This was spawned from an interview on /co/ involving Colgate and OPPP (Over protective parent pony for those that don't know). You can find that HERE
Description: Story about how Berry Punch's (Over Protective Parent Pony) family becomes whole. Inspired by /co/ thread.Colgate Interview
26 comments:
Very nice =3, I liked how it was told by ruby ^^
ReplyDeleteI really liked it. concept was great and the perspective was perfect for the story. Definitely room for improvement but it's not like I'll go nitpicking over it.
ReplyDeleteEh... it wasn't bad, but something about the conversations felt... robotic? Emotionless?
ReplyDelete"Mom. I want you to find true love."
"Okay. I will do it for you. Go to school now."
"Okay."
Like I said. Not bad... just a little mediocre with the conversations.
Is this about something totally not connected to the show? Because I don't get any of the names in this.
ReplyDeleteThis one felt sort of rushed, like it could have been a much longer story. The dialogue also didn't feel quite natural.
ReplyDeleteStill, the author looks very promising. Keep writing and keep reading.
This made me d'awwwwww powerfully.
ReplyDeleteWell done! It takes some effort to make secondary characters so emotionally effective.
I look forward to more stories from you!
Butterscotch
@Cottonmouth
ReplyDeleteI definitely see what you mean, but it was a little difficult making some conversations since we've never heard their voices or know what their personalities are like. I just thought something simple would drive the point home a bit more.
@Adrian Brony
ReplyDeleteIf you have any suggestions I'd be happy to hear them. I want to do my best to improve and give you guys great stories.
Yea anon its not really connected with the show since they're just side characters we make inferences about.
Also other Anon, I kind of feel that way to, but I wanted to try the lesson I learned from my last story of "less is more" looks like I still gotta find that median.
Finally colgate :D
ReplyDelete@Vanderblast
ReplyDeleteWell it's been said before, dialog is kind of wooden, and if you were going about minimalism, you went about it the wrong way. The story as a whole was pretty rough feeling like it was just run through a spellchecker instead of fully proofread, and there was not a good balance of dialog and narrative. As is the story could be much better if it were done in drafts instead of one pass then submit.
I'd suggest you let it sit for a few days, then read it, perhaps with a friend to help you proofread, and a lot of the problems will stand out.
If you want someone to help you proofread, send me a note to my DA account at http://exiana.deviantart.com/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1369859/Einstein-worlds-smallest-horse-gets-set-birthday.html
ReplyDeleteREAL MLP
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAAAAAAAAGH! I WANT ONE!
@Adrian Brony
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice Brony. I don't think I was going for minimalism, since like I said I am trying to find that median for myself between too little and too much. I'm also still trying to find a style that works for me such as doing it in one pass, or like you said making drafts and such. I'll just have to keep at it till I improve.
@locojom
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked it! I'll try to keep making stories you'll enjoy.
@Butterscotch
That's the effect I was hoping for. I'll make sure not to disappoint you.
Was chatting on the Equestria forum about Colgate (some call her Romana) and people were talking about her a lot lately and now this, lol. Berry Punch too with her little unicorn daughter (guess dad was a unicorn).
ReplyDeleteAlways joked there that "Berry Punch is my waifu!" because she was so obscure and people would go "wah? who?", looks like I have been usurped! LOL.
So who hasn't be shipped at this point? Just Carrot Top? Poor Carrot Top, at least she got to ride a giant rabbit.
@amethyst
ReplyDeleteYea, I just went with the mindset that she never knew her original father, since you could most likely go into another story talking about his and Berry Punch's relationship. Also I'll be working on another ship story this weekend of a pair who hasn't been done. You will just have to wait and see who it will be.
I don't understand when people complain by saying that the conversation were dry or robotic-like ?
ReplyDeleteReally ? They seemed fine, real life-like almost, which was quite interesting as it created some amount of emotion AND realism at the same time. Not like a sugar-coated, artificially-enhanced talk like many often try to do.
So, yeah. A fine read, much appreciated.
@Vanderblast
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean by drafts isn't really a stylistic thing. It's so you can see actual mistakes made. You know, unintentionally awkward wording, redundancies, all that stuff.
I still think that Colgate is a dumb name.
ReplyDeletenevermind, I just read it.
ReplyDeleteWell, that was sweet.
ReplyDeleteHere's the screencap
http://img34.imageshack.us/img34/6699/thavetobe.png
And the lyrics are from a Brad Paisley's song
Though the three gems look more like three snow cones to me.
@CANDYBAG
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it. You don't know how long I tried to figure out what her cutie mark was. Like I went to a few different places to ask what it was. Finally it just kind of looked like 3 gems and it made more sense when I saw another pony on the wiki with the same design cuter mark but a clearer picture. I also like the name Ruby.
D'awww. Nice to see a drunken parent who isn't a total waste~!
ReplyDeleteI had a lukewarm reaction to this story. I think there's the core of a good fic in there, and like the previous Anon I'm happy to see alcoholism dealt with more realistically (as in, it doesn't make them a bad person) but there are some issues.
ReplyDeleteFirst, way too much of the story is told by way of narration. I'm often being told what characters feel rather than shown their emotions through their actions and dialogue. It makes for a flat, infodumpy story rather than an engaging my imagination.
Second, and related, I think you need to pick a single character -- Ruby, obviously -- and really get into her head. Tell the story from her point of view. Not first person, necessarily, but get into a third-person limited voice, where you can narrate Ruby's feelings and inner thoughts, but everyone else is seen through her perceptions, with her childish spin on the events around her.
For example:
"If you want to make me happy Mama" Ruby started. "Then find your true love!"
I would use that to give some insight into Ruby's mind:
Ruby wasn't entirely sure she wanted a stranger coming into her life, but she'd read enough fairy tales to know how this was supposed to work. "If you want me to be happy, you should go find your True Love!"
...or something like that.
Oh, to clarify, if you're talking about your main character from third-person limited, it's still best to describe their emotional state through senses and metaphor rather than just saying "Applejack was angry" or something.
ReplyDelete"Applejack felt a flare of hot rage boiling up from her belly, her neck and face flushing as the fire rushed through her veins."
"Rainbow Dash's heart started pounding, her ears filled with the roar of the crowd. She couldn't get enough air, like a heavy wet cloth were spread across her muzzle, and her vision darkened until all she could see was the course ahead of her, but she could feel thousands of judgmental eyes pressing against her skin."
It was pretty good, but there wasn't any substance to it. It was just sort of a barebones story that doesn't quite flow smoothly.
ReplyDelete