Author:New/co/mer
Description: Our heroes travel under the earth and through the depths of a jewel mining operation in search of a captured friendInto the Mines
Additional Tags: Dramatic, Interesting, Different, and (hopefully) Emotional
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11 comments:
Well, the concept was legit--an alternative explanation for the Diamond Dogs' behavior, and I'm all for giving minor characters the spotlight--although I'm not entirely sure about the execution. Like, it's not bad, but it could have been done better--I noticed you started a lot of sentences with "They (past tense verb)" and after awhile it got really noticeable and started to bug me. Not to mention that the pacing seems to fast at the beginning, although I can't really describe why.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, it's a good story, but it could be better.
I saw the title and expected a Minecraft crossover. Now I want to read one.
ReplyDeleteI thought the concept was pretty good. I thoroughly enjoy fics that attempt to explain the actions of minor antagonists, and yours alluded to a complex dynamic that I'm sure would make an interesting story all by itself.
ReplyDeleteBut although I recognize why you pursued anonymity with the characters, after awhile the sheer amount of "They did X" sentences started to bleed together to the point that it became hard to keep track of what sentence I was reading.
Personally, I liked this story. It got me interested enough to want to read the next chapters. All in all, a good story.
ReplyDelete@Garnot
ReplyDeleteThere won't be any new chapters. It's a one-shot.
@AnonymousThere should be. This could expand into something bloody epic.
ReplyDeleteInteresting...but confused the hell out of me.
ReplyDeleteNot really sure how to feel about it...
I'll definitely be expanding the concept into another story or two in the same vein. I submitted it as "complete" at the time because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it. I wouldn't describe it as a first chapter or anything either. Let's see where it goes...
ReplyDeleteApologies for all the "they" sentences, but I hope it explained itself at the end and wasn't too painful.
Thanks for giving everything away as well >_>
Was there anykind of "tweeeest" or was the ending obvious from the beginning?
Thanks in advance to everyone who read it and especially for those who gave feedback.
@anonymouse
ReplyDeleteI figured going into the story that there were only two groups of characters it could be. And relatively early on it became clear which one it wasn't, so I'm afraid there was no twist for me.
The Diamond Dogs always seemed straight pimpin' to me. I honestly think they need more attention.
ReplyDelete@anonymouse
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid the twist was telegraphed by all the way you used 'they' so often. It became clear after only a few paragraphs that you were deliberately hiding the identity of the characters, ergo they weren't the mane cast (or you'd have just told us). From there, the gist of the plot was easy enough to figure out.
Although some might disagree with me, I think this story would benefit from being greatly shortened. The only real interest in it is the twist; everything else is set up to carefully mimic the scenes from D&PS. That being the case, you really only need enough pre-reveal material to establish in the audience's mind the relevant scenes from the show; anything else is dull, because we (are supposed to think that we) have already seen it. It would also help mask the twist, as the reader wouldn't have almost 4 pages of evasive narration to make them wonder just what the author was hiding.
Still, the reveal is interesting and pretty well-written in and of itself. And if I read with less of a critical eye, maybe I wouldn't have noticed the above-cited problems. I'll be interested to see what, if anything, you proceed to do with this concept.