[Crossover][Grimdark][Sci-Fi] In the grimdark future of pony, there is only war but also sometimes hugs.
Author: SIROFLOT
Description: 30,000 Years in the future, Celestia rules the Empire of Equestria, a huge galactic empire of ponies. This is the time of the Great Crusade, Celestia's vision to conquer the entire galaxy. However, other dark forces wish to change the way of life in Equestria forever...The Luna Heresy: Prologue
The Luna Heresy: Chapter 1
The Luna Heresy: Chapter 2 (New!)
Additional Tags: Warhammer 40k, Sci-Fi, Luna, Betrayal, Grimdark
42 comments:
As someone whose never really known anything about Warhammer 40k (other than it being the source of the term GrimDark), I'll say that this is an interesting foundation for a story.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple repeated grammatical problems here and there, but nothing major. Interested in seeing where it is going.
"There is only one war but also sometimes hugs"
ReplyDeletelol
Good golly Holly, seems like everypony and their Sister-Sergent is pumping out Warhammer/MLP stories before us ( http://forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=187997 ), even though our fic was sent in a month ago . . . Ah well! There's a good reason for that, as I well know, and competition can only be good. So I'll give this story a try, looks interesting from what little I've read so far.
ReplyDeleteanother 40K crossover already? strange...and also...Luna Heresy?? i am not gonna reading this....
ReplyDelete>:(
@Anonymous *read
ReplyDeleteThis. This is awesome. It's awesome, it's awesome, it's awesome, it's awesome, it's awesome, and it's really well written. Put some heavy ceremonial-sounding music on in the background and it makes it 20% cooler.
ReplyDeleteHahahah! I can feel the suspense building, waiting for the heresy!
ReplyDeleteHmmm. If ponies are the empire... does that make humanity Tau? Low Melee capability, highly advanced weapons technology, small but highly expansive realm...
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI heard two differing opinions of humanity: we're orkz with our brutality or we're eldar (both regular flavor and dark style) and the ponies never know if we'll enslave whatever's left after the warp horrors get through with them or try to destroy the warp horrors that are trying to eat them, ignoring their cries.
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYES! This is going to be so awesome!
ReplyDeleteWhat is Alfilius's brother's name? Also, is Applejack going to be a Heretic? Or are the heretic legions gonna be switched around?
ReplyDelete@AnonymousHumans as Eldar... that might actually work! Better than Orks certainly; Their main characteristic is their toughness. Not to mention the whole sporing thing...
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteNot to mention that there are plenty of us that could play the role of the Dark Eldar. Maybe this could even be set after the fall of the Imperium. The Eldar are all dead, the Humans have taken the place of the Eldar, and the Ponies took the place of the humans.
WH40k nit pick.
ReplyDeleteBut the World Eaters weren't named that way before the Heresy.
They were the War Hounds.
*Looks up Space Marine Legions*
ReplyDeleteOkay, I was expecting Luna and Trixie; but Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Applejack too!?
On second thought Pinkamina isn't that surprising.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWow, didn't catch that about the World Eaters. I might change it, might not. Depends if I can or can't think of anything witty to change it to.
And overall this is how I see it:
-Buffalo are Eldar(Indian feel kinda matches Eldar)
-Parasprites are the Nids
-Humans are Tau (I liked that idea and I'm sticking to it)
-I can't decide on the griffons, squats anypony? (This is the heresy after all, they were still around back then)
-Dogs (Diamond dogs) are the Orks (How did no one think of that?)
I'm submitting chapter 2 soon, hope you guys like it too!
Cheers
Humans could be Necron like race or the old ones(forgot their lore name!) Of course eldar works very well too, at least a little less elfy eldar.
ReplyDeleteIgnore the above post of mine, I've changed my mind.
ReplyDelete@SIROFLOT
ReplyDeletethere was a situation in El'Jonson's section where he mentions killing all beasts so man might live or somesuch. maybe killing all beasts so pony can live? ponies? ponykind?
and humans as tau is HERESY! uhm, if you don't mind that is.
@Minalkra
ReplyDeleteShoot, I didn't catch that, also notice I've changed my mind on the xeno issue...quite frankly it's hard to decide on who's what with out making somepony angry. I might end up making that image series posted a while back my "canon"
Grammatical errors aside, definitely an interesting read.
ReplyDeleteAlso, spell out see ya instead of cya.
Nice fanfiction. Most of the pony fit so well... though Braeber as the primarch of the Iron Pony. The Iron Man primarch was a technological genius. He sounds more like a battle happy warrior now.I eagerly wait for the rest of you story.
ReplyDelete@catherine-puce
ReplyDeleteBrayber (or is it Braeber? I really have no idea) I put since I couldn't think of anypony else that could possibly fit, especially with Big Mac being the Imperial Fists and all. As for Ferrus, he still is the Techno-genius. I just used that fact that he gave weapons and such to many of the other primarchs as a kind of character attribute, making him like a generous caring brother, you'll see more of that later on.
Writing chapter 3 right now, should be done sometime soon. The good parts that at chapter 4.
I really appreciate the input everypony, it's definitely making me a better writer (Well a better pony fanfiction writer :P).
Last thing: I didn't have my editor go over that latest chapter like I had him do the prologue and chapter 1, which, while they still had mistakes, were vastly superior grammar and writing wise(IMO). So mistakes are bound to be commonplace, as time goes on they will be edited out so just bear with me. Chapter 3 should turn out a bit better.
Cheers
@SIROFLOT
ReplyDeleteI really really want to like your story but there is one thing that keeps irking me to no end. You got practically all of the main characters, along with some side ones, just perfect for their respective chapters. Except for Twilight.
She should not be Ultramarine, Thousand Sons fits her far, far, far better. She is the element of magic for cryin out loud she would not just abandon it because she could not use it for awhile. In fact it should have pushed her more to get her magic back.
Applejack would be far better suited for Ultramarines. Still not sure why Trixie is even there to begin with. This little flummox keeps bothering me more because you got the others so very very right. While I can kinda understand why you did it. It will never stop annoying me.
+++++1ST PART++++++
ReplyDeleteWe are the Emperor's Pride. Hear us ROAR!!!!
-Insane Rant-
Thrones BLOOD!!!! Derpy is going to be the down fall of The Imperium of MA... I am....Hor...A'm Ponies(Let's go with that) since I'm sure she's taking in the role of "EREBUS" who held the prestigious position of First Chaplain of the Word Bearers Legion. FRAKKER his also masterminded the Isstvan III betrayal, for the part of ever mindful of the need to eliminate those loyalist elements of the Traitor Legions before the war on Terra could begin. Garviel Loken suspected Erebus as a traitor and conspirator, which only led the corrupt Chaplain to add him to the list of doomed Astartes brethren who were to be caught in the virus bomb assault on the planet.
GAKKER'SS!!! If than she's also going to be the one whose going to corrupt Fulgrim or rather Rarity in this case cause from the Warhammer Historically the Chaplain was the one who sabotaged the peaceful negotiations with the Interex precipitating the war, by stealing an archaic Anathame sword from their closely guarded Hall of Weapons along even pouring honey into Horus'/ Luna ears, directing him further from the Great Crusade and pursuing his own ascension. By showing the Warmaster the powers of the Warp, and urging him to make pacts with the gods of Chaos, he eventually set Horus on the path to heresy against the Emperor.
EMPEROR!!!!! FRAKK U Derpy Hooves "Foul WARP SPAWN you shall not lay low the Servants of the Emperor! The power of the Emperor compels thee and the radiant light of faith abjures THEE! Cast thyself before the Emperor's mercy that he might absolve you of your sins, even as he drains you of your very SOUL!" and may the MUFFIN GOD Smith thee from the Heavens ABOVE, too vanquish the Betrayer of the Blasphemous GODS!!!!
By the Bloody EYE!!! If you will not repent and be absolve of such FOUL HERESY then by His Holy Name I'll GAKING shove a Baneblade SIZE MUFFIN down your THROAT.
+++To be Continued +++++
++++2ND Continuation ++++
ReplyDelete-Review-
The entire chapter's along with the Prologue really shows the Audience quiet a bit of intrigue and curiosity as to what would happen now since the dynamics of this Tales working has change dramatically of how things will progress throughout the Horus Heresy or rather the Luna Heresy in this that is a most read on my part if ever to satisfy of things to come.
I'm certainly surprise you made all those additional characters to fill the entire part of the other Primarch's that I'm most surprise you did accomplish such Fit cause its not often possible to do so along with naming them that you did pretty well in my opinion for the part it really pulls the appeal of the My Little Pony FIM cartoon to the Grim-Darkness that is Warhammer 40K which mesh well enough.
Due I'm having seconds thoughts of your choice for Twilight Sparkles for the part of Roboute Guilliman of the noble Ultramarines in part she's so into Magic or rather Sorcery in Warhammish Terms cause of how she tries to perfect here skills along with gaining more knowledge on the field, which is akin to the characteristics of Magnus the RED of the Thousand Sons even due its role is taken by Trixie that I'm certainly can't complain in ways its already decided.
As for Fluttershy I'm really going to have to say she should have Rainbow Dashes role for the Blood Angles or Rainbow Angel such that in the show of Season 1 Finale has shown a part of the Nature Pony similarly have a side that almost like the Curse of that Legion known as "Black Rage" and the "Red Thirst" that still afflicted them even to they day. The Rainbow Pegasus Pony could had the Role of Corax of the Raven Guards cause there form of combat does involve hit and run tactics also they make extensive use of Assault Squads and well in other words they make use of Speed along with hitting the enemy in one single massive blow to win, due Stealth would be an issue for Dash but hey she could adapt to it or not depending on her.
-Critique-
Well got to say the overall Fic or rather crossover definitely earns more to be desired since there quiet a lot of errors from a grammatical stand point, due nevertheless not so much a hindrance than the reader from understanding the bigger picture from the Tale that surely time and Patience can Iron out such Mistakes.
-P.S-
Maybe you could also post this over at FanFiction.Net cause the 1st ever MLP Fic entitled " Warhammer 40,000: Battle Sisters of Equestria" which was posted there definitely needs quiet a bit of work or rather a Construction overhaul of how simply it was even a crime against human literature if ever I've read one.
+++++++
"As our bodies are armoured with Adamantium, our souls are protected with our Loyalty. As our bolters are charged with death for the Emperor's enemies, our thoughts are charged with wisdom. As our ranks advance, so does our devotion, for are we not Space Marines? Are we not the chosen of the Emperor, his loyal servants unto DEATH?"
+++ Chaplain Fergas Nils - An address to the defenders of Portrein +++
To those who dislike Twilight as Roboute Guilliman I will present my case for why I chose her.
ReplyDeleteFor starters, I wanted SOME of the mane cast to survive the heresy, Fluttershy as the only one would be rather annoying, since I would need to write the prologue through the voice of Fluttershy Which, after writing Chapter 2, I can say isn't easy. Secondly, Twilight in the show represents a type of moral compass for the other ponies, at least most of the time. She is smart and hardworking, two traits that fit Guilliman's persona before he met the Emperor. As for the magic issue. It troubles me as often as it troubles you guys, believe me. Keep in mind that they are no longer the same ponies they once were. A lot can change in 30 millenia. In Twillight's case, if you didn't notice, she was separated from the warp, keeping her powers nullified, essentially neutering the one thing she had. So from there she decided to work hard and essentially become an earth pony. Lastly, Trixie is a great fit for the Thousand Sons, I mean she is GREAT and ALL POWERFUL. And I'm sure quite a few people would rather have her be the heretic than Twilight. Believe me when I say that Twilight not using magic was kinda painful to do, but I liked the idea of Trixie going to renew herself and then turning into a bookworm, and I'm sticking with it.
As for grammar issues, I'm sorry. I'm no Engrish major.
@SIROFLOT
ReplyDeleteThat's why I said I kinda understand why you did it. Still I am glad you are having the same issues with putting Twilight in the Ultramarine's as we are. If nothing else, I would love to see Twilight bust out some of her magic once more to take on Trixie. Then again this is your story, and I look forward to seeing how it all plays out.
I think Twilight's obsession with organization makes her fairly good as the author of the Codex Astartes. Also making the two most physical ponies as a couple of the more bloodthirsty primarchs makes sense (bonus for Sanguinus/Dash's wings). The dragon of course has to lead the Salamanders. It takes a bit of stretching to see Pinkie Pie as a religious fanatic, but not so much for Rarity the Slaaneshi hedonist. And the Great and Powerful Trixie as Ahriman is just perfect.
ReplyDeleteBut Fluttershy as Leman Russ? Seriously?
@ZarPaulus
ReplyDeleteFluttershy is good with animals, so is Canis Wolfborn. That's the connection I made. Frankly I'm surprised that some people think it's strange, but I can see where they're coming from.
The only thing I can say is who else would be Fluttershy?
@ZarPaulus
ReplyDeleteTrixie is not Ahriman. The primarch for the Thousand Sons is Magnus. Ahriman is the one to turn them to dust
Sold.
ReplyDeleteNot too familiar with the mythos, but I like the idea. When I feel more comfortable commenting I'll give a review.
@"Anonymous"
ReplyDeleteSorry, got those two confused.
Okay, having read up on the mythos, I must say, the casting choices are absolutely spot on. I can see why some people might have their misgivings, but the personalities fit to a "t". And the puns are well thought out as well.
ReplyDeleteI especially like Rainbow Dash as Sanguinis. Courage and undying loyalty are both of their hats so to speak. Twilight as Roboute is similarly spot on: the stalwart organizer. Pinkie Pie of the Party Bearers is absolutely creepy, and Rarity is cast spot on. Even Fluttershy as Leman Russ seems to fit in its own way.
Anyway, on to the critique: a bit more detail in each chapter might be nice, espescially for scene setting. Don't just tell us the objects in the scene, describe how they look and feel. The unenviable job you have for this crossover is blending the light-hearted technicolor feel of MLP with the gun-metal gray grimdark of 40K. I think you can find a way. A visual motif might be nice, with the bright colors of the early chapters giving way to the darker, rust and metal of later chapters, when shit inevitably hits the fan.
To the author, SIRLOFT,
ReplyDeletePlease include somepony as Ollanius Pius!
I know its a little early hes not cannon anymore but hes so awesome, it would be a shame for him to not be there
You can read about him here:
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Ollanius_Pius
Need more of this! MORE!
ReplyDeleteFLUTTERSHY IS SPACE WOLVES OMGWTF AWESOMENESS ENSUES
ReplyDeleteElements of Unharmony?
ReplyDeleteHow about Elements of Discord?
Oh, this one is going to be /good/.
ReplyDelete~Ardashir
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteNot quite sure I understand whats the problem with Luna Heresy? In warahmmer 40k lore 25+ years in the making. The Legion that betrayed the Emperor under Horus, along with the other traitor Legions, was called "The Luna Wolves". It makes perfect sense. :P
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSince the post is quite old I'd like to inquire if there's any continuation of the story?
ReplyDeleteThe story is quite nice. The first thing that catches the eye is the way of ponification, the choice of words which is splendid. The choice of characters is disputable though. I know, SIROFLOT, that you've already explained the point of Twilight Sparkle as Roboute Guilliman of the Ultramarines and I agree with you but given the latest event of Twilight's ascension I think that the role of Malcador the Sigillite would suit her much better (the most powerful human-psyker in the galaxy second only to the Emperor himself, the right hand of the Emperor, very smart, organized and stuff). The choice of Applejack as Angron of the World Eaters and Big Mac as Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists is highly disputable. It seems to me that swapping them would be much better from the colouring standpoint. It's also valid from the personality standpoint, as Big Mac seems to be a time bomb, storing everything inside and when the pressure builds up to the point of no return, unleashing it in a berserk fury of love (lol) with both friend and foe caught up in it. But then again, it's hard to imagine Applejack mounting an impenetrable defensive position or Big Mac charging the enemy in the name of the Blood God (or Apple God, I have no idea how you're going to name Khorne). Trixie as Magnus the Red of the Thousand Sons is legit since Twilight is the Primarch of the XIII. The best character choice is of course Fluttershy as Leman Russ and Rainbow Dash as Sanguinius. I lmaoed at Fluttershy and when I showed it to my warhammer40k friends, they facepalm combo was epic, as was the 15-minute cheer that followed.
The setting is also magnificent, though there are some things to discuss again. As you surely know, the problem with creating a Warhammer 40k crossover with anything is not to cross the line of canon as doing so will result in the endless butthurt from Warhammer40k fans and Bronies alike. It is also important to make it an MLP crossover, meaning you have to ponify it without damaging the delicate grimdarkness of Warhammer. And that leads me to pointing out that Ultramarines have nothing to do with Blood Ravens. I have no idea why you used Litany of Fury(Friendship) as Guilliman's/Twilight's flagship, as I have no clue why Blood Ravens become the First Founding Successor Chapter of the Ultramarines with Captain Boreal (Borealis) as Chapter Master (someone's playing DoW too much I guess).
Spike as Vulkan is fine. Why's he so sex-obsessed?
Pinkie Pie as Lorgar? Fair enough as Rarity is 100% Fulgrim. I wonder how you're going to crossover other Primarchs with ponies.
Alfilius lol. And what about Omegon?
Derpy as Erebus is awesome. Though the last line of Chapter 2 left me in doubt as she might be Kor Phaeron.
Btw, if you're still righting the thing and want some help as a co-writer or grammar nazi, feel free to ask.