Description: Twilight Sparkle, a new recruit in the Equestrian Army, is sent off to war. There, she meets her new squad and faces the horrors that these ponies face everyday. Together, they deal with death and destruction in a time of chaos.MLP Vietnam
16 comments:
War...
ReplyDeleteWar never changes.
Even with ponies.
Well, just read it, and it wasn't bad. The author could use some more precise diction to get his point across, and some more background into the already deceased characters can help the audience identify with Rainbow Dash. Albeit, this will most likely be cleared up in the later parts. Also, as a side note, I would suggest doing some definitive research into both war history and terms. As a rule of thumb, Sergeants and officers rarely comfort the privates, so some of the conversations do not fit too well into the setting you have established. Also, radio officers almost never leave the sergeants side, as any information they would have only matters in the commanders hands, so Spike would not really be second in command per-se, unless he was already second in rank, and even then he would never leave the Sergeants side (unless he was an artillery coordinate or stationary base commo officer, but I doubt it from the description you gave of both him and the attack squad).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sorry for tearing up your story, it was in fact good, and I'm just trying to help make it better. I liked how you took inspiration from the pictures, and I am looking forward to how you implement actual battle into the writing. Good luck!
Friendship...
ReplyDeleteFriendship never changes.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@quesoesbueno59
ReplyDeleteYeah, like I said, I was kinda being a little hard on you. Besides the loose diction (of which we both agree on), I think the only thing I would change that would not effect your story would be the syntax of the conversations. For example, when talking to a superior officer, I notice a definitive lack of SIR and SIR YES SIR (or the pony equivalent). This may fall under your "military jargon", but use of quick and choppy syntax when talking gives the voice an air of both seriousness and ferocity, which would be a good juxtaposition to when the privates are talking over the meal. You did use choppy sentences, but exaggerating it can be useful. Also, going back to the sir thing, don't be afraid to use caps lock for a few parts. It is very difficult to scream through text, and caps lock seems to be the preferred method to do so.
Now, onto a more specific, and slightly more opinionated part; your use of description. Personally, I felt that your imagery suffered from a distinct lack of existence beyond a simple sentence. Your diction and syntax are a little weak, but will assuredly get better over the rest of the story. Unfortunately, as it currently stand I cannot say the same about your imagery (I'm sorry). I don't want to sound mean, I REALLY don't want to, but you need to give more scenery. In order to have the audience feel like a part of the world, the world must exist on a scale of detail they can understand. now, for a war story such as this, I would advise not going overboard with flowery and over-complex descriptions, but have them there.
For example:
"Twilight Sparkle opened her eyes. The officer who barked the order should have known that it’s much too loud for any sort of sleep in this helicopter."
is nice, but what if you put the reader in Twilights place...
"Twilight Sparkle opened her eyes at the sound of her commanders voice, barely audible over the constant din of the whirring helicopter blades. That officer should have known it was much too loud to sleep, his frantic screaming only helping to confirm this fact."
I'm not a writer, so my example is not great, but it's a start. Another thing you can do is focus on a lack of description, such as writing from the perspective of twilight as she moves through the camp, never able to properly identify what she was seeing:
"As she was lead through the camp, Twilight soon lost any sense of direction amongst the lines and lines of identical tents. Wandering around the camp, she hoped desperately to find the squad leader amidst the throngs of armed ponies inside the maze."
again, not a writer, but you hopefully get my drift.
That's all I have to say for now, and I REALLY hope I didn't come off as mean; the last thing I want to do is be the reason somepony stopped writing. Also, if anypony has some better examples than mine that they'd like to share, please do. Anyway, sorry to sound mean, and I hope you continue writing!
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ReplyDeleteAs it seems that my comments are not uploading, even after waiting for about an hour, I will try once again. Here is a link to my response to quesoesbueno59:
ReplyDeletehttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgkC_Lrrm_UUG37sHv52EChvoda7K045FQV07Ub5rlw/edit?authkey=CISoiIIJ&hl=en#
lets try this one more time...
methinks given rainbowdash's reputation, her dealing with the death of pinkie pie, and the historically high use of drugs in Vietnam that maybe "sarge" should have a bit of an addiction.
ReplyDeleteWould make it grittier. Just felt to clean and sterile for a war, even if it where a pony one.
I liked it nonetheless and look forward to the next chappter
@FightingFire
ReplyDeletethey were all spamfiltered, i wish I could turn that off.
@Sethisto
ReplyDeleteEh, whatever, I got through eventually!
Take that spamfilter! HA!
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ReplyDeleteGreat read, looking forward to the rest of it.
ReplyDeleteSo... did this die?
ReplyDeleteForeverDead.gif?
ReplyDeleteForeverDead.gif
Google Doc won't work. Help?
ReplyDelete