• Story: Mysterious Invitation

    by
    [Normal] Canterlot time!


    Author: Blinky
    Description: The mane cast spends a day in Canterlot due to an unexpected letter.
    Mysterious Invitation

    Additional Tags: Everypony, Canterlot, Vacation, Trip, Friendship
    Thursday, May 19, 2011 op
    Labels: , , , , ,
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    17 comments:

    1. AnonymousMay 19, 2011 at 2:20 PM

      why must there be such a low limit to the number of people/ponies who can access googledocs?

      confound these docs, they drive me to refresh!

      ReplyDelete
    2. RobinMay 19, 2011 at 2:21 PM

      The author falls into the same trap I do - adding too many details that don't actually move the story forward any. It's good that they're thinking about all the little things, but the story could really benefit from a good pruning. We don't need to know that the coffee-unicorn was brown, or a stallion, unless that actually meant something to the characters. ("Oh my, look at that handsome stud! I wonder if he'd be interested in a visit to that little park you mentioned. . .?" "RARITY!" "Oh do calm down dear, it was just a joke.")

      Also, the tenses change quite a lot throughout the story. I'd suggest replacing almost every 'is' with 'was' :)

      Other than that, the writer seems to have good technical skills - spelling and grammer is good, it was sooo nice not to be jerked out of the story by horrible and obvious errors <3

      ReplyDelete
    3. NikitaMay 19, 2011 at 2:30 PM

      >"We don't need to know that the coffee-unicorn was brown"

      I do :<

      ReplyDelete
    4. BareeMay 19, 2011 at 2:31 PM

      Heh. I am not sure if I should applaud you or curse you for the ending.

      ReplyDelete
    5. AnonymousMay 19, 2011 at 2:49 PM

      Story was cute, but Robin's right. Too much no-progressing detail (I happen to do the exact opposite XD).

      But the ending redeemed everything.

      ReplyDelete
    6. AnonymousMay 19, 2011 at 3:05 PM

      Honestly, this story needs to be edited. There are a couple of legit errors (the constant use of leaded being particularly egregious for both misspelling and repetition), but my complaints are about the style - it's simplistic, klunky, and repetitive.

      Robin's right about the tenses and the unnecessary detail, too. It's a cute concept, but the execution needs to be cleaned up for it to truly deserve a spot on this site.

      ReplyDelete
    7. wyatt1048May 19, 2011 at 3:11 PM

      @Anonymous

      If you change the 'edit' in the address to 'preview', you can get in when the viewer number is maxed out. Handy for the newest fics!

      ReplyDelete
    8. MinalkraMay 19, 2011 at 3:34 PM

      Everything except the most atrocious stuff deserves at least a mention, in my opinion. This does need work, though. A bit 'too much detail' yes. Word meaning as well, twice now I've seen leaded. That means to be coated in lead, the metal. You mean 'led.' It kinda reads like a travelogue, great attention to the city but sometimes that detracts. The characterization was good though, I kinda think the author really had the ponies down pretty pat. Prune some of that description and some of the redundancy and you're on your way. Also, emphasize with bold or italics, not multiple quotation marks please.

      Sorry if this seems harsh, I don't mean it to be. At least I didn't close it halfway through like SOME of the fiction here.

      ReplyDelete
    9. AnonymousMay 19, 2011 at 3:48 PM

      I half expected Yellowstar to show up somewhere.

      ReplyDelete
    10. TirothMay 19, 2011 at 4:17 PM

      To anyone who gets the "too many people viewing" problem - go to the address bar and replace edit with preview. No chat on the side, but you'll be able to read it.

      ReplyDelete
    11. AnonymousMay 19, 2011 at 5:56 PM

      Equestria daily! XD

      ReplyDelete
    12. AnonymousMay 19, 2011 at 6:01 PM

      I love the breaking the fourth wall and singing winter wrap up in the cafe good job!

      ReplyDelete
    13. Shadow PhoenixMay 19, 2011 at 6:16 PM

      Racist animals explains the Gala garden.

      ReplyDelete
    14. SomeGuyMay 19, 2011 at 6:35 PM

      I for one liked your story. I enjoyed reading all the detail you put into describing Canterlot, I could vividly picture it. Some of my favorite stories put emphases on world building. The characterizations and interactions between the main cast were spot on. Sure nothing grandiose happend, but then again nothing grandiose needed to happen. Not every Fic needs to be a some epic tale of fighting some evil force. Sometimes the greatest adventures can be found right outside your own front door, taking in the simple pleasures of life and spending time with your friends. And isn't that what FiM is trying to teach us?

      ReplyDelete
    15. EspyLacopaMay 19, 2011 at 8:29 PM

      You know, you could bypass the entire issue of the author would submit a published story instead of the editting or previewing link.

      ReplyDelete
    16. DooDawDayMay 20, 2011 at 1:25 AM

      Equestria Daily should definitely be mentioned in season two
      just something simple, you know rarity glances at the newspaper for whatever reason and the headline says Equestria Daily then episode continues. just a nod.
      would be pretty dope.

      ReplyDelete
    17. BlinkyMay 20, 2011 at 5:56 AM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete

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