Author: Ciroton
Description: Derpy Hooves goes about her usual day, but with a slight change; she tries to talk to Twilight Sparkle. Will she be able to make friends with the introverted unicorn? Or, will she scare her off with her... unique ways?Words are Louder
[Sad] Sequel!
Description: A normal night for Derpy Hooves goes horribly wrong. Can she take the charred remains of a shattered life and nurse it back to health? How will the citizens of Ponyville react to the changes that night brings? Can the Pegasus conquer her demons for a pony who means more to her then anything else?My Little Muffin
My Little Muffin Part 2 (New!)
My Little Muffin Part 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Acceptance, Trial, Death, Fire, Disability, Derpy Hooves, Dinky Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, Incomplete
74 comments:
I'd say its quite possible we'll see an entire episode dealing with her, with her derpy eyes they could do an episode about ponies who are 'different' from everyone else.
ReplyDeleteMy main worry though and I'm outnumbered here is that they'll make her talk non-sequentially and act utter retarded which I know much of her fanbase enjoys. I like smart socially awkward but probably a touch spacey Derpy, but that's just me.
I really like this story. I've always preferred an intelligent or smart Derpy to an insane or stupid one but combining intelligence with the lazy eyes and logorrhea we've come to know and love in the fanon was a nice twist.
ReplyDeleteI know this was just meant to be a one-shot but if this same author ever feels like making another story in the same vein or taking place after this one, I would love it read it.
Oh Derpy, you so silly.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I do hope she becomes an important secondary character (you mean she isn't already? XD) but it would probably be best if she still spoke normally. After all, we've seen her silently spoke in the background to other ponies before.
Still, if she does become more prevelent in the actual series, I trust Lauren Faust to do the right thing.
And I would totally support an episode about Derpy and respecting people who are different; that's totally a moral fit for FIM's younger viewers.
I hope she becomes a minor secondary character, like Big Mac or Zecora -- someone with an established voice and name, who crops up from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story, it seemed to be well written and well organized. Also, it is one of the only Derpy Hooves stories I have read that do not portray her as stupid or unintelligent.
ReplyDelete!!sniffuM
ReplyDeleteI also agree with how Derpy's portrayed here. Just because she might seem unusual, it doesn't necessarily mean that she wouldn't be intelligent.
ReplyDeleteIt would be nice to see this kind of take of her in the show, if she's given a more prominent role.
IF Derpy gets some kind of real roll I doubt she'll be full Derp because of the basis of the show. Then again, that may be biased because I prefer the more diligent mailpony Derpy.
ReplyDeleteBUT Arleen Sorkin(Harley Quinn from Batman cartoon) MUST be her voice. Someone pointed that out and it's all I will accept now.
"Okie dokie Missus T! Just sign the dotted line and you'll be all set."
That was so good! This story would be awsome episode. I like idea of Derpy being normal inside.
ReplyDelete@Batty Gloom
ReplyDeleteThe best Derpy is the Derpy/Bright-Eye that has a daughter named Dinky... but I guess, even if it would be hard for me to accept, for the sake of convinience in the series, that Dinky COULD be optional...
Anyways, continuing about Derpy... Best one is where she is smart (good at her mailmare job), BUT has a ''Speech Impairment'' disorder, thus explaining why she talks strangely sometimes...
Pretty much the best and easiest way to have *Derpy* AND a fonctionable/usable and the loveable character we all know.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird how many good Derpy fics there are. Reading Ostracized!Derpy actually made me a bit tight in the chest.
ReplyDeletePersonally I think Derpy(Ditzy) is a bit of an airhead but a diligent worker. But I don't see her as stupid. Nor spouting random nonense mind you as she has been seen holding conversations with residents of ponyville
ReplyDeleteThough I like the characterization you gave to Ditzy simple appearance but Brilliant on the inside
Lovely story. Shorts are one of my favorite formats. I love fics that portray Derpy as unintelligible in speech, but eloquent in script with a powerful mind and heart. Absolutely my favorite characterization of Derpy.
ReplyDeleteOh, and having her show up Twilight in the intelligence department...
Simply delicious.
Only thing missing is Dinky. This story is great. A quick and enjoyable read.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering derpy being a clumsy pony. Can't her be eyes fixed next time in season2? most of my friends didn't like eye being derped! Probably her name must be Ditsy doo!
ReplyDeleteHeartwarming story :). Quite well written.
ReplyDeleteAbout Dinky:
ReplyDeleteI didn't include her in this story because I felt that she would feel tacked on. The story is more about the inner workings of Derpy then anything else anyway. Maybe in the future I will focus on the mother-daughter dynamic when I get a little more comfortable with the characters.
(Yes, I know they're fan-created, but still. =P)
I incorporated Derpy as Ditzy Doo in a very very very short portion of my Rarity story. I utilized complete sentences that were still nonsense in context, as they were regular pop culture sayings and phrases that sounded like advertisements. Looking back, it feels kinda cheesy. But man, people must really love Derpy fics. This is another good one.
ReplyDeleteI felt it ended a little abruptly, though, possibly because I was expecting for Twilight and Derpy to have their meeting like she proposed.
ReplyDeleteBut it was still good and well written. Chapter two would be enjoyable.
Definitely a fan of Derpy with working mind but with what accounts to a handicap or disability. Which could very easily translate into an episode about such a topic. I also prefer it when Derpy isn't her real name, just a nickname that everybody calls her, either playfully or somewhat spitefully.
And agreed, I'm not sure whether I want her to be more integrated into the show or not. I'm sure we all have different ideas about how she should act, speak and what she sounds like, so either way some people will be disappointed (she sounds like Nika Futterman to me, don't know why (as Mike from Mike Lu & Og (though she does voice Scootaloo so the chance of me getting my way here is actually closer than others))).
So I kind of want her to stay fanon, in case her depiction on the show changes or ruins some of our ideas about her. But Canon Derpy would be so awesome too, a character on one of my new favourite shows, created in some part by its fans. It would just be too cool.
I'd be a little disappointed if they didn't officially name her "Derpy Hooves".
ReplyDeleteWith 42 5-Star ratings, I think it's time to add this story to the 5-star pile.
ReplyDeleteI wondered where Twilight was in all of this, considering its a sequel. But I take it we'll see her appear in the next chapter.
ReplyDelete@BlitzWing00
ReplyDeleteI can't remember where I read it, but Faust originally wanted to call her "Ditzy" but she has now accepted the "Derby" name.
Man. I just completed the paperwork to end a yearlong unemployment streak and begin work at my dream job, successfully hit on a rather attractive girl, and at at the end of the day I am still left feeling super depressed because of this story.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing more depressing than one pony's adventures in child services.
Oh thank god. I saw the Sad, Dinky, and Death tags and got worried
ReplyDeleteDammit, child services! Leave Derpy ALONE! She's a perfectly fine guardian! Also, just want to say that this is one of my favorite interpretations of Derpy/Ditzy.
ReplyDelete@ToonNinjaI agree whole heartedly
ReplyDeleteWhile this interpretation of "Derpy" is not my cup of tea (down to the name), the story is still somewhat interesting.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of questions. Why did they take Dinky without testing her foster parent? Wouldn't they need personal verification in order to see whether she's too mentally damaged?
Does the story take feeling Pinky Keen into account? Derpy sort of dropped the ball (and the anvil. and the carriage) in that one.
Lastly, is Viridian Gem just unmotivatedly evil or something? Did she call the authorities to investigate just for some low-blow HaHa moment?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI think Virdinia Gem is your overly protective lady who thinks she's right about everything and thus is always correcting other's "mistakes". She's like the lady next door who get's the gay neighbor arrested so that "he can't contaminate this neighborhood anymore".
Manly tears have been shed again.
ReplyDelete"...she was not nearly conceited enough to play this sort of thing while reading."
ReplyDelete>search youtube for canon in d major
>start music
>continue reading story
The animators have already confirmed that Derpy's role in season two will still be as a background pony, but they'll actually be writing her into random 'Where's Waldo' cameos throughout the season instead of just having her as a background clone.
ReplyDeleteMost likely this means appearances like in Feeling Pinkie Keen... or at most having little random scenes in the background that leave us wondering if there isn't some other group of ponies having adventures that we'll only ever see bits and pieces of
Given that I used to be a foster kid, this REALLY hit home. Amazing story, hoping for more
ReplyDelete@Amos
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right. Oh, how I wish those types were unrealistic. Sadly, once you've seen the circus created by the likes of Phelps...
This reminds me a lot of Today, Tomorrow and Forever, only the setup is much better and much more believable.
ReplyDeleteMan... I just cannot understand why everypony must be so Biased against our favourite Wall-Eyed Mare.
ReplyDeleteI , for one, like her just how she is. Exactly how the this Great story, and many others portray her.
Logorrhea{or Logorrhoea}, lazy eye, incredibly brilliant, and yes slightly clumsy too :p
Those factors alone make her what she is today. If she didn't have those traits, she would be just another pony in the crowd. I say keep her how she is.
On another note, if it wasn't for Derpy, I would not have Declared myself as an official Brony!
As for the story..... HOOKED!!!! I'm anxiously
waiting for the next installment. And every story I read about her is helping me further develop her in my story. I'm Trying to finish the first part of the story but im having trouble, Completed Eight stories[Over 150 written pages each] since I was 16 and im 26 now.... but i was never a good writer. This will be my Ninth story.
Im hoping to keep this one in line with the storyboard and I hope that when I post the first part. It will be bearable enough to read.
Name of the Story : Untold Sacrifices
Main Characters : Big Mac, Derpy.
Side Characters : Almost the Whole Cast and one side character of my creation.
Anybody who can give me more information on Derpy's mother and father would be greatly appreciated. All I do know is that her mother was sick and her father was a worker at Sweet Apple Acres.
Props go to all of the writers out there that keep my inspiration going. I love reading the fanfics ... as I know everyone else does.
Derpy for Derpy
I read it, and loved it, reminds me of Today, Tomorrow and Forever, but in a more enjoyable way. Hope you get chapter 2 done soon.
ReplyDeleteso sad! ;_;
ReplyDeleteIf I was Ditzy/Derpy I would have destroyed that pony who lied about her
ReplyDeleteDoes this need a "Complete" Tag? Or is the writer going to write more in the same 'verse?
ReplyDeleteManly tears were shed.
ReplyDeleteEnh. Fairly enjoyable read, but I HATE HATE HATE the whole "language disorders (and disabilities in general) just go away if you try hard enough!" plot device. It's cliche, patently untrue, and using it has serious Unfortunate Implications.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as someone with a PSY degree, I'm going to nitpick because it's been spreading - talking nonsense the way Derpy does in this story and others is not logorrhoea - logorrhoea is excessive speech, compulsive cussing, and/or repetition of specific words or phrases/echolalia. Sort of like what you see it in some cases of GTS. The word you want is "Schizophasia," or "word salad" - spewing a list of related words with no structure, OR confused word usage with no apparent relation to intended speech, which may or may not retain proper grammatical structure.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAccuracy and realism be damned, this is a show about talking magical ponies and it got me cheering for Derpy.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou win an internet for that one.
Damn straight that accuracy and realism be damned!
Also, was I the only one that had the urge to play the Phoenix Wright themes during the courtroom scenes?
Spoilers
ReplyDeleteWell. I read the original chapter when it was first posted here. At the time, I found it ok. It wasn't great, the main flaw probably being Derpy only then thinking of the fact she could write instead of speak. That made little sense, and I don't think there would be a acceptable explanation for it, period. Personally I am also not a fan of the "talks complete gibberish" version of Derpy, but that matters none for the quality of the story.
Chapter 1 of story 2 was good. A lot better then the first story. Emotional, written well enough and over all it kept the attention and made me want to read more. The one minor complaint I may have had was that Twilight didn't appear, which seemed odd if it was a continuation of the first story.
Of course, chapter 2 and 3 remedied that. As for chapter 2, it starts out suggesting there is going to be more to this with Twilight. Another story perhaps? Time will tell, for now it doesn't matter. Not much to say about chapter 2. I wonder why there is no description of Candid meeting with Derpy and/or Twilight, that could have been an interesting scene, but again, minor complaint.
Chapter 3 is just frustrating for the most part. I'm the first to admit I know little about court cases and the legal system, but there is very little effort to convince the reader the defence has any evidence that Derpy is an unfit parent. We have mention of the list of 50 witnesses, which is cause for wonder in itself. Judging from what happened before, plenty of ponies know and trust Derpy and should not question her so much. And mention of a medical report, though we have no idea where it comes from. But even if that has merit, that really is the only glimpse of the reason(s) the defence has for deeming Derpy an unfit parent.
All the defence does is say "Well, that's nice but that doesn't make her a good parent so it doesn't matter." The speech impediment, her high IQ, her contributions to Equestria's mail system... Epona: "Personally, I have yet to hear any reason that makes me think she is fit to be a parent." Here I am thinking "I, as the reader, have yet to hear any reason she is not fit to be a parent." It just doesn't add up.
Then we have the director. Why is he so sure Derpy is retarded, even despite everything that had just been said? From the second chapter I was under the impression that Viridian Gem had some relation with the director. It was some kind of plot between them to get revenge on Derpy for a reason unexplained to the reader. Also, Candid seemed to suspect something which is never really explained. I guess all of this is not the case however. Judging from the end, Viridian was just being nasty for an unknown reason, I guess its just who she is. And the director... who knows? I'm guessing that he may have problems coming out of the closet and that for some reason fuels part of his anger. But there is very little to base that on, and even then, it seems unlikely that alone could muster such hatred towards Derpy (which as far as I can tell he really doesn't know besides being another case).
ReplyDeleteNow, and this is no criticism but personal opinion, Derpy suddenly managing to talk normally didn't really work for me. Its supposed to be touching I'm sure. And actually, it was, at least at first. Her stuttering made it believable how hard she was struggling with it, I could see her in my head, really pouring everything she had into saying those words. Then the stuttering and the pauses (indicated by ...'s) disappear and that effect was lost. However, as I said, that is personal opinion and therefore again does not matter for the quality of the story.
However, even then... How does this suddenly convinces everyone? If her high IQ wasn't enough, if the fact that she invented the Postal Box system wasn't enough... if writing a letter in front of them, and showing them her other letters showing her, not only perfectly able, but in fact well above average mental capacity can all be swept aside by a "none of that constitutes good parenting" (which in itself is already questionable)... Why is this suddenly different? Saying it or writing it, that really shouldn't matter.
Viridian Gem's actions at the end again confused me. As I said, I take from that she is just ignorant and nasty, but apparently not so nasty as not to apologize. And also she apparently has no hidden grudge against Derpy, which previous chapters did suggest to me. Again though, that is not really criticism.
It does bother me that she apparently can't talk normal again unless she is trying to say something heartfelt (as said at the end). You'd think that if she really puts in a on of effort she would be able to. That would make more sense to me.
Having said all that, don't get me wrong. I love the second story. Its touching and of course I was rooting for Derpy and Dinky all the way through. The end of story 2 is handled well, and its satisfying. Not sure I can see Dinky calling Derpy mommy, but I don't know... Maybe she can. Again, that's more personal opinion, not so much criticism. All in all, the second story was an improvement over the first and I did enjoy reading it. I guess we might get some more insight in what's going on between Twilight and Celestia next?
Confound these commenters. They drive me to reassess my 5-star rating.
ReplyDelete@Baree
ReplyDelete"As for chapter 2, it starts out suggesting there is going to be more to this with Twilight. Another story perhaps?"
Have you read this story?
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-sunset.html
Just nevermind this comment if you do and were only talking about how it is going to develop further. ;)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAh. I have not. I avoid Grimdark like the plague, bearing very few exceptions. That does explain some things though :)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteNo. The writer actually used the phrase "Breaking her disability..."
That's just plain not okay.
is there a story that's with twilight being princess for 3 weeks?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThis one.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-sunset.html
Part 3 was just beautiful. (Spoilers?): Derpy's speech was very moving and very beautiful. It shows how well-written Derpy was in this story.
ReplyDeleteI've always loved fics that feature Derpy in this kind of light; stories that show Derpy is, in fact, an intelligent, perfectly normal pony. She just has to have a pair of crazy eyes and the occasional speech impediment (depending on the author).
In other words, a beautiful conclusion to a great story. :)
@KidNeo
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more.
While having Derpy/Ditzy (and Dinky) made canon would be awesome beyond measure, I can't say I'd like it too much if they gave her the sort of nonsensical "word salad" speech-pattern seen in fics like this. She's meant to be (mistakenly) seen by others as mentally deficient, not functionally brain-damaged. While I understand the intent - to make her seem more sympathetic to the audience, it just seems like overkill to have her act like, instead of a script, she was given a Mad Libs book.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I picture her more akin to Osaka from Azumanga Daioh - seems to always be in her own world, possibly deep in thought, and due to this she tends to be somewhat a social outcast, but no considered retarded. She sometimes may say random things but not to the extent of "Pickle wombat fork" or what have you, more like she may be talking and fade out for a moment, only to say something possibly random or totally off subject as her train of thought shifts elsewhere than the current conversation.
-_- you know I got tired of waiting for the updates for this, so yesterday I went on deviant art and I found parts 2 and 3.
ReplyDeleteXD of course as soon as I read them I get updated.
*Starts Chapter 2*
ReplyDeleteOh shit. This takes place after Sunset? Wasn't expecting that.
This was a pretty legit story, but I found the trial scene to be a bit of a game-breaker. Whole thing just kind of deflated. It's still good, and I still quietly cheered when Derpy and Dinky were united, so there's that.
ReplyDeleteIt was nice. Heartwarming little thing. I had a few niggling problems with it here and there, but nothing that keeps me from 5-Starring it.
ReplyDeleteI don't care what Derpy's like in Canon. Just as long as her name is still "Derpy". frankly I like that better than "Ditzy doo" or whatever. Oh come on Lauren! KEEP DERPY'S NAME!
ReplyDeleteLove this story, it's incredibly moving and shows how Derpy can represent those who're looked down upon for being 'differant' in appearance or mannerisms. Smart Derpy is the best Derpy, it makes her more complex and a lot more sympathetic
ReplyDeleteMy only complaint is the villains have little to no motivation beyond a desire to be complete and total assholes. Viridian Gem went to great lengths to get Dinky taken away and yet later seems to act like she didn't know what Derpy was really like despite at least 50% as many as those who badmouthed her were on her side. It's not a fic-ruiner but it does show a lack of characterization, maybe if she was a childhood rival Derpy showed up once or something similar her utter disdain for her would be more realistic
Yeah, I think I'm going to avoid another court scene in the future. All the criticisms so far, I have noticed while I was writing/editing it.
ReplyDelete- Director Lullaby and Viridian Gem: They're supposed to be know-it-all, biased jerks who think they know everything and thusly assume Derpy to be unfit. Maybe Lullaby had a mentally incompetent parent who abused him? Who knows.
- Derpy's Speech: It was supposed to go as if she was picking up steam like an old locomotive. I doubt she will ever speak like that again though, since she was desperate and angered.
As for ponies suddenly siding with her, recall Twilight's letter and that she could 'feel the love radiate off of her like a magic she hadn't felt before.' It's possible Derpy tapped into an ancient magic open to all ponies. I dunno. *Shrugs*
But yeah, thank you ALL for your comments and criticism. I'll keep it all in mind for my future stories.
I think the thing about Viridian Gem that bothers me is that she asks for forgiveness (it was the most major of the things I mentioned above that nagged at me).
ReplyDeleteThere are certainly massive bitches/assholes like her/Lullaby in real life, who go out of their way to ruin other people's lives because they just don't care. And I thought that is what you were initially trying to paint her as, because such a personality fit her actions to the letter.
She needs no real reason to act like she does. She's just that way. I've met people like that. I'm sure we all have to varying extents. And Lullaby acting roughly the same way works just as well, with the bonus being that people in real life positions of power like he was frequently do act like he did in the story.
But the asking for forgiveness changes heavily what I initially thought of her, because in my experience people like that simply don't care. If they are proven wrong, they act like it is your fault for proving them wrong rather than their fault for being bigoted fools.
In this respect, Lullaby was written perfectly, as he was defiant right up to the end against insurmountable evidence contradicting his blatant bigotry. It makes Viridian's characterization early-on seem weird, because her actions seemed to be done purely out of spite rather than out of a combination of spite and ignorance, the latter of which I think her trying to atone implies was the case.
I liked this for the most part. Can't help but root for Derpy, but I think there were parts where it could have used a little more love.
ReplyDeleteParticularly the court battle. While I obviously can't speak for how the Equestrian court system works, I do have a general understanding of how the American system works.
First off, the term "prosecution" is used only to mean the plaintiffs in a criminal proceeding. It's not used in a civil case because no one is being prosecuted. No one is going to jail, as there is no guilty or not guilty verdict, just a finding in the favor of one of the parties for each claim brought before the court.
Second, Twilight actually did a good job proving her case under rules of evidence starting with having Derpy write a "sample" letter to the court and following it up with calling Candid up with his testimony showing not only Derpy's intelligence, but also the malicious behavior of the director.
Third, related to the second above, Epona's objection that Twilight didn't prove Derpy was a fit parent was actually rather weak and would have failed in a real court in the real world, the simple argument against Epona's objection could have been pointing out that the entire basis for Dinky's removal was claims of mental incompetence on Derpy's part. Thus, any evidence showing Derpy's intelligence and competence would not only be relevant to the proceedings, they'd actually be the strongest gronds for their appeal.
Finally, in an appeal proceeding, the burden of proof is actually on the side whose decision is meant to be overturned. Epona honestly could not turn to Twilight and as for positive proof Derpy was a good mother in this process and actually expect to get anywhere, especially when Twilight actually did submit proof of both wrongdoing on the FPS's part but also proof of Derpy's competence, the entire basis for Dinky's removal.
I liked this fic a lot, but I highly recommend doing a little research in how most common law judicial systems work next time. (Hint: Not like Pheonix Wright.)
I liked the first story, but I loved the second one.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this fic as a quick read, but I cannot give it 5 stars. I could barely give it 4. It just seemed to fall apart in the 2nd and 3rd parts, at least to me.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, it wasn't made clear that these stories take place in the same fanon/continuity as "Sunset", so seeing reference to it was confusing at first. And its relevance to the story felt tacked on. It got better, though.
There were some problems with unclear voice in Part 1 (and to a lesser extent later on) that made me wish I could go in and edit it to clear things up.
Also, I am not a lawyer and I can't claim any extensive knowledge of the legal system in the USA or Britain (where I assume the writer is from since no American writer would ever have one character call another a sod), but I do know that several terms used were flat-out wrong. As others mentioned, "Prosecution" is only used for criminal cases and only ever refers to the State; it is NEVER used in a civil case like this. The correct terms, used elsewhere in the story, are plaintiff (Derpy et al) and defendant (the State). And like Yaro said, there is no "guilty" or "innocent" in civil cases, only findings, in this case of fitness or unfitness.
But enough about terminology. Clearly in this system, the burden is on Derpy to prove she isn't retarded, since that is the entire basis for the State's case, which she does. That, plus testimony from the actual investigator that the State had not conducted a proper investigation, would have been enough for any real judge to toss out the case and probably slap the State with a fine and possibly an injunction against further activity.
Others have already pointed out the unfortunate implications of Derpy temporarily breaking her speech block. Aside from the fact that her disability as written doesn't match to any real one (a few come close, but logorrhea isn't one of them), you can't just break a disability like that. It would have made more sense if she had kept struggling and stuttering throughout instead of slowly becoming more coherent. For both this problem and the legal one, the author probably needs to do more research to avoid a great concept turning into a train derailment.
TL;DR, I love the idea of this story, but its execution severely challenged my suspension of disbelief.
Holy crap, did this get update-complete today? What are the odds I'd randomly pick it off my reading list on the same day you finish it? Anywho, on to the commentary.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'd like to say I greatly approve of, neigh, applaud your use of Derpy as an intelligent, but vocally-challenged individual. I love it when authors have her be the voice of wisdom or reason, although the use of completely random words instead of horrendously complicated metaphors was new for me. She could be the Wise-Blind-Man equivalent like from plays like Oedipus. (I joke on occasion that I'm learning derpy-speak when I make my patented metaphors that almost always require some explanation to understand fully).
I simply adored the concept of Dinky being adopted rather than mothered by Derpy, even if I had to stop for a minute to scream at how painful that concept was to swallow, as the moment you started the fire, I knew where it would lead. If only that weren't an accurate possibility for reality. Heart wrenching, painful, beautiful.
The foreshadowing you used, although brief and short-term, was excellent for holding me as a reader, as there was no way I was going anywhere after the line "It only made what happened the next day even more unfair."
After reading some of the comments about the court hearing, I do agree that there were some inaccuracies, but you are a fanfiction writer, doing this out of love for the material and genuine desire to spread that love via your own creation, rather than someone writing for profit. Therefore, I will not hold it against you in any way.
The overall story was excellent, and deserves praise. You are clearly a talented writer, albeit with plenty of room to grow. Your first story here, 'Words are Louder', was well written and had a nice, uplifting feeling. I'd give that a 9/10.
Part one of 'My Little Muffin' nearly instantly pulled a 10, as it had me IRL yelling and begging for her to be given some peace and happiness. The next 2 parts were not as amazing, with the beginning of part 2 and the end of part 3 being the best of those. Totaled up, they both get 8/10, but the overall effect is a 9/10 for the whole story.
Please keep writing, do not let any of the negative things we have to say keep you down, and let us see what you really have to offer. I look forward to seeing your name in future fanfic posts on this site.
Oh, and just in case you are reading this, I do believe you may be one of the featured authors in my next Fanfic Faves on Flankbook, which is what I have done for 4 or 5 excellent authors over the last few months.
these are some of the best fan fics i have ever read :D
ReplyDeleteI liked it a-lot. A Derpy Fiction where Derpy is Intelligent is a great Fiction. Period.
ReplyDelete*SPOILER*
But one little rant I would have is why go through all the trouble of making sure the Court was in their favor? 5000 bit bribes, and a expensive lawyer just to make sure a kid doesn't have a mom? Seems a little extreme.
But rant aside, it was a great fiction.
Actually, Anonymous, that's not unrealistic at all. I've watched organizations such as "family" types and religious factions spend tens of thousands - even millions of dollars to enforce ideas and regulations born of prejudice and ignorance.
ReplyDeleteThere are those out there who will pay any price for the right to enforce their hate and fear of others.
If they don't make this into a real episode, they're missing out on something good. If TNG can do it, FIM jolly well can.
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words to describe how moving that piece was. It seems a bit mature for a kids show to ever actually make it into canon, but damn it, it should!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most fantastic adventures that I have ever read, providing insight into one of the most beloved side characters. Derpy Hooves fans far and wide: I urge you, nay, I implore you to read this, for the sake your of your own enjoyment.
6/5, Ciroton, now THAT is a fanfiction.