• Story: Teatime At Twilight's

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    Description: On a lazy summer day, Pinkie Pie wants to party and have fun, but when its party time Pinkies the only pony looking glum
    Teatime At Twilight's 
    Sunday, February 20, 2011 op
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    20 comments:

    1. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 4:16 PM

      Jumanjii! I fear that some pony will regret to play at it. I can already see Fluttershy cover in fear at the terrible things that this accursed board game will summon.

      ReplyDelete
    2. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 4:25 PM

      pinkie pie being glum?
      no shipping?
      i am intrigued

      ReplyDelete
    3. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 4:37 PM

      Robin Williams with the MLP cast? Things just got 20% cooler.

      ReplyDelete
    4. MuffinFebruary 20, 2011 at 4:42 PM

      Heck. Yes.
      Continue this!

      ReplyDelete
    5. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 5:19 PM

      OH SHI-

      ReplyDelete
    6. tannerFebruary 20, 2011 at 6:15 PM

      Thanks for the feedback guys, I'm going to write a follow up story or two. rewatching the film is giving me loads of new ideas

      ReplyDelete
    7. Hikuro14February 20, 2011 at 6:15 PM

      This has potential. Pinkie pie would own up at this game.

      ReplyDelete
    8. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 7:11 PM

      YES

      I WANNA SEE MORE

      ReplyDelete
    9. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 7:26 PM

      But seriously... I can imagine how Part 2 would start out already:

      Twilight would have already known about Jumanji and what it entails from random research she did on it years ago. The other five ponies think that it's merely a simple board game; Twilight's face turns blank with fear, and the other ponies are about to open up the game when she screams "NO!" and tells them why.

      The other ponies don't believe her, thinking it's just another hocus pocus fairy tale she read in "those silly unknown mysteries" books, and Pinkie gets upset because she would rather play this game instead of having a tea party. Pinkie opens the box before Twilight can prevent it... Twilight screams, knowing the ensuing trouble Pinkie has caused, and lashes out at her. There's no way to close the game board once it's started... at least, from my recollection of the movie's events.

      Yeah, I'm liking this sequel already. :3

      ReplyDelete
    10. Cereal VelocityFebruary 20, 2011 at 8:34 PM

      I don't mean to be the sole voice of dissent, but in your sequel you may want to pay attention to your structure a little better. You had paragraphs, but they were really little more than walls of text. Try to start a new paragraph when each pony speaks.

      Also, avoid using script notations like parenthesis to indicate action. Just say she takes a deep breath, simple as that.

      ReplyDelete
    11. tannerFebruary 20, 2011 at 8:51 PM

      Gotcha cereal, thanks for your critique. I'm still a little rusty when it comes to proper form and I won't be making the same mistake twice.
      I hope you enjoyed the story as well!

      ReplyDelete
    12. AnonymousFebruary 20, 2011 at 9:01 PM

      @Anonymous

      Close, but im pretty sure to start the game a player piece has to be dropped on the board. Im pretty sure i remember the pieces magically zipped upright and went to start.

      ReplyDelete
    13. Cereal VelocityFebruary 20, 2011 at 9:03 PM

      I did! It was just a little difficult to read sometimes. Spacing and pacing are key. You don't have to fill the time with dialogue- sometimes all it takes is a subtle explanation of how a character is acting to tell the reader something that would take lots of dialogue to do.

      Also Dash munching on an apple is adorable.

      ReplyDelete
    14. Cereal VelocityFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:46 AM

      Reposting just in case you don't check that thread:

      I didn't write about basic structure because I wanted to focus the guide more on the core structure and the beginning steps of writing and less about the mechanics. That said, in response to your story, the best thing I can advise is less wall-of-text syndrome and more spacing out of events. You have paragraphs and paragraphs of separate characters speaking and it's not immediately clear which one is doing what. Try to segment the action and, if you need to slow down a moment in your story to let the reader focus on it, add some details to slow the pace.

      Hope that helps?

      ReplyDelete
    15. AnonymousApril 3, 2011 at 11:10 PM

      Sooo, this gonna continue? I dunno. It's been a while.

      ReplyDelete
    16. TannerApril 9, 2011 at 11:06 AM

      @Anonymous

      Oh yes, It's stagnated a bit as a result of me fiddling around with other stories, but I have parts 1 and 2 of the sequel fic already written. I should send it in soon really im just procrastinating

      ReplyDelete
    17. Ddude28July 24, 2011 at 1:18 PM

      And yet several months later, still no sequel. What a shame.

      ReplyDelete
    18. AnonymousAugust 10, 2011 at 5:11 PM

      Oh the horror!

      ReplyDelete
    19. nickmeister1992October 2, 2011 at 4:27 PM

      @catherine-puce
      I actually see everypony else cowering in fear of them while she snuggles up to them.

      ReplyDelete
    20. UnknownMarch 8, 2013 at 9:33 PM

      oh well .these ponies can find every kind of creature in the game

      ReplyDelete

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