Author: Phoenix
Description: It's just another school day for Twilight and her friends...or is it? When Pinkie Pie starts claiming that they aren't what they're supposed to be, everyone initially chalks it up to being just another bit of Pinkie's wierdness. They will soon come to find out that things aren't always what they appear to be.Brave New World Chapter 1
Brave New World Chapter 2
Brave New World Chapter 3
Brave New World Chapter 4
Brave New World Chapter 5
Brave New World Chapter 6
Brave New World Chapter 7
Brave New World Chapter 8
Brave New World Chapter 9 (New!)
Additional Tags: Alternate World, Suspense, Comedy, Adventure, Slice-of-Life
182 comments:
>Why did you reference Huxley why
ReplyDeleteSo I wasn't the only one who thought of Huxley when I read this post...
ReplyDeleteJust started. First impression: Interesting concept. Let's see where this goes! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not in the mood to read fanfics, but the picture... Is this a Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica parody? (Sayaka-Dash goes well... But Rarity will sure have a bad fate against Pinkie-Charlotte...)
ReplyDelete@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteThis. Man, I know it's a famous work and all, but... :c
I might be cool with it if it was about a dystopia
ReplyDeletebut man it's ponies as humans in high school
OF COURSE. Of course it would be Pinkie Pie to realize something was off! I need more of this, stat!
ReplyDeleteOh man... Poor Pinkie...
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely putting this on my watch list. Normally "The cast as humans omg" thing doesn't work, but in this case the girls still feel like themselves. Just, y'know, with fingers.
This is interesting, some of the scenes seem slightly rushed, like the author is impatient to get them out of the way (the last scene with Twilight felt that way especially).
ReplyDeleteWell that was interesting so far. The idea of these dissociated memories is cool and all, but... well, with a regular human world, it seems hard to tell where it might be going.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's much rushing going on. The pacing is fine, mechanically, until the very end, just after the Twilight scene. Actually, I think most of the scenes with just Pinkie Pie feel kind of rushed, but eh.
Regardless, this is... fine, for the subject matter. But it's hard to stay intersted, for me anyway.
Hmm, I found this pretty interesting. Poor Pinkie, everyone thinks she's crazy.
ReplyDeleteI smiled when the guys stood up for Rarity. She is the best pony, after all.
Also, I wonder how many readers get violent flashbacks whenever Pinkie locks a door behind her and scans the room?
Interesting concept. The whole thing didn't get interesting till I reached chapter 2, but I'd really like to see where this whole thing goes.
ReplyDeleteInteresting Pony-Human conversion. Though the school thing serves more as a cohesive device than an actual plot device, I am interested with how this goes, especially with how many resources and free-thinking minds they have here. The explanation of the close-knit nature of the groups was decent, too. Also, for some reason, I am pleasantly surprised that your school system roughly follows the one in my country.
Your descriptions are a tad too impersonal. For some entertainment, would you kindly add thoughts in between the plain descriptions? Like Rarity making a comment on the fashion disaster that Pinkie is wearing like "So dry." or "Well... that certainly was an interesting ensemble." I don't really know at these point, sorry.
I like the backgrounds you gave them, especially with Fluttershy's incredibly mysterious story. I didn't like how you did not add in Pinkie's story which would most likely be well known, as she is the local crazy and party planner.
The dialogue was mostly bland, but serviceable, but you had some real gems with Granny Smith's mentioning of "fine gentlemen" at her party and Mack's saying that he was neither an apple nor a product of Mr. Jobs. The latter was particularly clever.
Pinkie Pie's feeling lost at the whole thing draws me in. I'd love to see it, when this whole artificial memories comes back to the rest of them. Seeing the mane six crack again would be lovely.
On a bit of Wild Mass Guessing, is Fluttershy hyper-aware of this situation? Her lack of a background and her shyness may be from her intentionally keeping her involvement as much of a secret as possible.
PS. Ditzy Doo Door or Dorm Delivery Service, please.
Zecora for the school nurse, plz.
ReplyDeleteA great fanfiction indeedlit.
ReplyDeleteThat crossover picture is horrifying and brilliant at the same time.
ReplyDeleteLove the Madoka Picture :A
ReplyDeleteHaven't read the story yet but
ReplyDeleteMY CELESTIA ANOTHER PUELLA MAGI CROSSOVER
Though I would like it if Madoka was Twilight while Homura is Luna
/obviouslyCelstiaisQB
/FineI'llgoreadthatfanficoverthere
Human ponies? DO NOT WANT!
ReplyDeleteMan, this is great stuff :D I can't wait to see the rest of it!
ReplyDelete...
But how the heck do I join? I can't see a "Register" button anywhere!! (So close yet so far "sniffle*)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteStory author checking in here. Thank you all for such a warm reception! I have to admit, I was a bit nervous about putting it out there, but I'm glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI noticed a few people mentioned that certain scenes felt rushed. That is wonderfully useful feedback. My intention with those scenes was to make the reader feel the sense of panic that Pinkie Pie was feeling as all of these strange memories came flooding back to her. This was the first time I ever tried using this approach, and it shows that I do need to work on my execution of this approach in the future.
I like the suggestions for character placements, as well (such as Zecora for the school nurse), and I will definitely take them into consideration as the story unfolds. I may give some of them more "human" names, though. Even the mane six technically have human names, but use their pony names as nicknames. I was originally just going to call them by human names, but I thought that would be a bit confusing. I was able to get away with Cherrilee because I'm seen "Cherri" used IRL as an alternate spelling for "Shery", "Sherry", "Sherri", etc.
As for the future of this story: I'm currently plotting out chapter 3. These two chapters were basically painted in my mind from the get-go, which may be a good thing and a bad thing.
Fun stuff so far, looking forward to some more slice of life and more plot.
ReplyDeleteColor me intrigued. I'll have to keep an eye on this story.
ReplyDelete@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteI meant to ask this earlier: what is Huxley?
@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteAre you joking?
He's the author of Brave New World, often considered the opposite-possible-dystopia when compared to Orwell's 1984.
It seems to me that Equestria, itself, might of been a highly potential problem to some major bad guy so they simply turned the place into something that they didn't think would be a threat.
ReplyDelete@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteHuh. I'll have to make it a point to read that. I was actually making a reference the Iron Maiden album of the same name. ohgodpleasedonthurtme
@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteWell you can take a guess as to WHO they were referencing...
>this is why if I make media-related references I just take lyrics, titles are too obvious
@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteI'm honestly surprised that I haven't seen that reference pointed out before. If I had, I would have known about the novel's existence well before now. I really need to make friends with more fellow readers. The few that I currently associate with read basically the same type of material that I do, so I get very little variation in suggestions.
If you have any other novels to suggest, please feel free to. I haven't been able to sit down and really read (or write for that matter) since I started graduate school. Now that I've completed my degree, I would like to make up for lost time. I can give you my e-mail address if you think that would be a more appropriate medium for discussing reading material.
THis is an interesting take on the whole human-ponies idea. I will be looking forward to seeing how it develops. Some parts did feel a little rushed but it did help (as you said) to involve the reader in the same sense of panic and confusion Pinkie was having.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing. I NEED to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one put of by just the whole way the school seems to work?
ReplyDeleteThe uniforms, the dorm rooms and all that... instead of being brought into the real world or a reflection of the real world it feels more like they were brought into a cheesy high school drama anime.
I dunno. I've never been a fan of anime and this is all just personal pet peeves. The rest ws interesting but... it's all just nagging at me. To me, half the fun of humanizing the ponies is coming up with clothes for them and we've stuck them in Japanese school uniforms...
I'm forced to feel there's a level of 'Magic, deal with it' going on. Especially with the mild mention to Tirek in chapter one.
ReplyDeleteAdding disassociative Pinkie is a very nice touch and I wonder if she as a human had the same or similar 'imaginary' friends to help her along. I'm fairly interested as there is clearly something going on and people think Pinkie is crazy because of it.
I like it. Quite interresting plot.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone else have trouble visualizing this as anything but an anime? Maybe it's just cuz I watch quite a few anime, but something about the general feel of the narrative gives it a sort of anime feel. The unnatural hair colors, school setting, and Pinkie-- er, exposing herself... don't help oppose the notion at all either.
@BrawlerGamma
ReplyDeleteI have that trouble myself... and since I actually don't really like most anime that really kinda bugs me.
The inspiration for the school came from a couple of different areas. The whole idea of a private school with uniforms was inspired by the fact that I pass several private schools on my way to work everyday, and the students are required to wear uniforms. Whether or not they're boarding schools I can't say, but I've always liked the idea of boarding school, so I guess it was a bit self-indulgent. Now, the class structure (students stay and teachers switch out) was inspired by the Japanese school system.
ReplyDeleteDoctor Whooves shows up as David Tennant
ReplyDeleteDerpy shows up as Billie Piper with Derped eyes
Make this happen. Even just in passing it needds to be done. :D
My oh my, Phoenix. I really enjoyed this. I'm not one to see flaws so quickly, though(except spelling and grammar flaws, which you had little of), which is a blessing for me, since I can enjoy a lot of fics that way.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope you add more chapters soon. That would really make my soul orgasm.
Honesty, cupcakes isn't very good.
ReplyDeleteRead Severing or Schmautz if you want good Grimdark.
Chapter 4 didn't seem to add much. Also, grammar errors are definitely cropping up here and there. Still, you added Derpy, so I naturally can't stay mad at you.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting read. I cannot wait to see where this will go. Although the Japanese theme is definitely a turn off for me.
ReplyDeleteJust read it all.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept, FAR too much language spent describing irrelevant details (There were four building with four floors, each with 20 rooms… and Dash fell asleep where she was standing she was so bored) and trying to shoehorn in your world building. The name choices are… scattered. Perryville is fine, but Taraiku? Unless it's meant to allude to the eventual reveal that the mane cast was universe swapped by a malevolent Pokemon trainer, it really seems like sounding Japanese for the sake of sounding Japanese.
Some other positives are that the girls aren't "Oh yes, okay, I bet it was Trixie!" and that you seem to have taken the time to outline (since there's so much you want to tell us about this universe.) I'm looking forward to seeing how you evolve as an author.
Grimdark makes me laugh. Irrelevent comments aside.
ReplyDeleteI am seriously enjoying this. With the opening to the third chapter, I feel like now is a good time to claim Twilight's gonna start reliving memories of her pony life before suddenly everything went wtfhuman, and it'll slowly start to drive her mad. This will lead to the rest of the mane 6 to start seeing ponies, leading to some grand adventure in which it was Celestia all along (or Luna [In this case now Nightmare Moon] who Celestia then banished and is now coming back to dethrone her via propaganda)
The mane six then have to go on some grand adventure to track down Nightmare through a temporal rift to regain their ponydom and save all of Equestria!
Or you know, Pinkamena shows up and tries to gnaw on Dash's head in a fit of delirium. Actually, I want this to happen, her feverish state alludes to something totally random about to happen.
Thank you all for your comments, support, and suggestions! I'm not sure if I previously mentioned this or not, but this is my first time actually trying to write a story like this. I generally stick to the fantasy/sci-fi genre, but I decided that over the course of the summer I was going to challenge myself to write stories that are outside of my comfort zone. Granted, there is an obvious sci-fi element to this story, but it is much more subtle than what I usually write. To be more clear: my sci-fi stories typically revolve around space travel, space combat, etc. I'm constantly second-guessing myself with this story, and I really do fret over how each chapter will be received, so getting positive comments and constructive criticism has been very motivating.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone out there would be interested in acting as a proofreader for me, please let me know. I only have one person who I would feel safe asking in real life, and he despises my infatuation with this series, so asking him to proof a MLP fanfic would be out of the question. It would be really beneficial to have someone to check for missed errors, and I also would like to have someone to bounce ideas off of when need be.
Excellent story so far.
ReplyDeleteI'm eager to see what Twilight and Dash's 'Hallucination' indicates.
My back started to itch when Felicia's scars were described... I think I need to stop perusing ponies, particularly Pegasi,prior to sleep...
When I read the title I got excited and then I read the synopsis and sadfaced.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there a human tag for stuff like that?
ReplyDelete@Shiko
ReplyDeleteThird tag in.
i liked it, uhm, most of it. Pinkie's initial reaction to humanification was very well done, humorous and entirely in character for her. but some of what others said applies. it reads anime-ish in some places. like, otaku-style anime-ish. Taraiku? nations tend to be named after tribes/tribal nations and the like. please explain this Taraiku, even in the comments. as someone pointed out, it sounds vaguely Japanese for the sake of sounding vaguely Japanese. uhm, if that's ok with you i mean.
ReplyDeleteboarding schools. it's a ... way of forcing various temperamental personalities to co-exist but it's not necessarily a good way. still, it's what you chose and the feeling you wanted to give the world, so i can't argue. though i've always thought of the mane 6 as college age rather than high schoolers.
a slight nitpick. Fluttershy's scene. this is SPOILERY, so don't read if you don't want SPOILERS. Steve. ok, so a boy asks a girl out. now, it's obvious he's too forceful there and her body signals should have been a clue to him to back off. but social ineptness is not confined to females. anyway, his friend Brian, states he finally 'worked the nerve' up to ask Fluttershy out. that doesn't seem to me to necessarily be 'immanent rape' as it seems to be implied. so Rarity's reaction was a bit over-enthusiastic. now, further on in the story, Fluttershy's reaction is explained and all but still, the venom that Rarity shows seems out of character. it might have read better if you worked Rarity up into the frothing rage because as it stands, i feel she's over reacting. unless she has an unrequited crush on Fluttershy. but that's not a pairing i think of when i read. yes, Flutteshy is not reciprocating the guy's attentions and, as Rarity and him talk, it's clear his intent was not necessarily honorable (and i'm glad Rarity is there as Flutterape is one of my major 'do not want/cannot handle' moments), but it's not well defined in the beginning. it just seems, uhm, not all that well handled. sorry. also, Fluttershy is my favorite and, as much as the reasons behind her ... actions are grim and make me want to cry, they're well thought out and i shudder in fear and anticipation to find out more.
poor Fluttershy. :( SPOILERS END
aside from the, uhm, kinda clichéd setting and that one thing, i like it. i'm glad to see a 'Ponies as Human' story done this well. i don't normally go for these stories but i'll try to keep an eye on this one. sorry if i upset you.
I dont know if I'm thinking of this story or a different one, but I thought twilight did have a young friend who she called spike. I know that there was a pony-human story that's did have twilight and spike this looks exactly the same to me, so I'm wondering what fic I was reading that had that
ReplyDelete@Minalkra
ReplyDeleteYou didn't upset me at all! Quite the opposite, in fact: I am elated that you took the time to share your thoughts and suggestions. I'd never get any better as a writer if I never received constructive criticism from my readers.
In reference to the Tairiku thing: I'll admit, I just pulled it out of my ass. I never intended to give the country (or the world, for that matter) a name, but I received some criticism for that early on, so I just came up with something. It's been a while since I've studied Japanese, but I think Tairiku translates to "The Great Country" or "The Great Continent". I probably should have just made something up like I did for the name of the world (Estrios) as opposed to picking something I randomly recalled from my Japanese studies.
After reading through the Rage-ity scene again, I can definitely see your point there. Brian's comment about Steve "working up the nerve" was meant to be more in jest than in seriousness, but I failed to indicate that. I'd initially intended to have both boys approach her at the same time, too, which would probably have been a better set up, and is probably what I should have stuck with. I also see what you mean about Rarity being a little too fast to rage. The original scene involved Rarity distracting the two boys while Twilight helped Fluttershy slip out. The Rarity rage scene seemed more amusing, but I definitely see where the build-up was lacking.
Thank you again for taking the time to type out your thoughts!
@Anonymous (June 21, 2011 7:27 AM)
You must be thinking of a different story. Although, if you want, here is a bit of a SPOILER: I repeat, this is may be considered a (small) SPOILER so do not read past this point if you don't want anything spoiled whatsoever:
I fully intend to introduce Spike's equivalent in this world, although under a different name (his introduction will be his first time meeting the mane 6 in this world, hence he wouldn't have his Equestria name as a nickname in this world). His character's age will be on par with the mane 6's in this world, as well. I won't say anything else for risk of major spoilers, but Spike will play a role in this story.
...but Fluttershy is a year older than Pinkie...
ReplyDeleteHeck yes. Love that Madoka picture.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThat will be explained eventually. :)
Are you kidding? I didn't forget. I even wrote the Equestrian National Anthem
ReplyDeletein honor of today!
^ Well that's embarrassing. I had it opened to the wrong ED tab when I posted that >_<
ReplyDeleteWhen the first chapter was posted, I wasn't very enthused; I've got nothing against humanized ponies but something about the story didn't catch my attention.
ReplyDeleteNow, though, when I tried it again, I enjoyed it greatly. Nice alternate universe, I have to say!
Most interesting humanized fic I've seen :D Enjoyed it very much! Poor Fluttershy D:
ReplyDeleteAlso OMFFGFDFDDFG PONY-MAGICA PIC.
It's dead? ;_;
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, it's not dead. Chapter 5 is finished. It will be up soon.
ReplyDelete@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteYou may have the only humanized pony story that I've actually enjoyed. Good to know it isn't prematurely deceased.
Oh goody! Spike makes his debut next chapter! I wonder how you're going to portray him?
ReplyDeleteDitto with ^Anon, if that isn't Spike's arrival in the story I will be surprised. Makes him a perfect little powder keg of too much coincidence.
ReplyDeleteSooo, something unexplained happens and Twi doesn't try to test it by recreating the effect? That's what I'd do, anyway. See if I could levitate books instead of 'oh no, I'm tripping.' But whatev.
ReplyDeleteStill one of the best human-pony stories I've read.
Let me guess the bodyguard is Spike?
ReplyDeleteI call shenanigans! Twilight would never groan at a pop math quiz.
ReplyDeleteIs it just me but when I think of Spike the bodyguard, I think of Spike the Bounty Hunter from Cowboy Bebop.
ReplyDeleteSo, what name are you giving 'blond delivery girl with strabismus'?
ReplyDeleteIs it just me, or does the whole "wishing to be a pony" thing oddly similar to transexualism? Is that intentional?
ReplyDeleteYay, new chapter! :D
ReplyDeleteif that bodyguard isnt spike i will eat baked bads....or not.this story IS AWESOME
ReplyDelete(Taps chin) She threw up because she had eaten spaghetti, with MEAT balls! Equines can't digest meat properly. And the person coming to look after her is Spike! HAH!
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the next chapter, whenever that may be.
The next chapter is coming, I promise. A mix of horrendous writer's block and some family issues have delayed it, but I promise that I am working on it.
ReplyDeleteIs this a Puella Magi parody
ReplyDeleteHah, Dash got the worst character in Madoka.
ReplyDeleteWhy is Spike a genius rock star secret agent, instead of, you know, a servant? It would be more believable, and make more sense. Who would train a kid as a body guard anyways? Why go to the trouble when there are plenty of adult body guards lying around?
ReplyDelete@Ironlenny
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading! Since you have asked questions, I shall provide some answers.
First off, I never intended Spike to be painted as a "genius". He simply studied harder than most his age would. It doesn't hurt that he is obviously connected to Celestia in some way, which would most likely provide him with some better sources of information. Plus, there are always ways that he could have "cheated" to get the knowledge he needed. For example, when I was in the tenth grade my required math course was Geometry. When I was in the eleventh it was Trigonometry. My Trig class never once touched on the subject matter from my Geometry course. With that in mind, it wouldn't be impossible for Spike to simply have learned what he needed to in order to fit into Twilight's class, as opposed to learning everything that came before it. He certainly isn't the academic that Twilight is; at least, that was the image I was trying to paint when it was mentioned that he wasn't quite up to speed with her math course, and when his boredom in the specialty courses was mentioned.
In that same vein, I don't really think "rock star" is an appropriate title. He was a teenage boy playing in a local band who released an album. While releasing an album was a big deal once upon a time, it really isn't anymore. With the rise of small indie labels as well as the ability for bands to self-publish an album, it is much easier for a nobody band to release an album and still remain an unknown band. Take my cousin's band, for instance. They've released three albums on an indie label, toured up and down the east coast, and supported some bigger acts (the most recent being 3 Inches of Blood), and yet they are still unknown. Considering that Spike was in a band that only played locally, he is hardly a rock star. He's just another teenage boy who played in a band, which I believe is fairly common. Don't forget, the quality of the album was never mentioned, either. His involvement in a band was simply something I included to give him some back story (more of which will be revealed in later chapters).
As for a secret agent...well, I guess you could put it that way, although it isn't the term that I would personally choose. The secrecy is more out of respect for Twilight than anything. In chapter 5 it is mentioned that she didn't want anyone outside of her friends knowing about her connection to the queen, so naturally Spike wouldn't reveal that connection.
Finally, as to having a kid bodyguard: that's the question I was hoping people would ask, and it's a question that will eventually be answered, but for right now it's meant to be part of the overall mystery.
Anyway, I hope that cleared some things up. I'm sorry for such a long post, and I'm sorry if any of it came across as harsh; it wasn't intended to be. Thanks again for reading!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow the whole premise is reminiscent of Angelic Days. Was this an inspiration?
ReplyDeleteJust a question - is there some reason there was no reaction to Spike's chosen nickname? Weird stuff is happening, Pinky mentioned that in the pony world Twilight has an assistant that is a dragon named Spike, and now a person who just happens to have the same name shows up as a bodyguard for Twilight? Especially given that Pinky would have had no way of knowing that he was coming at the time?
ReplyDeleteSeems like something that would get noticed by Twilight, if no one else.
I really get the feeling that they ARE the Ponies, sharing a dream crafted by something that is trying to keep them out of the way.
In any case, please keep going - this is a very interesting story.
Ditto on what Sunspark said... I was a bit surprised by the complete non-reaction by Pinkie to Spike.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, this is still one of those stories where I'm interested to know more, but somewhat frustrated by the apparent lack of tension... It was there earlier with Pinkie and the terrorism aspect is in the background, but it otherwise reads rather...well, not dully, but just... normal.
Author's a Coheed fan. Rock on. Pretty good story too.
ReplyDeleteThe yellow door is what intrigues me the most. I will definitely continue reading this.
ReplyDeleteI would like to see more interpersonal exchanges explored between the members of the mane six though. For all that has happened, I feel that they should have had a lot more interaction, exploring Pinkie's "delusions", and the awkwardness of their group as a whole as certain members come to experience revelations of their own, and have to face their own doubt and the group as a whole (rather than apparently just brushing it aside as with Twilight's telekinesis, among other things).
Wild mass guessing time! After thinking about it a bit, I think what we have here is a shared dream world constructed by whatever corrupted Luna. Celestia is aware of what is going on, but is prevented from releasing the Mane 6. Pinky is fully aware of what's going on, but is playing along because Celestia asked her to, to prevent the thing that's controlling the shared dream from getting really nasty (for example, the past it constructed for Fluttershy). Lastly, the yellow door is only visible to those who have discovered the truth, and a very Matrixish type thing.
ReplyDeleteThe attacks from the terrorists are attempts by the controller to get Celestia to give up.
There! My mostly incoherent rambling. Enjoy.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOkay. Your writing is stellar. Your set up is good. Your characterization is fine. Your descriptive ability is okay, and your atmosphere is set.
ReplyDelete...Now we need to move on.
You must understand that the situation you've set up is very interesting. Ponies are inexplicably human. Pinkie and sorta-kinda Fluttershy are the only ones that remember being ponies, and Pinkie's memories are starting to get a little muddy and Fluttershy thinks they're just dreams. There's some sort of strange terrorist plot, and the humanized ponies are suddenly starting to display their old abilities again.
Now we need to move on. This set up has been going on for several months now and I can't lie... this last chapter felt incredibly dry.
It's a shame because this sounds like it could get really, really good. You've set up an interesting web of situations and concepts but you're moving way too slowly with them and it's starting to get tiresome, and even boring. I really want to see where you're going to be going with this, but if we keep moving along at this plodding pace then, well, I'm just gonna leave it behind. I really don't want to watch X-Men: Evolution again (interesting idea gets caught up among slow plots, whining and high school drama schlock).
You promise us suspense and adventure in the tags. Well, when you draw it out too long suspense becomes annoyance and boredom and if you wait too long for adventure people leave the theater.
You've got a good thing started here, but if you want to keep anyone's attention you should probably make something happen next chapter. And make it something big.
...'course if you were going to do that anyway then just ignore me ^^;
i want to enjoy this fic but every time i see the name "Tairiku" or read any absurdly specific descriptions of short skirts and blazers, it takes me out of "pony realm" and into a bad schoolgirl anime and it is incredibly off-putting. sorry.
ReplyDelete...All i can say is write more. I can actually picture the human versions of the mane six, Spike included, and not being thrown away by the Puella Magi Madoka crossover as the front image. :B
ReplyDeleteNow, HURRY UP. I'll likely forget about what i was reading if you allow me to.
I can't really Homura being Twilight. I think Pinkamena actually suits her more. just saying
ReplyDelete(now before you guys go muttering about reading the whole thing before commenting, i actually do comment after i read the whole thing, but ill say something first) as Ive learned over the years, i always should read the first few pages to see if it catches my attention.
ReplyDeleteyou did, but it wasn't that much. all she did was get up out of bed and get ready and then go through how she got to be living at the school and her work there, walk outside, and then "Twilight how are you" not really much of an attention grabber there but at least some. i really like how you set imagery at the very beginning when twilight 'awoke from her slumber' when the sun streamed through her window and the look of here school uniform with the emblem and that was the only thing that got my attention. you talk about the sun going through the window of her room her getting up and useing the bathroom, what does the room look like? you talked about a library and the smell of books, but what does it look like? you talked about how big the school was and people complaining about the use of too much land for it, but WHAT does it look like? (well you don't have to describe the whole school just some parts of where she is and describe them as she gets there)think of TV, when you see two people talking to each other you also see the scenery set before them not 2 people talking with ambient sound and a white background... also apply same concept but also describe what the characters look like, you provided with very little idea when the characters where introduced....
well you get my point i don't wanna point out every little thing and seem like an ass, just trying to help.
but this dosent mean ill stop reading, ill definitely read everything of course, i don't stop a story half way or at the beginning
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletealso you can include some bigger or better vocabulary (not saying yours isn't good just saying there's a wider range of vocab you can use, i use a thesaurus and/or dictionary online to help me)
ReplyDeletedefinitely a good start for a story
note: messed up on comment so had to rewrite
you know i feel like humanized never really gets a chance. I will put this on my list to read (got a essay due and only have a draft done been reading way to much ponyficition)
ReplyDeleteNormal Humanized Mane 6?
ReplyDeleteKILL IT W/ FIRE
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteYou should actually give this a read before mindlessly bashing it.
This isn't a story about some parallel universe with humans instead of ponies. All throughout the first seven chapters, it's indicated that something - we don't know what yet - has transformed Equestria and its inhabitants into humans, and mysteriously, nobody seems to have realized this, aside from Pinkie Pie (but of course, she is ignored a la "Swarm of the Century"). The story is going to revolve around them regaining their memories and returning to their old, pony selves.
I suppose that if the writer is to be believed and that something is meant to happen in Chapter 8.. I might as well stick with it until then.
ReplyDeleteStill... I gotta say, some aspects of this story are really starting to get annoying.
For one thing, Spike. How easily he go beat up by the bullies. This... makes me angry. Not at the story, not at the bullies but at him. It makes him an annoying character. Like Scrappy Doo, and how he was always so brave but always overestimated his abilities and got thrashed? Yeah, that's Spike now. Spike is Scrappy Doo. If you can't handle two bullies how the hell are you gonna handle a terrorist organization? And if he's so overconfident to keep tooting his own horn and repeating how he's Twilight's bodyguard, it suggests that he thinks "I AM TEH GREATEST BODYGUARD EVARZ." It makes him about as much of a braggart as Trixie, except in this case it's about something much more important: Twilight's safety. This kid is going to get Twilight killed. I really hate this version of Spike.
How is Mr. Cake Portly? Mrs. Cake is the portly one usually. Shouldn't Mr. Cake be a string bean? I dunno, that's not a real criticism but... more of an observation.
On top of that, I must fully agree with @andadobeslabs . This is starting to get very frustrating. There wasn't too much in this last chapter, but it IS something to keep in mind for pretty much the rest of the story. Not everybody likes anime. And some of us really DON'T like it...
Beyond all that... I guess I'm kinda glad to see this story finally start to pick up. It's certainly taken a while. Still, it moves very slowly. I'm hoping that chapter 8 will explode into full on wackiness and insanity or something... like Rainbow Dash ends up transforming into a full pony with both sets of full memory and runs around trying to convince people its her or something... that'd make for an interesting, twisty situation.
I'm not for humanized ponies, but when this was originally posted back in may, the description stopped me in my tracks, stopped me from just tossing this particular story aside like any other human fiction. I read the first chapter and I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this chapter made me grin (and not just because it was a new chapter) it's already been seen that fluttershy has had knowledge of the ponies since before pinkie, then twilight moves a book as if by magic, finally dash suddenly became inexplicitly faster and now in this chapter she was recalling specific bits and pieces of her ponihood. Even better, it sounds like Spike knows far more than he lets on.
Oh yes, I can't wait for chapter 8.
I really rather liked this. The archive binge I just went on was totally worth it. Is Spike reading Game of Thrones (or the Estrian equivalent)? I can't think of too many large-volume fantasy series that would work. And what was Twilight's preferred fantasy series? I know neither of those is at all important to the story, but I'm too much of a fantasy/sci-fi fan not to wonder.
ReplyDeleteI kinda enjoyed the fact that Spike is less than effective. It fits his character in the show, though I do hope he'll be able to live up to his boasting if he needs to.
for a humanized this is actually good, but would love more description
ReplyDeletePhoenix, I hope it makes you happy to know that at least one person got the Nevermore references you were making in regards to Spike's band. They used to be one of my favorite bands, but now they're a little too angry and depressing for me. I still give DNB, DHiaDW, and TGE occasional whirls after I've had a bad day, though. I had a mental image of Spike and Rarity dancing to Dreaming Neon Black (the song) and it was adorable, extremely sad, and funny all in one.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, this is the best of the humanized ponies stories I've read and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work.
Lost track of this fic a while ago, I iked it after I read chapter 1. Good thing I found it again.
ReplyDelete@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteAnd a lot of people really DON'T like My Little Pony. *shrug*
I think I'll have to wait until this fic is actually finished for me to read it, because like someone else said before, it goes really slow. At least with the fact that this world isn't how it's supposed to be, which is what drew my interest to this fic to begin with but now I think it's pulled the dragshoot for too long.
ReplyDeletecan't wait for the next chapter I'm really looking forward to see how things develop, a very unique twist that's been put on this whole story
ReplyDeleteI really like this story. It's set up well and it has a really interesting premise. I'm not too sure about the terrorist stuff yet. When it first came across, it seemed like a background thing, but now it's being pushed in front. I kinda wanted to see more interaction between the characters, especially after the Fluttershy chapter. Hopefully it all works out in the end. Very nice work, though.
ReplyDeleteI like the story, but the Huxley reference definitely threw me off. Considering Brave New World is one of my favorite books.
ReplyDeleteI've read this story several times, but now I'm getting impatient. I've been waiting over a month, PLEASE WRITE CHAPTER 8 PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Woz5.
ReplyDeleteThis story is too good for me to keep waiting!
am i The only one who s getting a A Glitch in the Matrix type feeling surrounding The weird Things going on.
ReplyDeletep.s. really makes me think of KHII.
Sorry for the long wait for chapter 8, everyone. It's been an... interesting... month. Between writer's block, job hunting, house hunting, wedding planning, and some insane future in-law drama (such as my soon-to-be brother-in-law assaulting my fiancee and her mother), I have had a hell of a time with writing this chapter. It is in the process of being written, though, and I am trying to finish it ASAP.
ReplyDelete@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteDayum.
Well congratulations anyway.
If anyone is checking this comment section for updates: I have just finished chapter 8! It has been sent off to my pre-readers for review, so as soon as I hear back from them (and do my editing) it will be available for your reading pleasure. Don't worry--the editing process is fairly fast. Also, chapter 8 is quite long in comparison to the rest of the chapters, so hopefully that will make up for some of the wait.
ReplyDelete@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteYAY
@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteAwesome! Hopefully it will be ready tomorrow or Sunday.
I just submitted the chapter to Equestria Daily, so it should be up here soon. I also uploaded it to Fanfiction.net.
ReplyDelete^^; Sorry... Trevor failed this time around... Awesome chapter though! Keep up the great work, Brony! /]
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
It's all good. I still implemented your edits before this went live. I'm really starting to like Google Docs.
ReplyDeleteAnd we finally get the proof something weird's going on. Don't think Twilight can deny it now.
ReplyDeleteYES!!! Chapter 8 is finally up and it didn't disappoint either!
ReplyDeleteHeck yes, this is starting to get pretty damn good.
ReplyDeleteOn a sad note, it sounds like we're nearing the climax of the story, which means we're almost at the end. Been a good run, but it's going to be sad seeing this go.
why isnt pinkie pie in this picture
ReplyDeleteChapter 8: now things start to get interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe graphic artist for this story certainly knows how to attract a crowd - I started reading on the promise of "Puella Magi Ponies", but came away with something equally interesting.
ReplyDeletePoor Spike isn't much of a bodyguard - constantly getting beaten up, leaving Twilight to play video games with Dash, and getting sidetracked by an infatuation with Rarity. Maybe this fickleness is the reality of child soldiers, but you'd think Celestia would instill better discipline in her secret service. Then again, maybe Spike really ISN'T a bodyguard ...
I've just wrapped up all eight chapters, and I think the story is moving at a good pace. You really excel at teasing the reader with hints about the abnormality of Perryville and the ponies' growing awareness of their other selves.
As for recommendations, I would encourage you to be selective about the physical details of Perryville. "Brave New World" contains some very precise descriptions of the high school and dormitory layout, and sometimes, the narration gets bogged down in detail (for example, Dash visiting Pinkie Pie's room).
I sense that "BNW" will only grow darker as the mane six rediscover their pony abilities, and as Shame on the Night grows bolder in their revolutionary tactics, but sometimes the story launches into an uncharacteristic, "gritty and grim" tone, especially around Fluttershy. We know she's suffered physical abuse from her father, and she comes very close to an implied sexual assault at school. Both scenes are tossed out very abruptly, and the gravity of Fluttershy's backstory sticks out among what is otherwise a light-hearted mystery about developing magic powers and discovering secret identities. I think a 'dark past' subplot in such a story needs to be teased out a little more delicately, so that readers are better prepared to accept the grim reality underneath a cheerful utopia.
Otherwise, I am looking forward to the next installment. It looks like Twilight now has indisputable proof that something supernatural is going on, and I'm eager to see how the ponies (humans?) unravel these mysteries.
I knew it! I knew iiiiit! I knew Twilight wuved Spike! And this is the ONLY way where that situation isn't at least a little creepy!
ReplyDeleteI love this story.
I thought Fluttershy's story was a great part. Yeah, it is a lot darker than the rest of the story, but it sort of fit. At least to me, anyway
ReplyDeleteThe entire time I'm reading this, I am like "When are they going realize they were ponies?!" WHEN!
ReplyDeleteIt has been a while since this story last updated. I know you're busy, and i can wait. But in the meantime. Mind giving me an estimation on when you'll be finished?
ReplyDelete@Unknown
ReplyDeleteChapter 9 is coming along quite well, so barring any major incidents or writer's block I could probably have it done by the end of this week or next week, depending on whether or not I decide to keep or scrap a few scenes.
As for the story as a whole: I'd like to have it done by the end of February, but we'll see.
Okay, so, information from your friendly neighborhood author. I'm getting into the final scene of Chapter 9, so it shouldn't be much longer. I had intended to have the chapter done by now, but I didn't consider the fact that we had finals week this month (I work in a Testing Center that handles exams for online classes), which left me swamped and drained, and I also didn't consider the impact of the holidays. Anyway, I just wanted to post this here for those of you who check the comments for updates so that you'd know where the chapter was at. Sorry for always making you guys wait so long.
ReplyDeleteChapter 9 is complete. It has been sent to my pre-readers for editing.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait!
ReplyDeleteListening to Ghost of the Navigator before reading a new chapter or while reading the first is the only way to truly appreciate this story. Or maybe that's just because Brave New World is another Iron Maiden song.
ReplyDeleteI've thought this before in earlier chapters, and I'm thinking this now after reading chapter 9:
ReplyDelete"What the crap?"
Yay!
ReplyDeleteBrave new world? Heroes 3 anypony?
ReplyDeletewas Megan a stand in for scootaloo? er darn I want answers to everything
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_n5E7feJHw0&feature=related
ReplyDeleteThat is pretty much my reaction.
I take it that means you didn't like it. Well, thanks for at least giving it a chance!
Delete@Multiversity
ReplyDeleteOld forum weapon is old.
I hate it when I get addicted to a story and it ends because it's not done yet. Makes me rageface. Need moar. NAO!
ReplyDeleteNew reader here.
ReplyDeleteThe format you've published this in is kind of annoying. Since it's "published" rather than "shared" via GoogleDocs, the "save as " function is missing and copying the text doesn't bring along any formatting information. It's basically impossible to save for offline reading without stripping it down to plaintext. Any chance you could cross-post it to another site or something?
Edit: Okay, I see that you changed to 'shared' for chapters 7+... but that still doesn't help with the beginning. :/
ReplyDelete@Anicon Does it make it any less effective? No? Yes?
ReplyDeleteI'm still reading part 9, but it's REALLY good!
ReplyDeleteSomehow it feels a little drawn out and these chapters seem a little filler. I think it's because the mood is tense yet what is happening isn't. If the mood was still happy and stuff it would fit the activities going on around.
ReplyDeleteI generally enjoy this story but I feel that the characters reactions to events are a bit exaggerated. The worst thing that's happened to any of the characters has been the knife wielding crazy man, and Spike and Twilight seemed to take that in stride. Compare that with Twilight nearly having a breakdown over some books moving on their own and my mind slams to a halt as I roll my eyes. Kind of takes me out of the story. It's like the characters are all a bit more Rarity than they should be.
ReplyDeleteOther than that though, interesting story, even if it is a bit slow. Lots of potential here.
@LordOfTheWrongs
ReplyDeleteSorry it took me a while to get around to this. All of the chapters are shared now.
Experiencing...withdrawal.
ReplyDeleteFull...withdrawal/
ReplyDelete@Anicon same here.
ReplyDeleteSorry guys, I know I'm letting down those of you who are waiting for an update. I have just had no inspiration... this next chapter is just dragging for me. I don't blame anyone if they're frustrated, angry, annoyed, etc., and I do want to apologize for not having a new chapter up already.
ReplyDeleteIf you want, I could help you write it. I wouldn't mind at all.
ReplyDeleteI really like this story, and I would hate to see it die.
I think I'm going to take a different approach to chapter nine, and to the ending in general. I'm not overly happy with the way it was turning out in its current form, and last Wednesday I was hit by what was essentially a small bus. Thankfully my injuries aren't too severe, but it did crush my laptop, which had the current version of chapter nine on it. The files are lost to me until I can access the hard drive, so I might as well take the opportunity to try a different approach. I apologize again for it taking so long. I kind of feel like I've failed those of you who actually look forward to the updates.
ReplyDeleteI'm subscribing to these comments. For a long time, I had forgotten the title of this story, and all I could remember of it was that it took place in Perryville. Fortunately, that was enough to find it on FanFiction.net, and then I searched for it on EqD, and here I am.
ReplyDeleteKinda bummed this story has been forgotten. It is very good, and it had a lot of potential.
ReplyDeleteYeah! How's it coming, FlameLordPhoenix?
ReplyDeleteHey man, we hope that you're doing well and that nothing bad has happened to you.
ReplyDeleteUpdate, please? :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, this not only for the story but an update on your health.
ReplyDeleteI don't see any other way to contact the author.
ReplyDeleteMaybe here's a way: http://realmenwatchponies.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteDid he ever respond?
ReplyDeleteBy scrolling up on this page, I can see that the last time FlameLordPhoenix commented was on 4/23/12. I'm subscribed to this post's comments.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I hope he's all right though.
ReplyDeleteNEEEEEEEEEEED NEW CHAPTER :c
ReplyDeleteDefinitely
ReplyDeleteMaybe Seth should remove "New!" from Chapter 9?
ReplyDeleteDude, this is awesome! 8D When was Ch9 posted and when should we expect Ch10?
ReplyDelete@fufuyurifan
ReplyDeleteWe've been waiting for almost 11 months
I'm alive. Will poat a longer comment later.
ReplyDeleteHooray!
ReplyDelete@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteThank God. I've been following this story for over a year now and it has become my favorite. I'm not about to watch or let it die. For me or for others to enjoy.
Ten days later...
ReplyDeleteIt's okay.
ReplyDeleteWe can wait a few more days.
Okay, so for those wondering what happened to me...
ReplyDeleteA lot has gone on in my life over the past couple of months. For starters, I was beginning to get sick of this story. Writing it began to feel more like a chore than something I did for enjoyment. The more I thought about (and still think about) the intended ending, the more I begin to feel that it's incredibly lame and out of nowhere. Couple that with my waning interest in FiM, and you can see where my desire to write kind of fizzled out. Not that I don't still enjoy FiM, but it's more like how I enjoy PowerPuff Girls and all of those old shows.
The other side of things is that I started to have questions about how FiM fandom fit into my beliefs (and this is the part where I will ask everyone to be respectful and say nothing if you have nothing nice to say). I'm a Christian, and I started really focusing on the Christian life this summer. I started to get weighed on by the opinions that anything featuring magic is not proper for a Christian, and I started thinking too much about it. That particular issue has been settled now that I have a firm understanding of what is called Christian liberty (in other words, I no longer think that FiM is in conflict with my beliefs), but it was part of what was going on with me, so I figured I would share it.
So, the big question: will I finish the story? I honesty wasn't intending to, but seeing that I have people who are hopeful for the completed story makes me feel like I should finish it. I will say this, though: don't expect too much. The ending I have planned it very... meh, in my opinion. I once had a high opinion of it, now I don't.
I'm a Christian too, and I'm glad you were able to see that there's nothing that a Christian should or would find objectionable in Friendship is Magic. As for the story, I'm sorry you feel like it isn't ending well, but I think perhaps some kind of ending is better than no ending at all. That way, when we know how it does end, we will understand better how we (as readers) might write a different ending. (Fan fiction of fan fiction!) Good luck in whatever you try to do from here on!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jordan, and I am also glad that you have come to a stable point in your beliefs. I can understand how going through all of this would be a top priority and it's good that you have found a common ground. In terms of the story, it's fine if you don't want to continue. I think at the end of the day, a simple definitive answer is better than none at all. That being said, something would better than nothing at all, so even if you don't think the ending will be as great as you think it is, then it's fine. At least it's there.
ReplyDeleteAnd like Jordan also said, I'm sure people could redo it if they wish. I know I have thought about it, but it's all up to you.
@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteAwesome. There will be an ending. Time to up the irons one last time.
Woo!
ReplyDelete@FlameLordPhoenix
ReplyDeleteGenerally speaking, an ending is better than leaving off a story where the author loses interest - I know that in the case of 'through the eyes of another pony' I'd love some sort of ending, because no ending leaves the reader hanging with no sense of closure. Heck, in some cases I guess an author could just post their notes on how it would end - it won't be good storytelling, but it's better than leaving the reader with no ending.
@FlameLordPhoenix Hey, I just found and read this story today, and I loved it! I understand if you don't want to continue it, but just know that you have fans who would love it if the story was finished, even if it was just in notes, like thorium said.
ReplyDeleteJust letting you know, I've been here since the beginning and I check regularly to see how everything is. I can't wait to see how this ends.
ReplyDelete:)