[Normal] Luna time! You know what that means! Get your stars ready...
Author: Dark Side of the World
Description: Luna stands watching the moon and wonders if she even deserves to be forgiven for her crimes. Celestia soon comes and tells her sister why she is willing to forgive Luna after everything she's done.Forgiveness
Live Reading Part 1
Live Reading Part 2
Additional Tags: Sisters, Luna, Celestia, forgiving
23 kommentaari:
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaNeat story, nothing that hasn't been touched on before, but then again, it's getting pretty hard to write an original fanfic. 4 Stars
VastaKustutaWith so many fantastic writers floating around, it's hard to judge this on it's own merits. Like the anon above me mentioned, this isn't anything original, and it isn't the best about it. Luna's outburst carried on too long, everything ended up patching up with the perfect words, and Celestia didn't speak like herself.
VastaKustutaThat said, you have a knack for paying attention to the right aspects of a story, and with some more sensory descriptions you can really set the readers in your story. Keep working at it, and you should be remembered by name soon enough.
"There are currently too many people viewing this document. Please try again later."
VastaKustutaCurse you Google Docs! CURSE YOU!
Like it was said before, it's nothing new. Always Luna hating on herself and being lonely until Celestia comes in, acts benevolent, and says that she forgive Luna once again. I'd kind of like to see Celestia more act more natural and sisterly to Luna rather than always having the benevolent ruler act on. Also would like to see Luna not be childish. I mean, she DID get banished to the moon for 1,000 years by her sister. There would be resentment for that.
VastaKustutaMaybe something as simple as Celestia sending Luna to travel the world since she's been imprisoned for 1000 years before being able to take back her Princess title and duties. Maybe even have a "Dear Celestia" thing going. Would even fit with the show since she isn't anywhere till season 2.
Not a bad concept, but the execution is lacking in a few regards.
VastaKustutaFirst, there just isn't much happening in this story. That's not a problem in and of itself, but the story feels way to long for the events it describes. Basically, the plot is 'Celestia tells Luna she doesn't hate her,' right? There's no reason why a story with such a simple premise needs to be 9 pages long. If it was shorter and more focused, it would have a lot more power.
Also, there were some grammar problems. I'm glad you ran the document through a spellchecker, I really am (since not everyone who submits a story here does...), but it can't fix everything. For example, it won't catch errors like 'tried' for 'tired,' which I noticed at one point. There were a few other punctuation and word usage mistakes, but I don't want to give the impression that the story was unreadable. It's just still a few steps shy of perfect on that front, and punctuation/grammar is one of the few areas in which a writer can realistically strive for perfection.
All in all, I enjoyed the story, but there's definite room for improvement in your future writing. You will continue writing, won't you?
love'ed it dang good job op
VastaKustuta@Paperpony "Maybe something as simple as Celestia sending Luna to travel the world"
VastaKustutaTry http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/03/story-lunas-goodwill-tour.html for that. It's not finished yet but has a lot of good stuff in it!
Bluh, it was pretty good yo. Well-written, few mistakes.
VastaKustutaThis seems to be a very nice story.
VastaKustutaThis was my first Friendship is Magic fic and I’ve only recently become a brony. I have however watched the episodes multiple times and read most of the fanfics and art work on both this site and a few others. I’ve got to say I’m still amazed something like MLP is not only so good but also so popular.
VastaKustutaAnyway, yes I do realize that my grammar is a problem. That has always been my one weakness in writing, no matter how many times I check it I always somehow miss a few mistakes.
Thankfully most people say that my plot and characters usually make up for it and with any luck I’ll find a beta or editor who can help me in the future.
I’m glad that there are people who do like the fic and I do appreciate everyone telling me their opinion because I use all criticism to make sure I improve and make my future fanfics better.
This will not be the last time you see of me however, I do have a lot of ideas for this series, but for the moment I’m going to start off slow and try to adjust to the series’ essence and the audience as well with a few short stories in Normal and Shipping.
Thanks again for all your comments so far.
Later
i liked it! sure it may not be "originall" but i never grow tired of that kind of story.
VastaKustutamy inner "Lunatic" will have to give it 5 stars.
i think you deserved it.
<3
It was a good story, and it more or less captured how I believe the sisters should be in the aftermath of Nightmare Moon. A few usage mistakes, but not too bad. So, kudos!
VastaKustutaSolid fic despite the grammar errors. I really want to edit and live-read this. May I have your permission to do so?
VastaKustutaSure. What's your contact name?
VastaKustutaShoot me an email at achung818[at]gmail[dot]com
VastaKustutaReading the story helps me understand the justification for 1000 years of banishment. Story even gives a reasonable cause for the popular idea of Tyrant Celestia. I liked it.
VastaKustutaApparently people are already editing it. I was fooling around with the settings a bit since this is the first time I've used Google Docs and in less then ten minutes people started editing it. If you just click the link I'm sure you can edit now.
VastaKustutaThe SMACK seemed out of character to me.
VastaKustutalol
I wasn't expecting it.
This link goes to a Google Doc with a side-by-side comparison of the story before and after my edits. Do what you will with it. Again, thank you for writing this story. It's beautiful.
VastaKustutahttp://tinyurl.com/5ukcjkg
Great story, I've almost cried (what's really rare to me)
VastaKustutaNot exactly an original topic for a fic but well written and heart warming with plenty of emotion. I always imagined the act of imprisoning her sister would have probably broken her heart in the process.
VastaKustutaI like the idea of a bitter and feed-up Celestia turning into Nightmare Sun because she blamed her subjects for her having the imprison her own sister.
That could make a good what-if.
Overall Good work.
made me cry manly tears D:
VastaKustuta