Author: Jay Bear
Description: During a midnight flying session, Rainbow Dash thinks about her friends and practices a new stunt. When things go wrong, she looks to the bravest pony she knows for hope.There is Always a Way
Additional Tags: Aerobatics, friendship, frustration
18 comments:
CURSE YOU GOOGLE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCS
ReplyDeleteWhy is this labeled sad? I could see the potential to be sad, but the story ended quite lovely and sweet.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this story very much. I found myself smiling at some parts and I was hooked onto the story the whole time. Quite frankly, I liked just how you described Pinkie and how her pranks actually (spoiler) saved Rainbow's life.
It was quite an interesting turn. Very well done story. I loved it.
Longest 60 second free fall ever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, not *quite* sad. Sad would have been pinkie not being there with the balloon.
Great story though.
~Scratch
Good story, but there were two components about it that bothered me.
ReplyDelete*SPOILERS BELOW KTHXBAI*
The first was the sheer number of thoughts Rainbow Dash was able to move through during her fall. I know there were a lot of things you wanted to mention her thinking about, but...even with her controlling techniques, she was still falling fairly fast. Considering her speed, the state of her wings, and the general state of panic she was moving into, I found it slightly unbelievable that she could think so coherent the entire time.
The second issue had to do with her reaction after landing safely. To me, it seemed like she'd almost forgotten what had just happened. I mean, if I had resigned myself to death only to find myself inexplicably alive seconds later, my first thoughts would go something along the lines of "holyshitholyshitholyshitI'malivewhyamIaliveIalmostdiedjustnowFUUUUUUCK". Granted, Rainbow Dash is 20% cooler than all of us, but the story felt incomplete without her at least acknowledging what had almost happened in some way.
The story is stellar otherwise, especially due to the intricate and much-appreciated details about Dash's flight techniques and the palpable emotional appeal of the first half, but the flaws in the second half make this only good enough for a 4-star rating from me. It seems like it'd be fixable, though, with a bit of time dedicated to a rewrite.
Great job. I liked it I thaught. /spoiler spoiler/ but no good ending.
ReplyDelete@Aquaman52
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, you can think a lot faster than you can talk.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteTrue. But in written prose, for all intents and purposes the thoughts occur as fast as I can read them. And if a scene that requires a fast and choppy pace to be effective (such as one where the main character is in the process of falling to her death) is bogged down with a great deal of thoughts and, by association, information for the reader, it tends to break the flow and make it feel like the scene is dragging on forever.
Great story. The details of Dash's flight maneuvers and flight characteristics really made this story for me- does the author have an aviation background? The three C's remind me of the "Aviate, Navigate, Communicate" mantra that is drilled into every student pilot, as well as the [spoiler] emergency landing procedures, which are pretty much like that too
ReplyDeleteI swear I commented. Oh well. Spoilers etc
ReplyDeleteI liked the story; it was short, quaint, emotional, descriptive, but I have the exact same issues as Aqua. I don't think it's realistic of RD's character on BOTH counts: Once she realizes there is no safe way to land, I think she would panic more and barely think about where to land. Going through every friend also was incredibly unrealistic, as going through so many reasons and situations for every pony would surely take a LONG time, especially after going through the whole CCC thing. I suppose we can argue that the high-stress situation sped up her processes and made time seem to slow down (which is VERY possible actually), and this accounted for thinking. Regardless, it felt slow and didn't match the fact that she was supposed to die in sixty seconds.
And after she lands, she's just kind of like "okay I'll silently appreciate pinkie pie now." You just totally forgot to describe anything in RD's mind after spending the ENTIRE STORY INSIDE OF IT AND INSIDE OF IT ALONE. I know there's dialog but when that was the point of the story, and then suddenly I'm met by a happy PP (who did make me laugh btw) and RD not freaking out and being sort of silently happy and crying awkwardly, I'm not getting enough character thoughts.
Oh well. It was good for what it was, and the ridiculous level of detail was fun to read.
Isn't it obvious? Rainbow dash can think in bullet time when stressed. After all, you would have to be able to to safely fly at the speed of sound right?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThat's magic; turning 90 degrees instantly when going at the speed of sound would literally rip her body to pieces. Obviously, that isn't a realistic counterpoint!!1!
This was a good one! Really in character.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, all, and I'm glad it was a fun (and apparently not sad) read! I am going to have to give this one another rewrite, if just for practice, so I'll work on story pacing during her fall and her reaction to the Pinkie ex Machina. :)
ReplyDelete@ Gravekeeper: no real aviation experience, but at one point I considered learning to fly, and did a bit of studying to see what was involved. The CCC thing is actually adapted from CPR training where you've got ABCs for Airways, Breathing, and Circulation, but I figured there might be something similar for pilots during emergencies. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised I didn't mess up the flight details too badly!
@ 9Nine9: actually, I was nervous about staying in her head exactly because we had spent the whole rest of the story there - now that there was another character for her to interact with, there wasn't even the excuse of "how else is she going to convey her thoughts?" There may be room for some more inner monologue, though, just to explain exactly what she's going through after landing. I'll have to play with that during the rewrite.
Also, big thanks to Prof. Pinkie Pie, who edited and proof read for me! His post is still up on PonyChan for any other fanfic authors who are interested in getting another pair of eyes for their story: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/7383.html
In character? I wouldn't say so. But first things first. I like the idea behind the story and its execution - loved details about her practice routine, loved how she hide from everypony for she was afraid of them seeing her failing. That was good. Also, I agree that She probably wouldn't panic in this situation - being in air is her element after all, and I belive through all fly schools and camps "Safety instructions" became second nature to her.\
ReplyDeleteWhat irked me to no end, that RD is portrayed here as a, pardon my language, Bitch. Maybe I read it wrong, but when she make a little check-up on her "friends", I felt that she really don't like them at all; Fluttershy is useless, Twilight is a bothersom egghead, Rarity is dandy frilly foal and Pinkie is plain horrible. It seems your RD didn't have a problem with AJ only... Nice Friend, she is.
So, I like the writing style, I don't like the story ;)
What's this? Subtlety? I don't think you understand how this shipping thing is supposed to work!
ReplyDeleteCool story.
@Aquaman52 In all fairness, though, think on it this way. Firstly, she's a trained flyer. She's been trained to fly and keep control of everything, taught not to panic. It's the same way with military pilots, if something goes wrong, they don't immediately wet themselves. That much training, all those years, begins to automatically take over. In addition, Dash doesn't seem to be one to lose her head. Secondly, after she lands, she's probably in shock. She was absolutely 100% convinced she was dead there for a minute. That sort of thing tends to mess a person up a tad, y'know? She's just fine now, and it's probably going to take a few days, but then it's gonna hit her like a ton of bricks.
ReplyDeleteJust came back to this story I had skipped a long time ago after reading your new story, Trixie's bargain. I loved this one even more than the new one! You really do spin some great tales. I can't wait to see you show up on EqD again!
ReplyDelete@Macon
ReplyDeleteThank you, glad you enjoyed this one too! I'm working on another one now, but given my current track record, it'll be a while before it shows up on EqD. :)