Author: Kitsune.Tales
Description: When it comes to solving problems with reason, there are few ponies as talented as Twilight Sparkle. However, when two of her best friends reveal their feelings for her on a very special pony holiday, will Twilight's reason be enough to decide which pony she loves?Thermodynamics of Love
32 kommentaari:
WHAT A TWEEST.
VastaKustutaI thought it was pretty cute and well written. 5 stars to ya brony.
the author's name irks me INTENSELY
VastaKustutai mean, come on
entropy is always a hot topic.
VastaKustuta/gets shot
Gotta say, wasn't expecting that ending.
VastaKustutaBut a good story none the less, and I liked how you portrayed Twilight. She's never even given a thought to being in love so it is very unlikely she would be able to answer right away and she would stress over it greatly.
I was expecting Fluttershy.
VastaKustutaWas pleasantly surprised.
Gets 4 out of 5 because the writing wasn't great and I'm not a huge fan of AJ/Twi or Rarity/Twi.
Good story, great plot twist at the end.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaOh God, I can't agree with you enough
I like the first half, but you build up all this tension which gets resolved completely out of nowhere by a 3rd option. Just seems like a copout to me.
VastaKustutaTWIST OF THE CENTURY?
VastaKustutaI do believe so, M. Night.
I liked it, but the third option could have benefited from some clever foreshadowing. it did kind of feel like it was just to be a resolution that made everypony happy. Now a third option wasn't the problem, it just felt like it wasn't well woven into the story like it could have been.
VastaKustutaVery well-done. The writing is simple and straightforward, but word choice and clear understanding of the writing's structure make it obvious that the author has great literary talent and put effort into the story. Depiction of the characters is excellent, and faithful enough that their romantic feelings seem natural in most cases, which is, frankly, very uncommon in shipping fics.
VastaKustutaThe one problem this story has is its twist ending. Now, I'm not against the idea of Twilight and Zecora together, mind, but despite the hurried blurb Twilight gives to her friends for why she would feel that way, there's really not much emotional cause for a romantic interest between her and Zecora.
And what makes this truly distracting for the reader is 2 things: First, that you are obviously capable of far better, because you've made Rarity's interest in Twilight Sparkle feasible and sweet, you've portrayed Applejack's affections in a way that's positively heartwarming in their straightforward, genuine simplicity, and even your quick glance at Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie is satisfactory and appealing, because you're building off of emotional chemistry that the show's history backs up (primarily Griffon the Brush-Off) to supplement your short (but well-stated) explanation of why they make a good couple. So to have all these well-written and well-considered examples of pony romance already present in your story just makes the sudden, inexorable pairing of Twilight and Zecora, where you have nothing to offer but a very short and unconvincing reasons spouted by Twilight and no emotional background provided by the show whatsoever, very out of tune with the rest of the story.
And the second reason this is a real problem for the reader is that Twilight/Zecora is THE climax of your story, your big twist, the pivotal event of the fic. It's the weak point of this story, and you're shining a spotlight on it for us all to see.
You could have had a very admirable ending to this fic had you instead allowed your writing's virtues to direct Twilight toward either Rarity or Applejack, or even just nopony at all. But a twist was a bad idea for a story that's otherwise well-planned and executed with a skillful pace, and having that twist be one with so little foundation was disastrous.
I give this story 4 Stars still, because, I'd like to emphasize again, it is, for the most part, exceptional. But if you'd gone with a real ending instead of gambling on a twist ending, it would probably have been 5 Stars.
My
VastaKustutaFace
When
Zecora
>.>
VastaKustutas/Zecora/Luna/g
<.<
VastaKustutas/Zecora/Luna/g
(since SOMEONE likes deleting posts :o)
I guess I'm the only one that likes Luna
VastaKustuta*shakes hamfist at Sethisto*
Zecora is a twist?
VastaKustutaI was crossing my fingers and praying it wasn't Luna; that would have been left of field. Celestia I could see, Fluttershy makes sense, Big Mac is a long shot, the Mule...
But we've seen her go out of her way to hang out with Zecora, so not a huge long shot.
I'm torn between 4 and 5 stars. The story is fun and nice, but the end is too swift and it's not that gripping.
An overall positive experiance, though an epilogue about the conversation between Twilight and Pinkie would be nice, or an alternate where Twilight fails would be fun.
"I'm in love with Zecora!"
VastaKustuta...
......
*closes tab*
^ I'm with Anonymous. Zecora? Seriously? When I read that the whole story collapsed. I didn't bother reading the rest. Now, I don't have a problem with Zecora. Some foreshadowing or at least a nod or mention beforehand that Twilight was either considering someone else or at least /thinking/ about Zecora or something. You can replace Zecora with any other pony and it really wouldn't affect the story up until that point. In honesty, it could have done without the twist really. The triangle aspect between AJ/Rarity/Twilight was written in such a way that having it end with some lame twist kinda killed it.
VastaKustutaBlog Brony:
I would suggest you add the [Random] tag to this.
@Anonymous i like Luna
VastaKustuta3 stars from me. Would have gotten 4 if it weren't for the completely-from-nowhere twist ending. Having Twilight be interested in neither pony would have been more satisfying than such a sudden shift in the narrative.
VastaKustutaIf the fic has featured Zecora, even at least once, it wouldn't feel like such a cop out.
Thank you, everyone, for your excellent critiques--especially RPGenius. In retrospect, I do agree that I could have done a better job working the twist ending into something that would have been plausible (such as Twilight looking for a mental escape and seeking advice/relaxing tea from Zecora). Thanks to all of your feedback, I will work towards improving my conflict resolution skills as well as conclusion pacing.
VastaKustutaI don't know when I'll be able to pick up writing again since the spring quarter of medical school is in full swing, but if I can find time, I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my next story!
No bad, but not great either. The whole, "I love Zecora," thing is very disjointing and doesn't feel right. Not that I have anything against Twilight/Zecora, it just feels every tacked on and doesn't flow well with the rest of the story.
VastaKustutaThis was very well written, and I really liked where this was going, but the whole Zecora thing, as others have said, did seem to come out of left field, and it diminished the ending for me. Still, a good story overall.
VastaKustutaOn the first page:
VastaKustuta//[...], but she also noted older couples enjoying a day without the foals, [...]//
Doesn't this kind of give away what is happening, what with her acknowleding that it is older couples without their foals? I mean sure, the reader is probably aware of it at this point but Twilight ain't, and is it not a generalisation of her thoughts we are reading here?
On page three:
//“Alright! It’s a date then,” Twilight said happily before she trotted off towards the edge of the market.”
Rarity sighed. For being so well read, Twilight sometimes didn’t have the best of word choice considering the situation.//
I get that Rarity is looking for a date date, and that it is rather ironic that Twilight choose the word date to describe the event, but I don't get Rarity here.
It implies that Twilight chose the wrong word ("date") for their meeting (which she does NOT know is a date date) and that she did so DESPITE being well-read. However, being well-read does not provide a better chance of choosing the right wording when one does not realize what one is describing.
Not sure how else I can put down my take on this...
On page four:
//, “ya’ll more than just a friend to me.” Twilight began to get nervous. She had a good idea what was going to come next.//
How does she manage to be this genre savvy? Either this is a plot hole, the scene moves to fast, or Trollight Sparkle just had me.
Also gonna mention her rushing to read up on Rarity's odd behaviour (page 3). I get the running joke of her using books to solve her problems but what I don't get is why she's so distressed/concerned. Nothing in the scene with Rarity indicate that Twilight noticed something odd... beyond Rarity acting odd, which she sort of just shruggs off.
On page six:
//An Anthropologist’s Understanding of Romance//
Anthropology refers to the study of humans.
I may be mixing up latin and greek here but sine this is ponies (Equus ferus caballus) should it not be something like "Caballusology"?
//Twilight focused most of her studying on the first two stages of romance. From her memory, she knew that the later three stages of the romance were well beyond what Rarity and Applejack were experiencing.//
So wait, she's already realized that Rarity got a crush on her? For being socially akward she picks up on these things pretty fast, not to mention that there were no indications she knew. Actually there were indications to the contrary, since she seemed to be simply confused by by her talk with Rarity.
This may just be my personal preference for having Twilight being awkwardorkable though, and to be honest, I'm asocial and still manage to pick up on social cues like those presented here.
On page ten:
//Yes, but, if she was going to succeed, she needed to look fabulous, and she’ll need to find something that would make Twilight just as fabulous as her.//
Switches from past to present tense and back here.
On page twelve:
//Twilight buried her face into the pillow. This was just like the Galloping Gala all over again, except this time she was the ticket!//
First, it's called the "Great Galloping Gala". Second, you're referring to the episode (nr 3, "Ticket Master", to be exact) with the tickets and not the Gala at the end of the season here itself , correct?
~D tbc
On page thirteen:
VastaKustutaIt may just be because I'm a private person but Twilight seem overly accepting of PP and RD intruding on her personal life here.
Also, I smell an aesop somewhere ahead.
*reads on*
//I think she may have been trying to ask me out tonight.//
Am I the only one who gets the impression that the writer wasn't entirely sure how certain Twilight was on Rarity's intentions throughout this?
She started crying? You know, normally I'd write this off as a girl thing and move on but this is fudging My Little Ponies! Not Barbie or Bratz or some other frillygirlycrbrstrcrpfckng*grumble*- MOVING ON:
//“I-I’ve tried everything! Everything…. That I could think of. I’ve looked in books. I’ve made lists. I even tried to figure out which pony would suit me better… but… but….”//
You know, there's socially awkward, and then there's just plain dumb, and to top it off she's cr-NO! Not going there!
Why do I get the feeling that this is the work of a socially adept person trying to see things from a socially awkward and "logical" person's point of view...
Btw: The lesson you force through Rainbow here is cheaper than a back-alley joint and about as enlightening.
On the second half of page fourteen:
If "awkward" is the feeling you were going for then a "gz" is in order..
APPIFANY: Did you write this using "Look before you sleep" as inspiration?
Am I the only one who finds Rarity's choice of dress creepy?
On page fifteen:
//Heckfire, she even [...]//
*googles term*
I don't think you can use it like that..
//tough patootie//
*goes to urbandictionary.com*
... wuh.
On page nineteen:
//“I’m in love with Zecora!”//
Thank you! Now I can write this off as a parody, get myself a shot of bailey, study a bit for tomorrow, maybe even post this rant before bed :D
*reads on*- ah bugger.
In the end:
/rage-on (just ignore)
The ending was wayy too sappy. It's a little too much of a coincidence that Zeroca just HAPPENS to be into fillies (along with every other bloody mare in the mane cast) and she just HAPPENS to return Twilights feelings. Seriously she crashes at Twilights place right after being confessed to? Not just after the first date, but RIGHT AFTER BEING CONFESSED TO!? There's a word for that me thinks >.>
This is the kind of little-girl-fantasy-ending that makes me long for a good ol' greek tragedy.
This may just be me, but I would have preferred that Twilight was merely in her bi-curious phase and turned out to be straight by the end. I really don't like the way that instant-plot-wrap-up of a romance was shoe-horned into the story to patch it up to avoid picking one ship over the other (and somehow you still managed to do just that along with letting down the... Twicora, by not building up to or expanding on it).
/rage-off
I'm not sure how I feel about fillie/fillie relationships being so openly accepted in this fic. It kind of sucks out the drama that usually follows "forbidden love" and feels like some sort of wish-fulfillment. Though I could be wrong and you just wanted a certain flow for your story : \
The dialogue is really off and can be a bit forced at times. I wouldn't be able to recognize the ponies on the way they talk here. They all just feel out of character.
Your general writing style is nice though.
In conclusion, you really shouldn't mind me; it's late and I'm just talking out of my patootie here.
Night!
McRamen ~D
The guy that wrote
VastaKustuta"I'm in love with Zecora!"
...
......
*closes tab*
Your a fucking Legend! XD
-D4SHTH3R4INB0W
The hell? I thought it was Fluttershy.
VastaKustutaWow.
I applaude the way Rarity was portrayed in a rather subtle manga-manner, such as her sneezing when being talked about, but most notably her "Ojou-sama laugh" and how her mannerism was sometimes spruced up.
VastaKustutaI'm against most lesbian shipping on ED, but I HAVE to admit, this is wonderful. I love it. I really thought the twist at the end was awesome. Twilight X Zecora...
VastaKustutaIlikewherethisisgoing.jpeg
Wow. I was laughing at the social awkwardness the whole way through and though, as others have pointed out, Zecora being Twilights choice of heart was a bit... Interesting? (<- Euphemism :P) I still really liked it. 5 Stars.
VastaKustuta5 stars but I have a problem with this story, weres fluttershy!! Lol jk amazing job
VastaKustutaWhos picture is it? I cant recognize the signature – Jacfar or Jalfar. Anyone knows who is the artist? Does he have website or deviantart acc?
VastaKustuta