• Story: A Night at the Bar

    by
    [Shipping] Appledash?  I guess you guys can win sometimes... pinkiedash forever.Written by Siraj
    Description: Applejack is trying to drown her sorrows in playing, singing and, well, alcohol, when a certain blue pegasus shows up
    A Night At The Bar
    Monday, March 14, 2011 op
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    12 comments:

    1. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 2:18 PM

      You put applebloom instead of applejack in the labels

      ReplyDelete
    2. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 2:20 PM

      dawww

      ReplyDelete
    3. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 2:23 PM

      Silly Sethisto, everyone knows TwiDash is where it's at.

      This was a nice story, if a bit short. My only problem with it was that the narration probably shouldn't have applejack's speaking style. Even when narrating about her thoughts, if it's in the third person, it should probably be in a neutral tone. Nice job, though!

      ReplyDelete
    4. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 2:36 PM

      > pinkiedash forever

      quite

      ReplyDelete
    5. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 2:50 PM

      @Anonymous

      Yeah, sorry about the weird narration. Like I told Sethisto, I haven't done any writing of even minor length in YEARS. I'm hoping this will get me back on the applecart in terms of my old abilities.

      ReplyDelete
    6. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 2:58 PM

      This is -fantastic!- Short but ever so sweet. Stories like these are the only kinda stories I can bring myself to read. Some kind of euphoric sense comes over me, like my heart's been touched with warmth and ecstasy.

      And boy, do I like it. Doesn't get in way of judgement though! And this is a great example of 'big stuff in small packages'

      ReplyDelete
    7. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 4:59 PM

      @Anonymous

      THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS

      ReplyDelete
    8. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 8:01 PM

      Dash x EVERYPONY is the best imo.

      ReplyDelete
    9. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 8:51 PM

      >pinkiedash forever
      >nope.png

      ReplyDelete
    10. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 10:07 PM

      @Anonymous

      While I do not entirely agree with the idea that third person narration should always be in the neutral tone (3rd persona omniscient v. limited and psychic distance, look it up pal), I have to agree I was a bit thrown off by the tone of the narration. No, actually, for the most part it was okay, just this one part, the third sentence in the second paragraph, is what bugs me--the use of all the contractions here makes it seem like it's supposed to be first person and, since it's more conversational than any of the other non-dialogue or thought lines, it seems incredibly incongruous. I think if you made this into an actual thought AJ is having it'd sound a lot better.

      Lessee, what else...oh yeah, with the actual dialogue, you need to let it stand on its own. Try to avoid using adverbs and such to describe the character's speech unless entirely necessary. For example, you don't have to say that Dash whispered "questioningly" when we clearly see she's asking a question or that Dash was "mimicking [Applejack's] own manner of speech" when it's obvious from the actual words.

      ReplyDelete
    11. AnonymousMarch 15, 2011 at 3:44 PM

      @Anonymous

      Like I said, I'm terribly rusty. I'll likely be fixing it up this week at some point.

      ReplyDelete
    12. Ebon ManeMarch 16, 2011 at 7:54 AM

      Manly tears

      ReplyDelete

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