• Story: The Box (Update Part 2!)

    by
    [Grimdark] Another one of those crazy long stories everyone likes so much! Changed to grimdark.  Confound these authors and their "this totally isn't grimdark"!


    Author: Achesst
    Description: Twilight is given a mysterious wooden box on a trip to Fillydelphia. What lies inside leads to many questions, and some strange happenings in her tree-house.
    The Box
    The Box Part 2 (New!)
    Thursday, June 2, 2011 op
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    42 comments:

    1. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 4:39 PM

      I read all of it...

      And well, i personally feel it has a more...grimdark take near the end.

      Should it be labled as such?...i really gotta lie down now.

      ReplyDelete
    2. AmazighMarch 30, 2011 at 4:52 PM

      Ohgod...
      Did it...
      I...
      Was..
      Uh...
      WHY IS THIS NOT LABELLED AS GRIMDARK

      ReplyDelete
    3. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 4:54 PM

      Let's see Twilight gets knocked out, then she mysteriously has the doll to place it in the chest...

      Yeah the doll stole her body. Grimdark!

      ReplyDelete
    4. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 4:56 PM

      This is VERY MUCH Grimdark.

      And i know this was some April Foals joke. But Celestia damnit pranks are meant to make you feel GOOD, not...


      Not want to cry. And i did. I cried. Hope you're happy.

      ReplyDelete
    5. Rainbow BriskMarch 30, 2011 at 4:58 PM

      I sorta liked the twist at the very end, but it didn't creep me out much. Also, i found the overall end (the explanation, at least) to be really ham-fisted.

      ah well, can't win em all.

      ReplyDelete
    6. MalacodaMarch 30, 2011 at 5:00 PM

      Ambiguous ending is VERY ambiguous but I loved it anyway! This is true horror with a very Lovecraftian feel to it (Necroponycon? Priceless!).

      However, I disagree with the people who want to add a "grimdark" label to the story because it is only grimdark if you want it to be.

      And, lastly, because of this story, I want to write a pony version of the Monkey's Paw now.

      ReplyDelete
    7. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 5:05 PM

      @Malacoda

      Why not use a Genie Malacoda? It's practically the same thing.

      ReplyDelete
    8. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 5:11 PM

      We need an "ambiguously grimdark" tag, I think.

      ReplyDelete
    9. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 5:26 PM

      This is the song that this story is based on: Creepy Doll

      ReplyDelete
    10. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 6:26 PM

      I don't see how this is grimdark.

      ReplyDelete
    11. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 8:48 PM

      I can't...I can't finish reading it. I mae it to the point where Twilight finds Rarity at her door, and then I ha the horrible thought of it ending with the doll switching bodies with her and killing her. PLEEAASE someone tell me that doesn't happen!

      ReplyDelete
    12. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 9:02 PM

      I'm serious, bronies, I have like, a body-stealing phobia! *whimpers in the corner*

      ReplyDelete
    13. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 9:25 PM

      yup twi is now possessed by an ancient evil that has plagued out fair world for thousands of years.

      ReplyDelete
    14. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 9:26 PM

      @ anon^

      Or is she? Think about that for a sec.

      ReplyDelete
    15. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 9:45 PM

      I knew it! *cries* And her mind is trapped inside the doll, and the evil masquerading as Twilight destroys the doll "like she'd been told"! D:>

      Or...that second anon confuses me.

      ReplyDelete
    16. NinestempestMarch 30, 2011 at 11:27 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    17. NinestempestMarch 30, 2011 at 11:27 PM

      OH my god I didn't even realize that ending until I read the comments.

      Holy fuck this is grimdark. I thought I was just misreading, anda fter 2 rereads I still had no idea. Oh shit.

      ReplyDelete
    18. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 1:24 AM

      Follow up story please. I kinda wanna see where this goes. If the doll did switch with Twilight I would like to see what it wants. Not to mention to see if twilight is Actually dead. I could see here preserving herself by taking form of smoke or a fog before she can get her Body back.

      ReplyDelete
    19. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 4:13 AM

      You're traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.

      A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead-next stop, the Twilight Sparkle Zone!

      ReplyDelete
    20. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 7:09 AM

      Okay, okay, now that I've recovered...somewhat...from the mind-numbing terror I felt before I had to stop reading, I think I can give a slight critique, instead of simply whimpering in fear.

      The story was p-pretty good. No grammatical mistakes stick out in my mind, and the general mood was effectively creepy. Especially the first time Twilight sees the doll in the rocking chair. The part about the shopkeeper being dead is really cliche, but that can't be helped, it's an effective technique.

      But oh jeeze... *whimpers* I am so going to mentally write a sequel where Twilight comes back as a ghost and possesses her own body...

      ReplyDelete
    21. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 8:10 AM

      AAAAAAAAH GOD NO
      evil creepy porcelain dolls are one of my biggest phobias!

      Apart from that, great fic!

      ReplyDelete
    22. Don_koMarch 31, 2011 at 12:45 PM

      First part is really good but the rest only "B".
      Still brohoof for #12 reference.

      Also Celestia Killed entire 7 000 000 000 intelligent beings, take their land. Then Prisoned her sister FOREVER. Then get absolute power over nature and sun itself. Finally she sent ponies she doesn't like to the Eeverfree forest (that was mentioned in Sonic Rainboom) to be eaten alive by manticoras and parasprites. Good one Celestia! And after that you are complaining how bad people were and how good you are. The same shit with a strengths of 1000 suns.

      ReplyDelete
    23. achesstMarch 31, 2011 at 1:08 PM

      Some replies,
      First: Wow. I wanted the ending that way in hopes everyone would think, "Sure, it leans toward horrible death but there's no way Twilight would let that happen. I'm sure she's fine." But it seems there's almost total agreement that she's dead. Because of this, I will write a sequel, but it'll take a couple weeks.
      Second: Yes, some of it is very cliched. I'm sorry about that. My only excuse is that this is my first time writing anything trying to be scary. A bad excuse, I know, but that's all I got.
      Third: I agree that Celestia's explanation is pretty poor. She may not be fully correct on the doll's origin. This will be addressed.
      Finally: I love references! Glad you guys caught the ones to #12 and other things. I want you to know I appreciate all comments, good and bad, and I'm sorry it wasn't labeled grimdark right away. I figured it really only was if you interpreted it that way, and I guess everyone did.

      ReplyDelete
    24. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 2:46 PM

      Creepy as FUCK

      ReplyDelete
    25. Dag1984March 31, 2011 at 3:21 PM

      I had a case of Fridge Horror with the ending. First time reading it I thought Twilight overpowered the doll and locked in the box. Second time I read it... old "evil doll" stories came to mind around the part doll attacks her.

      ReplyDelete
    26. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 7:16 PM

      Awesome story, truly! I'm not normally a big fan of grimdarks, but this one was remarkably well-done. Everyone was characterized very well, and the ending left an impact on me; I wanted to believe Twilight fought the doll and confined it back to the box, but I knew that things took a turn for the worse, which is exactly the kind of impact I hope for in a scary story. Well done.

      ReplyDelete
    27. T.O. BronyApril 1, 2011 at 1:01 AM

      An amusing thought just occurred to me...maybe the doll with Twi's soul could be referred to as 'Talky Twilight'...

      ReplyDelete
    28. AnonymousApril 1, 2011 at 2:22 PM

      Xanderfox (No account yet)

      I don't think it ought to end here. Maybe because I don't like the idea of Twilight dead? Maybe because good terror needs a sequel? Maybe I feel "Dolly" deserves a taste what she got? or that Twilight's friends would suspect something? Certainly scary, most assuredly grimdark. Still think a pink somepony should find a My Little Pony Twilight Sparkle Toy in the library ruins a stalk and certain body snatcher...

      ReplyDelete
    29. TrolliciousApril 25, 2011 at 9:22 PM

      [spoiler alert.]O_O how did the doll take over her body?

      ReplyDelete
    30. NinestempestJune 2, 2011 at 10:39 AM

      Oh god, I was not expecting a sequel.

      Welp, time to dive in and hopefully get some closure. That first chapter was creepy as fuck.

      ReplyDelete
    31. AnonymousJune 2, 2011 at 12:09 PM

      UMM SHIT??!!
      second chapter leads to third and possibly fourth
      (danmed cliff hangers)

      ReplyDelete
    32. NinestempestJune 2, 2011 at 12:26 PM

      No, that chapter ended it; doll is properly sealed and the thing about Luna's room is just a creepy way to end a story. It isn't a cliffhanger; it's very over now.

      But that was interesting. Aside from confusing formatting leaving me unsure of when you changed scene, it was done well. Still was odd, and continued that same mood from the first one.

      I like.

      ReplyDelete
    33. AnonymousJune 2, 2011 at 12:31 PM

      Hmm, I liked this story quite a bit... but that DBZ-esque scene towards the end of the second one was... well, I don't know. Perhaps a little out of place. Apart from that, it was a great read, and an interesting premise... the idea of 'humans before the time of ponies' or 'humans being mystical creatures' is one that I was actually considering for a story. So yeah... overall, decent job :)

      ReplyDelete
    34. AnonymousJune 2, 2011 at 12:39 PM

      Well I am glad you wrote a second chapter, I don't like the idea of Twilight being killed, she's my favorite pony, and well the FIM Universe does feel like one where things have tendency to work out for the best in end. But of course being Grimdark the evil spirit isn't dead, just defeated.

      ReplyDelete
    35. achesstJune 2, 2011 at 12:53 PM

      @NinesTempest

      Sorry about that. I completely forgot that the stars across the page don't copy/paste over from word. I fixed the formatting a bit now.

      ReplyDelete
    36. TenchiFreak5June 2, 2011 at 1:01 PM

      Oh god Planet of the Apes ending.




      And the DBZ-ness of the second chapter is something that I noted to, but I actually think it plays pretty well.

      Friendship is worthless? Friendship is Magic, bitch.
      *fist pumps*


      Also got a good laugh out of the burial site when I figured out where it was going to be.

      ReplyDelete
    37. LoLZorzsJune 2, 2011 at 1:50 PM

      Yo bronies any Cupcakes publicity hoarding material in this that could make it the next feared meme?

      ReplyDelete
    38. RobinJune 2, 2011 at 9:18 PM

      *halfway through the first chapter*

      Holy shit, is this a JoCo's 'Creepy Doll' fanfic?

      *looks for evidence of a ruined eye*

      ReplyDelete
    39. AnonymousJune 3, 2011 at 7:51 AM

      this is a story that really didn't need a sequel, and a happy ending even less so.

      ReplyDelete
    40. Lucky SanityJune 3, 2011 at 11:38 AM

      3 words :
      I
      LOVE
      THIS

      Though the part 2 was... IDK, a bit too happy for me
      But if wasn't there, I don't think my mind would settle down until there was a continue

      Overall, I enjoyed the whole way through~

      ReplyDelete
    41. AnonymousJune 5, 2011 at 10:09 PM

      ummm.. so where did they put it? I feel like I'm missing something

      ReplyDelete
    42. uberPhoenixJune 6, 2011 at 9:02 PM

      @Anon: Probably the moon.

      I knew this has to be based on Jonathan Coulton. I just knew it.

      Why are there so many JoCo fans in here? Not that I'm complaining.

      ♫ As the smoke fills up the tiny room, there's nothing you can do. ♫
      ♫ Far too late you see the one inside the box was you. ♫

      ReplyDelete

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