Art By: Azure Glow
Author: Sithicus
Description: Lily Blossom's sister becomes the catalyst for the Element of Harmony Wielders to learn about a new culture and also mysterious aspects of Twilight Sparkle's past.Ponyville Immigrants: A Lilyblossom Tale (7 Parts) (New!)
Additional Tags: Angsty Toy-Based Character Centric
12 kommentaari:
5 Stars here.
VastaKustutaI have no bias for OC Ponies, so I could enjoy solid writing, nice story, good characterization of actual show characters and quite well laid problems of immigration and integrity smuggled in this text.
So Yes, I enjoyed it greatly.
Applaud.
The story is pretty good so far, but there's something bugging me. The characters don't seem to speak right. Applejack and Rarity are throwing out all of their verbal tics as usual, but characters like Scootaloo and Spike are using pretty big words that I don't think they'd bother with. I don't know, maybe it's just me.
VastaKustuta@fireant
VastaKustutaSithicus the author here:
Thank you for this comment, fireant, technically I suppose the personalities can be likened to OCs, but since the non-show toy characters are official Hasbro ponies with a little blurb on the packaging that gives a brief bit of insight into their characters... Well aside from my expanding on that like any child would while playing with ponies... if that makes sense. These are all, mostly, official characters.
Not that I'm a child, ah, but that never stopped anypony from collecting a fine toyline and watchin' this here cartoon full of cute adorable little ponies, before.
Warning: Spoilers ahead. This comment also deals with mature subject matter.
VastaKustutaSo I have a question -- has anything aside from the first chapter or two had a first or second reading? Because the first two chapters, although a bit odd, had me, despite reservations about the expanding scope.
However, the third chapter, particularly the exposition at the end, broke my suspension of disbelief. For most of the problem, I think you should have stayed with the immigrant sister's story.
You're biting off more than you can chew when you're expanding on the stories of some of the mane six. I would cut all of that out and focus on Bubbly and her sisters. For the last, it's a matter of show, not tell; particularly if you're playing around with the fourth wall.
The fourth chapter is worse, particularly the way it handles the argument, and the topic of the argument, between Twilight and Rainbow Flash.
Finally -- Rainbow Flash would make sense if they are biologically related. And if they are, because of an indiscretion on the part of Rainbow Dash's father around the time he sired Dash, I'd like to point out that being called _Rainbow_ Flash might be a bit of a giveaway. Just sayin'.
I'm stopping at the end of Chapter 4 (so maybe Dash's father was indiscrete and I'll never know*). The writing has to be better for me to slog so much through a complicated story like this. Especially since MLPFiM Date Raping** Pony is not something I'm particularly interested in reading about, even if the colt isn't successful. Same reason I refuse to watch cop or Law&Order type shows (with the exception of the original CSI).
*Can't believe Google Chrome doesn't have the word 'indiscrete' in it's dictionary, and trying to tell me it's really spelled 'indiscreet'. Damn you Americanization of the English language! Damn you!
**Might as well add another side note: date rape is often a very complex matter. Worse, it's probably the first messy, complex human matter that people of both genders have to deal with on their own (part of why it never fully graduated to rape is because it is a messy human affair, and rarely black and white). As such, for an author to write about it effectively is correspondingly difficult, unless he/she doesn't care about alienating a good portion of the audience. And like with any other subject: if the author hasn't graduated to writing about it, it can and will ruin an otherwise good story.
@ Anonymous:
VastaKustutaAuthor Sithicus Here.
I can appreciate your thoughts on the story, but I don't see the problems you're going on about honestly. This is the way the story came out, it's the way my muse wanted to write it, and I really can't see anything wrong with it.
The flow of the story doesn't seem to suffer from what I've been doing, if anything it's been a bit skewed and I can admit that, but I can't very well force the thing to behave or just stick with Bubbly and her sisters.
That isn't how I write my stories, I let them do the driving, in a sense they have done some strange things, but few have complained about their structure. Least of all me.
I don't see how my re-reading of the chapters a hundred times over can have me altering the story so drastically as to omit everything I wanted to be there.
Also, in the history of ponies it isn't as though there haven't been two or more with similar names, Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Flash can easily share the first name Rainbow without being biologically related. Just as humans do.
@ Anonymous:
VastaKustutaAuthor Sithicus here again, I have recently gone back through those two chapters you mentioned and I still have a hard time finding anything wrong with the way they are written.
It would appear you have some issues with my writing style as in your comment you said the story has to be written a lot better before you'll slog through certain things. Perhaps you'd care to enlighten me as to where I am failing as an author as I have been working for close to two decades now and have tried many times to improve my grasp of certain key rules involving writing. Grammar. And the like.
Constructive Criticism is far more useful than simple statements as to why you don't like the story.
However I suppose if you aren't checking back to see my reactions to your comments I guess asking some Anonymous Blogposter for clarification isn't very useful. Ah well, not everypony is going to like my story, I just feel it would help me more as a writer to know the reasons behind why, rather than simply being told that it is too complex and I should just stick to working on one plot point at a time. To which I have to reply, that isn't very exciting or makeing for very decent stories. At least in my view. I tend to have a complex mind, so the more plotpoints in a story the more taken in I am, and from my perspective as the writer all I see are three main plot points at the moment.
1) Lily Blossom and her sisters are immigrants with problems blending in.
2) Rainbow Dash has family issues.
3) Twilibht Sparkle has issues with bullies and the like due to a traumatic event in her past.
Nowhere near as complex as some of the other stories I've written and interconnected.
not nearly as sad as I hoped it to be
VastaKustutaSpike agreeing with Rarity on that one matter in chp.7 had me on the floor.
VastaKustutaGood job, though the Dr. Hooves and Pinkie stuff would propably work better as a seperate side-story(I did like how you addressed his costantly in flux appearence).
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThe original poster to whom you've been responding here. Had work, so couldn't very well sit here and check back.
As I said before, I haven't read passed chapter 4. I also wish you to know it was never my intent to criticize you without purpose or specificity.
My main criticism, and I hope I can make it specific enough, is that you've got too many threads going at once, with too many character perspective changes.
Whereas you see three main plot points, I see two barely connect story plots, and a third unconnected plot, that could all fall under one story arc but seem strange to see mixed together into one story.
1) Lily Blossom and her sisters: this should be one story, either from the perspective of the outsider or the insider. A hybrid perspective is fine, but tricky.
2) Rainbow Dash's family drama takes away from the first story. Perhaps you felt you didn't have enough story in the first part? Anyway, it makes things unnecessarily complicated.
3) Twilight Sparkle's issues with bullies deserves it's own short story. While you've connected it to plot #1, the question arises: is it the subplot to #1 or is #1 the subplot to #3?
4) Pinkie Pie (you never mentioned this, but in this case it seems to be something you're developing). It's a subplot that seems to be off on it's own someplace. Fun with Pinkie Pie it may be, but any subplot to do with her that isn't fairly subtle tends to detract.
So which story is it?
Examples included below...
…continued from previous comment
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
Here's some examples.
Plot is #3:
Twilight Sparkle witnesses Spike calling Bubbly 'Derpy' and tries to make amends. She goes to great lengths trying to befriend Bubbly and her sisters, while Lilly Blossom acts as antagonist. You may or may not throw RD in as a secondary antagonist. In the meantime her history with bullying is slowly revealed -- where Twilight makes a final appeal to reason (or emotion) to Lilly about how everyone has their own troubled history. Pinkie Pie throws in sage advice while talking about cupcakes or something, and at the end throws a party, like as if she was expecting things to work out this way.
This would be closest, I believe, to what you started writing in the first 2 chapters.
Plot is #2:
Rainbow Dash receives an odd letter from her father, which she promptly ignores. She goes out to find Twilight wanting to know about the Derpy thing and the explanation is slowly, over time, given out. Twilight is furious with RD about it and wants RD to apologize. While RD is sulking, her step-sister arrives (BTW, an old story rule: never have two characters with the same first name if you can help it). Comedy and drama ensues as Rainbow Dash tries to deal with everything -- and ends up hiding out on a mountain top. Fueng Pinkie shows up and dispenses completely random advice that somehow makes sense and puts everything in perspective. Rainbow Dash comes down and works things out. Pinkie Pie throws a party. RD reluctantly thanks Pinkie about the advice, but Pinkie retorts, "What do you mean Dashie? I've been at Sugarcube Corner all day!" Days faints at the idea that there might be two Pinkie Pies running around.
Plot #1:
We see into the life of Lilly Blossom and her sisters. We first meet Lilly and get to know something about her life in Ponyville. Get to know how she idolizes Bubbly. Then we find out about the insult Spike handed out. Lilly starts taking lessons in Common Equestrian, her motivation being to stand up for her sister. Months pass. We finally reach the payout when Lilly stands up for her sister after Bubbly's insulted again in a very public manner, and in an impassioned speech before most of Ponyville (perhaps during the local summer sun celebration -- Celestia not necessarily attending) she calls out their behaviour, convincing them to accept Bubbly for who she is. Pinkie Pie says, "Finally!" and pulls out a "Welcome to Ponyville Blossom Sisters! This time for really reals!" without ever an explanation of why she had the banner or where she kept it on her person.
Plot #4:
Pinkie Pie goes on an adventure through space and time, peeking in on everyone, always with a party at exactly the right time. Hilarity ensues as everyone else keeps on wondering how she does it and Twilight learns the mind-bending fact that Pinkie never, ever, lies.
And that's it. I hope some of this was of use to you. As for me, I'm not coming back to this thread; mine own work awaits.
…continued from Anonymous
VastaKustuta(apologies if this becomes a double-post -- blogger seems to have eaten the original continued post)
@Anonymous
For an example. Plot is #3:
Twilight Sparkle witnesses Spike calling Bubbly 'Derpy' and tries to make amends. She goes to great lengths trying to befriend Bubbly and her sisters, while Lilly Blossom acts as antagonist. You may or may not throw RD in as a secondary antagonist. In the meantime her history with bullying is slowly revealed -- where Twilight makes a final appeal to reason (or emotion) to Lilly about how everyone has their own troubled history. Pinkie Pie throws in sage advice while talking about cupcakes or something, and at the end throws a party, like as if she was expecting things to work out this way.
This would be closest, I believe, to what you started writing in the first 2 chapters.
Another example. Plot is #2:
Rainbow Dash receives an odd letter from her father, which she promptly ignores. She goes out to find Twilight wanting to know about the Derpy thing and the explanation is slowly, over time, given out. Twilight is furious with RD about it and wants RD to apologize. While RD is sulking, her step-sister arrives (BTW, an old story rule: never have two characters with the same first name if you can help it). Comedy and drama ensues as Rainbow Dash tries to deal with everything -- and ends up hiding out on a mountain top. Fueng Pinkie shows up and dispenses completely random advice that somehow makes sense and puts everything in perspective. Rainbow Dash comes down and works things out. Pinkie Pie throws a party. RD reluctantly thanks Pinkie about the advice, but Pinkie retorts, "What do you mean Dashie? I've been at Sugarcube Corner all day!" Days faints at the idea that there might be two Pinkie Pies running around.
Final example. Plot #1:
We see into the life of Lilly Blossom and her sisters. We first meet Lilly and get to know something about her life in Ponyville. Get to know how she idolizes Bubbly. Then we find out about the insult Spike handed out. Lilly starts taking lessons in Common Equestrian, her motivation being to stand up for her sister. Months pass. We finally reach the payout when Lilly stands up for her sister after Bubbly's insulted again in a very public manner, and in an impassioned speech before most of Ponyville (perhaps during the local summer sun celebration -- Celestia not necessarily attending) she calls out their behaviour, convincing them to accept Bubbly for who she is. Pinkie Pie says, "Finally!" and pulls out a "Welcome to Ponyville Blossom Sisters! This time for really reals!" without ever an explanation of why she had the banner or where she kept it on her person.
Final final example: Plot #4:
Pinkie Pie goes on an adventure through space and time, peeking in on everyone, always with a party at exactly the right time. Hilarity ensues as everyone else keeps on wondering how she does it and Twilight learns the mind-bending fact that Pinkie never, ever, lies.
And that's it. I hope some of this was of use to you. As for me, I'm not coming back to this thread; mine own work awaits.
I like your take on Derpy and the spin you've put on the recolor ponies. I have to tip my hat to you making Ditzy Doo not only a seperate character but also Ponyville's equivalent to Ryoma from Ranma 1/2.
VastaKustuta