Author: The Masked Brony
Description: Applejack and Twilight spend the day together, each coming to terms with their feelings, amidst the Ponyville Halloween festival.Feelings in Plain Sight
Additional Tags: simple, light-hearted, fluffy, feel-good, fun
35 comments:
"Sparkling Apple". "Juice" for light-hearted, "sauce" for serious or mature.
ReplyDeleteNICE STORY. Let's fill that errant chart!
Hows about we just call it Sparkling Cider?
ReplyDeleteThat works.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this story is really adorable. Good first fic for a shipping, Masked Brony!
"Applesparkle" sounds like a flavor of champagne.
ReplyDeleteNow I have diabeetus.
ReplyDeleteWorth it!
d'awwww at aj in a cow suit
ReplyDeleteand spike....
awwwwwwwwww
just
....
sugarlumps.
*yawns*
ReplyDeletewow that was a long story. Worth every line though.
That was just...so...I loved it! Eeeeeee! AppleLight is sooooo cute! I think it might be my second favorite Twilight pairing now!
ReplyDeleteThe author deserves mad props for nailing every single character perfectly - even Mr. Cakes' lines seemed to have spoken by the stallion himself, and he was in the fic for less than a minute.
ReplyDeleteI also love how he fleshed out Granny Smith's character and filled in the blanks left by the show, little details like these just made this story all the more believable and entertaining. The sudden cameo of Granny Pie just made everything all the more sweeter.
Look at this, onto my third paragraph and all I've managed to talk about are side characters. But the attention given to involving pretty much all of the show's cast is a feat not often attempted, let alone succeeded, but this story just does it.
As I've already said, every character was dead on in character. Twilight being so bookish and scientific by nature is reflected by her interest in the craftmanship of halloween props and her general awkwardness in social situations. Applejack's dialogue, and fear of the occult are only but a few of the things that express her character. All in all, both of them are in character.
The story itself was adorable, the little tidbits on the side such as Fluttershy dating Big Mac, Spike visiting the Everfree Forest with Snips and Snails, and the two Granny's going off on their own adventure gave the feeling that Twilight and Applejack's story was one within many other tales. This gave me the feeling that I was in a world that moved in it's own pace and direction, and that the main characters of the fiction were just two of many other characters living in this world, and so were not the center of attention.
A nice long story, with plenty of build up, followed by a well made climax and a good ending. This how a shipping story should be made. It should take time for the two characters to get to the point of confessing to eachother, of course, that time can be any length - it just has to have the proper build up and believability backing it. I hate it when I read a shipping fic and it goes from 'I suddenly have feelings for someone' to '...and then they kissed' in ten seconds flat. Most of the entertainment in a shipping fic, or any romance story at that, is the conflict and the awkward scenes between the two characters. So reading a story that does it right, such as this one, is a real treat.
My only complaint is that there are some spelling errors, missing words, and some scenes with multiple characters speaking can be hard to follow because I was confused by who was saying what. But it wasn't so bad, and it can be fixed easily.
Anything with Applejack in it is awesome, as far as I can see, and this is no exception. Loved it.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAgree with *everything he just said (damn, what a long review you have there ;) )
*Everything except the last paragraph... or maybe just not all in that one.
-I didn't really focus on the grammar to see the errors, so...
-And the character are only hard to follow at the begining, I would say.
-As for my own recommendation... I guess it would be, maybe, to add ''some'' space sometimes. Like, I could read it just fine, but it was still some very BIG chunks (paragraphs) of text.
Excellent story, long but enjoyed every bit of it. the only thing I can critique however is to paragraph indent and work around the dialogue switches to signify whose speaking. Other than that great story, loved it!
ReplyDeleteIt's a good start. It could definitely use a few editing passes, but it's not bad.
ReplyDeleteI think if I had one comment about the actual writing, it would be nice if you focused on one character's perceptions rather than staying in a relatively disconnected omniscient narrator voice. Not saying you should go to first person, but the limited narrator describes the events as if aware of only Twilight's senses (thus, if Twi doesn't know something, the narrator doesn't tell us about it), and everything is sort of filtered through the way Twilight would experience it (for example, instead of saying "Twilight found the pony's voice grating", you would just say something about "the pony's grating voice" and leave it to the reader to infer that it's just Twi's opinion).
It's probably just a personal preference, but I find that the universal narrator lends itself to bland exposition far too easily, and sticking to a limited narrative voice can help make the writing punchier.
Oh, by the way, I wanted to add that I really liked the way you handled Derpy. A little off-kilter but not actually /insane/.
ReplyDeleteI just read the whole thing, and I am now converted to...uh...Applesparkle. Gotta add that along with Trixie and Twilight.
ReplyDeleteAugh. I tried reading this last night and it made me gag.
ReplyDeleteNot the characters, no definitely not. There were two glaring things about this story that irritated the hell out of me, so I guess I'll try to lay it on harder than an enraged cottonmouth.
The typos. Oooooooh the typos. I literally counted 1-2 erros every paragraph, and if it wans't paragraphs, it was every 4-5 lines of dialog. The five-spaces paragraph openings, seriously using "where" three times in a row? Did you even LOOK at this once after writing it? It bothered the hell out of me and I honestly couldn't stop thinking that you were some 14 year old who felt jealous that everyone was writing fanfiction, and you couldn't, so you threw something out there. And didn't proof read it, get it proofread, or think much about it beyond what happened in the story. I mean, even the dialog confused the hell out of me, as you don't always specify who's speaking (you can use groups speaking in turn without given speakers, sure, but there were several lines where I wasn't sure who was speaking until I started reading the responding line of dialog). This kind of unedited, fast maelstrom of writing isn't always bad; I tend to like stories that seem to be a series of events that were unpredicted by the main characters, coming out of nowhere and messing up their life, and seeing their natural responses.
But this story is one long action sequence, mechanically speaking. I've read some stories like this, and it's really obvious why they do it. The entire story REALLY seemed to be just dialog, with enough description of characters and setting so we set up some generic situation. Though I don't think this is acceptable, even in fanfiction. All things need description, all stories need good pacing, all written fiction needs a SETTING. You don't really DESCRIBE the setting beyond naming a place or spewing out a few ideas whenever it changes. It's all character dialog, thoughts, and how they react. It's like a play. I think this would work out much better if it was written in a script format (which I have no problem with at all, I opted to read Hamlet out of boredom over the weekend, quite a good read). But then you had that ending scene between AJ/Twilight, and on the farm, and really, I saw good descriptions and an interesting dialog between the much-loved awkward-twilight and honest-applejack, and I knew you COULD write some descriptions, set a setting, and delve into feelings just fine. You just have to work it in more, make it seamless and work at it. It's easy to fall into the trap of writing endless dialog until a big climax to the story or a very specific event happening, so try to avoid it.
I am optimistic about your writing because I liked the couple you have here, and you wrote the characters out just fine. I hope you'll improve it with time. But for now, it's two stars. This story felt like one incredibly rushed scene, forcing out dialog to make the day try and pass and just REACH the night so you could write that scene, where you really poured your heart out.
There were problems. I'm not going to say it was perfect. But I read it 12 hours ago, and you got the ideas across, which is the primary goal of fanfiction.
ReplyDeleteAnd it was pretty enjoyable, even though I really want to find out what Smith and Pie were upto now.
So I'd give 3.58, but you get rounded up to 4.
This song fits this story flawlessly - right down to the country/lesbian singers that wrote it! Just thought I'd share ... enjoy!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOBZ_dkGpJ4
Great story. Just one thing; Rarity says "Dear" and "Darlin a lot. A lot! I was starting to think it was done intentionally, noone can write this without noticing himself, but that would make you insane. So...explain yourself.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't very fond of the story, but this is still one of the best fics I've read simply for getting every single characterisation absolutely perfect. I really REALLY felt they were the exact same characters I watch on the show, no more, no less, and it helped me empathise and visualise scenes so much better. Keeping them on track for such a long story must have been very difficult.
ReplyDeleteWonderful, wonderful writing. I read it again and took notes to help my own composition.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYeah, she does. But you know i couldn't help it. In my head that's how Rarity talks. But I might go through and try to trim them down a little.
Congratulations! your epic story has filled Moar Boars need for Applejack x Twilight sparkle shipping.
ReplyDeleteMoar Boar is full.
Loved It but quick question.
ReplyDelete"A voice rang out to interrupt their strawberry time"
Strawberry time? *snicker*
Let me say that I'm not a fan of shipping for this show,that said however if there IS one shipping pair I can stand it's this one, something just strikes me as right about AJ (whom I love) and Twilight.
ReplyDeleteThe story itself was pretty good in and of itself, With a bit more editing I'd totally dig another one you wrote.
BTW, first post here and new fan to MLP FIM...
Nothing wrong with lesbianism… along as it deals with ponies… *deep, manly voice* teehee…
ReplyDeletelong, well written, cute (well lesbian ponies were always cute). i want to see more applesparkle ^^ keep up the good work man!
ReplyDelete(D4SHTH3R4INB0W)
(btw i only ready the best shipping and the best sad ones if i comment on its it means its fucking good.)
BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY THE INTERNET, I NAME THIS SHIP:
ReplyDeleteSPARKLEJACK
JACKSPARKLE
ReplyDelete(and it's a ship, get it?)
I enjoyed this fic.
Not really into character building in these since any info on the characters, that has no bearing on the story, is useless. I did love how well you portrayed the characters though.
Having read 9Nine9's comment (can't fully agree but then again you may have rewritten somethin') I agree that your story does have little setting. That's fine though. People do not necessarily need all the little details to picture what's happening. It's your style and I say you should stick to it.
On a final note: Terms like "shooting"
//“Sure shooting, sugar, sure shooting. Ya wear it down on yer head, tilted to the side, well that means you’re raring for a challenge or fight. Which ever ya find first.”//
and "fatty"
//With a little cajoling from Twilight, Applejack was back in her proper spirits by the time they reached the vast sea of vendors selling sugary, salty, fatty and just all around not very healthy food and refreshment.//
carry some... unfortunate implications.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI love you for that link...FOREVURRR also I love you author for making a halloween story and a applespark story....FOREVURRR...I'll write a full review later.
Now I really want a picture of AJ and Twilight in their costumes. A pony in a cow costume is a priceless mental image.
ReplyDeletei approve of the "sparklejack"
ReplyDelete@the masked brony
ReplyDeleteCute. Real cute. The mental image of AJ in a cow suit is... well, it needs to be drawn. Same with cowfilly Twi.
I will say this much for a bit of a critic! I didn't like the "confession" scene. While I adored how you spent the vast majority of the story developing the adorable characters (and yaaay~ fluttershy has a colt friend and its sooo cute) the fact that Twilight suddenly releases pent up gay feelings and both make a big jump in that scene from best pals to... ya well it felt abrupt and a little overdone. I would have loved to see a lot more coyness or embarrassment like I expected from twi rather than her suddenly taking huge initiative right then.
Otherwise, still... so... cute.
WOOHOO! Awesome story! Magical Trevor approves!
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
What a sweet story! Between my favorite ship, my favorite holiday, and such believable writing, I couldn't dislike this if I tried! Thank you for writing this. ^^ It made me very happy.
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed this it was a great story and I really loved the festival part that is where your writing truly shined keep up the good work.
ReplyDelete