Description: A terrible disease is spreading through ponyville! Can our heroine find the cause before she is infected too?The Disease
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44 kommentaari:
What happened here?
VastaKustutaTwilight lost her mind...as usual. I loled a bit.
VastaKustutalol, poor Pinkie & Dash.
VastaKustuta1st person perspective and massive obfuscation of details make my head spin. Wanted to like it, but wasn't sure what exactly I was reading, which left a very sour taste in my mouth.
VastaKustutaIn the future, please value clarity over "The Reveal". It helps people make it farther into the story.
Ah, I see...
VastaKustutaDerpy can be quite the voyeur. I prefer the transcendant type Derpy, though. The one who can make it rain up like some Elder god.
what did I just read?
VastaKustutaI liked it. Perspective shift is unusual, but well done I think. And I must confess, I knew who the protagonist was at "the librarian" ^^
VastaKustutaDerpy trying to cure love with the power of Muffins... she didn't succeed, but it's still hilarious.
VastaKustutaThat was really confusing lol.
VastaKustutaThe perspective shifts were a tad confusing at first, but once you get it figured out, it's a really funny story. Nice job!
VastaKustutaThe photos spread around the town must be embrassing vor Rainbow Dash >:]
VastaKustutaFrom the state of that bakery, it sounds like Pinkie and Dash are really enthusiastic. :P
VastaKustutaat first I thought it was twilight trying to cure pony AIDS or something.
VastaKustutathen it turns out that it was actually derpy... mistaking sex for an act of violence, and thinking some sort of strange disease was causing it.
that was pretty dang confusing, not gonna lie. too much emphasis on the twist, to the point that the rest was massively confusing.
Confusing
VastaKustuta7/10 becuase this was the first fic that actually made me have to think
It took me a long time before I realized the blue unicorn was Trixie XD
VastaKustutaSo is Derpy being Derpy and there was no disease, or was Derpy being Derpy and there really was a disease?
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThere was no disease, lol; it was just her mistaking sex for people being "attacked".
Author here. Sorry for the confusion but I wanted to give you a piece of Derpy's mind.
VastaKustutaWhat did you think was the most confusing?
1. Writing style: Perspective shifts, non-chronological parts.
2. Not knowing who the protagonist was (I changed some parts to make it not too obvious oops?).
3. The disconnect between Derpy's apparently ability for logical reasoning and communication and everyone's reactions to her (and her 'usual' self in other stories).
(What derpy thinks she says: "Well, that's elementary my dear Watson!"
What everyone hears: "Muffins from the moon!")
4. Everything. COMBINED.
I think part 1 was probably what might've confused the most people. I have to admit, after the first 2 paragraphcs or so I found myself going back to re-read from the beginning to make sure I was taking it all in in the right order, lol.
VastaKustutaI realized what the basic style was meant to be, however, and figured it would work itself up to a reveal so I kept reading and the premise gradually became clear. I actually rather enjoyed it, to be honest.
I do have to ask, though, who was the Unicorn boning Twilight supposed to be, lol?
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThe anon above got it. Trixie.
BEST. FIC. EVER.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaLOL, ah, thanks for the clarification. I couldn't tell if it was a guy or girl she was with, but I thought it may've been Pierce (that balloon popping Unicorn from Call of the Cutie).
If there's a part 2, I hope Dash works through her embarrassment and goes back to Pinkie.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThe issue that I was having largely included your perspective shifts and jumps, and the liberal use of 1st-person perspective in a story that didn't quite call for it.
Large portions of the text seemed to be written with the express purpose of keeping as much detail as possible hidden from the reader, probably in the hopes that it could all be sprung on them at the end. And while there is a certain degree to which this can work, generally it's risky. As you've seen.
I love the general concept, though. You know what might work for this story? If the whole thing was handled from Derpy's singular perspective in the style of one of those Noir detective journals. That way you can keep things moving chronologically and offer the insights of her "keen deductive mind". Now the story is feeding the reader information instead of hiding it, piece by piece as though it was unlocking a puzzle... and then it all comes tumbling out in the end that no, this is "that" Derpy.
Wouldn't blame you if that sounds like too much work, but that could easily be a 5-star piece.
The story isn't very technically proficient. However, it IS good at being subtle when it needs to be, and gradually becoming painstakingly obvious (for the humor of it). Also, loved the metamessage.
VastaKustutaOh my
VastaKustutathis was awesome.
So that's what goes through derpy's mind.
Yeah, I agree with some of the others. Great idea, execution was... off, to say the least.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThere won't be a part 2, but I did feel really bad for what I did to Fluttershy, Rainbow, and Pinkie.
So I made a bonus ending. WARNING: You will probably be disturbed by what you read. I don't recommend it. Imagine it has [Clopclopclop] tags all over.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wlosxrUf4pwPcamE_6NWZ0rnHYcoTlBMeViHaoi4FPw/edit?hl=en&authkey=CL-Jq-YG
nah, not too disturbing. I've done something like that before myself, lol... with a human, of course, LOL.
VastaKustutaAnd now, the story is complete.
Silly Depry.
VastaKustutathat not how u cure homoitis!
I honestly think that the 1st person is what works for this the most!
VastaKustutaI had a pretty good idea what was going on at first, just by the tags. The 'twist' or 'reveal' wasn't what the character thought was the mystery, but rather, who it was who was telling the mystery.
At first, I thought Twilight. Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness the primary reason behind my logic in that.
After that was obviously disproven, comments on candy and bakeing made me think Pinky, and then THAT was proven wrong.
This was something I found absolutely wonderful, thank you :)
BEST. DISEASE. EVER!
VastaKustuta@Sethisto
VastaKustuta>I think you can guess where that is going
LIES
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaOh, BonBon.
And that wasn't even close to what I was expecting, the way you made it sound like a super-cloppy kinda thing.
Very nice.
VastaKustutaI got flashback to pinkie talking about pony zombies and I thought,
"Oh my god, trixie's eating twilight,"
then my brain froze and went back over that thought and I choked on my drink.
@Sandman
VastaKustutaOhhh myyyy...
@Anonymous
VastaKustuta/George Takei voice
FOR THE LOVE OF PONIES MAKE THE BONUS ENDING AND THE BONUS BONUS PART A STORY.
VastaKustutaOkay, that got quite a laugh out of me. Silly Derpy, you so crazy. But that's why we all love her so much.
VastaKustutaFunny story. Only complaint is that it was confusing as to who was who through most of the story. At first I thought it was in Twilight's perspective.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaLate to the party, sorry.
1 was my main source of confusion.
You didn't signal shifts in chronology and setting very clearly, and shifting from first person to third person made it harder to follow. It got past me that "the mare" and "I" were the same person until I was a good ways in.
That said, I enjoyed this. Ambitious attempt at an interwoven timeline/flashback story, fun premise.
My suggestions, if you want 'em are:
-Signal change in timeline consistently. Establish a convention that the reader can recognize. If you choose to use POV to differentiate, tweak it so that "I [something]" and "The mare [something]" jumps right out at the beginning of each shift. Don't bury it.
-Telegraph the first shift VERY obviously. The passive transition at the end: "The latest of many attempts..." lost me. Something more active might have clued me in better: "The mare winced as she recalled..." Also, leading into the first time-and-POV shift with dialog hurts your chance of cementing the idea that POV change = time change. Smack the reader around with THIS IS THE SAME PERSON AT AN EARLIER POINT IN TIME. This transition is where you clue the reader in to the shifts, and this is especially important if you want to be secretive about your main's identity.
I'd enjoy seeing a new draft of this. I think you've got a clever premise going here. Whether you revise it or not... Thanks! Fun ride!
Well, this was delightfully funny. :)
VastaKustutaIt's kind of funny, but honestly, it's way too confusing. I had literally no idea what was going on for the first half of the story.
VastaKustuta.-.
VastaKustutaDear author-pony-person
VastaKustutaWhy did you give Derpy a speech impediment?
While reading it I loved the great plot. When finished I was sad it was over. I loved how the pony misunderstood ykw and was fighting to solve the "mystery". I thought all the other ponies were just too shy/awkward to talk to her about it (and imagined in the end that when someone would talk to her she wouldn't believe them), but then you go and ruin everything George Lucas style, and tell us that Derpy just can't speak properly.
That's. Just. Stupid. ("Muffins from the moon!".. really?)
I think it's sad that you go and force this element on the plot when it doesn't need it.
Now, I could just let your comment above slide and enjoy the story through my own interpretation... if it wasn't for that single little paragraph by the end:
//I cried in triumph! “Ha ha ha! You're too late! I've already done it! With one turn of this valve, the entire town will be cured!”
“... We'll listen to all you have to say about muffins later, Derpy, but for now please get away from that thing!”//
When I first read that part I didn't get it at all, why did Twillight talk about muffins?
It is, however, perfectly explained by your comment about Derpy being orally impaired.
The problem is that if that had read something like:
//“... Derpy, we'll talk this all over and explain everything to you, but for now please get away from that thing!”//
You wouldn't need to have that poor pony be handicapped!
Just because her eyes are crossed doesn't mean her wires are.
You
are a terrible
pony.
Afterwords:
I'm sure you're a perfectly good person but I really needed to get this rant off my chest. Even though the fic is tagged as Random I just can't forgive when some of the random ruins a perfectly good story. I hope you understand and continue writing.
Peace out.