Author: Baldwin
Description: The Grand Galloping Gala was nothing like what the six friends had imagined. Especially for Rarity and her so called "prince charming." Driven by her mad pursuit for the perfect lover, Rarity decides to make one.Prince Charming (New Link)
Additional Tags: Desperate, butcher, insanity, creation, mental erosion.
[Grimdark][Shipping] Story 2!
Description: When everyone's favorite pink party pony is murdered because of the kindness of her heart, will she be able to rest in peace? Her killer is locked up in the loony bin and Pinkie Pie is hungry for revenge. She's coming back for one last party.Google Documents
Mirrors (New!)
Deviant Art
Mirrors (New!)
Additional Tags: revenge, punishment, haunting, vengeance, return, Mane six, Spike, Soarin,FizzyPop (Pinkie Pie blind bag recolor)
71 comments:
I can take non-canon characters dying. I don't handle it well when it's official characters that bite the bullet D:
ReplyDeleteNopony ever listens to pinkie...
ReplyDeleteFrankenpony. Quite a nice read.
ReplyDeleteSad Frankenpony story is sad.
ReplyDeleteThe original Frankenstein story had more of its emotional pull centered around the monster, particularly dealing with moral concerns much bigger than "lolimacorpse i be dead". I understand where this story was going but it just doesn't have much purchase with me because it's missing so much of that rich internal conflict between the monster and its creator.
ReplyDeleteI would more readily liken this to the film "May", but even that wasn't just a simple slasher flick.
That was creepy. Well done.
ReplyDeletegeez, I think we got sharp competition for Cupcakes now x_x Poor Rarity. And poor Pinkie. I didn't like that no one believed Pinkie about Rarity, considering how they've been willing to listen to her if she'd said her pinkie senses were going nuts.
ReplyDeleteI love the take on Mary Shelly's Frankenstien, now I have to make up a 'Crypt Keeper'esque character for this type of story.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI was reading the thread the author originally posted it in, and I got the feeling that he didn't want to make a big long story, which I think sticking closer to the original story of Frankenstein would have required.
I quite enjoyed it. Heck, I was the one that suggested the idea, and the author followed through with it very nicely. Definitely better than anything I could've written.
Thanks... but no thanks.
ReplyDeleteI think there was a lot of potential here that wasn't utilized. I got lots of Frankenstein vibes early on in the story, but as it went on it became more like the monster itself was the means of making Rarity do terrible things rather than the intended end result. And while it sounds like that was the intended point, it still kind of rubs me the wrong way.
ReplyDeleteI liked the use of Twilight as a Hitchcock-style Mr. Exposition in the epilogue, but I don't think it was given as much emotional weight as it should have been. Twilight was almost acting as if she was an unrelated 3rd Party commenting on the situation rather than the close friend that she was.
Still, overall I would say that it was worth the read.
I thought she went crazy a little too easily.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise it was a decent read.
I actually enjoyed it. Weird, since I normally hate downer endings.
ReplyDeletePinkie is gone...
ReplyDelete"But if I can't have a friend, I'll make one!"
A spiritual successor to Cupcakes, perhaps. Fairly well-written, definitely more disturbing than the aforementioned short story, and overall, surprisingly good - though I can't say I'm a fan of gore stories.
ReplyDeleteRarity's voice is the only one I can usually hear saying the lines mentally when I read grimdark, so that was already 5-star material. Thing is, Pinkie was written as true to the show as possible, so I heard her as well. That killing was brutal.
ReplyDeleteProps for the "Prince Charming" song as well.
Thanks all for reading! When i submitted this, I didn't even think that it would even be compared to Cupcakes.
ReplyDelete@Shadow Phoenix
Glad to hear the characters matched up for you!
@Terrible Fanart Brony
I'm blushing, really...
@TenchiFreak5
Eh. Can't impress them all. But I thought a rampaging zombie was a bit cliche.
@Anonymous
The Truth! He gave me the wonderful yet grim idea of a mad Rarity. Partial credit also goes this way.
@KS
Competition with Cupcakes? I hope so..
I thought the song was one of the best parts ^^
ReplyDeleteOh the tragedy.~
ReplyDeleteStill, this was a pretty good read.
So sad....
ReplyDeleteHeh heh, I hope more people enjoy this~!
ReplyDeleteUm... Wtf?
ReplyDeleteLink dead; story violates Google's TOS.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteLink is fixed. Sorry about that, apparently, there was some "suspicious activity" going on and i had to verify my account. Let the reading commence!
Actually, scratch that... There's still some issue. I'll fix it.
ReplyDeletethere we go.
ReplyDeleteGlad I could help. The link seems to be working fine.
ReplyDeleteCould have used a little more dwelling into the psyche, especially at the moment Rarity snaps, her newfound motivation for creating a lover, her sudden and drastic change to a mad scientist-type, her grappling with guilt over killing a guard and the monster's sudden awareness of what he was and why he wished to die.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this was quite enjoyable.
I just Shat brix
ReplyDeleteif this is scary...
I DONT WANT TO READ CUPCAKES ANYMORE 0_O
Better than Cupcakes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Rarity is BEST PONY :3
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAw shucks, I'm blushing...
@Anonymous
Oooh, did I give you a good scare? Also, you haven't read Cupcakes yet? It's a doosey!
Grimdark & Sad done right. -applaudes-
ReplyDeletePoor Rarity, and poor Pinkie! A part of me wonders "How could a pony as lovely as Rarity have to go without a guy?", but then I remember what I've read about very lovely women IRL who are often left fearing that no one likes them for THEM, just for their looks... and Rarity's worries here become more real.
ReplyDeleteBut even with that, I'm going with a personal interpretation that Rarity had a nightmare after watching that "Cupcakes" movie and eating cold lobster before bed. Not because I hate the story, but I just like Rarity and Pinkie too much.
~Ardashir
*reads story 2*
ReplyDelete. . . . wat.
I think I'm a little scared now . . . >.>
Yikes at Rarity, but I can't help but feel that a Pinkie Ghost would just throw the murderer a huge party to fix their attitude...
ReplyDeletethis did not make me afraid or scared...make me so FUCKING ANGRY!!!
ReplyDeleteIs stories like this that made me think it would be better that death is really final, with no afterlife whatsovere, just blankness, no consciouness, no anger , nothing.
I honestly don't know why I read this. I'm kind of regretting it now. Not because the story is bad, believe me I had to look behind me every now and then. It's just that it's 5AM where i live and now I'm pretty paranoid to go to my bathroom lol.
ReplyDeleteRarity should get a job in the Knackers.
ReplyDeleteWoah. Woooahhh. WOOOOAAAH WOAH WOAH.
ReplyDeletePretty fucking wierd!!!!! But good too.
I can't open the first story, the link goes to the register page of deviantart.
ReplyDeleteThe second story is good, but it needs a [sad] tag, too, manly tears were shed.
Hah!
ReplyDeleteI loved it.
In theory, Chapter 2 should have been better. 90% of it was considerably stronger and better written than Chapter 1. There was a far deeper emotional stake involved for all of the characters of this story, and it generally worked really well. I got crazy, Se7en style vibes from it. Spike's behavior kind of weirded me out the whole time, but he was a child so I can still understand why he was feeling that way. But the last 10% or so (basically, everything after Spike was aged up) just kind of fell apart.
ReplyDeleteRarity snapping out of her psychosis? Okay, fine. I've seen similar things happen in other stories.
Rarity being let out of the asylum? Er, no, that doesn't really make any sense considering she murdered two ponies and crafted a Frankenstein out of various corpses (including one of the ponies she murdered); but I'll let it slide.
Rarity being let out of prison and absolved of her crimes? Absolutely not.
Rarity attempting to reopen Carousel Boutique? Ridiculous.
Celestia bringing Pinkie Pie back to life to ask her questions about the afterlife (and implying that she had tries the same thing with other ponies)? What the fuck!?
New-Pinkie Pie moving back to Ponyville and immediately attempting to make friends with the remaining members of the Mane Six? No. Just no.
The events of the last few pages was basically an increasingly hard-to-believe order of events, and my suspension of disbelief was shattered the second it was made known that Rarity basically got away with her crimes because she felt really bad about them.
Nice read, the second part was well written and I loved Celestia's deal with Pink....Fizzy Pop at the end. Will we see Necrollestia in another sequel?
ReplyDelete@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteever heard of innocent by reason of insanity?
@AppleDoom
ReplyDeleteYes. And anyone who think that applies in this case doesn't know what the term actually means.
After what happened in the first chapter, they would never have let Rarity out of the nuthouse, because she would never have been found legally sane.
I didn't like the second part very much.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I guess for the sake of the plot I could buy that Pinkie might come back as a vengeful ghost. Not my favourite sort of haunting, but eh, whatever. What I don't like at alls is that she could be convinced to stop, or that she would have any sense of self.
But okay, whatever, that wasn't so so bad. But now we got all her friends forgiving her (and even thinking they deserved it!), Rarity being allowed free from her crimes, and Pinkie coming back and immediately trying to make friends with the ponies she caused so much harm to. This makes the choice for ghost!Pinkie to have a sense of self all the worse, because now she's totally responsible for her actions. She has no excuse for what she did.
And Apple Bloom? Apple Bloom had nothing to do with anything, why was she made to suffer? I would totally buy it if ghost!Pinkie worked differently, but again, there's a problem with this sort of haunting when you got the ghost maintain a sense of self.
Nope nope nope.
The one thing I don't understand at all is, Fluttershy was in a *hospital*, coated with blood, and they didn't even bother to clean her?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWho're ya gonna call, Twilight?
ReplyDelete*Sorry, had a Derpy moment by pressing the Post button by mistake*
ReplyDeleteI'm with TenchiFreak5 and AFistfulofApples on this one, the sequel doesn’t match up to the original. What makes the first story such a great read is that it does well using Rarity's character flaws as the driver for a grimdark story. It explores how her perfectionism and craving for fairy-tale love at her worse could cause such anguish and suffering not just for herself, but for everypony else, living OR dead.
As the villain of the first story, Rarity remains wonderfully written in character. The story avoids the usual "sudden psychotic break" found in most insanity tales, and instead treats the reader to Rarity's warped ambition as it slowly descends her into a macabre state of mind. Her planning, attention to detail, and drive for quality are conveyed in a way that lets the reader feel close to her, even as she uses her positive traits for such horrifying ends. This is all topped off with the haunting song she sings that explains her twisted motivations, a song so eerily catching it stays with you even after you’ve put the story down. Without a doubt, the author makes the most of what makes Rarity Rarity and proves that only she could give a story like this justice.
Another good thing about the first story is that for being grimdark, it's less about horror and gore than it is about making the reader share the suspense and anxiety the characters feel, which it accomplishes nicely. The ghastliness comes less from who Rarity kills so much as the lengths she’s willing to go to get reach perfection and the emotional trauma she has when she can’t be satisfied. In fact, that’s what makes the killings and Rarity’s experiment so creepy: rather than being evilly or psychotically passionate, she reacts icily cold toward her victims, who are also nicely portrayed. The climatic confrontation between Rarity and her “prince charming” is a nice twist, and the ending provides a conclusion that fits so morbidly right. As the first reviewer said, “it’s a beautiful tragedy.”
This sequel, though, doesn’t reflect the spirit of the original, and it’s not any better for it. The primary setback is that it sacrifices the sense of tragic suspense that made the original unique for the shock value of how badly Pinkamina can torture ponies, something we’ve already seen in numerous “Pinkamina psycho” stories. The narration jumps around a lot to make sure the mane cast are all covered at the expense of giving the reader good character depth, and while I’m not a fan of shipping, the shipping here was so out of nowhere that it feels like it was forced into the story just to say it has shipping in it. Finally, as TenchiFreak5 and AFistfulofApples said, the ending doesn’t feel believable or in character considering the things that Rarity and Pinkamina have put the others through.
All in all, I think the first story is a great work, one of the best I’ve read regarding Rarity. But this sequel suffers the main problem that most sequels have: focusing so much on action and shock value that it forgets what made the original good in the first place.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with all of those points, especially Rarity getting away with her crimes. I'd have much preferred if she and Spike eloped and made a new life for themselves in the Everfree forest or outside of Equestria, far from laws of pony society.
I also hate how despite still being slightly covered in their entrails by the end of the story, Fluttershy barely even bats an eye about ALL OF HER ANIMAL FRIENDS BEING KILLED after Pinkie attacks. Even after her FlutteRage outburst she should be the most psychological broken character next to Rarity.
Otherwise it was a fun read, just needs a more believable ending.
Honestly, the author tried too hard with the "pinkie returns" story.
ReplyDeletePinkie, despite stories like "Cupcakes", doesn't have a single malicious bone in her whole body, and thinking of her going all Joker on her friends... particularly the ones she deeply cared for, like Dash... is NOT appropriate. But I can accept it.
But APPLE BLOOM? And ANGEL? The one in the story isn't so much Pinkie Pie as much as she's the result of a drunken night of sex between Freddy Krueger and Jigsaw.
Besides, Pinkie overpowering Twilight is kind of like a kid using a spitball to destroy a tank... Undead Pinkie or not, Twi has shown many times enough power to level Ponyville. Get her to snap, remove her limiter... and Pinkie is gonna spend the rest of her existence in a ceramic pot.
Guess I'm in the minority here, but I really liked the second part, despite all its flaws.
ReplyDeleteThe inner conflict ghost!Pinkie faced could have had a bit more fleshing out, but that's more or less personal taste. It would have been nice to see the monster with a bit more depth (prior to the final scene) than a slasher-esque killing machine.
The Fluttershy/Twilight shipping kind of came out of nowhere. I'm not saying it was unwelcome - though I'm no shipper - but maybe a bit of foreshadowing of something between them would have been nice.
The biggest plot hole would be why Rarity allowed to stay out of the mental asylum. Was she found sane? Wouldn't that mean she'd have to stand trial? Did Celestia give her a pardon? However, even if we ignore that, why does she move back to her old botique in a town that obviously hates her? Wouldn't her business be a failure?
On a more minor note, why was Fluttershy covered in blood up until the final encounter in the forest? I'm sure you could have added a throwaway line in there about being unapproachable by the staff at the hospital, or something.
Again, I'm going against the grain here, I really liked the epilogue (maybe because I'm a sucker for happy endings to grimdark stories). It's a bit out there if you just go by the plain text,
I liked the necromancing Celestia bit, the idea of a deity researching the nature of the afterlife is kinda funny, not really that absurd, just amusing. There's a story in there somewhere.
The reborn Pinkie brings up a dangling plot thread though, afterall, she IS going back to the friends she scarred for life! Exploring that kind of inner conflict would have broke the flow of the story, but no doubt, there's story in that somewhere.
To sum it all up, it's a decent fic that needs editing, and perhaps an extra chapter or two
First story was magnificent but the second was just another "nurrrr pinky pie iz insane".
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeletePinkie may not have a malicious bone anywhere in her body(remember her idea of paying back Gilda was to throw her a party)the horror and shock of being killed by someone she considered her best friend surely would of caused something deep inside to snap.
That said, the Pinkamina as a deranged killer has been way overdone.Worse still characters who had absolutely nothing to do with original series of events are dragged into her psycho spree of vengeance, I could understand Angel given Fluttershy's attachment to him(and the other animals she cares for)but APPLEBLOOM?!
The shipping I didn't really mind but some foreshadowing of it before might of helped.And lastly Rarity basically getting off scott free for her actions is just wrong and a huge freaking plot hole.Yes she lost her horn and her reputation and business are for all intents and purposes destroyed, but why wasn't she forced to go back to the mental asylum.And why would she chose to continue staying in Ponyville where most of the residents now treat her as an outcast.
Lastly, after all that transpired.Celestia bring Pinkie back just to ask her about the afterlife, then remaking her into a whole new pony that immediately declares to the very ponies she scared for life "We're gonna be the best of friends!" just solar nukes whatever suspension of disbelief that remained after reading the above take place.Wasn't one of ghost/zombie Pinkie's reason's for going after her friends was that she wanted to rest in peace.Why take that from her just to give her another chance at life...
This makes Cupcakes seem like a bedtime story.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet I love it.
Aw cut him some slack guys. I think this kind of story isn't supposed to be that deeply analyzed.
ReplyDeleteI really dont know what to say about that second part. It was really good until spike grew up. After that it just fell apart like a house of cards.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second point. Thankfully I'm one of those people who can be completely ignorant of plot-holes and 'out there' moments, which made part 2 a joy to read, however, Fluttershy staying covered in blood for almost the entire second half of the new chapter was kinda odd, as well as rarity being just let out of the asylum.
ReplyDeleteIgnoring stuff like that however, I enjoyed the second part very much.
Pinkie Pie haunting is just scary.
ReplyDeletelol "Dark and stormy night"
ReplyDeleteFour Stars? More like four horsemeat Cupcakes.
ReplyDeleteI've read too many Grimdarks that give me this vibe. Like the reason for the story is to make the Ponies do horrible things to each other and watch the horror. "Saw IV with Ponies" splatterporn. First Rarity murders ponies (including Pinkie) to build her Flesh Golem Prince Charming, then Pinkie returns as a sadistic Revenant to get revenge -- not just on her killer Rarity, but on the other four too. And goes about it as sadistically as "Cupcakes".
Remember "Radio Ga Ga"? Is THIS what the watching stars want to see happen? What would happen if the mane six broke the fourth wall and paid a visit on the fanfic author? "Why did you do this to us? What made you think this was clever or funny? Just What Is Your Problem?"
This sort of Grimdark negates the very reason MLP:FIM has taken off with all ages. Like Star Trek after the Cuban Missile Crisis and Star Wars at the peak of Post-Vietnam Angst, these Ponies gallop in to give Hope in a time of Grinning Nihilism (leaping into Hell with an Ironic Quip) and Hopeless Pessimism.
This an amazing story. Truly phenomenal, it's not very common we get stories this dark.
ReplyDeleteIt probably says something unpleasant about me that, now that I finally got around to reading these stories, I absolutely loved them. Creepy and probably the most deserving of the Grimdark tags I have ever read (Cupcakes was chump change gore. This was real grim stuff). It's not without its issues (which have, quite frankly, been discussed at far more than adequate length by other posters both here and on DA), but it was nevertheless enjoyable if you're a sick, twisted, evil little soul like myself.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who felt none of the Ponies deserved any form of punishment, save Rarity?
ReplyDeleteI mean, Pinkie Pie really just ran up to them and was all "Rarity's been acting weird. I know she killed the guard and stole all the body parts". Of course, them being Rarity's friends would like some evidenced for these claims if they wish to act on them. Pinkie Pie provided none, and the other ponies just felt it was impossible to be true.
When Pinkie Pie died, the story went into detail on how each pony was absolutely devasted, each one sobbing, Rainbow even taking up alcohol. They felt absolutely miserable and depressed about not believing her. That should be torture enough for them. Also, the story is a little much when Applebloom and innocent animals are brought into the picture.
The story disturbs me only for the completely unjust punishment. They didn't deserve any of that.
First part of story = 9/10
Second part of story = 1/10
From reading the description, I can't help but picture Rarity performing the act depicted in the music video for "Tourniquet" by "Marilyn Manson"
ReplyDeleteI'm among those who are very polarised by the two stories. The first one was great. Five-star material. The second one was basically "Cupcakes: Extended Edition", and in comparison with the first one, a massive disappointment. Two stars for the second story, salvaged only by the writing quality.
ReplyDeleteThese two stories should really be on separate pages, and are such different styles that I can't buy them as being related.
The first story was fantastic, and reminded me of "A Little Piece of Heaven" by A7X.
ReplyDeleteThe second story sounded more like a snuff film that had an NLP version of an M. Night Shamilyan movie
You guys are dicks. The second story was fine. Plot holes? Unnecessary roughness? Sure! But to be a mule's anus and give it a 1/10 rating? I hope Pinkemina chisels the word "LOSER" on to your forehead. Cut this dude some slack.
ReplyDeleteOverall: 8/10. Nice work.
BTW, Pinkie is batshit crazy, and we all know it. If she wanted something, she was going to forcefully take it, one way or another. I'm done ranting.
Good GOD is it dark, but I guess points for actually doing something more creative. Actually, while I may not LIKE the subject matter per se, it really does the whole "horror" angle very well. It gets very psychological at times and that's the kind of horror I can appreciate.
ReplyDeleteActually, the second one isn't as good. At all. I almost want to say that the author missed the point or something but while the first one was very psychological, the second was just Zombie Pinkie coming back and horrendously torturing all of her friends. It didn't really do anything intelligent or look into Pinkie's psyche as she slowly delved into madness it was just "Pinkie's an evil zombie now! Watch her mutilate her friends!" It was like the author thought the gore was what made the first one good. It wasn't. The psychology and character was what made the first one good.
Then again... maybe I'm too quick. I started feeling queasy around the part with Twilight's eye so I just stopped. But honestly I stand by my statement. There was nothing psychological beforehand and if it came later, well... it took too long. The first story found a steady, constant balance between psychological horror, and gore and the second one threw off that balance.
OK Prince Charming was a pretty cool story i have to admit they way Rarity lost it was believable, and she made her on stallion to.
ReplyDeleteBut Mirrors... OK it was cool that pinkie pie came back for revenge and she takes out on her friends that didn't believe her when she told them what she though and die for it. If i had die know i was right after telling my friends that i was right i would be piss as hell, so yea i would get revenge.
But after that it went off, she got revenge on her friends but then that bit with Apple Bloom and Fluttershy's animals? The punishment should fit the crime you can say and i say she should have just kill Rarity for it and live the rest, but then you make Spike like loving idiot "forget about Pinkie Pie" crap when he went to see her... Rarity killed Pinkie and he saying that, if pinkie's partners were there they would beat the crap out of Spike.
Then there is the paring of Fluttershy and Twilight which to me was way to out of place. Twilight new Fluttershy the least of all her friend.... then Spikes gets being and fire balls pinkie for Rarity, so pretty much there Spike would kill for Rarity who kill 2 ponies.
Like Celestia deal with pinkie tho. But i fine Rarity should be DEAD. The end.