Author: Black Murder Heavangelon
Description: Between any two ponies in PonyVille, none are more distant than the farmer stallion and rainbow maned pegasus. But after recent events have played out, the two ponies are about to get closer as Dash takes it upon herself to get to know Macintosh better. But as she further involves herself in the business of the farmer, she soon learns that there's more to Big Macintosh than he lets on, and that he has more to hide than a few extra words.His Name Is Mac
His Name Is Mac Part 2
His Name Is Mac Part 3 (New!)
83 comments:
Yes, I just now read this story and reviewed it on Fanfiction.net. It's really good, in my opinion, and a definite nice break from all this femmeslash stuff that people have been taking a little too far lately.
ReplyDeleteAh wahnt moar
ReplyDeleteCan I assume there is more to this?
ReplyDeleteI quite liked it! Good writing, very descriptive!
I do have one complaint though. You REALLY dragged out Rainbow's 'thinking' scene. I was about to tear my hair out by the end of it.
Too much writing, not enough story. When do they meet?
ReplyDeleteZOMG great writing. You captured Dash! I can't wait to find out what the incident was.
ReplyDeleteI had a very difficult time wading through this. The word choice was odd, the sentence structure was overcomplicated nearly to the point of being unclear. One notable offender on that front:
ReplyDelete"It was one thing to have much difficulty putting her brain to work into concentrating on the memory of the stallion the girls were talking about, but it was another thing entirely listening to the frustrating talk of snooty mares like themselves to make that task all the more difficult."
That's one sentence. It really, really shouldn't be. I know what you mean to say, but you're saying it in one of the least effective ways possible.
The whole fic is full of big words for the sake of big words. If you're using a thesaurus to write, stop. If you're not using a thesaurus, grab one so you can figure out some more natural word choices. There are 100,000 google results for "misfortunate". There are 40,000,000 google results for "unfortunate". Words seen more often will usually feel more natural; you should really have a very compelling reason to use the former rather than the later, and I didn't see it.
I wanted to stop reading after the first few paragraphs, but I stuck it out because the reviews here were so positive; I expected there to be a payoff. There was no payoff. You took 3500 words to tell me "Chicks dig Big Macintosh and I'm going to ship him with Rainbow Dash"
Kurt Vonnegut put forth some rules for short stories that I really like. He said that great authors often break every rule on the list except the first, and the number one on that list is:
1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
After finishing your story, I feel like I wasted a lot of my time.
I don't like writing reviews like this. I try to be nicer in reviews to new writers, but you have 28 stories up on ff.net. You should know better. I'm writing this review because I know a positive review about what you did correctly will not make you a better writer. This might. I'm sorry for how harsh I'm being; I feel that it's necessary.
This was great, keep it coming. I didn't find the writing clunky at all- it was a good prologue. I await the next part.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with ebon mane - there's a good story in there, but all I can assume is that it was supposed to be a character piece more than a story. This is fine in itself, but this particular character piece has a LOT of "purple prose" which made it difficult to read.
ReplyDeleteThe TL;DR version of this post is "you need an editor more than a review, try paring down the paragraphs and shortening the sentences. Grammatically correct doesn't mean it's readable."
If it makes you feel better, I'm only being harsh because I think you're better than that :)
What Ebon Mane and Midnight said. There's a reeaally promising story somewhere under all this purple prose. I've never seen any other fic that paired Dash and Mac, so you have uniqueness going for you. Now you just need to do some trimming.
ReplyDeleteRainbow Dash...not with another female?
ReplyDeleteBlasphemy! Heresy!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMadness?
This!
Is!
EQUESTRIA!
Looks to be a promising story. Can't wait for the next part.
ReplyDeleteSheesh. Ebon Mane seems a little on edge. Quite a judgemental way to go about the first chapter of an ongoing story. Especially when I don't see much difference with the first chapter of her/his femmeslash story.
ReplyDeletePeople are just being weird because this one's a straight Rainbowdash shipping fic. It's the internet. People are weird about these things.
ReplyDeleteComing back and reading my first comment, I realize I might've sounded harder than I meant to sound. I am really super excited for the next chapter, I really want to see where this story goes. The characterization for Dash seems pretty good, I could easily imagine her getting frustrated with getting stuck listening to a conversation like that. Also, I can't think of any time when she and Mac actually interacted on-screen, so the idea she doesn't know who he is seems somewhat reasonable.
ReplyDeleteLong analysis is looong.
@Ryan
ReplyDeleteWhich story? I've written more than one, but I don't recall any where it took 3500 words for the characters to learn each others' names. If I've written sentences as awkward and poorly worded as the ones in this fic, please point them out to me; I'd like to improve my writing.
And I'm not attacking it for being a straight pairing. I like straight pairings, I've written straight pairings, I'll write more straight pairings in the future. The genders of the characters in a pairing do not matter to me.
@Ryan
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say Ebon is on edge really.
He/She makes a good point in that the author takes way too long to get to the point. Like I said in my post, the latter half of the fic began to frustrate me as a reader.
"hee hee that red stallion is so sexy"
"hmmmmmmm who are they talking about?"
"hes so big!"
"I wonder who they are talking about"
'repeat this 5 times'
It got pretty damn annoying. It's still a good fic to me though, but different readers have different preferences.
How is this not labeled grimdark?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOops, disregard that, it was supposed to go to Payback for Insolence. I posted in the wrong tab, like a 'tard.
I really enjoy RainbowMac, but I suggest the author follow the advise of the posters above for improvement.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I greatly look forward to more!
The text really suffers from major case of gobbledygook and dragging along like others have said before me. But nevertheless I did enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteRainbow/Mac doesn't really work for me, personally.
ReplyDeleteI really, really like the pairing. If, as others have expressed, the awkward writing style were improved...this would be great. ^o^
ReplyDeleteWell. Despite what the others have been saying. I don't really think it was a waste of time. I thought of it as like you were trying to make it as realistic and believable as possible. This is a great introduction to a hopefully great story and I'm looking forward to another part =)
ReplyDeleteI really like how this is written, and the pacing. There were a few times, i agree ("an obscurely large horse collar") that didn't quite make sense, but overall it's my fav ship fic.
ReplyDeleteHOLY SHIT RAINBOW SURE LOVES FUCKING BLINKING.
ReplyDeleteNo really. There are a ton of other ways to show a character's expression other thank blinking.
Other than that it was pretty good.
It was an enjoyable read, but you kind of implied that Big Mac already has a crush on Rainbow Dash as well, which is kind of a bad idea. Really no conflict or room for Dash to prove herself.
ReplyDelete"That's great! Tell him I summoned 'im for me, would ya?" she asked.
ReplyDeleteThat line struck me as odd. It just doesn't seem like something Applejack would say. The whole sentence is kinda weird to say too.
Other than that, I liked it.
This chapter was MUCH better than the first one! The language used was less convoluted, and combined with actual advancement in the plot resulted in significantly better pacing. The story itself still seems promising, and I really liked how you portrayed Dash and Mac reacting to each other. I wouldn't call it "love at first sight", but the attraction is still obviously there.
ReplyDeleteAnd so, I can't wait to read the next chapter! :D
gah, can't wait for next chapter!!!
ReplyDelete"Rainbow Dash wasn't originally going to say anything, but after the question, she considered it. However, she decided to disregard it as she didn't feel like saying anything here."
ReplyDelete"Even here, ponies and yearlings were frolicking around in life in a random assort here and there."
Also, I lol'd heartily at 60 pounds (Gasp!) being presented as some sort of ridiculous load. My bipedal, nerdy self has taken more on 15 kilometer hikes over hilly terrain.
This is ranging into so bad it's good territory.
sigh, i want to like this story, i really do, the premise is good... but it just draaaaags oooooooon with needless descriptions over every detail.
ReplyDeleteYeah okay. So it occured to me that sixty pounds is a little light. I have a pretty poor perception of scales so you'll have to forgive me for that.
ReplyDeleteI'm embarrassed to say the least, but I'm glad for the comment...sort of.
I appreciate the rest of the comments, though. I aim to please and better myself with your critiques. :)
i wouldn't worry about the weight. they are after all, my "little" ponies. Most stories talk about them being only three foot high at the shoulder, at least that's my impression. And if thats true then sixty pounds would be about right for them.
ReplyDeleteA pony three feet high at the shoulder would match six foot tall human by body mass, and be able to carry a heavier load. They are, after all, quadropeds; their length is a better comparison to our height, and they're better able to handle heavy loads.
ReplyDeleteSoo....then My Little Ponies are housecat-sized?
ReplyDeletePart two! Hee!
ReplyDeleteSwooning Rainbow Dash made me d'aaw.
Hah! I loved part two. The part at the restaurant made me genuinely laugh!
ReplyDeleteAnd I really liked how you ended it. You basically presented us with in infinite amount of possibilities as to what happens next.
I really love this story and I can't wait to read the next part!
This is a very cute and quality story. Thanks for the read!
I'm sure you're busy with real life stuff and this is going to be ridiculously annoying, but I have to vent somewhere and this is the best place for it. Don't be irked:
ReplyDelete"When's the next part coming, come on come on come on come oooooooono! I want to see what happens next, when are you going to post it? Hurry up hurry up!"
Ahem. Thank you.
Dat jealous AJ.
ReplyDeleteI really like where this is going
Jealous of who, I wonder?
ReplyDeleteI really hope that AJ has some good motivation for this, because I haven't seen it yet.
I like part 3 much, much more than the other two, it's written much better. Anxiously awaiting more installments.
ReplyDeleteWhat they said.
ReplyDeleteHaha. Much better than 1 and 2.
Author needs to put out moar. F
Don't rush it though
I liked Rainbow Dash and Mac actually interacting in chapter 3, but I think Applejack is being a bit out of character. She's a hardass, but she isn't THAT much of a hardass. Just seeing the way she treated Bloomberg in the most recent episode shows that she has a tender side.
ReplyDeleteRD spraining her ankle seems like a bit of a nonissue.
ReplyDelete@Bobcat
ReplyDeleteOh, I don't know. Sometimes family members can be a little abrasive when somebody starts flirting. The stereotype is the overprotective father or the jealous child of a single parent. (I'm guilty of that one, lol)
I could understand that Applejack noticing her brother's sudden change in behavior and seeing that it had interfered with the farm work on top of that might make her a little agressive. Knowing this fandom it'll probably be more likely that she's jealous of Big Mac for Rainbow's affections, but that's almost a cop out IMHO. We'll see how it goes.
Thanks for the upload, Black Murder!
I'm loving this story. I just love the way it is written and the dialogue seems very believable for the most part. Part 3 is the best so far. Can't wait for the rest!
ReplyDeleteHuh...
ReplyDeleteI like it so far: it's great, but...
Wow. I find it kind of jarring just how fast Applejack went "you can't see him."
Didn't even try to give either of them a talk about not distracting him from business, just at the first sign of anything, after a single incident she said "nope."
Particularly since she's the one who practically put the challenge out that Dash wouldn't be able to get to him. It feels more like she's trying to get Mac away from dating than just trying to keep the business running smoothly.
Right now, what I kinda want to see happen next the most, is Mac standing up for himself against Applejack.
@Ebon Mane
ReplyDeleteYour being overcritical
I've really enjoyed the story so far, the first part did feel like it dragged on a bit too long, but I guess i'm just a sucker for hairline detail.
This was an enjoyable read. I hope there is more to come.
ReplyDelete@OP
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story a lot! I'm not one to wade through long stories, but this was worth it. The mental imagery and descriptiveness was appreciated and I really felt like I was inside Rainbow Dash's head. I also love the interaction between Big Mac and RD, it's very cute.
[SPOILER] in the most recent chapter, Applejack is a total bitch. inb4 cat fight
Latest episode (21) make me wonder, even though big Mac is the biggest and strongest stallion in Ponyville, but in fact the 4 engineers are able to pull a full set of train, and impressively fight back a herd of Bisons without slowing down or even derailed, the front most stallion, Promontory, able to hit one of the Bison until he was stunned.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't tell me about dem ponies at Appleloosa, they were tough and able to fight back the whole tribe of Bisons.
PLEASE don't let it end like this.
ReplyDeleteBeen checking this page almost everyday just to see if you updated it. As the person above said, PLEASE don't let it end like this.
ReplyDeleteAuthor here.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea people were still following this story. I'm flattered.
I must admit. I'm going a little crazy for some BigMacxRainbowDash ever since I started this story, and I've been searching the internet for more of this ship, with little success.
I assure you all, I will complete this story as soon as I can. I won't let this story die.
I will admit, I'm having a little trouble producing the third chapter. Been trying to attain momentum for it as well as my inspiration. It'll take me a little longer to get some writing fluid in motion. But when I get it, I'll get to writing, and the sooner I'll update.
Thank you all for being loyal readers. I'm glad to have fans like you. :D
Dear Author: I reeeeeeeeeeally like this story, and am glad for your continued work but:
ReplyDeleteHURRY THE FUCK UP. Just don't rush. BUT HURRY UP. No need to sacrifice quality! BUT YOU'RE TAKING TOO DAMN LONG!
Love- your friendly neigborhood Vagabond, Vopogon
You're killing me, please I beg of you finish this! <3
ReplyDeleteI WILL pester the shit out of you until this gets updated
ReplyDeleteFuck all of you. I just read this story, an I love how elegant the writing was. You're all morons. This story is great.
ReplyDeleteI love this story, I can't wait for part 4!
ReplyDeleteman. Its been a really long time and I just wanted to say that I love your story and I've been following it since it was posted on here. I just wanted to let ya now that I'm still waiting for the 4th part.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget about us!
Will this ever be updated? :(
ReplyDeleteI really want more.
i loved this story and have been waiting for an update since forever! don't leave us hanging!
ReplyDeletewhaat sill no update D; c'moon make more please its a good fic.
ReplyDelete*The mane 6 reads this fanfic using twilight's laptop through the internet.*
ReplyDelete-Applejack: What the hay?! Fer' serious? Ah'm not that pushy!
-Twilight: daaaaawwwwww.... I think this is sweet... why doesn't rainbow dash have a relationship like this?
-Pinkie pie: if this is true, I will have to throw a PARTY!! with rainbow dash's and big mac's cutie mark all over the place! And the will be cake and cupcakes....
-Rarity: You simply must date Big Macintosh dahling! you simply must! Its like the most lovely romance novel the world will ever witness!
-Fluttershy: I think its cute.... I mean if nobody doesn't like it.... or rainbow dash approves...
-Rainbowdash: Girls? Seriously? Me? dating Big Mac? and applejack, its your brother! Wouldn't that just be.... I don't know.... wrong? Did all fillies here lose their minds?!
come on! I want moar and I want it now!
ReplyDelete.......WELL i guess its safe to say.....this story is dead
ReplyDeleteNot dead. I'm just distracted, 'tis all.
ReplyDeleteBeen busy with another story. I've been known to procrastinate as well, but I KNOW I'll be updating this story soon.
Hopefully...
@Black M
ReplyDeletemmmm well i hope you finish it or at least make a 4th part i really want to know what happens next
wtf, I've been waiting for like a month now dude.
ReplyDeleteThe author's been busy with another fanfic but he's almost done with it.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as he's done with it, I'll start pressuring him to work on this.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAs I read, I felt like those mares back in chapter 1. I was giggling more than a guy inhaling laughing gas once it got to Rainbow Dash wondering who they were talking. I have to say, Macindash, THE BEST colt/filly pairing I've seen yet! ...Even though this is the first one I've read a story of. ^^;
ReplyDeleteI love the story, love the coupling. I cannot wait for the next chapter! XD 5/5
Hell I don't take this long to do a chapter! Hurry up with good story!
ReplyDeleteNext chapter please
ReplyDeleteWhere is the next chapter? PLEASE don't tell me that this great fic isn't going to be finished! D:
ReplyDeletePlease sir............
ReplyDeletemay we have some more
Can I just say that although some people complain about how it drags on apparently meaningless details, that's what I find the most interesting in most stories. Anyone can write most of the ship fics I've read minus a select few; but the background story and rambling add to the story. It shows that the author put real thought into it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the complaints about sentence structure, I didn't really notice it but that might just be that I can read just about anything and understand it completely.
... Is this fic EVER going to update, because SERIOUSLY... It's at least common courtesy to let your readers know if you aren't going to continue writing the story. So if you DO intend to continue, then let us know! Otherwise, Trevor is DONE waiting for this fic to update! (And Trevor enjoyed the fic, which makes it all the more disappointing if you're done.)
ReplyDelete~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
Moar dammit.
ReplyDeleteWhen the new chapter is goin' to be posted?
ReplyDeleteim in suspense D:
yayz rainbow dash is going to fight apple jack next chapter
ReplyDeleteRAINBOW DASH IS LESBIAN DEAL WITH IT!
ReplyDeleteTHIS FIC IS PATHETIC