Author: ZKPony
Description: Twilight Sparkle is getting older, has taken a new apprentice, and is living a quiet life. This story is about the yourng unicorn Thunder Reign, and his bond to his teacher.Teacher and Student
Additional Tags: Coming-of-age, loving, mother, time lapse
25 comments:
[spoiler] test spoiler ]/spoiler] test spoiler
ReplyDeleteVery well-written. Sad, too. Twilight seemed slightly out-of-character in a weird way, though. Good job :3
ReplyDelete[spoiler] test spoiler [/spoiler] test spoiler
ReplyDelete@TDTwix
ReplyDeleteHow? or where?
SPOILERS, BE WARNED.
ReplyDeleteWell, what was bugging me slightly, judging from the letters I am not sure if Thunder ever gets to see his Twilight again after he leaves. And how long is it since she passed away? Did he get to go to her funeral, or what?
I want to love this story soooo much... and in a way I do. I just wish the pacing were a bit clearer, a bit slower. It just feels like everything runs into itself. 4 stars, but a beautiful read....
ReplyDelete@Baree
ReplyDeleteSPOILERS! SPOILER!
No, he never does see Twilight again, too busy an inventor. Didn't go to her funeral, either. I didn't plan on writing one. He just comes back and realizes that he missed out on what he wanted most.
I'm not done it yet, but I'm already a tad confused. In the second paragraph, it describes Thunder as "the young earth stallion." Then it goes on to call him a unicorn.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I KNOW he's a unicorn because he can use magic, but... it's a huge error to say he's an earth pony so early in the story.
Probably one of the best stories I've read on here. Something sweet and purely emotional, would not feel out of place in a more "mature"(not THAT kind of mature) version of the show. Beautiful
ReplyDeleteMustn't cry...:C
ReplyDeleteVery heart-felt short story. I loved it.
@ZKPony
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have a lot of trouble buying that. *Shrugs* So many reasons why he should know his mother is about to pass away, and there is no reason whatsoever in my opinion why he should not be told she passed away in time for him to attend the funeral.
In addition to my earlier comment about the 'earth pony/unicorn' thing, there's another mistake I've noticed: [spoilers?]
ReplyDelete“Thunder… Are these…?” “My parents, yes.” It says that, and then a few SENTENCES later, there's this: "Who were those ponies in that photograph?” I mean, honestly.
The story itself was 'decent', but the myriad of glaringly obvious continuity errors and mistakes kept me from enjoying it. Wasn't too fond of the Mary Sue OC pony, either. But, I've learned to accept that sort of thing.
Spoilers ahead
ReplyDeleteQuite an excellent story you've written here. Not bad for 2 hours of work. The ending really made my heart ache. This is some seriosuly quality stuff. I love it.
But it kindda bothers me how Twilight would just write a letter then never send it. After all, unless she passed mid-writing. It would have made a lot more sense if she sent it to him instead of just disappearing, waiting for Thunder to find it. Ya know what I mean?
But other then that. I just want to say again that this was a great story. I'm certainly bookmarking this one. Thank you for the great read.
Oh yeah, you're right. must have been a left over sentence from when I was gonna mke this a ship. ok, will fix picture part. thanks!
ReplyDeleteWhy am I tearing up? Confound these ponies they cause me to feel. Beautiful tell made me cry! I haven't cried in 16 years!
ReplyDeleteA wonderful read!
ReplyDeleteNinja-edit harder, damnit!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, it was a very sweet fic. I would've preferred the letters to be a little more descriptive. I figured if Thunder was sending letters to update on his life to someone he views as his mother, he'd gush on and on about stuff. It'd also flesh his character out a little more.
Anyways, it was short and nice, but with a lot of room for improvement.
Needs some polish, but all in all...
ReplyDeleteB'AAAAWWWW!!!
Its beautiful and the emotion comes across well, but it needs some work. The continuity errors need to be ironed out and the "too busy inventing to notice" thing doesn't come across in the text at all. This has a lot of potential and I hope you continue developing it. I'd love to read it again in the future to see how it has fleshed out.
ReplyDeleteAs already stated, a bit of a rough gem, but a gem indeed. If taken as a single quick one-shot kind of story, it works wonderfully with it's ability to cause a deep emotion in the reader in such a short amount of time. I'm a bit of a sucker for Twilight so it was that much more saddening even when I could see it coming early on.
ReplyDeleteIt need some work, but I still call it touching. 4 stars.
ReplyDelete@ZKPony
ReplyDeleteI will disregard whatever he just said... And choose the more realistic happy path that SHOULD come out of this.
Still... the story in itself was good. Especially liked the mention of Dinky being married with the character; it was a nice addition.
I agree that this needs some work. Aside from previously mentioned issues, I couldn't really get behind Thunder Reign. Even though you can construe his name as a Pony pun (reigns...get it?) and the kind of names Ponies have in the show and it's associated fandom, his name just sorta stuck out as a little too...epic sounding. Like the sort of character with a name like that should have been in the same tier as Nightmare Moon. If he was good with electricity, something like "Sparky" would have worked better.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, sometimes the dialogue felt a little too...formal. It felt a little stiff, like it wasn't how people would speak casually. In the end, I couldn't really make myself believe T.R. was a real character, he felt more like a plot device.
Why would you do this to me...
ReplyDeleteNot bad, but not as good as I was hoping.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of Twilight taking on an apprentice is an interesting one and provides a lot of room for exploration. Unfortunately, this story missed out on most of the potential exploration, especially with regards to the early stages.
Despite the missed potential, I think this is still worth a solid three stars.