Art by: Feline Gal
Author: Hawksyu
Description: Rainbow Dash finally confesses her love. (based off an image included in the docs file)Google Docs
Rejection
Rejection Part 2
Rejection Part 3
Rejection Epilogue (New!)
FF.net (All Links)
Rejection
Additional Tags: Ponies have issues with love
75 comments:
:O
ReplyDeleteThanks for uploading it!
Hey Hawkysu! Always nice to see new writers getting into the fandom. Allow me to post some constructive criticism, if you will!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you have a lot of potential. This story is not bad - but it can stand to be better (like all works!). I feel like there is no emotional impact when Rainbow comes out to AJ, because the scene happens VERY quickly. It would have more weight if it sort of lingered in the air - letting AJ sort of soak in what Rainbow said.
Also, this is a VERY minor complaint, but you should try and avoid writing accents as much as you can. More often than not they simply come off as annoying to read, rather than adding any additional character. Words like "ain't" are alright, but "Ai'm" sounds a little goofy.
I hope this doesn't discourage you from writing, the only way you can get better is to write and write! I look forward to seeing more from you, you have lots of potential.
It's a good start, but you CAN'T just leave it like that!
ReplyDeleteSort of taking these past two comments by Poultron and Pacce and using them to make a sandwich, I would say that this story needs more... well, just more. There's a definite charm to it, and it's a very clever idea to work that image into the body of the text like that.
ReplyDeleteBuuuuuut... the confession itself lacks much in the way of punch, not because your writing is poor (it isn't), but because there's so much to take in so quickly. It would help you to expand the scene - lengthen the buildup to Dash's confession, make her really struggle with it. Let us feel the trembling of her heart. Give a bit more for AJ as well, a pause, a long stare, an attempt at a smile that doesn't quite convey the sympathy it wants to.
And of course, you mustn't end the narrative here. Whatever happens in the end, whatever sorts of feelings you want to invoke, there's much more of this story to be told. Keep at it!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey guys!
ReplyDeleteReply feature bugging out for me, so I'll just paste here:
Thanks for the comments! And trust me Poultron, nothing can turn me off writing. (And it was a pain to try to make sure the accent was right).
And I won't leave the story here. This was just because that picture left a void in my soul.
And thanks for the tips guys. I'm not so good at this romantic stuff.
I like the story precisely because it didn't work out for Dash, sometimes it just doesn't. in reality everyone has probably gotten shot down at least once, so we can all feel for her. At least you know AJ will still be her friend and would never see her as a "freak".
ReplyDeleteThere is someone out for you Dash I am sure!
I have to agree... with everybody, on this one.
ReplyDeleteHere are some things you can do to improve this:
1. "ai"? Last time I checked, Applejack was Southern, not Asian. I'm from Alabama, so I know what it sounds like. "Ah" Seems to be a better fit for her.
2. There was an estimated 3 seconds between the question and the rejection. There is no emotional suspense here. The feel you went for here is fantastic, but, because there WAS no suspense, it pretty much ruined it.
3. Way too short. Seems like you typed this up in a matter of minutes. Almost NO grammar errors, though. Bravo.
I would honestly recommend going back and rewriting the whole damn thing. Just do it over. Aim for about 1200 words. Put some time and effort into it. Make sure Sethisto keeps the old one too. I'd love to see how you'd improve.
Your potential here to be an author for the EqD is astronomical. I see a great future ahead of you.
Gave it 3 stars. I finished the fic in 1.4 minutes. Too. Short.
It seems a bit out of character for Applejack to just go right back to work after crushing her friend like that; and merely resolve to check in with her later... you know, to make sure she didn't off herself or something in the interim.
ReplyDeleteStick with Pinkie, Dash. Only she understands you. :P
You made Dash cry! Nooooooooo! But maybe now the OTP PinkieDash will appear! Seriously, great start & I hope this isn't the end.
ReplyDeleteThis needs a sequel where Dash is really afraid to tell Pinkie about her feelings, she doesn't want to go through rejection again.
ReplyDeleteAND THEN THEY KISSED
@Roy G. Biv
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
I like the way you guys think. :P
Well, other then the fact that its really short, I still really liked it.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the story itself was pretty good, its really impressive since it sounds like this is your first one, Its a lot better then I can do. I'm sure you'll be a great writer =)
I feel urged to comment because this has only been out for about 10 minutes, and yet I need to begin waiting for a part 3.
ReplyDeleteDamn, gonna be much to long
Poor Dash
ReplyDeleteL.A. Should be interesting.
ReplyDeleteGreat work, can't wait for part 3.
Harmony does need to pay, yes. I say someone sics whatever demon was impersonating Pinkie from 'Cupcakes' on her.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the story goes, it feels a bit like we missed out on a Part 1.5 somewhere, there. At the end of Part 1, Applejack was barely concerned at all; but at the beginning of Part 2 she's galloping around and Rainbow has already "run away".
Poor Rainbow ;'(
ReplyDeleteIt's turning out to be a really interestingly written story. I like it, save for one thing that I've been a bit nitpicky about in a few other Dash fics.
ReplyDeleteDash seems like the last pony who'd run away from her problems. She's forceful and direct; running away just doesn't strike me as a character trait of hers, even for something like this. Though she has shown to be capable of becoming a quivering mass of 'OMGWHYME!?', she's never really run from something.
@RefractedPegasus
ReplyDeleteActually, that isn't really a part of her character I have a hard time believing. We don't know much about Rainbow's past, and the arrogant/forecful/brash front could easily be a layer of protection for a personality that's much more sensitive than we might give her credit for.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOh, I agree! I agree wholeheartedly, But sensitivity =/= running away from her friends.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteLemme rephrase. I DO like this story. I just think that writers need to think of other ways of getting across Rainbow's hidden sensitivity than making her run from her friends. She represents the spirit of loyalty, and I think that's easily forgotten.
She wasn't running away from her friends as much as still dealing with a lot of torment from her past; stuff it sounds like she's never really worked through fully before.
ReplyDeleteGiven that Harmony is in LA, and that's where Rainbow decided to go to start over (probably without actually knowing Harmony is there) it seems likely that she'll now get the chance to work out those past issues before returning to Ponyville once again. It seems likely Harmony regrets what she did, as well (since few bullies remain as cruel into adulthood as there were in their youth).
The extent what Harmony did to Rainbow almost makes it seem like she might be a fillyfooler, herself; but ashamed of it, which is why she did what she did to Rainbow. Anything that deflects people's suspicions from her.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteIt does make more sense when you put it that way.
Hello again Hawksyu. This post is probably going to end up being really fucking long because I want to talk about both chapters again, seeing as you re-did the first one.
ReplyDeleteRejection is a much, much better story now. There is a good amount of build-up to the confession, and there's a tension in the air as we wait for AJ's response. I still feel like AJ is acting a little out of character here, as was mentioned before, simply letting Rainbow fly off. But, overall, the story is just MUCH more interesting to read.
Avoidance is a really interesting read, there's tons of character development here and it's actually pretty well-done. The situations seem realistic, and definitely let the reader feel what Dash is feeling. You also managed to get a good twist in there, something I genuinely didn't expect, so hats off for that.
However, I must say that I really dislike how out of character Fluttershy seems to be acting. You seem to touch upon this ("She wasn’t the breaking-into-your-friend’s-house type of pony."), but unfortunately that isn't a good enough excuse for Fluttershy to go around breaking down doors and fucking shit up inside Rainbow's house. Plus, I honestly feel like it goes on just a little too long for the two plot elements that actually matter here - that Rainbow isn't there, and the picture. Having to endure an out-of-character Fluttershy for this long is bad enough.
This might be a minor complaint, but why don't the ponies react at all to a picture of Rainbow Dash making out with another girl? Even assuming that Applejack told them what happened, they seem awfully calm about the fact that Rainbow Dash is making out with what I presume is a celebrity.
Finally, typos, because apparently you don't proofread your stuff which is something you ought to start doing considering how long this list is:
“Thanks,” AJ swung her head down to snag **snag** the personalized bags.
Twilight just blinked. She was pretty sure this was the most AJ had ever said in one **breathe**. (ought to be breath)
It wasn’t really [it] that hurt. (I presume there is a missing word here.)
The rainbows formed **hide** under a thin layer of cloud, creating a ‘dark rainbow.’ (Hid?)
I think there might be a couple of other ones, too. Remember to always give your stories at LEAST one pass to check for obvious typos and grammatical errors. You might even consider reading the story out loud to yourself, or giving it to a friend to read - they'll catch errors you missed 9 times out of 10.
Also, sheesh that WAS really long, sorry.
TL;DR I really can't wait for the next part, lots of good set-up here for what sounds like a really interesting pay-off.
ReplyDeleteThe plot thickens...
ReplyDeleteReply feature still buggy:
ReplyDelete@ Poultron:
Oh my god! Thanks! I felt like something was wrong when I submitted it, but I was too tired and too lazy to go through and proofread.
I will go through and edit those while I'm waiting for steam for finish downloading. (Just be happy you didn't see the hand written version).
And yea I have some plot/consistency errors. There _should_ have been less Fluttershy being snoopy and more everyone going: "OMG! Famous Poni!"
My excuse is: I was on a plane when I wrote the ending.
It's a sucky excuse.
Anyways, thank you. I'm actually rather embarassed that I missed catching those when I typed it up.
@Hawkysu
ReplyDeleteWell I don't care where you write the next bit, as long as I get to see how it ends. Thanks for reading through my wall of text.
Great 2nd part, and as much as I can't wait for the next part, I would like you to take your time. You made an outstanding setup with this story, and it would break my heart if the sequel was a rushed piece of mediocracy.
ReplyDeleteIf you pull off a good 3rd part, this story might become my favorite MLP story ever.
So yeah...great story brony
holy shit this is awesomesauce
ReplyDeleteI am monitoring this fic. The potential for awesome is great.
ReplyDeleteOh for the love of-
ReplyDeleteThis.
It just had to be the first fic of MLP I ever picked out to read, I enjoyed what's there, but nothing more to it? ;A; so sad bro!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteActually, just sent in the third part to BlogPony less than an hour ago. And it's about twice as long as the first part :D
And for people that have read the third part: I'm working on a prologue and epilogue, but do ya'll really want it? I kind of cut it off where I did for a reason (which is, I thought that last line would be a pretty decent end).
@hawkysu
ReplyDeletethis is amazing why wouldn't we want an epilogue and prologue.
its one of the best(and least shippy) ships i have read.
Kudos, liked it very much
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThere can't be a single Dash rejection story without someone suggesting this, can there?
@hawkysu
ReplyDelete10,000 times yes. Please supply a epilogue post-haste.
Prologue... Depends, there's alot of things that happened before this story, and while most have been cleared up in flash back, I still feel bad for Harmony at this point, comparatively.
Also, rapists need jail time. And surprise secret but fun.
I do think the pacing is really random; sure nice flashbacks and such, but it jumps around a whole lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it's not done, but wahtever.
3rd part was good, but I was hoping for something better. At the end of part 2, I thought Rainbow Dash went to L.A. because of Harmony, to face old demons and such. Instead it's a total coincidence that she sees her.
ReplyDeleteSo was kinda hoping for a face-off, but alas.
Maybe the epilogue?
>Rainbow Dash dates her boss
ReplyDeleteuh...
>then he plants his lips on Dash's
at this point, I was about to say "NOPE" and stop reading.
but I read it.
I guess this isn't the last chapter, if it is, it's really weak.
And I'm already seeing three possible endings.
One, Harmony wants Dash, but Dash rejects her
Two, AJ decides to give RD a chance.
Three, FRIENDSHIP!
The story was very good in the beginning but you went too far with the attempted rape. That is just too out of place. I can suspend all disbelief for your story but the second that happened you pulled me out of the story and ruined it. It no longer felt like a MLP shipping fanfic but like L&O:SVU.
ReplyDelete@ダニエル!3z7RcGCAqE
ReplyDeleteIn the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Los Arabias, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. :P
But actually, I admit that I'm not a big fan of that part either. As I was writing it, I felt, well, creepy. But I also had pretty much nothing.
And it was a little forced. Forced writing is bad writing. Still, glad you liked the good part. Sucks I lost ya at the end.
@Hawkysu
ReplyDeleteYou could always rewrite it, the last part I mean. Or you could replace the ponies with real people and BOOM! you have a good story. IDK I'll just make up my own ending for now. Hey keep up the good work I will be more than willing to read anymore stories you have to offer, consider me a fan. ^.^
Working on the last bits. Gonna be a while before I upload though.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just wanted to say:
I was watching Angel the other day and I realized that Harmony the pegasus is definitely based on Harmony the vampire (however subconsciously). So anyone who thought that, you are correct.
I was sorta' hoping that she would have used a pineapple at that end part, instead of the saw.
ReplyDeletewhaaa dash ends with nopony? hmm still greatly enjyed every part. just feel like harmony and dashie still have some talkin to do
ReplyDeleteI felt a little tiny bit sorry for Harmony...
ReplyDelete[although she's a bitch]
The epilogue was good, made in an interesting way. The Past-Present wasn't confusing for me.
ReplyDeleteThe idea in the end with Pinky Pie... Bad Idea, massively. Really.
It sticks to the end of your story like an ugly wart... Would be infinitely much better -without- it.
eh... all I can say is "meh"
ReplyDeleteCupcakes, so sweet and tasty!
ReplyDeleteCupcakes, don't be too hasty!
... Anyways thee Epilogue wraps the story up nicely. While I would have like to see Harmony get a happy ending, it wouldn't have fit the rest of the story at all. Dash spent five years hating the girl for dragging her out of the closet, after having to drag herself out of denial to start with, that's a huge pile of emotional damage one apology and a broken limb can't fix.
There was no chance for that kind of happy ending, so an ending where Celestia approves of her, while gaining the approval of her friends, while her first crush tries to make things up to her, while a potential(?) rapist gets cupcaked is Okay with me! (You can't convince me that isn't repeatable behavior, he knew what he was doing)
Some people will be offended, but that's why I love this fandom. There's so much cross-genre contamination, such wonderful ideas are proposed.
Hehe, excellent way to end the story. Good story, though it came off as more of a normal story than a ship. That's probably just me, though.
ReplyDeleteWait, so why is it worse that RBD's dad left to be with a unicorn?
ReplyDeleteI couldn't enjoy this story.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say it, but this is one of the stories I have to rate two stars, and I've only done that for like 3-4 I think. Guess it's 4-5 now.
A few reasons, and to me they are overbearing:
First, the narrative style. Confusing. I had to look at the timeline at the end. Once I looked at it, everything felt clear and made the story make perfect sense and I appreciated it more. You shouldn't have to hand that to me on a platter for me to understand; it should be in the writing. It should be clearer and defined as you're writing. If you want some help with timeline-jumps and ship writing in general, I heavily recommend HiddenBrony, who's written Hop, Skip, and a Jump, and First Date so far. Not just because I like his writing and we talk a lot, but he does generally keep a good pacing while doing a time-jump near the end of every fic, and keeps it going very well. It's not as much as your story, but that's just how it is. I can't say I like it unless you do firm, real flash-backs. Not just quick quips, unless between each quip, the specific incident in the flashback somehow influences/is-part-of what is happening to Dash RIGHT THEN.
Writing wise, it feels horribly rushed and fast-paced. The former is normally bad for writing (at least there's very few typos though, and you paragraph for every speaker, thank the lord), and it couples and makes the latter worse I think. If you find some stories by High-Fructose Porn Syrup, you'll see he uses breaks VERY often, but his action doesn't always happen as fast as dialog, and he sets the scene well enough between every break so that the scene is imagined almost as distinctly as a movie scene, even if it's only half a page of two paragraphs. His Zecora story I think is a good example of this.
The characters themselves felt really out of line to me. Not the rape scene; that was fine (real-world grittiness is fine with me). It felt the worst with Rainbow Dash, and even Celestia at the end, for her five lines she had or something. I think RD would have done most of what you had her do, but her dialog and overall bitterness about the whole thing once she returned seemed way too strong to me. Also, I don't see any of the main six being swearers, and switching letters like that just makes it not remotely funny, and not remotely serious. If you had just used lighter terms with the same meaning, that entire confrontational scene would have been better. Hell, the entire reveal at the end seems oddly out of place, actually (the unicorn comment seemed unneeded unless it was something established as bad).
Overall, I think the plot was realistic enough, but it fell face-first in execution. I'm sorry if this seems like rambling, but they're things that have bothered me over the entire course of this fiction. It started off okay and went pretty oddly from there on out. Two stars I guess.
@3:46 Anon:
ReplyDeleteI'm going to avoid explicits and just say:
Two horns.
@9Nine9
ReplyDelete>I have to rate two stars, and I've only done that for like 3-4 I think. Guess it's 4-5 now.
-1 person voting 2stars. ->check the score, 4Stars -> Meh? Needed to say it, because?
>First, the narrative style. Confusing. I had to look at the timeline at the end. Once I looked at it, everything felt clear...
-Confusing timeline? Had to check the file, you say? ...Odd, I had no problem when reading?
I guess I'm just too Pinky Pie, since I was able to guess which event came when and after or before... (EX: ) RD in school:THINK it's the past, let me check ;)
Seriously, It was quite easy to figure out what and when things were happening. Maybe it's just me?
@nova_25I said it because I generously rate 4-5 and when I don't, I feel really guilty about it. Mostly because I wanted the story to be good.
ReplyDeleteObviously that happened in the past, obviously harmony "was a bitch" during school, etc etc. Maybe it's just I' not remembering the entire story and I should have to re-read it again to give it a fair shake.
But that I think speaks to an issue itself as well; this story WAS NOT memorable at all to me. I read Chasing Rainbows as... basically, one of my first fictions back in February, or maybe just after it was released, I totally forgot. And I remembered every single event clearly with no rereads, and it made reading Catching Rainbows a fun read. This story left no impact on me at all as I've been reading it's updates.
Hell, one issue might be the lack of ability to visualize scenes. We got some setting description when RD arrives at a new location, but it feels very unsubstantial and unspecific, or something. It was just LACKING overall I think, and was a fine enough idea. It just needs more of... everything, more character interaction, more setting description, more emotional damage or build up... it's lackluster right now.
I don't mean to be offensive; I always feel bad criticizing I think is bad. I just... augh, sorry, whatever. FOUR STARS IT IS LOVED IT SEEMS.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteBut why does that matter that he's a unicorn? It was already stated that he was a stallion...
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThink ''Real-life''.
Same sex is 1 Taboo. Different ''races'' is another one.
@nova_25
ReplyDeleteReally? Then why did it take applejack a bit to understand?
“Harmony, when I was five, my father left to be with another stallion. To make it worse, it was a unicorn-”
“How does that make it wor-oh!” AJ interrupted with sudden realization.
It still doesn't seem to make much sense...
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete>Then why did it take applejack a bit to understand?
>How does that make it wor-oh!” AJ interrupted with sudden realization
>>interrupted with sudden realization
>>>sudden realization
>>>>sudden
-Seems to me that you quoted against what you said yourself ?
-''sudden'' kinda imply it was in a ''relative'' short amount of time, see... ;)
>doesn't seem to make much sense
-Funny, Reality tends to make sense to me.
Same sex taboo: guy-guy and girl-girl. Easy to see.
Different 'races' taboo: black and white people, back last century, is the easiest example.
After that, if you still confused, then there's NOTHING on Earth that anyone can do...
*ignores,ahem,discussionbetweennovandtriple9duetolackofenergy*
ReplyDeleteAt Anon: Yea, it was a bad joke, that I sorta stole from somepony else. The joke is: A unicorn's horn could also act like an, erm, "bagawk." What worse than a stallion dating a stallion? A stallion dating a stallion with two "thingymajigs."
or what Nova said, because that makes me sound deeper and RD's mother sound even worse
ReplyDelete@Triple9:
ReplyDeleteI'm not offended in the least. You had a valid reason to give my story a low star rating. I mean, it's much preferable to get higher ratings, but if you didn't like it, you didn't like it. I am sad to say that I haven't read that much HPS, but HiddenBrony is definitely an idol of sorts.
The issue you bring up about visualization is actually my fault, but it's intentional. One thing I despise is when writers either a) go on rants about the details of something or b) ruin the image in my head by replacing it with their own. Detail is important, without it stories would suck, but it's just not my style. I prefer that everyone who reads the story imagined the events a little differently. Which is why I left certain things unclear, like what Harm's mane and tail look like, or her cutie mark.
As for pacing, it's something I have trouble with partly because of the reason above. I didn't want the story to seem too fast, but I didn't want it to drag on. Unfortunately, my compromise left the story with arbitrary pacing and sheisse.
I'll be sure to look at stories by HB and HPS for assistance on these issues. (I'm choosing to disregard your other complaints :P)
I hope that didn't come off as too defensive. I actually appreciate the comments. It's much better than someone who justs says: "meh" and gives no more information (I'm looking at you anon D:<)
And at Nova: Thanks for the defense. And regarding your first comment, I almost pulled the ending, but I wanted something conclusive and kinda silly to end on. Besides, it's much preferable to writing an entire sequel to cupcakes, which I feel a need to do. (because I am a sick person)
Omg this story was awesometastic.... The ending was perfect with the confrontation and Pinkie's "thing"
ReplyDeleteYay! Applejack's straight!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely jumps around a lot, and how exactly was Celestia being incognito? That's like saying no one noticed the pink tank parked on the sidewalk.
ReplyDeleteOh well. I'm a serious RD fanboy so I still enjoyed the story. I also liked the end. hehe
a ship fic that doesn't play out like a fantasy in full happy-ending-forever-mode?! I, good sir, most certainly approve
ReplyDeletealso best use of a cupcakes reference EVERRRRR!
Comments tl;dr.
ReplyDelete(Part 2, page 1)
"Twillight just blinked." She blinked? Applejack just burst through her front door, rambling, and claiming that Rainbow is queer AND that she confessed to her... and she just blinks?
Some kind of reaction would have been nice.
"and she seemed real offended by it for some reason"
"She was real hurt for some reason."
Okay, first of all she did just state that it "musta been real hard on her seein’ as we’re old friends and both girls, and I said no".
Second, how can she be so confused about it? While AJ isn't my favorite pony I still think she's a lot more sensible/-tive than that.
Third: Vary the terms a bit more. Reading "for some reason" once was enough.
Now I can understand that AJ's confusion over RD's reaction is needed to provide some drive for a plot point (discovering about RD's past), It just seem forced.
(Part 2, page 4)
I can't imagine Fluttershy say, or even think, the word "whatever". She seems like a pony who would never be derogatory about her friends; even if it's just Derpy and even if it's just in her own head.
I may buy into that Fluttershy would give into pressure from a friend and snoop on another friend but... that friend being AJ is stretching it. Especially when she ALREADY KNOW what's going on! Why the snoopin'? You broke her heart you silly cow, just put 2 and 2 together.
(Part 2, page 5)
/Pet peeve-on
"skip showers"
... uh, why? They're already naked most of the time anyway. They afraid to drop the soap or something? Do ponies even have showers?
/Pet peeve-off
"Fluttershy kicked the pile away instinctively."
The most she'd do would be to reel back.
"Fluttershy snapped out of her unwanted daydream."
... and what kind of daydream may that have been? Seriously, I'd like it if you filled us in on these things because I truly have no idea what you wanted to bring across with that sentence... and if you didn't want to tell us anything with it then why did you put it there in the first place?
You need to make the transition between scenes more obvious. A couple o' spaces and some symbols at the very least. I found myself wondering how Pinky Pie got up into RD's cloud home, and why Fluttershy wasn't questioning how :|
/continued: ~D
ReplyDelete(Part 3, page 5)
Okey, the whole conversation challenged my suspension of disbelieve but when we got to "Pinkiemobile" I just groaned. That is something you'd find in a parody, not a shipping drama.
I see what you're trying to pull with Harmony by first introducing her as a face-heel turn bff libby and then building her up as a more complex character later. It just doesn't work very well when you try to make her a sympathetic character. She needs depth before we can sympathize with her, and at this point we (read: I) still think of her as a one-dimensional bad guy. An archtype that one is not meant to sympathize with (normally).
(Part 3, page 6)
You know, RD really comes off as a big jerk in this story. Maybe it's because I can't relate to her rather tragic foalhood, but dissing and forgetting about her friends that easily really doesn't fit with a show called Friendship is Magic.
(part 3, page 9)
/quote-start
"Come in, just drying off.” She hit the button to unlock the gate. She quickly patted herself dry and then shook out her mane.
“I wasn’t expecting to get this wet. You sure know how to get a colt ready,” he said from the door, winking.
Dash glared at him, but smiled softly. “Let’s go, I wanna beat the crowd.”
/quote-end
1) This whole part moves way too quickly.
2) It should probably be "but then smiled softly".
3) The hay he just say? I don't get it and ain't so sure I want to.
This may be a personal preference but I'd like it if you wrote "oh well". "Awwell" reads really weird to me.
(part 3, page 11)
"Hey, AJ"
No. Just, no. This broke the straw, this had me flailing my arms, this is NOT the reaction she should have.
I mean seriously. Memories of a terrible foalhood are swimming in her head, she's almost taken against her will, she stands face to face with the friend and crush she dissed just like that, and then she's like "oh, hi~".
Does. Not. Compute.
The colt has no character. When he tries to take Dash the reader just sits with a dull acknowledgement of what's happening. There's none of the shock or anguish that Dash must feel at that point. We're not worried about her either as we know all her friends are right behind them.
One more thing:
“Fluttershy! Quick! Follow ‘em.”
Asking Fluttershy to go after them? Why her? That Pony doesn't even like flying, much less as part of a high-speed chase scene. Also, why did Aj call out to her? Is it just because she's a pegasus? It doesn't make sense and has no bearing on plot. I half-expected Fluttershy to be the one to save RD (which could have then gone in a lot of different directions) but then it's AJ who shows up. What.
I'd like to know why you wrote that line. Unless you wanted to imply that Fluttershy tracked them down it doesn't make a lot of sense to have it, and if that is the reason then it would help to have a bit of exposition afterwards.
/continued: ~D
ReplyDeleteIn conclusion:
On the whole this didn't have a lot of heart in it.
I'd like to know what inspired you to write this because it doesn't have that well thought out a plot. Instead of focusing on anything in particular you just throw plot points at the reader:
RD's crush on AJ.
Her tragic foalhood and Harmony's betrayal.
Her flight (npi) to LA (srsly?) and her friends bringing her back.
That unnamed, uncharacterized filliedecker of a colt.
I have no idea which one is the over arching plotline I am supposed to be invested in. None of them are fleshed out that well nor are any of them resolved in a satisfactionary way.
You don't really peg the ponies' characters as well as you could have. Most of the time they don't say the right things nor have the right attitudes, and they never have the right reactions.
Next time you write something like this, have a pony-marathon first. Then, whenever you write some thought or dialogue, try and imagine that pony saying/thinking it. It IS possible to write in-character slash/drama.
While on the subject of your future endeavours I would suggest trying a vastly different genre (drama seems to cramp your style). Try a Western starring Braeburn, or a C.I.A.-style city thriller set in Manehattan.
Thoughts after reading the epilogue:
*removes hooves from face*
Well, at least it cleared up what the plot was about and tied up some loose ends.
Rainbow is still a jerk, I really miss me some exposition, there's little emotion to be found, everything is forgiven and forgotten a little too easy, random swears clog up the story and... wtfdijr?!
To sum up, it reads more like a parody than a serious take on shipping.
If any of the above come off as overly harsh don't mind me. This is strictly opinion.
gl;hf,
McRamen ~D
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWow, that was... wow. I don't have time to write out a full response right now, but I do wanna say thanks. This was my first Fanfic in two years, and I definitely needed help (just be happy you didn't see the original first chapter).
Anyways, I'll take everything you said into consideration. I have trouble writing in character, which is why I stick with OCs. But it's something I need to learn.
Also, it started out a parody, but then I tried being serious (which I simply cannot do) and it ended up falling half-way in between serious drama, and sillyfic.
Anyways, thanks for the comments, I'll be sure to take your advice
1. Is good. I approve.
ReplyDelete2. Yaaaaaaay Pinkie!
Omg WTF was with the epilogue ending, everyone already read cupcakes, we all anticipate a cupcakes moment, but it's awsome lol good job
ReplyDeleteOh my god that picture... Its its an AWHU reference!!!!
ReplyDelete＼(^o^)／