Author: ParallaxMLP
Description: The happy world of Equestria shines in the light of a new day. But the town of Ponyville is about to be thrown into turmoil when a long-forgotten legend of the deep becomes all too real to ignore.Google Documents
In the Depths of Equestria
In the Depths of Equestria Part 2
In the Depths of Equestria Part 3 (New!)
FF.net
In the Depths of Equestria (All Chapters)
Additional Tags: Long, Epic, Questing, Danger, Adversity
38 comments:
Okay, even before reading anything at all, I have an issue with the description being so ridiculously vague. It's pretty annoying.
ReplyDeleteNow to actually read it.
It is really vague isn't it?
ReplyDelete@Sethisto
ReplyDeleteIt is, isn't it? *facepalm*. Okay. Hey, I'm new at this!
Feel free to change it if'n you wish. I'll email over something more descriptive too, if you like.
>criticizedsoftly.png
ReplyDelete@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteIt's okay, my tender sensibilities must weather the truth! *sob*
Updated description emailed in, if/when Sethisto gets a moment to change it.
Amusing, looking forward to the next update. But your pre-readers were right, it is a touch heavy on the use of a thesaurus.
ReplyDeleteI like the descriptions. There's quite a lot of descriptive text, which can get draggy fast in a full length novel, but here it was nice.
ReplyDelete@Dave
ReplyDeleteYour comments (and indeed, everyones!) are very much appreciated - thank you!
I haven't actually used a thesaurus, but I'm going to start doing so I think... to find more natural words to replace any cumbersome ramblings ;)
Thanks again for taking the time to read. I'm hard at work on the next chapters already!
@Seabreeze
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to read! I was concerned about the pacing (read plenty of novels that dragged to begin with because of this very issue), so it's nice to hear I'm doing something right :)
Have a nice day!
Not a bad start...I think I'll enjoy this one!
ReplyDelete@T.O. Brony
ReplyDeleteThank you for your time!
HEY EVERYONE, I've got a radical idea for you to give feedback quickly. If this works, I'll use it next time too! Sorry if it goes horribly wrong.
I made a quick, (6-question) anonymouse multiple choice survey, which voices my concerns about your feelings on the story.
If you'd rather not leave a comment, please pop by and click in your thoughts.
Linky (hopefully this survey site doesn't suck, first one I tried folks):
http://FreeOnlineSurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=9pqh0nr9g37mcqr917182
hey guyz if you are from usa and u want fluttershy from blind bag dont worry i found one u can buy it here: http://cgi.ebay.com/My-Little-Pony-G4-FiM-Blind-Bag-Fluttershy-/220782627220?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3367ab8994#ht_500wt_1156
ReplyDeleteim getting a heavy Lovecraftian feel from this.the creature you described reminded me alot of Shub Niggurath.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteGroovy - thanks for the feedback. I should investigate this further (never read any of his work, I'm ashamed to say).
If only, if only
ReplyDeletethe wood pecker sang
the story was really crossed, with adventure time.
Just swinging by again to say I'm very pleased with the comments and criticisms so far - thanks, people!
ReplyDeleteIn particular, the survey is proving invaluable. I will be taking all feedback on board, and I'm hard at work on the next chapters (which I hope you'll like even more!). Keep those impressions coming!
I'm with Anon up there on the Lovecraft feel. And liking it. I'm also getting a sort of roguelike/dungeon crawler feel, mostly because of the part where we've got a monster that's holed up underground. I can't really comment on overuse of descriptive words (or lack thereof), though, because I tend to read fast. Definitely looking forward to the next part, this is very well-written.
ReplyDeleteAn EXCELLENT Chapter 2. There was a moment where it did seem to revert back to heavy use of exotic words, but I can't remember if that continued into the battle against the beast, cause I had my breath held the whole time.
ReplyDeleteDamn, that was an amazing assault!
But, for those of us too lazy to google the word, what in the hell does 'pedantry' mean?
Oh, and you also have an empty page between chapters 3 and 4, you can get rid of it and save the space. Less scrolling, and all.
Holy shit this is so good. The writing is fantastic.
ReplyDelete@Dave
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading! Pedantry in this context means fussing over every detail. Sorry about that - Shadewing is a bit old-fashioned.
I can't see a blank page but I'm not suprsied - Google Docs looks different in every browser, and every time I fix a problem like that it causes issues in another, heh!
@Andrew
ReplyDeleteThank you! There's more to come, I promise ;) got part of the next release done already.
It was a good read and i enjoyed it so far.
ReplyDeleteFilled out your survey too.
At some points the main characters seemed to devolop a bit over the top but that might just be my point of view.
Keep up the good work!
Hmm. Chapter 2 was great, really sucked me in. However, I really struggle with creating a mental image of what this creature looks like. Is it based on an existing mythical or fictional creature, or...?
ReplyDelete@Baree
ReplyDeleteHi Baree - thanks! I'm sorry to hear about that. It's not based on anything really, but you'd be getting pretty close with "Giant f*ckoff spider with way too many legs".
I'm particularly anxious about whether people understand it's face or not, which is very hard to describe in a fluent, brisk way (especially in the heat of battle!).
Fortunately, the chapters later should clear some of this up for you, I hope!
Holy Celestia that was an awesome fight scene. I swear I could feel Silven straining to keep that barrier up. You've got a gift, Parallax.
ReplyDeleteI also love your take on the magic system, and your OC's are great. And whenever I see Chapter 5's title, I can't help quoting Fanty and Mingo from Serenity.
I have got one piece of advice for you: in late, out early. It's an old screenwriter's adage. Basically, it means "begin the scene as close to the start of the action as possible, and end it as soon as possible once the action has finished." You've probably already figured out that I'm talking about chapter 6. Now, as with many things in writing, it's a matter of proportion: if you're planning to triple the length of the story before you're done, and/or you're planning to make Silven a major character—something of which I would wholeheartedly approve, by the way—then that was time well spent. If you've only got a few chapters left, though, and/or if we'll never see Silven again, consider trimming out some of the lead-in to the fight.
Overall, this is excellent stuff, and I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment.
@Shellsh0cker
ReplyDeleteThank you! ^_^ Suggestions on how to improve are welcome, but I'd be fibbing if I said roundly positive ones like yours weren't the most encouraging ;)
In late, out early. Ta! I've kept proportion in mind; There are going to be at least two more releases to complete the tale I want to tell (so... maybe another 10+ chapters/20K+ words? Vaguely). So hopefully it reads comfortably and doesn't feel 'in early' once it's all there. :)
It's all kicking off in their world, now! Hopefully you'll like the next release too.
Thanks for reading!
Wow. I don't know what was more impressive, the length of that last chapter or the fact it didn't bore me for a second. Well, perhaps the battle against the hatchlings stretched out just a tiny bit to long... But that's me really nitpicking.
ReplyDeleteBut man... Sounds like things are going to be tough in the next chapter.
>a powerful, evil Unisus
ReplyDelete>Unisus
? The heck ?
Surely the author MEANT to write Alicorn / Winged Pegasus ...
...Unisus just sound... Pretty silly, to say flatly.
And it isn't one of the term to describe/qualify the form of the Princesses.
The third installment (Chapters 7ish to 11ish?) was amazing! So much adventure! So much drama! So many laughs! I have to admit that I also thought a little bit of Lovecraft when I read it (FYI, that is the biggest complement I have ever given one of these stories), but even more than that, the way you focused on the characters' inner turmoil during the battle, reminded me of John Wyndham. (FYI, this is an even bigger complement than the Lovecraft comparison!)
ReplyDeleteI just have one request: I don't know if you can or will do this, but please, please, please, please leave Silvern and Twilight UNbound whenever you finish the story. I don't care if Celestia herself has to descend from on high and unbind them. (BTW, AMAZING deus ex machina in this third installment! I also LOVED how it was framed with the gaurd's request... and people thought it was Twilight casting the spell!!!) If the story ends without them being unbound, there will be no plausible way for me to work it into the cannon. It won't really be part of MLP:FiM for me, just some strange alternate universe in which Twi has a girlfriend. I would be crushed if that's how it ended! I want this to be part of my idea of Equestria everytime I turn on the show. :)
@MaconMixx
ReplyDeleteCrushed because Twilight love girls and has a fillyfriend ?
Well, sorry but... That's a tad stupid ?
See the rather large section of ''lovers'' she has in the *Story Archive* section of this website ?
I think this will not bother most people.
Also, I personally find the ''mental-bound'', to be an interesting concept... A first on this website, I would say.
That's good.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteAgreed. Maybe the author doesn't realize that the proper term is Alicorn, but at the very least he could have said "unicorn pegasus."
I mean, Unisus? Really?
I'm thinking we're going to have to slap a Grimdark tab on this fic.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteGrimdark ? Not right now anyways... Off-panel deaths of unknown (or barely known ponies) doesn't really qualify.
And I hope it stays that way, personally.
Something *Normal* can also be Epic and Interesting, without have to fall into a second category. Usually.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThat's interesting - I did a bit of snuffling for what would be the 'proper' term, and it transpired that Alicorn actually refers to the horn itself rather than a specific creature; Unisus was the only direct reference I could find, and it sounded a little more Godlike, so I thought 'fair enough'.
I do like alicorn better, though. I think I shall switch them out.
I've got three words for you. They apply to not only the story, but the writer and the characters, too.
ReplyDeleteLIKE A BOSS.
Very impressive and enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI find it quite interesting that the idea of some ancient threat pre-dating even Celestia is not uncommon; hell, I even came up with a thought in that direction myself (though unlikely to see the light of day in my case!) Your is, I think, among the best realised.
I, for one, encourage the use of wide vocabularly (and notably, I didn't myself notice anything I would consider unusual); so at least on my account, you can use wide a vocabulary as you like. I look fowar to the next chapter.
"We're sorry. You can't access this document because it is in violation of our Terms of Service.
ReplyDeleteFind out more about this topic at the Google Docs Help Center"
FIXITFIXITFIXIT
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteGah! It shouldn't be doing that! They seem to be working over here, though...
Sent Sethisto a fanfic.net mirror, just in case.