentional, was just very exited.
I usually avoid fanfiction with OCs.
VastaKustutaNow i know not to.
Trials 6 :
VastaKustuta>I never hear from them again.” Lemon Lime said with a sigh, “They go on living their lives and forget all about me.
-A bit odd, I must say.
Considering the great number of ponies he must have helped, statistically, at least a few should have stayed in contact (or at least written) with the one that greatly helped them throught a difficult moment of their life.
It's often something that happens in these jobs, especially when it involves children. You know... the whole being grateful, and the emotional connection that is built during the therapies.
I never said all of the healed ponies, but 1-or-2 here and there, at the very least.
>Lemon Lime trailed off as Big Mac’s words struck home, “Lost his wings?”
-Honestly, I'm a bit surprised that he didn't see it before.
With his fast-processing brain thing and all, you know (say and see lots of stuff quickly) ?
... Just suddenly thought about something : You know that mare in that Bookstore, that Vaillant saw like twice since Part 1 ...Are we gonna hear about her soon ? I think she got forgotten/buried under the other new characters (Lime and the studious mare in the Library, Evening Star was it ?) ...
... Thinking a bit about the end of this Part. So far, in the list of 'active main characters' we have : Mend - Vaillant - Lime Wire - Evening Star, this makes for 4 of 6 needed Characters, if this goes the way I think it will.
But, this leaves 2 ''players''... one could be Big Mac (apparently getting directly involved in the event) and the last could be that Bookstore Mare ('Nomde Plume', was it ? She seemed eager to be involved with Vaillant... before the story apparently lost track of her ?) ...
Enjoyable chapter. Slight preachiness is still present, but is mostly ignorable. Mend's latest breakthrough came very quickly, but the lack of triteness was nice; a good scene, overall. Not sure if it was necessary to have Live Wire feeling unfulfilled and impotent with regards to his work, too, but that seems to be your running moral/theme so I can understand its inclusion; I expect you'll do more with it than just bluntly hammer in the story's philosophy in later chapters, anyway.
VastaKustuta@Nova25
VastaKustutaThough I personally didn't come out and cry "Mary Sue" (and in fact stated my dislike for how the term is often used to describe characters that are "overpowered" or some such nonsense), I would say that certain aspects of the (first) story do verge on Sue-ness. Let me explain:
Valiant is a tragic hero without a tragic flaw. He does have flaws, but the only one that might have been tragic (his extreme self-denial) never ends up ruining him; quite the opposite, really, for despite his brush with death, Valiant comes out of his coma as a hero. His self-effacement does not lead to a downfall; he does not learn the difference between generosity and pointless martyrdom. (Aaaaand that was a kind of pointless tangent, I'm starting to realize, because this is NOT a Greek tragedy and probably should not be analyzed as such... OH WELL)
Anyways, Valiant's flaws. They, for lack of a better phrase, "don't count" because they don't actually negatively affect how the other characters see him. I noted how he is over-willing to sacrifice himself previously, but that's the kind of flaw a Mary Sue character can have - "He/she is TOO GOOD for this world," the other characters say as they bask in Mary's radiance. (Mary then demurs, because he/she is just so humble like that)
Again, I don't think that Valiant is really a Mary Sue - he has many of the hallmarks (extreme talent, is beloved by everyone worth caring about, is always right [and when he's wrong, it's because he's too good], has the "correct" philosophy of the story, has done bad things in the story's background but now deserves forgiveness), but the author has, for the most part, "earned them" by making Valiant fun to read about.
Essentially, it's a good thing that Valiant's time in Ponyville is interesting, because his actual character is kind of one-note in the first story.
NOW, he is more interesting in the second one because he is acting as the support for Mend (who definitely has real, proper good flaws - I am hoping that the author won't blame them all on Mend's mental issues, because it's more interesting if the good Doc's character goes beyond his sickness), and because the reader is no longer being told that Valiant is supposed to be learning something when he kind of isn't. He also gets into normal interactions with other characters, and is less of a sadsack. In a previous comment, I did mention that his proclivity for self-destruction is still very much intact, and I'd still like to see that addressed, but for the most part I think that making him only one of several main characters has fixed most of my concerns.
If any of this didn't make sense, please call me out on it! I'll try to explain my thoughts better. Oh, and sorry for the textwall from hell. I seem to do that. A lot.
@Truthseeker Don't worry, guy! All characters are salvageable, and you've already gone a long way to doing just that with the current story. :) [I am the anon who did an overlong, convoluted explanation of why Valiant might seem Sue-ish in the first story]
VastaKustutaHonestly, I'm not sure how fantastic any advice I could give regarding making "good" characters is, since I generally end up making mine less likable without really thinking about it (this does not automatically make them good, but it does get rid of people crying "Mary Sue"). I guess figuring out their motivations, if they have any major ones beyond getting through the day, is a good start - you've got that down pat, I think. Oftentimes, the character's flaws can stem from that motivation, or are at least related to it. (Ex: If character has no motivation, that can be a flaw; if they pursue their goals too relentlessly, not making time for friendship *cough cough Twilight*, that can be a flaw; etc. etc. etc.) Again, I think you've got a pretty good handle on that bit. Lastly, it's usually a good plan to make sure that the flaw either negatively impacts the character, or that the character gains some success by overcoming their weakness in some fashion (or you could have them fail anyway, if you're writing some seriously nihilistic shit. =P Always fun!). See Twilight making friends, and then friendship being the key to defeating the Big Bad she had been going after all along (which was a bit trite and raised questions regarding how much Celestia knew about NMM and the Elements, I know, but the example stands). Basically, once you've got the characterization down, the key is to make them deeper than a concept; a character can't just be his or her flaw. Live Wire has been very well fleshed out, though, so I don't think you're having problems there, either.
Of course, that's just one basic, extremely flawed and oversimplified guideline for character-craftin'. You've no doubt already got your own methods, and you'll get better the more you work at 'em. (But experimenting is good, too!) Hope this helped at least a little bit!
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaI will try something... combining a bit of your persception(or what I interpreted it to be) of Vaillant with something I recently thought/considered...
The 'apparent' lack of notable flaws for the 'current' character of Vaillant ''might'' be due to what was realised in Ponyville.
By that I mean :
Vaillant essentially completed his ''quest'' in Ponyville, finally completing (coming to term with) the 'circle' of his emotions, flaws and life problems.
His life is basicly now ''patched''.
So, now, his role his mainly to help others at coming to term with their ''life-quest'', to help others at also ''patching'' the holes in their lifes.
So, we could say that Vaillant, in appearence, is now rather 'normal'... but we must not forget the 'character' and the holes that once lied beneath the smooth surface of his current situation.
His past is behind him, but it's still there.
... Mmh, I hope I was able to properly show the 'subtilities' I wanted to show ? ...
@Nova25
VastaKustutaUm, Nova25 what are you talking about?
"Bookstore Mare ('Nomde Plume', was it ? She seemed eager to be involved with Vaillant... before the story apparently lost track of her ?)"
I don't remember having anypony around by that name. but I liked your creepy sneaking up behind me thing ;) Creepy is the new cool.
Thanks to everyone for their comments. I appreciate them lots and lots.
Have had several e-mails asking me to do a Q & A session. I don't necessarily think it's necessary, but if my posters want to let me know on here.
@Truthseeker
VastaKustutaIt appears that I have confused this character from another story... huh... that's a first ?
Apparently my brain really wants this character to be in this story, for some reasons...
For the ''creepy'' part, well, it just seemed to 'click' well with the words ;)
-----
>Thanks to everyone for their comments. I appreciate them lots and lots.
-You're the second author I see so far, to say that.
You wouldn't believe how rare it is to find authors that don't *spit and hisss, like vampires under the Sun* when people 'comment' for real.
By ''real'' I mean : balance of 'like' and 'dislike' words (while still polite, of course) about the story... or at least, not just PURE 'Me like story'.
I mean... some authors (and also quite often their fans) can go damn-crazy, if you DARE not appreciate the ENTIRETY of their work. As if, for them, there only existed : 0% (Hate) or 100% (Love), with no gradation between them.
... let's just say that I had my fair-share of problems with fanatical-fanboys and girls, in the past (and again today) ...
-Don't pay too much attention to this part of the comment.-
@Bunny 34
VastaKustutaHow the hay did I write Evening Star as Midnight?
Nomde is from In Her Majesty's Royal Service if I remember correctly. Another quality story.
VastaKustutaHey, Truthseeker, did you get my email? I sent it ages ago but haven't heard anything back yet.
He said a wirty dord.
VastaKustuta@Bronode Um . . . don't know. I don't think so, but I've been busy arranging for my wedding on September 24th. Took 8 years, but more than worth it.
VastaKustutaPart 7 is in the queue. Sent it in last night.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaOverlong Analysis Anon here, again! (maybe I should just register a bleeding account with that as my name...)
When I was talking about Valiant having a lack of noteworthy flaws, I was referring to Valiant as portrayed in the completed story (when he's named "Vagabond", though I don't use that as his name 'cos I'd end up confusing myself). Essentially, the only flaw he has is an inability to forgive himself, an inability to recognize that he is a good person and deserving of kindness and a second chance. Now, this can indeed be a serious flaw, but the way it was portrayed in the story made it seem more of a quality: though his self-denial causes him great pain, it also enables him to save the lives of the Apple family at no permanent cost to himself. Essentially, his only flaw is also one of his greatest strengths: selflessness.
One might make the argument that his selfishness was his flaw, but during the actual content of the story (not the backstory, during which he accidentally kills his best friend) Valiant/Vagabond does not display this trait.
As for his character in the second story, well, I must admit that while I prefer it to the first (mostly because he gets the chance to do more than proselytize and hold back words/cries of pain) it does sometimes seem as though his character is, indeed, rather "normal" - which is to say, blanker than the CMC. However, there are those flashes of dangerously self-destructive behavior that crop up: when I said that I wanted the author to "address them", I did not mean "get rid of them". I want him to capitalize on them; make Valiant have a character beyond the redeemed soul who now no longer has any problems because his greatest mistake has been forgiven. Ditto with Mend - an interesting mental sickness is not quite the same thing as an interesting character (to be honest, though, I'm like 90% the author has got Mend's characterization done just fine - he's standoffish and impersonal even when he's not being crazy, and that's fantastic).
Hope this makes sense, I'm not even sure if we're disagreeing about anything at this point! =P
This story is nothing short from amazing... Truly compelling and shocking!!! WELL DONE!!!!! 10/10! :)
VastaKustutaWOW, Just WOW, this is the best fanfic I've ever read.Cant w8 for part 8 :)
VastaKustutaQuick and thus unfortunately blunt breakdown of stuff I'd said before (hit the back key for great justice, lost stuff):
VastaKustuta0. (AKA introductory stuff) This one's been one of my favorite chapters so far.
1. Good job with noting Valiant's self-destructive streak; don't let the matter rest there, since it seems to be an important part of his character, but don't let it overpower the story if it's not the main thing you want to write about.
2. Good job with Mend, as usual. He's great.
3. Exposition on the Elements of Peace/Harmony did not interest me much, but that is partly my fault for disliking that style of worldbuilding and partly the show's fault for having the Elements be a pretty damn thin premise to begin with. Still, I can only report what I feel, and I feel a little bored with these parts, and would skim them for the important bits if I didn't expect most (if not all) of the info dumped on me to be relevant.
4. Certain predictions I had made in my head regarding the nature and motives of the CMES unicorn are being borne out by this chapter.
5. Regarding the final scene (I was on this when I hit the back button): you picked a really hard reaction to pull off for Sea Blue - it's difficult to do that in cinema, and even harder in literature. Was it overwrought? Eh, a little. Considering the tone set by previous entries in the fiction, it was not out of place. But it lacked... the gut-punch effect, I suppose. A scene like that, in a perfect world, is physically painful to read. Achieving that is difficult, to say the least. Now, it was not an annoying scene, or an unintentionally funny one - it worked, don't get me wrong, and considering that you had Sea Blue go with the dramatic grief breakdown, that's an accomplishment to be proud of. But it didn't make me feel much (apart from anticipation for the next part).
Here are some possible reasons I can think of. Full disclosure: they may not be correct. At all.
-Tension. The CMES unicorn's plot is not very tense (and oh god that could be taken really badly out of context). So far, there hasn't been much of a reason to fear that all the characters won't do just fine in an eventual showdown with CMES-U. This isn't really a bad thing in and of itself, but when the reader expects things to turn out all right, scenes can lose power.
-Sea Blue is a fun character, but he is not one I particularly care about. He seems like a decent guy, and it's sad to hear about bad things happening to him, but I don't know him the way I do Mend, Valiant, Live Wire, and (to a lesser extent) Evening Star. Furthermore, his relationship with Patch is not yet very fleshed out.
-Atmosphere/detail. I almost hate to bring it up, since it's such a tertiary concern compared to getting good characters and plot and all that fantastic stuff, but... if you want to really draw the reader into a scene, physical and attention-grabbing detail can definitely help. Avoid cliches whenever possible, don't overdo it, and pray like a damned soul that it all works out - that's my method, anyways. What does it feel like when Sea Blue gets stabbed? Not just the pain, but the actual sensation of a magical-imbued horn piercing your chest and pouring out a paralyzing spell. Don't just tell me that he's expressing a pain only a parent can know - show me. What do his sobs sound like? Keep referring back to what Sea Blue is experiencing throughout the scene - use psychic distance to get up close and personal with his physical and emotional agony. Intersperse his words and actions with detail and thought. Use prose to convey his state of mind: perhaps try a few long, run-on sentences that devolve if he's trying to keep a lid on things (but failing), or short, clipped ones to convey utter, numbing shock. Find an effect you want to go for, and then go for it; try whatever you think sounds good, and get feedback.
@Overlong Analysis Anon
VastaKustuta:o
:|
:]
:)
:}
OH, YEAH! Another critic! YES! HAHAHA, improvement, here I come!
O.K. read . . . read . . . read . . . read . . . read . . . hmm
Point notes:
0. Well thank you.
1. It's not actually 'important' so to say, but after someone has been dealing with issues like that for a long time, they have no idea at all that they become self-destructive and self-devaluing .
3. Yeah, *sigh* it's not so easy to write out information that is supposed to come from a book and still make it interesting.
4. Being 'borne out'? I'm not sure what that even means.
5. I picked that particular reaction specifically for its difficulty and the intensity of which a reader can be brought to an emotional edge. It seems like I need some work. I will happily get right on this.
5. a. Tension: tough one. She is supposed to be mentally unstable while not actually being 'evil', like a 'dangerous crazy person' not a psychotic one.
5. b. Yeah, I do need to flesh him out a bit more.
5. c. Atmosphere/detail: That is a really good point. the weather and surroundings play an important part in any scene. If the reader can't actively 'see' a scene in their head, they will have trouble identifying with a character.
Thank you all for the comments. I will check back in an hour or so. I have editing to do.
I just wanted to point out that long speeches can have paragraphs too. And I'd say especially when someone's quoting from a book. I'm reading through Part 7 now, and got to page 3 and went "arrgh wall-of-text" *twitch*
VastaKustutaHeh, otherwise, I've liked the story a lot so far.
LULZ why is the element of kindness Jesus Christ
VastaKustutainb4 livewire is either patience or kindness
VastaKustuta@Gypsy
VastaKustutaThere is no "kindness"
Also guessing time?
The bearer of the Element of Forgiveness can heal grievous injuries to themselves or others
either in battle or in the aftermath.
The bearer of the Element of Discernment can gauge the actions and intentions of any being
within the range of their perceptive senses providing knowledge of wounds or enemy actions.
The bearer of the Element of Patience can calculate perfect timing for any actions weather in
battle or in negotiating peace.
The bearer of the Element of Acceptance brings peace to troubled bodies and minds and calm
emotions and feelings; easing pain and soothing fear.
The bearer of the Element of Hope can inspire others to act as they should even in the face of
overwhelming odds or the most taxing and difficult tasks.
The bearer of the Element of Perseverance is able to continue acting after logic would dictate
the bearer would normally falter or fail.
@Bunny 34
VastaKustutaAs in Element of Peace, element of kindness.
Fluttershy is the element of kindness. As in Element of Harmony, element of kindness.
lul i got two mixed my baaaaaad :3
VastaKustutaending was nervousing beyond
@Gypsy
VastaKustutaIt's cool, just thought I would notify.
Have to agree with you on that one.
I'm hungry for more of it.
MOAAAR!
VastaKustuta