Author: Prince Shadari
Description: Trixie returns to Ponyville to learn magic from Twilight Sparkle in an attempt to learn how to best defeat her. However a magical accident as well as strange feelings towards Twilight make her desire to be the best unicorn in all Equestria a little easier and a little more difficult at the same time.Swapped
Swapped Part 2
Swapped Part 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Accidents, Enlightenment, Everypony, Power, Provoking
15 comments:
Pretty straight forward, looks promising for now. Needs more lovey dovey, because we all love more lovey dovey.
ReplyDeleteYESSSSSS
ReplyDeleteAnd then suddenly. Rarity was gay.
ReplyDeleteHaha, Anywho, I think that the story was great. It seems simple enough, I can't wait to see another part =)
@Hikuro14
ReplyDeleteNeeein.
While I appreciate lovey dove stuff, I feel like this deeper character development is better.
...For building up to the eventual adorable payoff, of course. <3
Part 2: You referred to Twi's presence being like an antiseptic. An antiseptic is used to clean a wound and prevent infection. You meant analgesic ("pain killer").
ReplyDeleteWhile the story is cute so far I was surprised Trixie didn't try to, um... take advantage of her new powers, if you know what I mean. She didn't try to do the one thing her new body is most known for!
I also felt the whole scene with trix finding out what had happened to her took too long with very little payoff. Spike's dialogue there was really stilted and not necessary; I would probably have done a little Batman parody:
Trixie held out one awkward hoof. "Mirror," she demanded flatly.
"I'm sure this is only temporary, we'll figure out how to--"
"MIRROR!" Trixie roared...
OK, this is really bugging me. Phrases like "she saw that" and "she noticed" are word cruft, and your writing would flow much better without them. We assume we are percieving the world through Trixie, so it's redundant. Try to concentrate on her reactions instead of her perceptions, and avoid state-of-being verbs (be, is, was, etc.) "When she looked outside she noticed it was already almost noon." is passive and boring. How about "The sun was slanting almost straight down outside. Noon?! Trixie sat bolt upright in bed."?
ReplyDelete@Escher
ReplyDeleteThat happened in BrotherPrickle's Trixie/Luna fic
@LordOfTheWrongs
In just a few hours, the sun will rise
@Naxts
ReplyDeleteC'mon, there was at least some of that vibe in "Look Before You Sleep." Besides, with Equestria's considerable shortage of colts, being gay is almost certainly something to take into consideration.
why didn't i love this?
ReplyDeleteTwilightxTrixie is clear win...
but there's something...
i just didn't like it..
Going to nip this in the bud here, as there already is a comment on my DA complaining about a lack of resolution in the story. If you read my comments about each story, you would have noticed that I intended this to be a small part of a series of fics that tell a larger story. So PLEASE don't go off on a tangent and troll me for minor things, like not reading my clear warnings from the previous stories. Please, I get enough trolling in my life, I don't need any additional here.
ReplyDeleteHowever, do please continue to point out errors and tell me how I can grow as a writer. Always welcome those.
You could probably start by not referring to critics as trolls.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to sound odd, but you should make a point that these stories are grouped. If you can maintain a constant POV per storyline, it'll work out great.
ReplyDeleteBecause you create a whole lot of plot bunnies, and the only one resolved is the power transfer, and Trixie's internal realization of her crush.
Not knowing about them before hand would be a crime. ^^
Well, that was ok. 3 stars here, and here I go why only and as much. I liked the story in general, I liked that it wasn't a OneThread story, and it contains nice hookes (Pinkie Pie: I am... WHOOked!) for a few different fics and shipfics - that's good, as it put some life into the surroundings of our mane heroes and make the character so much more vivid, as they are, well, Characters and not additions, so Trixie/Twi could talk to to make the plot go. That is nice.
ReplyDeleteWriting was, well, ok! However, as someponies already pointed out, if we are looking with Trixie eyes on everything around, we don't need to read again that she SAW that GODDAMN thing or she DOES that GODFORSAKEN thing. We know it already, for Luna's Sake!
Yeah, I READ all of yours "this is not the end, there will be more in different stories!" stuff, but it changes nothing, as THIS story simply does not feel closed up properly. Sorry ;)
A solid 3. Might change it to a 4 but it REALLY feels like it is begging for a epilogue, continued fic-verse or not.
ReplyDeleteSolution: Finish it?
ReplyDelete