• Story: Bake Sale (Update Part 3!)

    [Normal (subtle shipping]

    Author: ThatOneBrony
    Description: The Cutie Mark Crusaders embark on their latest adventure. The events that follow send Apple Bloom on her own adventure with one purple dragon."
    Bake Sale
    Bake Sale Part 2 
    Bake Sale Part 3 (New!)


    Additional Tags: Apple Bloom, Spike, Appleoosa, Crusaders, Part One

    38 comments:

    1. I've always thought this shipping couple was a bit weird yet fitting.

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    2. i like this kind of you know cute little kids relationship it's kinda lovely to me it makes me go d'aaaaaawwwwww

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    3. Cute, but I winced at the dialog quite a bit. Guess that's a normal problem when you listen to their official dialog at least once a day. :p

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    4. Yeah I'm down with this, only problem Is I've gotten used to others being able to write apple's accent in lol, otherwise a good fic so far.

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    5. Equestrian CriticMay 1, 2011 at 12:11 AM

      alright then...

      the good points:

      your story feels compeling and the idea is original, the pairing itself is somthing i think i never saw personally and for me that's a plus.

      your descriptions are nice small and to the point, and you have a firm grasp on the narrative.

      We did not see that much of the character but you seem to have a good understanding of everypony and that's really good.

      One thing you really should watch out for is your character inner monologue kinda feel forced,it feel like the character are changing too fast for little reason. Add some subtlety. Try not to explain in too many details and have some faith in your readers ability to piece two and two together it will make the read that much more enjoyable.

      (/nitpicking Rarity should have said "who is the lucky Mare?" not Girl /nitpicking)

      All in all a nice fic, and i really hope to hear more from this story and this author

      4 out of 5

      Equestrian Critic out

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    6. For your first fic, this is really good.

      Adorable and entertaining. Plus, I'm a huge fan of this shipping for whatever reason, and I'm always hungry for more fics with these two.

      I'm incredibly eager to read the next chapters.

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    7. please write more, this is getting to be a great story :) i gave you a 5 star

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    8. Equestrian critic nailed it by highlighting the inner monologues. They are WAY too revealing. It's 2 chapters in and the characters are already having weird feelings for each other? Eh.... Love is slower than that IMO.

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    9. By the way.... IFaptoThis.jpg

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    10. I really like the set up for the plot and I think you captured the characters very well. My only suggestion is that maybe you should consider drawing out some of the scenes. It just seems like everything goes by a little too fast. I recommend fleshing out what the characters are doing a bit and describing their surroundings more thoroughly. Remember, the details are what make any story really sing.

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    11. I really enjoy Apple Bloom/Spike stories for some reason. Also what Equestrian Critic said about the inner monologue I feel is correct. Sometimes just a very little bit means a lot more

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    12. @Cottonmouth I've never understood why you like spike so much

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    13. @Anonymous I think that his choice of a reptile (a snake, to be precise) as an username could be a hint...

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    14. Looks promising. Pretty cute story.
      Can't wait for the next part.

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    15. WHY DO I LOVE THESE FICS SO MUCH?!

      Apple Bloom x Spike is one of the most adorable match-ups ever. :D I'll be waiting for the next part! :3

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    16. Hello everypony!

      First of all, thank you SO much for all the feedback. I guess I never thought that MLP fanfiction would be where my Creative Writing class would go to work. I've started part three at this point, but I'm not going to finalize it until this weekend at the earliest. All the responses from you guys has given me some insight that I'm looking to apply here.

      @Gent
      @Kenrick
      Believe it or not, I mulled over this topic for the longest time. In the fanfiction I've read, it's always been of a high quality to the point where I feel as if I'm reading it in the voice of the character. All the "Ah"s thrown in to Applejack's dialogue in these fics did nothing for me, save making me stumble over it.

      @Equestrian Critic
      I hear ya. Part Three (at least what I've written) improves on most of this stuff IMO. As far as details, I've gone a lot more in-depth to explain the setting (e.g. what Appleoosa looks like a year after OaB), as well as lessening up on third party explanations (e.g. more dialogue/thoughts, less narrating).

      @Cottonmouth
      I have backed off on that for now. My original idea was to indicate that, although they have not been around each other much, there's something there. Development on that half will be stopped until (at the very earliest) the beginning of part 4.

      @Cottonmouth
      Eww.

      @Cole
      Got it.

      Thanks again, everypony, for all the pointers. I kinda lied about that Creative Writing class, I only took half of the class.

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    17. One more thing.

      Keep an eye out on /co/, I'll throw part three up for review there before I submit it here.

      Cheers,
      ThatOneBrony

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    18. The only complaint I have is it seems like the love came on too fast, you should have slowed it down and let it come on gradually instead of making it seem like they already have feelings for each other.

      Other than that, I'm really enjoying it, and even that I'm enjoying somewhat so no worries. Looking forward to the next installment.

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    19. This is cute! I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes. I'm a big fan of this pairing.

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    20. @Anonymous

      Don't go getting the wrong idea here. I'm no furry. Or would they call that a scaly if it was reptile fetish? I have no idea.

      I just find Spike to be the funniest character in the show. While LOLRANDOM humor from Pinkie is fine every once in awhile, I prefer Spike's more dry humor. Just preference.

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    21. I liked this third part. Can't wait for the next ones! :D

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    22. Equestrian CriticMay 4, 2011 at 8:20 PM

      here we go for chapter three

      first of all, this chapter is probably the perfect length, keep you interested without reaching tedious levels.

      one thing though, as i said before your narration is really good. your dialogue could use a bit of a boost,i think you need to have the character interact with eachother more, such an example:

      "She must have cleaned herself up, Spike thought as he noticed the bow in her mane."

      could have been handled as dialogue instead, and the reaction could've established more for both characters. or when braeburn took them around town, it was a good opportunity for character developement.

      (/nitpicking "“My friend Apple Bloom,” he gestured to her, “and I"
      In this situation it should have been:
      "“My friend Apple Bloom and I,” he gestured to her,are here to get a batch of Appleoosan apples" it doesn't break the flow of the conversation that way. /nitpicking)

      all in all i can see you made some very nice progress and i hope to hear from you soon!

      still 4 outta 5

      Equestrian Critic out

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    23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    24. I couldn't finish the third part. The characters are off just enough that I couldn't focus on the story.

      For example, Apple Bloom gives up and let's Spike pack her bag. Apple Bloom's whole character is focused around her independence and self-reliance as a "big pony", she wouldn't accept help that easily. Also, Spike is way too bland. Where's his ego? His petty insults? Spike's an eccentric character, and we see that when he crushes on Rarity. You gotta portray thin in your spike.

      Don't get me wrong; I like the story and it's direction, and I think Apple Bloom/Spike is adorable, but it feels like I'm only getting 1~2 dimensions out of 3-dimensional characters.

      </Simon>

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    25. Hey, everyone. Sorry I've slacked off on this. I'll finish part 4, and maybe 5 if I find the time, but no guarantees.

      Sorry if this pisses anyone off. I've just been really busy lately. Confound real life, it seperates me from ponies.

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    26. This thing has been on part 3 for like months now and I've been waiting to see how it plays out ;_;

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    27. Waiting for a new chapter for a fanfic you like...

      feelsbadman.jpg

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    28. Mer... I want part 4... :'(

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    29. Hell's goin' on?

      It's been like two years since the last update

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    30. Y U NO WRITE MOAR PONI?!

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    31. Please let there be more! Pleaspleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!!!

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    32. We need to find the author and force him to make more! :D
      Solid plan!

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    33. awww this story is so precious!
      Apple Bloom is best pony. :3

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