Author: ThatOneBrony
Description: The Cutie Mark Crusaders embark on their latest adventure. The events that follow send Apple Bloom on her own adventure with one purple dragon."Bake Sale
Bake Sale Part 2
Bake Sale Part 3 (New!)
Additional Tags: Apple Bloom, Spike, Appleoosa, Crusaders, Part One
38 comments:
I've always thought this shipping couple was a bit weird yet fitting.
ReplyDeletei like this kind of you know cute little kids relationship it's kinda lovely to me it makes me go d'aaaaaawwwwww
ReplyDeleteCute, but I winced at the dialog quite a bit. Guess that's a normal problem when you listen to their official dialog at least once a day. :p
ReplyDeleteYeah I'm down with this, only problem Is I've gotten used to others being able to write apple's accent in lol, otherwise a good fic so far.
ReplyDeletealright then...
ReplyDeletethe good points:
your story feels compeling and the idea is original, the pairing itself is somthing i think i never saw personally and for me that's a plus.
your descriptions are nice small and to the point, and you have a firm grasp on the narrative.
We did not see that much of the character but you seem to have a good understanding of everypony and that's really good.
One thing you really should watch out for is your character inner monologue kinda feel forced,it feel like the character are changing too fast for little reason. Add some subtlety. Try not to explain in too many details and have some faith in your readers ability to piece two and two together it will make the read that much more enjoyable.
(/nitpicking Rarity should have said "who is the lucky Mare?" not Girl /nitpicking)
All in all a nice fic, and i really hope to hear more from this story and this author
4 out of 5
Equestrian Critic out
For your first fic, this is really good.
ReplyDeleteAdorable and entertaining. Plus, I'm a huge fan of this shipping for whatever reason, and I'm always hungry for more fics with these two.
I'm incredibly eager to read the next chapters.
please write more, this is getting to be a great story :) i gave you a 5 star
ReplyDeleteEquestrian critic nailed it by highlighting the inner monologues. They are WAY too revealing. It's 2 chapters in and the characters are already having weird feelings for each other? Eh.... Love is slower than that IMO.
ReplyDeleteBy the way.... IFaptoThis.jpg
ReplyDeleteI really like the set up for the plot and I think you captured the characters very well. My only suggestion is that maybe you should consider drawing out some of the scenes. It just seems like everything goes by a little too fast. I recommend fleshing out what the characters are doing a bit and describing their surroundings more thoroughly. Remember, the details are what make any story really sing.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy Apple Bloom/Spike stories for some reason. Also what Equestrian Critic said about the inner monologue I feel is correct. Sometimes just a very little bit means a lot more
ReplyDelete@Cottonmouth I've never understood why you like spike so much
ReplyDelete@Anonymous I think that his choice of a reptile (a snake, to be precise) as an username could be a hint...
ReplyDeleteLooks promising. Pretty cute story.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for the next part.
WHY DO I LOVE THESE FICS SO MUCH?!
ReplyDeleteApple Bloom x Spike is one of the most adorable match-ups ever. :D I'll be waiting for the next part! :3
Hello everypony!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you SO much for all the feedback. I guess I never thought that MLP fanfiction would be where my Creative Writing class would go to work. I've started part three at this point, but I'm not going to finalize it until this weekend at the earliest. All the responses from you guys has given me some insight that I'm looking to apply here.
@Gent
@Kenrick
Believe it or not, I mulled over this topic for the longest time. In the fanfiction I've read, it's always been of a high quality to the point where I feel as if I'm reading it in the voice of the character. All the "Ah"s thrown in to Applejack's dialogue in these fics did nothing for me, save making me stumble over it.
@Equestrian Critic
I hear ya. Part Three (at least what I've written) improves on most of this stuff IMO. As far as details, I've gone a lot more in-depth to explain the setting (e.g. what Appleoosa looks like a year after OaB), as well as lessening up on third party explanations (e.g. more dialogue/thoughts, less narrating).
@Cottonmouth
I have backed off on that for now. My original idea was to indicate that, although they have not been around each other much, there's something there. Development on that half will be stopped until (at the very earliest) the beginning of part 4.
@Cottonmouth
Eww.
@Cole
Got it.
Thanks again, everypony, for all the pointers. I kinda lied about that Creative Writing class, I only took half of the class.
One more thing.
ReplyDeleteKeep an eye out on /co/, I'll throw part three up for review there before I submit it here.
Cheers,
ThatOneBrony
The only complaint I have is it seems like the love came on too fast, you should have slowed it down and let it come on gradually instead of making it seem like they already have feelings for each other.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I'm really enjoying it, and even that I'm enjoying somewhat so no worries. Looking forward to the next installment.
This is cute! I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes. I'm a big fan of this pairing.
ReplyDeleteMOAR
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteDon't go getting the wrong idea here. I'm no furry. Or would they call that a scaly if it was reptile fetish? I have no idea.
I just find Spike to be the funniest character in the show. While LOLRANDOM humor from Pinkie is fine every once in awhile, I prefer Spike's more dry humor. Just preference.
I liked this third part. Can't wait for the next ones! :D
ReplyDeletehere we go for chapter three
ReplyDeletefirst of all, this chapter is probably the perfect length, keep you interested without reaching tedious levels.
one thing though, as i said before your narration is really good. your dialogue could use a bit of a boost,i think you need to have the character interact with eachother more, such an example:
"She must have cleaned herself up, Spike thought as he noticed the bow in her mane."
could have been handled as dialogue instead, and the reaction could've established more for both characters. or when braeburn took them around town, it was a good opportunity for character developement.
(/nitpicking "“My friend Apple Bloom,” he gestured to her, “and I"
In this situation it should have been:
"“My friend Apple Bloom and I,” he gestured to her,are here to get a batch of Appleoosan apples" it doesn't break the flow of the conversation that way. /nitpicking)
all in all i can see you made some very nice progress and i hope to hear from you soon!
still 4 outta 5
Equestrian Critic out
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't finish the third part. The characters are off just enough that I couldn't focus on the story.
ReplyDeleteFor example, Apple Bloom gives up and let's Spike pack her bag. Apple Bloom's whole character is focused around her independence and self-reliance as a "big pony", she wouldn't accept help that easily. Also, Spike is way too bland. Where's his ego? His petty insults? Spike's an eccentric character, and we see that when he crushes on Rarity. You gotta portray thin in your spike.
Don't get me wrong; I like the story and it's direction, and I think Apple Bloom/Spike is adorable, but it feels like I'm only getting 1~2 dimensions out of 3-dimensional characters.
</Simon>
Hey, everyone. Sorry I've slacked off on this. I'll finish part 4, and maybe 5 if I find the time, but no guarantees.
ReplyDeleteSorry if this pisses anyone off. I've just been really busy lately. Confound real life, it seperates me from ponies.
This thing has been on part 3 for like months now and I've been waiting to see how it plays out ;_;
ReplyDeleteWaiting for a new chapter for a fanfic you like...
ReplyDeletefeelsbadman.jpg
Mer... I want part 4... :'(
ReplyDeleteHell's goin' on?
ReplyDeleteIt's been like two years since the last update
Y U NO WRITE MOAR PONI?!
ReplyDeletelol no more updates?
ReplyDeletePlease let there be more! Pleaspleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteNot exactly subtle.
ReplyDeleteMoar.
ReplyDeleteMoar Plz
ReplyDeleteWe need to find the author and force him to make more! :D
ReplyDeleteSolid plan!
awww this story is so precious!
ReplyDeleteApple Bloom is best pony. :3