• Story: Mommy Nearest + Alicorn (Update Story 2 Chapter 3!)

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    [Normal] This is a blast from the past right here!  I bet most of you haven't even touched part one yet!

    Author: Fairy Slayer
    Description: "After she suddenly falls from the sky Rainbow Dash is in constant excruciating pain. Though her friends' efforts to cure her fail, the answer to her problem is found in a long-kept and momentous secret."
    Mommy Nearest

    Additional Tags: Like these existed back then!  
    [Normal] Part 2

    Author: Aldea Donder (Email)
    Description: Life is full of changes, none of them quite as disturbing as having a horn pop out of your skull. Look out Equestria, there’s a new alicorn on the block, and she’s about 20% cooler than the rest!
    Alicorn Prologue: Morning
    Alicorn Chapter 1: New Beginning
    Alicorn Chapter 2: Dashed Expectations
    Alicorn Chapter 3: The Shadow Risen (New!)

    Additional Tags: Alicorn, Family, Princess Rainbow Dash
    Monday, October 3, 2011 op
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    207 comments:

    1. AnonymousFebruary 3, 2011 at 2:46 PM

      That was adorable.

      ReplyDelete
    2. AnonymousFebruary 4, 2011 at 9:49 AM

      wow that was great

      ReplyDelete
    3. AnonymousFebruary 10, 2011 at 8:53 PM

      Really liked it, except for the very last twist was a bit too much.

      ReplyDelete
    4. williamcllMarch 22, 2011 at 8:13 AM

      The story went SIDEWAYS
      good read though

      ReplyDelete
    5. Batty GloomMarch 25, 2011 at 3:30 AM

      You know what? I want a sequel. I mean it. Think about all the implications this would bring! Dash being an alicorn, whether her ego would get any bigger having both flight and magic, how this revelation might change her relationship with her friends, if she has to leave Ponyville...

      There's so much more that could be written and explored!

      ReplyDelete
    6. AnonymousMarch 28, 2011 at 9:40 AM

      I like my fanfics to be in keeping with the episodes of the show, so I didn't like the ending; the story before that was good though.

      ReplyDelete
    7. AnonymousApril 6, 2011 at 11:55 AM

      Why isn't this random? The end angered my being . . .

      ReplyDelete
    8. AnonymousApril 12, 2011 at 1:03 PM

      I loved the end, really brought it together.

      ReplyDelete
    9. La BarataMay 22, 2011 at 12:24 AM

      *ahem* WAT.

      ReplyDelete
    10. WildWood PonyJune 2, 2011 at 8:36 PM

      WHAT A TWEEEEST.

      ReplyDelete
    11. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 4:11 PM

      Holy Bump batman

      ReplyDelete
    12. NinestempestJune 9, 2011 at 4:31 PM

      ... February?

      Jeeeeez

      ReplyDelete
    13. Asgard314June 9, 2011 at 4:32 PM

      1st one: Shouldn't this be Grimda- Oh! Nope, that's fine. Normal's fine.

      2nd One: DAAAAAWWWWWWWW!

      ReplyDelete
    14. NinestempestJune 9, 2011 at 4:44 PM

      " It was that icky sex stuff she had to learn in middle school."

      I burst out laughing in the middle of a college campus.

      FUcking damnit.

      ReplyDelete
    15. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 4:45 PM

      WHAT A TWIST

      ReplyDelete
    16. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 4:45 PM

      I'm not a fan of this. Having one of the mane cast be directly related to Celestia or Luna just screams Possession Sue to me.

      ReplyDelete
    17. ToonNinjaJune 9, 2011 at 4:46 PM

      Not bad. Not bad at all. I'm not sure if I really like the idea of Rainbow Dash being an alicorn, though; doesn't sit right with me. She'd never have the patience for magic, and Lord knows the implications of Dash having to learn how to act like royalty.

      ReplyDelete
    18. NinestempestJune 9, 2011 at 4:49 PM

      Odd subject matter aside, that was done incredibly well. Kept you on edge, guessing, everyone reacted perfectly in character, and it was painful almost.

      Then lolwtf.

      Going to second part.

      ReplyDelete
    19. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 4:55 PM

      Now 20% more overpowering!

      There's gonna be another addition to this, correct?

      ReplyDelete
    20. NinestempestJune 9, 2011 at 4:57 PM

      And then that second part was met with an incredibly different but more personal and emotional writing style that seems to emphasize interactions more than events.

      Very nice.

      ReplyDelete
    21. OleetarJune 9, 2011 at 5:01 PM

      An interesting old story, but the second chapter just felt incredibly insignificant, almost filler-y.

      Still decent, four stars.

      ReplyDelete
    22. BareeJune 9, 2011 at 5:08 PM

      I admit I never read the first chapter till now. Its an ehm... unusual idea. Still, it was entertaining enough.

      Second chapter though, very well done. It takes a rather strange idea and runs with it. And does it well. Very emotional and very well executed.

      ReplyDelete
    23. ryanJune 9, 2011 at 5:15 PM

      I thought Dash was pregnant from big Mac.
      Oops, should have read the title.

      ReplyDelete
    24. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 5:23 PM

      part 2?
      ohhhh boy!

      ReplyDelete
    25. Shadow DragonJune 9, 2011 at 5:34 PM

      Very good story so far. Having it turn out to be that Pinkie Pie's father is the one Princess Celestia had an affair with wasn't a good way to end it, in my opinion. Though everything else was really well done.

      ReplyDelete
    26. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 5:36 PM

      The whole time in the first one, I was thinking, "what the pony f**k!?"

      ReplyDelete
    27. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 5:48 PM

      Eeenteresting. First part went a little quick. The start was good, the confusion was really helped along there by the kind of hap-hazard and quick writing style.

      SPOILERS FROM HERE ONWARD

      When Celestia admitted to being the mother, though, it was sudden and I had to step away from the story for a bit so my eyes wouldn't roll away. Like 'oh yeah, hi' kinda sudden. There was no hesitation, no 'I'm sorry to have kept you hidden for so long' nothing like that. Just 'yes, I'm the mother after an indiscretion.' The last twist was ok, though I doubt Celestia would ever actually make any type of 'opps' like that she didn't mean to mention. Also, back child support, really? I really, really don't think Celestia gives two wet slaps about that kind of stuff. And besides, since the child was effectively adopted, Celestia is owed no child support anyway.

      The second one seems a bit better written, in pacing. It also starts to fill in the parts left by the first part. All-in-all I liked that treatment of the matter better than the original. Sorry Fairy Slayer. Hopefully we'll see a third part trying to get the whole Pinkie Pie family thing settled.

      Oy.

      ReplyDelete
    28. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 5:51 PM

      Rainbow dash needs a different mother she could have been a new character

      ReplyDelete
    29. DDDchuJune 9, 2011 at 6:23 PM

      oh god. This is sad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUOoPuiyZM

      ReplyDelete
    30. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 7:09 PM

      I thought it was great.

      Oh Lord, imagine the look on Prince Blueblood's face....
      "Blueblood, allow me to introduce you to your new cousins..!"

      ReplyDelete
    31. The Letter JJune 9, 2011 at 7:34 PM

      Well that was interesting, to say the least. Sure, the premise is a bit (or, you know, completely) unbelievable, but it was still a good read.

      And if more stories do come from this (and I hope they will), one of them will have to deal with Twilight becoming ridiculously jealous.

      ReplyDelete
    32. Mather MaddoxJune 9, 2011 at 7:40 PM

      So Dash is basically Jesus?

      ReplyDelete
    33. AnonymousJune 9, 2011 at 9:46 PM

      I cried... Should I be crying?

      ReplyDelete
    34. fishsticksJune 9, 2011 at 10:29 PM

      i remember something like this when the site first went up. pinkie pie is related to rainbow dash or something and at the end rd has a horn

      ReplyDelete
    35. Fairy SlayerJune 9, 2011 at 11:39 PM

      You guys are really making my day. For a quick oneshot request some of you are taking it pretty seriously, though in some cases I know it's a humorous affectation. And, uhm, one of you anonymouses, there's no need to feel sorry if you didn't like my story as much or even at all.

      The Pinkie Pie part at the end is simply a bit gag for the requester's benefit, since the request itself was the big reveal. Celestia was laughing. She wouldn't have erased Mr. Pie's memory if she expected him to ever pitch in, and Celestia could easily make sure Dash and her adoptive parents never had want for anything. (Wait, now I'm taking it too seriously...)

      If anything, do what they did with Superman Returns, "Pretend III and IV never happened." (And hell yeah, I wish Princess Celestia could erase those Superman movies from my mind too!)

      I was surprised by how many people wanted to see the story continued, and I gave so many people the green light that I can't even begin to guess who Aldea Donder is on dA (if at all). It's too bad I didn't know her/him before because if she'd co-written the first story then it would be much more balanced. But again, it was only a quickie.


      >I cried... Should I be crying?

      Yes. Yes you should. I think.


      @fishsticks: Yes, there's a bit of thread necromancy going on here. It's probably unfair to Aldea, plus with so many more discerning readers the star rating has dropped. Whatevs.

      ReplyDelete
    36. AnonymousJune 10, 2011 at 1:50 AM

      Oh yeah, I remember this fic! I think it was one of the first I ever read!

      The second installment just seemed a little short, but it was still cute as hell. Freyja is a freaking awesome name for Rainbow Dash.

      ReplyDelete
    37. Aldea DonderJune 10, 2011 at 3:01 AM

      >There's gonna be another addition
      >to this, correct?

      Yes, I started work on chapter two today. It should be quite a bit longer and lighter than this one. Consider this a prologue.


      >I gave so many people the green
      >light that I can't even begin to
      >guess who Aldea Donder is on dA

      Cutey Wooty Pikachutey. ;)

      Having the respect and approval of the original author means more to me than any negative comments or dumb old star rating. If my story moves readers half as much as the original work moved me, I'll have succeeded as a writer. No regrets.

      By the way, Fairy Slayer, I meant it when I proposed joint effort. If you ever change your mind and decide you'd like to collaborate, don't hesitate to let me know. At the very least, I'd love to hear some of the ideas you were kicking around. You (or anyone else) can reach me at guidedcosine@gmail.com.

      Anyway, the star rating's only fallen 0.1. Pshaw, that's nothing.

      ReplyDelete
    38. PandarsenicJune 10, 2011 at 4:39 AM

      Worth a laugh, definitely.

      Also, we need a "GloriousUnicornMasterRace" tag for stories where unicorns are just BETTER than other ponies (in reality or just in perception), like how the court here wouldn't be likely to accept her on account of her not being a Unicorn.

      ReplyDelete
    39. Fairy SlayerJune 10, 2011 at 9:56 AM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    40. Fairy SlayerJune 10, 2011 at 10:06 AM

      @Aldea Donder
      From the comments I think any (and like you wrote) miniscule drop is my fault because of the holes in the original, not at all due to your piece. There weren't nearly as many viewers here back in my day; I'm sure my other old stories would be torn to pieces now.

      Your collaboration offer is looking better and better to me, but I'm busy working on clopfics at the moment. (After the Google Docs Massacre I've been busy with "Fall Weather Friends - Alternate Alternate Ending" to replace the first version.)

      ReplyDelete
    41. Nova25June 10, 2011 at 11:48 AM

      Holy Horsepower!

      This majestic old story has a ''sequel'' !

      Absolutely, absolutely must read ! ...wait a minute? It isn't from the same author ?

      ...humm...

      It BETTER be good.
      *Read*
      Well... caring, loving, a hint of sad but tender Celestia... I would say that this story holds up pretty good to its 'predecessor'.

      I read, in the comments, that there will be more following ?

      If those follow like the Original story, and like this new ''sequel'' then... It should be pretty darn interesting, but beware... Expectations will be high! :)

      ReplyDelete
    42. TosxychorJune 10, 2011 at 3:38 PM

      Wow, this one is VERY promising, I loved the way you wrote it. Keep up the good work, Aldea! ^_^

      ReplyDelete
    43. AnonymousJune 11, 2011 at 2:40 AM

      Goddess nuzzling made my eyes all teary.

      ReplyDelete
    44. AnonymousJune 14, 2011 at 12:35 AM

      For some reason, I knew that Dash had broke the bowl as soon as I read it. But I DID NOT see the conclusion coming. Great story!

      ReplyDelete
    45. WierdplatformerJune 14, 2011 at 4:10 AM

      Honestly, I'm kind of on the fence here. The story is very well done, but it's far from canon. I will definitely be lookin forward to the third part!

      ReplyDelete
    46. TenchiFreak5June 18, 2011 at 3:43 PM

      I'm conflicted on this. The premise itself is far more "out there" than what I usually consider to be within my tastes.
      And yet, after reading it, the premise is carried so well by the writing (in both chapters, though I think the writing style of the continuation fits a touch better) that I'm compelled seek future chapters.

      ReplyDelete
    47. AnonymousJune 24, 2011 at 2:28 AM

      awsome story!

      altough it felt like chapter 2 ended pretty fast, my first thought when i noticed there wasn't any more text was basicly "wait, that's it?"

      not to say it wasn't good though, it was, but i want moar!

      is it done now or is there going to be a chapter 3?

      ReplyDelete
    48. Aldea_DonderJune 25, 2011 at 1:46 AM

      The next chapter is coming, and it will be quite a bit longer. It would probably be done by now if I weren't in Las Vegas for the week.

      ReplyDelete
    49. RoxorJune 26, 2011 at 7:34 PM

      Whoa. Didn't see that coming. Yet, it makes so much sense. What is it with strange ideas making a lot of sense on this site, anyway?

      There is definitely a LOT of room to fill with more story for this alternate timeline.

      Keep at it, authors!

      ReplyDelete
    50. AnonymousJuly 7, 2011 at 5:48 AM

      The first link is down, is there a chance its comming back?

      ReplyDelete
    51. Fairy SlayerJuly 7, 2011 at 5:32 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    52. AnonymousJuly 8, 2011 at 7:15 PM

      @Fairy Slayer

      You still got the first story?
      I really want to read it.

      ReplyDelete
    53. Fairy SlayerJuly 9, 2011 at 12:26 AM

      @Anonymous & Anonymous

      Okay, it's just been unlocked. The link at the top of this post works again.

      ReplyDelete
    54. AnonymousJuly 9, 2011 at 5:03 AM

      @Fairy Slayer

      Thank you, i really enjoyed the story!
      It's weird to think of Rainbow Dash as a royal. A tomboyish princess.

      The real surprise was that Pinkie is Dash's sister, didn't see that coming.

      I love to read any future chapters, as a Rainbow Dash is besides Pinkie Pie, the last pony who you should give magic to.

      ReplyDelete
    55. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 6:14 AM

      yup, still awesome
      great chapter Don

      ReplyDelete
    56. TricaneJuly 15, 2011 at 6:16 AM

      WOAH. That latest chapter was really something. I'm beginning to really enjoy this continuation of a whimsy little tale, and look forward to the next installment - whenever that is going to be.

      Still not really on board with Pinkie being Rainbow Dash's half-sister, and it's kind of glossed over as well - which is for the better, I think. You did, however, manage to nail Rainbow Dash's "voice" very well, despite the bold assumptions and highly emotional content dictated by the plot of this. I am impressed, ma'am.

      ReplyDelete
    57. BagOfChipsJuly 15, 2011 at 6:18 AM

      All three were well written, but I stopped halfway through the third bit because the whole premise is just too unbelievable.

      I can't suspend that much disbelief :p

      ReplyDelete
    58. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 6:20 AM

      These stories are brilliant! I wish I had been able to read this back in February, but time doesn't matter one bit. This was awesome.

      ReplyDelete
    59. ShadowFox04July 15, 2011 at 6:45 AM

      Wow, this is an old story. Been a while since reading this for the first time. Nice to see more of it.

      ReplyDelete
    60. kitsJuly 15, 2011 at 6:56 AM

      >This is a blast from the past right here! I bet most of you haven't even touched part one yet!

      And you'd be wrong

      ReplyDelete
    61. TheRealCJJuly 15, 2011 at 7:32 AM

      Uh, just a heads up, "Alicorn" is the word for the material that makes up a Unicorn's horn/the horn itself.

      I think they word you're looking for is "Pegacorn", unless, of course, I'm missing something that's MLP-specific.

      ReplyDelete
    62. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 7:58 AM

      @TheRealCJ

      I'm pretty sure everyone around here calls pegasus unicorn ponies alicorns.

      ReplyDelete
    63. HarakouJuly 15, 2011 at 8:22 AM

      Oh geez, that actually had me in [manly] tears near the end. I think I like this sequel more than the original story. Really well done.

      Minor spoiler:
      Also, Pinkie Pie is Dash's half sister? IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

      ReplyDelete
    64. KaiCalimatinusJuly 15, 2011 at 9:48 AM

      Did you have M. 'Vat a tvist!' Shamalyon assist you on this!?

      ReplyDelete
    65. TenchiFreak5July 15, 2011 at 10:16 AM

      I think the third chapter of this was the strongest of them all.

      I'm impressed with how well you are balancing the character's canon personalities with the story's attempt to tell what is obviously a very emotional tale far detached from anything the show itself would ever cover.

      ReplyDelete
    66. KyleJuly 15, 2011 at 10:26 AM

      Part two was, in my mind, sort of a weak thing. And I had mixed feelings about the whole Celestia going "I'm your mommy LOL" that in my mind took away from the air of the story.

      Then you wrote part 3. That was WORLDS better in my mind. Now a part of me is curious as to what Rainbow will do as an alicorn. Assuming the grows into the power that Luna and Celestia possess, I'm sure it'll be something major, like taking over the world's weather patterns or something.

      Looking forward to more, and I'll check my rating for this thing. If I marked four stars, I'll go ahead and add a fifth.

      ReplyDelete
    67. The J.A.M.July 15, 2011 at 11:01 AM

      What about Pinkie's other 2 sisters?

      ReplyDelete
    68. LoLZorZsJuly 15, 2011 at 11:46 AM

      ugh...stories seriously should have a storyline summary with spoilers at the end, i don't have time to read all this, i still have 500more fan fictions to browse through

      ReplyDelete
    69. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 11:53 AM

      I think something went into my eye.

      ReplyDelete
    70. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 12:50 PM

      5 stars chapter 3 is spectacular!!

      ReplyDelete
    71. LoganBronyJuly 15, 2011 at 1:17 PM

      I was just thinking about this last night. This is a great story and I cannot wait to see the next part. If you keep going like this the next part will be AMAZING. Keep up the good work.

      ReplyDelete
    72. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 1:39 PM

      You made me dawwww out loud several times. And the ending with Scootaloo made me shed a tear. This was a perfect chapter, and really did an amazing job of adding true depth to the story. Hope to see more!

      ReplyDelete
    73. benjaminJuly 15, 2011 at 1:47 PM

      not only is this an amazing story but it is incredibly well written. i really enjoyed it!

      ReplyDelete
    74. SlowBronyJuly 15, 2011 at 2:06 PM

      omg follow this up with the alicorn chapter1&2 i cried it was good...really good ,but thats just one bronys opinion

      ReplyDelete
    75. LilyJuly 15, 2011 at 2:51 PM

      More! More!

      ReplyDelete
    76. ArsanthaniaJuly 15, 2011 at 3:29 PM

      Wow, this is pretty good.

      I think that it needs to be finished for sure, and I'm liking where it's gone so far.

      I, personally, might use this as further reason/explanation for why Dash is a alicorn in a piece of fanfiction i have been dreaming/planning myself.

      Yes, I think this would fit quite well, my reason for her being one was BS. XP

      ReplyDelete
    77. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

      A good read! A great non-fanon story!

      The scene in the graveyard was excellent! Can't wait for the next part.

      ReplyDelete
    78. BlankFlankBronyJuly 15, 2011 at 4:34 PM

      [SPOILER-ISH WARNING]
      I think Dash might be ready for Canterlot... but is Canterlot ready for Dash?
      [end spoiler-ish-ness]

      Looking forward to the next chapter!

      ReplyDelete
    79. Aldea_DonderJuly 15, 2011 at 8:23 PM

      Thanks to everyone who's rated or left a review. Your input means a lot to me. I always look to the comments section for feedback as well as new ideas, so a big thank you to everyone who's taken the time to discuss the story!


      @TenchiFreak5

      Thanks for the kind words. Actually, the characterization has been flowing pretty easily so far. The only one I've had any difficulty portraying is Rarity, which is probably why she doesn't get a whole lot of screen time this chapter. I had thought about writing a scene where Rainbow visits the Carousel Boutique and thanks her for the pillow/blanket she received in Mommy Nearest, but I had just come off writing five other character scenes, the whole thing seemed needlessly distracting from the main narrative, and I was ready to be done at that point. Which is why she sort of gets shoehorned into Applejack's scene.

      Celestia is tricky too. It's tough trying to balance what I want to get out of her in this story with her portrayal in Mommy Nearest and what we've seen of her in the show. I must have rewritten the picnic scene six or seven times, and even now I'm not wholly satisfied with it.

      Applejack's scene was the last one I wrote before this was uploaded, and I was surprised how easily it came. Twilight and Fluttershy were easy to write too. Pinkie Pie was just a blast.


      @Kyle

      Interesting idea! I hope all the power that comes from being in charge of the world's weather doesn't go straight to Rainbow's big head. :) Thanks for your review.


      @The J.A.M.

      Probably still out on that Amish rock farm, unfortunately. I wonder if we'll see more of them in season two?


      @LoLZorZs

      lolzorz


      @Anonymous

      I think that scene is my favorite in the whole chapter. Believe it or not, it almost didn't make it into the story. I had contemplated on exploring the matter of Rainbow's parents, but I could never think of a good way to approach it. Then I read a comment on Fairy Slayer's deviantArt page speculating on her relationship with her mom and dad, and it made me realize what an important piece to the larger puzzle this was. After that, I buckled down and committed to writing the scene, and I'm really happy with how it came out.

      I don't mean to toot my own horn, but *I* started crying when I was working on that part of the chapter. Every time I read over the paragraphs where Rainbow asks her mother if she's proud of her, I completely lost it. I hope that scene worked as well for everyone else as it did for me. I'm always afraid of getting a little too angsty, which is why I tried to pepper the chapter with some light humor here and there. I hope it worked!

      ReplyDelete
    80. C.Olimar788July 15, 2011 at 9:26 PM

      Wow, amazing story! I had my doubts on the premise, but you've (both) managed to really make the story heartfelt and beautiful! :D

      I'm really having trouble imagining Rainbow Dash with a horn, though. XP

      ReplyDelete
    81. AnonymousJuly 15, 2011 at 9:32 PM

      @Aldea_Donder

      Without seeming like too much of a kiss-flank, I love Rainbow Dash as an Alicorn. You and Fairy Slayer have done an exceptional job at writing this series. I am waiting with eager eyes for the next installment.

      ReplyDelete
    82. MuppetzJuly 15, 2011 at 11:19 PM

      ....dude.....wtf
      That story hit me like a kick in the ass.
      ...and i haven't even read the alicorn chapters yet.

      ReplyDelete
    83. Fairy SlayerJuly 15, 2011 at 11:52 PM

      I haven't had a chance to read the new chapter (3) yet, but another thing needs to be cleared up about the sister twist:

      Some have gotten confused into thinking Pinkie Pie is somehow Princess Celestia's blood-relative, but Pinkie and Dash share only the same father. So when Pinkie's Warner Bros. powers activate it's not unicorn magic. (If anything, Rainbow Dash could have other latent powers from her Pie lineage — but let's hope not!)

      (I've already explained the reason for the twist itself here a long time ago, so no need to re-hash that.)

      @KaiCalimatinus: I usually go with tweest! but it's all good. ;)

      @C.Olimar788: Here's a start.

      ReplyDelete
    84. Aldea_DonderJuly 16, 2011 at 12:01 AM

      @Fairy Slayer

      God damn, that is the most badass of the pictures.

      ReplyDelete
    85. MuppetzJuly 16, 2011 at 12:19 AM

      Alright, I am the kind of person who considers themselves to be a pretty tough guy. I have not openly cried since "The Green Mile" came out in theaters.
      I have been to the darkest corners of this world, and I left some of my closest friends behind. I have seen some rough shit in my life.

      ...And this story made me cry, like a little girl.

      ReplyDelete
    86. AnonymousJuly 16, 2011 at 3:39 AM

      Definitely well worth the read. It was a nice heart warming for the second story. The first one when I first read it caught me by total surprise at the end there. All and all it was a great reading experience and I can't wait to read more. My only little quirk about the story is something I mentioned in the Google chat before. A lot of stories like to substitute the word magicked in for something else. It always came off to me as a bit of a cop-out, though a rather inventive one to say the least. Still i stand by my earlier conclusion. Mighty good read.

      ReplyDelete
    87. AnonymousJuly 16, 2011 at 11:42 AM

      @Muppetz

      You and me both buddy...

      ReplyDelete
    88. Nova25July 16, 2011 at 4:34 PM

      Alicorn Chapter 2 :

      >I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to writing

      -That something one would respect, really.
      Making sure all is good and well. :)

      Again, part 2 was a new and pretty great part.
      It was well polished, though one specific ''detail'' might have been a BIT too much polished (see below).


      -----

      >although you probably wouldn’t be any worse than the mare they actually picked for that job.

      -Oh now... quit hammering that would ya ?

      Ditzy is a competent and professional mailmare, ok.
      Frankly, she can't be THAT bad with weather control. Maybe not fantastic, but not *4 knights of the apocalypse* either.

      And, even if RD doesn't have much faith (for whatever reasons) in Ditzy, that doesn't mean it has to be repeated like 10 times, over and over and over, ok ?
      That one was just one too much.
      Sheeesh...

      ReplyDelete
    89. Nova25July 16, 2011 at 4:49 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    90. Nova25July 16, 2011 at 5:00 PM

      @TheRealCJ
      By standards and general consensus... »Alicorn« is the main and mostly used term fro them.

      And even if 'Alicorn' is ''supposed'' to be some kind of ''substance''... the term was used in Medieval Age... pretty sure we can use that old term for something more fitting, like the creature itself

      And, frankly, ''Peg - a - corn''(pegacorn) just sounds strange (though it's not the strangest term I ever saw).

      ReplyDelete
    91. AnonymousJuly 18, 2011 at 12:37 AM

      @MuppetzGlad to know I wasn't the only one.

      ReplyDelete
    92. _L1pE_BRJuly 19, 2011 at 1:01 PM

      This was really awesome.

      SPOILERS:
      I expect Rainbow Dash to put some moral on those racist assholes at the court, since she already did threat her friends and derpy:

      >"And you guys better not tease me about any of this or [i]else[/i],"

      >and as for Derpy—well, she had already politely informed Derpy what vengeance lay in store should she return to find Ponyville wiped out by a tsunami or buried beneath a mountain of volcanic slag.

      I really liked these parts btw, not sure why.

      ReplyDelete
    93. The Lovely PenguinJuly 20, 2011 at 2:07 PM

      Holy crud, all the emotion (especially in the sequel)! I really wanna see how this turns out. As I said on DA, I love stuff that shakes up the status quo like this.

      ReplyDelete
    94. AnonymousJuly 21, 2011 at 12:03 AM

      "Mommy Nearest"

      "No," the nurse said as quietly as her sobs would let her, "You don't understand. She wouldn't pretend to be her mother unless... she's dying!"

      Note: Sometimes when I read, I have have a habit to subtley glance farther down to a another part of a story.

      When I looked at the above sentence, I was under the impression that Rainbow Dash was actually going to die! But then, when I actually got to that part, it made a lot more sense.

      This was definitely a sad first part. I couldn't help but get choked/teared up whenever Dash kept going "Mommy? Where's my mommy?"

      And then Celestia reveals she's her (sort of) mommy! Talk about unexpected!

      "Alicorn - Part 1"

      Again, another part that sections that really got to me:

      - Dash painfully asking if Celestian really loved her

      - Dash crying while embracing Celestia.

      To be honest, Dash showing emotion like that always makes me tear up! I just want to be there myself and comfort her in her hour of need!

      "Alicorn - Part 2"

      First, something I need cleared up:
      The pony with the name "Cherry Coke". Did you mean to put "Berry Punch", or was this a totally diiferent background pony that you mentioned? I'm confused.

      So that earth pony mentioned in "Mommy Nearest" that Celestia said was "unusual" was Pinkie Pie's dad, and that's why Pinkie told Dash that they are (half) sisters? I'm also confused here, as well.

      The scene at the cemetary was just heart-breaking!

      ReplyDelete
    95. Aldea_DonderJuly 25, 2011 at 5:55 AM

      @Muppetz

      Thank you so much. That's probably the best review I've ever gotten. It really means a lot to me.


      @Nova25

      Just a bit of comic relief. :) Don't worry, there won't be any Derpy Hooves bashing for the rest of the story... OR WILL THERE?


      @Anonymous

      Yes, that's correct. Rainbow Dash was fathered by Mr. Pie, technically making Pinkie her half sister.

      ReplyDelete
    96. WierdplatformerJuly 29, 2011 at 12:06 PM

      I just finished reading chapter two, and it was awesome. This has to be my favorite non-canon story on the site.

      ReplyDelete
    97. NyergudsOctober 3, 2011 at 5:36 AM

      All the pretty little ponies...

      ReplyDelete
    98. ProtistOctober 3, 2011 at 6:16 AM

      I've only read Mommy Nearest so far, but here are my thoughts. Overall, it was an okay story, but it had a few issues.

      First was the editing. I'm a pretty forgiving reader--a typo here and there isn't going to detract from my opinion of a story--but this was a pretty persistent issue that left me unable to immerse myself in the story.

      Next was the dialogue. It felt contrived and inorganic. It was especially noticeable with Celestia. It felt like you tried to give her speech a certain grandeur but just didn't pull it off. "As surely and swiftly as the first rays of dawn kiss the earth, I will be in Ponyville upon the sunrise." Made me wince. This also ties into the first issue and leads nicely into the final issue.

      Characterization. This was all over the place, and I felt like you were neglecting to attach a distinct personality to each character. Celestia was particularly bad, but all of the mane cast felt sort of hollow and generic. You made an effort to keep everyone in-character, but I felt like everyone was sort of a parody of themselves.

      Now the good news is that all of these problems can be fixed. The fundamental storyline here is sound (a bit unusual, but there's nothing wrong with unusual). The sequence of events is coherent and doesn't need to be ripped apart. What this story is lacking in (in my mind) is a firm handle on editing, and the subtle attention to detail that brings a story to life.

      I hope you understand that my criticisms are meant to be constructive. Good authors need to be able to reevaluate their works critically. For instance, Pen Stroke and Batty Gloom, authors of Past Sins, made several major revisions to their story following reader suggestion.
      There's nothing wrong with making revisions, it shows that you care about the quality of your work.

      ReplyDelete
    99. NyergudsOctober 3, 2011 at 7:22 AM

      Well, in my opinion, "Morning" is very much still part of the first story. In fact, IMO, it shouldn't be two separate chapters at all.

      ReplyDelete
    100. SonicOctober 3, 2011 at 8:02 AM

      @Nyerguds

      It was written by a different author.

      ReplyDelete
    101. HilltopperOctober 3, 2011 at 8:34 AM

      Hm minor quibble, but ISTR that in re addressing royalty, "Your Majesty" refers to the King or Queen and "Your Highness" refers to the rest of the princes(ses). In fact, referring to a Princess as "Your Majesty" is taken as code for "One of your parents has died, you're the Queen now."

      Though I'm assuming that over 1000 years of Celestia being the only royal in the general awareness has something to do with why so many ponies call Celestia "Your Majesty" instead of "Your Highness"

      ReplyDelete
    102. NyergudsOctober 3, 2011 at 8:57 AM

      @Sonic
      ...woah. Never realized that. Well in that case, it's been completed beautifully.

      ReplyDelete
    103. The NumbermanOctober 3, 2011 at 9:07 AM

      This isn't half-bad, even with they few scattered typos, I'm looking forward to seeing where this ends up.

      ReplyDelete
    104. DoctorWhoovesOctober 3, 2011 at 10:06 AM

      Judging by the awesome cover art this is going to be a normal/adventure fic

      ReplyDelete
    105. WentoOctober 3, 2011 at 10:28 AM

      hold it just a minute!

      are you saying my favorite Rainbow dash fic WASN'T completet after ALICORN Ch. 2?!

      OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh!

      as for chapter 3: i hope there's gonna be alot of clearing up in the next chapter, because i'm confused right now...

      this seems to have gone from a sad fic with happy ending to a faint glimmer of grimdark. You better not kill rainbow dash! or any other pony for that matter, except maybe that fat pony, you can kill him... making luna all sad :(

      ReplyDelete
    106. Dusty the Royal JanitorOctober 3, 2011 at 11:08 AM

      I must openly admit... this is perhaps one of my favorite stories on the site. Perhaps one of the best written, all around awesome fics on here.

      To say that I need "MOAR" would not do this story justice.

      I only wish that it would update more often. It's been what? three months now since Chapter 2 came out? Wasn't it sometime in June? I honestly can't remember now...

      That said, I understand that taking your time is how you make the story the best it can be, but don't you think you could maybe work just a liiiiiittle bit faster? Maybe? This story is just too good to be left hanging for so long ;D

      ReplyDelete
    107. pmdOctober 3, 2011 at 11:16 AM

      I agree with Dusty for the latter half, I never thought I'd read this story again 'til I saw the update for chapter 3! Forgot how good it was, and looks like it'll be getting better. Please continue!

      ReplyDelete
    108. AlerhysOctober 3, 2011 at 11:51 AM

      New chapter! Yesyesyesyesyes!
      Good read, too. So much potential being realized here, everypony having to deal with things that are new to them.

      ReplyDelete
    109. ScreenedPlumOctober 3, 2011 at 11:52 AM

      Really enjoyed this. No clue why others are confused by chapter 3, it's making prefect sense to me. Adding this to my watch list.
      However, judging by other peoples comments, and the tags for the first story, I may have to wait a very long time for the next update. I know weekly updates might be a little bit too much to ask for, but monthly's taking the Michael really.

      ReplyDelete
    110. AnonymousOctober 3, 2011 at 11:54 AM

      As much as I loved the end of chapter 2, I'm really excited that this is continuing. Chapter 3 was just as amazing and the metaphors woven into the scenes with Celestia were beautifully written.

      I have to agree with pmd and Dusty, this is by far my favorite story on this site, probably anywhere.

      The end is making me impatient though. I really want to see what comes next.

      Please hurry! (but take your time (but not too much))

      ReplyDelete
    111. SomaliapiratOctober 3, 2011 at 12:12 PM

      This was .. just awesome

      I love it... and i can't wait to read more chapters .. again .. and again .. and again

      ReplyDelete
    112. Magical TrevorOctober 3, 2011 at 12:37 PM

      About damn time! It's been MONTHS!!! How about some updates next time?!

      ...

      Sorry. Still, could you please try to be more constant? We understand being busy with school or work, but STILL! Anyhoof, SO thrilled that the story is going to continue! Well, as long as Trevor doesn't have to wait another 2+ months that is.

      ~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria

      ReplyDelete
    113. BugsydorOctober 3, 2011 at 12:39 PM

      Liking this story a lot so far. It just feels like an eternity since the last update to it.
      Below here be SPOILERS! Ye have been warned.
      This chapter...it raises so many questions! Why is Twilight having strange nightmares about a nightmare-possessed Rainbow Dash (or herself? I'm a bit confused about that) in which she's somepony else lying in a pool of its own blood?

      What the hay has Celestia been doing that nopony has seen her, what is so urgent about next Tuesday in Manehatten, and why does she have a splitting headache? Is she dieing? Is the Nightmare planning to return to claim our new alicorn for its own?

      Why do ponies keep telling Rainbow Dash to keep out of sight and in the castle to avoid her being in danger? What could be dangerous to a young alicorn who controls the power of storms and is the fastest known flyer in Equestria? Will she ever find an escape from her boredom or find a decent burger? How will she react to Twilight trying to teach her to control her magic?

      May we find out the answers to these questions and more in the succeding chapters, and may those chapters arrive swiftly (i.e. sometime this month). Is murder via suspense a capital crime?

      ReplyDelete
    114. ScreenedPlumOctober 3, 2011 at 1:01 PM

      @Bugsydor I can't answer most of that, but the whole safety thing is (from what I understood from the fic) that many among the great and good (or more likely the ruthless and powerful) resent the fact that somepony as common as RD can suddenly soar to the top of the food chain, as it were, ignoring all their hard work (hiding bodies is difficult dontcha know). Now, this plucky pegasi is in a position of serious power, and has become a palpable threat to all their best laid plans.
      Also, many might be angry over the fact that Celestia had a one night stand.
      Woo! Wall of text GO!

      ReplyDelete
    115. AnonymousOctober 3, 2011 at 1:09 PM

      lol, an update for this story! And what a story it is. This raised lots of questions, questions I hope will be answered soon (i.e not three months from now, lol)!

      ReplyDelete
    116. ScreenedPlumOctober 3, 2011 at 1:17 PM

      Also, I hate to spam this story, but I found a small error
      "A pair of pegasi swept in from behind and seized her by the ARMS". Not much (I'm sure I'd be much worse if I had to write things like "Everypony" ever time) but I noticed it and it kinda dragged me out of the story for a minute there

      ReplyDelete
    117. Chaos KnuxOctober 3, 2011 at 1:34 PM

      The original story was beautiful, and I really felt myself there in the hospital room, sharing in the pain and making it easier to bear for the entire group of ponies present.

      and Fluttershy's T.M.I. was both hilarious, and herdmindish.

      As to the second:
      Heh, looks like ol' Bats got his wish.

      Lovely continuation, and honestly I think I got a little TOO engrossed in the events transpiring around "Princess Freyja", I actually felt her emotions boiling in MY skull. and knowing how magic tends to run out of control when unicorns emotions peak, I'd say the unconscious ANNIHILATION of a dining hall is understandable. I'd be pissed too if someone pretended like that... and did that bad a freakin' job of it.

      As for the use of "arms" now and then... I pretty much saw it as a shorter way to specify "forelegs".

      ReplyDelete
    118. BlankFlankBronyOctober 3, 2011 at 1:36 PM

      Have I mentioned how awesome this story is?

      ReplyDelete
    119. HieronymusPOctober 3, 2011 at 1:37 PM

      "Spitfire’s my second. I’ve always admired her sonic rainboom."

      "You are Rainbow Dash. The fastest pony in Equestria. The only known practitioner of the fabled sonic rainboom."

      Whuh?

      ReplyDelete
    120. AnonymousOctober 3, 2011 at 1:45 PM

      @HieronymusP

      Rainbow Dash said that to see if that servant pony was just mindlessly agreeing with her, which she was.

      ReplyDelete
    121. HieronymusPOctober 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM

      @Ace2401

      Yeah, that would make sense now that I think about it. Could have been a little bit clearer though.

      Apart from that, great story so far. Looking forward for more.

      ReplyDelete
    122. AnonymousOctober 3, 2011 at 2:02 PM

      @HieronymusP

      Yeah, I only realized that later myself with some fridge logic. XD

      ReplyDelete
    123. FlutterSwagOctober 3, 2011 at 3:19 PM

      Well,I guess Twi is thinking...
      *takes off sunglasses*
      Eyes to the skies
      YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

      Anyway,this new update was amazing man,I'm sad to think that I might be the only one who LOVED the ending. If you're feeling up to it @Fairy Slayer ,keep it coming!

      ReplyDelete
    124. SandovalOctober 3, 2011 at 4:01 PM

      I thought this story ended already

      ReplyDelete
    125. shadefoxOctober 3, 2011 at 4:40 PM

      @HieronymusP

      Seemed pretty clear to me. Specially with her body language.

      Love this story, and am waiting eagerly for the next chapter. Not going to be much longer before she throws in the towel and takes off.

      ReplyDelete
    126. icefireOctober 3, 2011 at 5:38 PM

      This is awesome.

      Aldea you have taken what was initially just a concept and built a story around it.

      What's more is that you managed to take some of the... cheesier elements of the first story and gave them a more acceptable explanation without completely ret-conning them.

      The interactions between the characters are complex and dynamic, and are already showing signs of great development from the situation they have been forced into. The building plot has already become interesting, and has definitely got my attention. And that's saying something.

      All the references to other stories also got me laughing a few times.

      Keep up the good work!

      ReplyDelete
    127. DerpmindOctober 3, 2011 at 7:43 PM

      Well Aldea Donder, in my opinion, you're definitely at the 6-star writing level. You've taken a mere idea and crafted a very fantastic story so far. Last chapter you wrapped up Ponyville quite perfectly, but there's no way I could have anticipated so much wonderful world-building in this chapter. And, of course, Dash is Rainbows. I mean in-character, but that sounded cooler. She's consistently awesome, and just might destroy the aristocratic institution. Favorite quote: “I DON’T WEAR CLOTHES.” And awesome cover art is awesome.

      ReplyDelete
    128. Ryllian DashOctober 3, 2011 at 8:46 PM

      Excellent writing, cannot wait for the next chapter. SO MANY QUESTIONS to be answered. then again, that is what keeps us reading no? lol
      I really felt Dash's frustration with the staff, and even the royal guard, and lots of other small instances which shows how good the writing really is. Defiantly looking forward to chapter four ^^

      ReplyDelete
    129. PyronOctober 3, 2011 at 10:42 PM

      DAMN! Rainbow is SCARY in chapter three!

      ReplyDelete
    130. MuppetzOctober 4, 2011 at 1:08 AM

      "GET READY FOR THE SONIC RAINBITCH!"
      That's the catch phrase I imagined Rainbow Dash would say during this chapter.

      ReplyDelete
    131. TenchiFreak5October 4, 2011 at 6:54 PM

      So much to like about this chapter, which I feel has once again eclipsed all of the previous ones. That bit where the narration channeled Rainbow's thought patterns to describe the noblepony's excessive girth had me laughing out loud for real.



      And yet, now there are winds whispering that this story is going to be far more wide reaching, far more deep, and far more epic than anything I imagined when I first picked it up; and yet you've woven this expansion masterfully into the narrative.

      ReplyDelete
    132. RHJuniorOctober 4, 2011 at 8:02 PM

      OKAY, PUT THE EPIC SAGA PEN DOWN AND BACK AWAY FROM THE FANFIC SLOWLY.


      Gotta say--- Dash as an Alicorn? The secret daughter of Celestia?--- it was great!.... right up to the Dramatic Foreshadowing ending.

      That last minute addition of "extreme drama, EQUESTRIA IN PERIL"..... not good. EVERYONE does an "equestria in peril" story, and none of them are very good. The show is largely SLICE OF LIFE, and up to that point, so was this story. It worked!
      Not that some drama and conflict is unexpected. Illegitimate daughter of the Princess, politics and so forth... but this was overdone and seriously out of left field. It doesn't work.

      ReplyDelete
    133. TenchiFreak5October 4, 2011 at 8:08 PM

      @RHJunior



      I've read several very good "Equestria in peril" stories (and we don't even know if that is what this is even going to be yet), and I have to seriously question your assertion that because the show is slice of life all derivative works have to be slice of life to be of quality.

      ReplyDelete
    134. UnknownOctober 4, 2011 at 9:17 PM

      This is my new favorite story!!!!
      /)^3^(\

      ReplyDelete
    135. ZaynahOctober 5, 2011 at 12:17 AM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    136. SCOTTTAKAHASHIOctober 5, 2011 at 3:21 PM

      No Rainbow Dash. I AM your Mother!

      And then Celestia was Rainbow Dash's mother.

      Sorry, I couldn't resist!

      ReplyDelete
    137. WierdplatformerOctober 5, 2011 at 3:26 PM

      I love this story, and this latest chapter is no exception. You really took off with this one! The first two were no where on this level of epic!

      I. Cannot. Wait. For. More!

      ReplyDelete
    138. ZaynahOctober 5, 2011 at 7:47 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    139. ZaynahOctober 5, 2011 at 7:50 PM

      *Gasp* Nooooo!!!!! THE TORMENT!!!!
      *stares at the screen waiting impatiently for Chapter 4*

      Ehem, anyway.
      Awesome story so far! You certainly managed to make an amazing continuation of an originally.... Not-so-amazing story. Seriously awesome save, it's awesome enough for me to want to draw fan art.

      ReplyDelete
    140. Aldea DonderOctober 5, 2011 at 11:28 PM

      @Hilltopper

      That's really interesting! I never knew that. I'll have to go back and edit chapter three to correct for proper terminology. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

      @Zaynah

      These things are all in the eye of the beholder, of course, and you’re well entitled to your opinion. But I am and ever shall be an advocate for the original story. All cheesiness aside, when I first read Mommy Nearest back in May, it moved me. It was obviously interesting and compelling enough to inspire me to write a sequel. And I can't say *I* ever would have come up with such a bizarre, off-the-wall concept as Celestia being Rainbow's mother.

      Fairy Slayer hasn't been involved with Alicorn, but he still deserves a lot of credit, because so much of what you see here grew from the seeds of his imagination. And even though he'll tell you it was just a quick, dirty oneshot he did on a whim and a request, in all seriousness, mad props are owed.

      ReplyDelete
    141. ZaynahOctober 6, 2011 at 1:31 AM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    142. Nova25October 6, 2011 at 11:23 PM

      Alicorn Chapter 3:

      -----

      >“GET. BACK. IN. THAT. CHARIOT.”
      -Huh... They do know that she's the daughter of their Ruler AND Boss, right ?

      >Do what I say, and I promise you won’t get hurt.”
      -Well... I can see the ship sinking slowly, right now. Not a good start for this Part...

      >Come with us, or I’ll make you come with us.”
      -...I find myself annoyed by the strangeness and the ''why/what the heck are they doing'' that is going on right now... barely 5min in the story. A bad sign.

      >“Protecting my charge as ordered, Princess,”
      -He was ordered to be impolite, brutal, aggressive, vague, and authorized to use overwhelming force against a MEMBER OF ROYALTY ? ...that sounds, like, 'stupid' (politely said).

      >We were exposed on the cliff, and we had no choice but to make a forcible extraction,”
      -Extraction ? ...oh, by the 9 Hells, this is going bad fast.
      ''Bring me this pony'' - ''Yes sir! And, I shall use this gun to shoot her legs, so she don't escape, and punch her a few time before tying her brutally !'' - ''Captain ? What the heck is wrong in your mind ?!'' - ''Just following orders. That's all, sir !'' ...See ?

      Frankly, their reaction just comes out as WAY overkill-aggressive-angry for no good reason... You don't see Celestia, Luna or Twilight being brutalized and surrounded by 20-50 angry-foaming guards ?

      >Tristar’s face darkened with rage. “Yes, Your Highness.”
      -...? ...what ? He doesn't like that he has to report to his BOSS (which is also the Ruler of the Kingdom). Well, duh ? Isn't making report part of his job ?
      ...Or, is it about the part of him kinda brutalizing Celestia's daughter ?

      >There were... security concerns.”
      -Well... this could have been introduced in a slightly less annoying (or should I say 'sudden') way, maybe.

      -----

      >Domo signalled the ponies on her left and right. Then the three of them turned to face the wall, leaving a flabbergasted Rainbow Dash to stare at their backsides.
      -I don't believe that a person/pony, who worked for Royalty for a long time, would be 'THAT' dumb (or is it incompetent ?), seriously ? ...at the very least, they would stand just outside the door or something.

      >It seemed there was a spy after all.
      -''after all'', doesn't that mean that she said or thought there was a spy, earlier ? I don't recall her saying or thinking this, and there's no reference to ''spy(ies)'' anywhere before that point... so, I don't see where this comes from ?

      >But look! See now how she slinks in the shadows
      >See how she stands there with fire in her eyes!
      -This section, the break/change in the 'narrative style' (I think it's the term)... it's weird a bit ?

      >Any idiot could use a microwave, right? >Luna sneezed. “Gesundheit,” said a guard.
      -Heh. The first 'funny' reference I see in this Part.

      >Who you are is much more imporant.”
      -''important'' (small error)

      >and Lord Brilliant, spherical as he was, went rolling right out the back on his fantastically round belly! >“ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!”
      >“HELP ME!” he rasped. “I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!”
      -Well, that's somewhat funny too. He's like a big turtle.

      > And still the silver eyes watched, unseen.
      -I don't know... Those self-talking sections, or whatever this style-change is supposed to be, are still feeling a bit weird in this story.

      ReplyDelete
    143. Nova25October 6, 2011 at 11:23 PM

      @Nova25
      > That’s all that really matters, isn’t it?”
      -Yeaaaah... but, there's only so many permutations one can do with ''hey'', ''you'' and ''pony''... Names are kinda useful.

      > “Fine then. I’ll just call you Gardener.”
      > “That’s a terrible name.” >“Because I’m not a gardener,”
      -(sigh)... You know, ''pseudo-wisdom'' isn't something really interesting...

      >...horrors upon horrors upon horrors upon horrors upon horrors upon...
      >The night. Would last. Forever.
      >TWILIGHT... >TWILIGHT... >“TWILIGHT!”
      -...I'm starting to have serious doubts about where this story is going ? It's really not what I expected, I think, after reading Part 1 and 2 all those weeks ago.

      Part 1 and 2 seemed, at least for me, to be aiming for some sort of 'good' self-discovering story, both of her own emotions of being an alicorn and her new family-relation with Celestia... not really an odd grave-danger/political evil-monster thingy story.

      -----

      So... forgetting the over-the-top aggressiveness of the crazy-guards and the, huh?, dumbness of the '' supposedly trained'' personnel of the castle, some of the strange bits of self-narration-thingy and some hints of pseudo-wisdom here and there...
      The 'Part' was... fine.

      Though I remember how fantastic Part 1 and Part 2 were... Part 3 just seems to be going in an odd direction and maybe not as charming way as the previous 2 parts... I'm not sure where this story is going, I still have hope, but I also have some doubts now.

      ReplyDelete
    144. Nova25October 7, 2011 at 9:23 AM

      @Zaynah
      @Zaynah
      >continuation of an originally.... Not-so-amazing story.
      -What the ?!

      That 'Not-so-amazing' Original story, as you said, is the masterpiece that sparked THIS one... so, have a bit more respect, will you ?

      ReplyDelete
    145. Fairy SlayerOctober 8, 2011 at 11:28 PM

      @Zaynah
      You're not wrong. Most people aren't into my stories or writing style (quickie or fine-polished), but those who are seem to enjoy it a lot. There are just so many people reading pony stories that mine are bound to reach more of those people. (That doesn't explain why "My Absolute Mostest Horriblest Day EVER" has been getting dozens of hits per day for the past few months, but I won't complain.)

      Mostly I'm glad you're enjoying Aldea's storyline so much. He did turn it into something much better than what the original was.

      ReplyDelete
    146. Jacky2734October 10, 2011 at 1:01 AM

      You know I actually find Rainbow's actions in chapter 3 to be quite appropriate. Because if you weren't raised with the royal treatment and then found the whole way of life dumped on you, your going to act in one of two ways. One, your going to enjoy it too much and it will ruin you, or two, your going to hate every waking minute of it, and frankly, Dash is the kind of pony who would HATE it. As for the way the servants reacted, Tell me how you would react if you went into work one day, shown a girl you've never seen before, and told "This is the president's daughter, here you go." with no more instruction than that. Wouldn't you be kinda freaking out trying to stay on your best behavior so not to bring the full force of her farther down on you?

      As for the story itself, Please, Aldea, hurry up with the next chapter I'm dieing of anticipation.

      ReplyDelete
    147. JimperatorOctober 19, 2011 at 6:43 PM

      @Fairy Slayer

      I think your original was quite good. Definitely much more emotionally impactful then I would have imagined. However the characterizations felt a bit strange. That was about the only thing that threw me off with it. It didn't feel like the characters were themselves by their choices of dialogue.

      Originally I didn't care for the concept, I almost didn't read these two stories. But I'm glad I decided to.

      Good job to you, and I hope to see Aldea Donder continue Alicorn.

      ReplyDelete
    148. DPV111October 27, 2011 at 9:53 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    149. DPV111November 8, 2011 at 1:15 PM

      @Fairy Slayer

      Actually scratch that. I do like grimdark ponies, but only when the story's honest about it and as long as the content fits the presentation.

      My Absolute Mostest Horriblest Day EVER, while a very messed up take on things going really pear shaped is pretty powerful and presents it's nasty shit in what I consider to be "the right way" (as far as it can be). More Sad than Grimdark really, although that too.

      ReplyDelete
    150. Dusty the Royal JanitorNovember 15, 2011 at 9:36 PM

      Okay, is this story going to update any time soon?

      Because it needs to.

      I mean, I'm always up for taking a fair amount of time to make sure everything is polished and working properly, but come on! It's been well over a month now!

      This story is definitely one of the top five best fanfics I've read. And reread. Thrice. Really want to see an update soon.

      Itching for more :D

      ReplyDelete
    151. palatankNovember 16, 2011 at 6:15 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      ReplyDelete
    152. palatankNovember 16, 2011 at 6:17 PM

      I must agree with some others above, I liked the whole "self (re)discovery" theme this had, And then the grimdark had to budge in, with Guard betraying royalty this and celestia dieing that, it really brings down the story, if I wanted grimdark, I would read a Warhammer 40000 fanfic.
      sorry

      ReplyDelete
    153. JimperatorNovember 16, 2011 at 7:02 PM

      @palatank

      Celestia hasn't died, not sure where you read that. And the guard was being insubordinate and rude. Perhaps he is a traitor or perhaps he knows something and his intentions are in the right place? Hardly a betrayal as we don't know yet.

      The story has taken on a slightly more foreboding tone but it's still quite far from GrimDark in substance. Because if this is GrimDark then so were the pilot episodes of Season 1.

      ReplyDelete
    154. BastoffNovember 28, 2011 at 3:43 PM

      Hopes that Alicorn is still a work in progress, can't help but to feel that the story is pretty dead between the long intervals of the updates.

      ...no pressure, though.

      ReplyDelete
    155. Aldea DonderDecember 1, 2011 at 9:41 PM

      Story isn't dead. Next chapter is still in progress. Believe me, I'm working on it every spare minute I have.

      It just so happens I don't have very many spare minutes. :(

      ReplyDelete
    156. Chaos KnuxDecember 6, 2011 at 1:43 PM

      @Anonymous
      I will pay you 13519031905839058 Equestrian bits to either draw that, or get someone like Egophiliac to do so.

      ReplyDelete
    157. Chaos KnuxDecember 6, 2011 at 1:54 PM

      @Aldea Donder
      That's good to hear, take your time, I've got about 8 stories I'm waiting on updates for, so there's no rush from me. Any of those fics updating will pick up the slack and distract me from the other 7 waits. I waited from Chapter 6 of Past Sins, I can wait for this.

      ReplyDelete
    158. Dusty the Royal JanitorDecember 9, 2011 at 2:11 AM

      @Aldea Donder

      Sooooooo... How's it coming?

      Just got done with my fourth re-read.

      This is a really good story.

      /impatience

      ReplyDelete
    159. VelvetDecember 10, 2011 at 2:43 PM

      So how does one get in contact with the author of the second story? (Aldea Donder)

      ReplyDelete
    160. SdashDecember 13, 2011 at 10:59 PM

      ah... your still working on it

      you're a rare brony.

      from other stories, very few writers do tell if they are still on it.

      please finish, it sounds like an awesome story!

      ReplyDelete
    161. JimperatorDecember 16, 2011 at 8:32 PM

      Oh man I'm so glad I checked back up on this. I was getting really bummed out thinking this was abandoned.

      @Aldea Donder

      Seriously, take all the time you need and then some. It's great just knowing and being updated on the story. That's all we loyal readers can ask for.

      ReplyDelete
    162. ShamrockerDecember 25, 2011 at 4:35 PM

      In Rainbow Dash's words: WHAT THE HAY! That was AMAZING I read mommy nearest first. And then Alicorn.

      ReplyDelete
    163. Ignacio SantacruzFebruary 4, 2012 at 9:55 AM

      Man the wait is killing me I hope is not abandoned. While I don't like that Mr Pie is her dad, I would like to see RD's reaction to her new position of power. Specially the Wonderbolts, since she is a princess either she gets in duo to position, or rejected by being an alicorn. That won't do good to her relationship with Celestia.

      ReplyDelete
    164. DiamondTiaraFebruary 9, 2012 at 11:52 PM

      I really like this story plz continue it

      ReplyDelete
    165. XenotypeMarch 18, 2012 at 9:21 AM

      UpdatePlz.jpg

      ReplyDelete
    166. DiamondTiaraMarch 25, 2012 at 9:13 PM

      I love this story plz make more

      ReplyDelete
    167. Aldea DonderApril 1, 2012 at 1:09 AM

      i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry

      New contact email address: aldeadonder@gmail.com

      ReplyDelete
    168. Starcat5April 1, 2012 at 5:22 PM

      Oh dear Faust, I had actually forgotten about this one.

      *Reads*

      ReplyDelete
    169. UnknownApril 1, 2012 at 5:26 PM

      Finally! An update!*Squee*

      ReplyDelete
    170. CodeLuxorApril 1, 2012 at 5:39 PM

      Oh god, it's one of my favourites. I've been waiting 6 months for this and it's finally up!

      ReplyDelete
    171. Ignacio SantacruzApril 1, 2012 at 7:51 PM

      Please don't be a joke...

      ReplyDelete
    172. DPV111April 1, 2012 at 8:03 PM

      Great! An Update! Reading! Exclamation point!

      ReplyDelete
    173. TenchiFreak5April 1, 2012 at 8:14 PM

      And so, it begins.




      I want to type out a big, long comment of praise, but my mind is still trying to process that.

      ReplyDelete
    174. TenchiFreak5April 1, 2012 at 8:48 PM

      'Kay. Thought about it for a bit.

      Ending aside (and the attack on the train station was really nicely done, describing just enough of it to build the scene but not so much that it ruined the impact), there was so much happier stuff in the chapter to love too. Rainbow spending her new found powers continuing to cause mischief for the Royal Guard by being her awesome self was awesome, and the story eventually commenting on how much trouble she was causing in a negative light was very well done. Especially when it became clear just how little regard she had for her own safety when she didn't know it was in danger. I also really liked the race between her and Celly, as it was a lovely little piece of heartwarming that showed how strong Celly wants the bond between them to be. The bit with Philomena built off of it nicely as well.


      Also, the reintroduction of Twilight into the story was done masterfully, with her increasing horror as her knowledge of Rainbow's antics standing out in particular. It was also really fun to get Twilight's perspective on all the mayhem and destruction she had been causing.






      I was getting pretty strong vibes that regardless of how much Whitehoof attempted to alleviate Twi's concerns, the rest of the Mane 6 are in real and immediate danger, especially with the viciousness of the actions of those New Lunar Republic douchebags. The story also did a very good job building the tone, because when you think about it for a bit even some throwaway lines do a good job of building up just how much tension is in the air where you may not have noticed it on a quick thumb-through.

      ReplyDelete
    175. Jason ShadowApril 1, 2012 at 9:24 PM

      Ooh! Update?
      *Reads Chapter 3*
      ...
      ...
      ...Mother of Celestia...

      ReplyDelete
    176. SebialeApril 1, 2012 at 9:36 PM

      Did this thing just take a turn into grimdark territory?
      DO NOT WANT!

      ReplyDelete
    177. TundraApril 1, 2012 at 9:41 PM

      Well, at least this update isn't part of a joke.
      Wow.
      That's a lot of new information and events.
      I didn't think this could be expanded any further. Boy, was I wrong.

      ReplyDelete
    178. Trauma2000April 1, 2012 at 10:13 PM

      Dat ending.

      ReplyDelete
    179. Edward GarbadeApril 1, 2012 at 11:07 PM

      Well, so much for sleeping tonight. That last scene is probably one of the best pieces of literature I've read recently in terms of tearing at the heartstrings. Masterfully done.

      Only one small comment - This should probably get a [DARK] tag.

      ReplyDelete
    180. AnonymousApril 1, 2012 at 11:20 PM

      Oh man, if SweetieBelle gets offed, I'll NEVER forgive.

      ReplyDelete
    181. DiamondTiaraApril 1, 2012 at 11:58 PM

      I rely like
      this story plz make more

      ReplyDelete
    182. AnonymousApril 2, 2012 at 1:31 AM

      I've been dying for an update on this one for ages. May I suggest moving the story to fimfiction.com? Their update notification system is a peach.

      ReplyDelete
    183. Ignacio SantacruzApril 2, 2012 at 4:00 AM

      So, Nightmare Moon cultists? Hmmm well that one has been done before, specially with Past Sins. Let's hope this has a spin to it.

      I never really understood the reasoning behind such cults in mlp fictions. Celestia pretty much gives them utopia and they want a frozen night world?

      God Tristan is such a douche. Then again I hate things like nobility, bunch of losers clinging to the glory of their ancestors, while they haven't earned the position.

      My guess:

      The gardener is Atlas.

      Hope the next update won't take 6 months+ :P

      ReplyDelete
    184. The Illustrious QApril 2, 2012 at 4:48 AM

      Well this was well worth the wait. :)

      Definitely getting a very strong Boothby from the caretaker. I wonder if that is a requirement of all gardeners to be wise and snippy with young impressionable minds. XD

      ReplyDelete
    185. BenApril 2, 2012 at 7:19 AM

      This story has entered epic territory. The feeling of adventure and "awesomeness" that this story has given me has not been experienced by me since I have read the Harry Potter or Eragon series. Simply brilliant, this story really made my week.

      ReplyDelete
    186. MelodiaApril 2, 2012 at 9:02 AM

      Surprised I never commented on this one before, as it was an early favorite...

      But yeesh, yet another story seems to take a left turn into the silly-dark territory. Its very well written as others have said, but I hope it's not going to be as bad as it could, as it were...

      ReplyDelete
    187. SatoshiKyuApril 2, 2012 at 9:59 AM

      ... This one would dearly love to set the heathen, Tristar, on fire. To hate Princess Dash is to hate life itself, so surely he would not object to his ritualized destruction...

      ReplyDelete
    188. GodApril 2, 2012 at 11:04 AM

      Much as I like the story, my inner nitpicker wouldn't let me be unless I pointed out that ponys lack both arms and fingers, and in all probability don't have churches.

      ReplyDelete
    189. CodeLuxorApril 2, 2012 at 12:54 PM

      I thought that chapter was bloody amazing. Incredibly well written, with a host of beautifully played out scenes, interesting character development...

      And then it became truly dark right at the end. I knew already that there would be a turn towards something not quite so normal, but Sweetie Belle... and the Anti-Celestia cult making their mark with an act of terror so dark that I was left sweating after reading it.

      Very powerful stuff, this, and I have no idea how long we have to wait for the next instalment. If it's as good as this though, then another 6 month wait might possibly be worth it.


      @TenchiFreak5

      I know it must be increasingly difficult for Celly to wear a genuine smile when her principality is under a great, and relatively unknown threat. But making time for Dash like that must have lightened her burden, albeit temporarily. Celly passing Philomena over to Dash was just so heartwarming, I just felt pure joy reading that part. Loved it.

      I was hoping another Mane Six character showing up would make things more interesting, and it really did. Getting Twilight involved of all ponies appears to be a good move too, what with her view on RD's actions in Canterlot, plus her relationship with Whitehoof was made clear, and will most likely develop further in future chapters.

      ReplyDelete
    190. MultiversityApril 2, 2012 at 1:26 PM

      Hey, I just realized, is Tristar named after that old movie company? The one with the pegasus logo?

      ReplyDelete
    191. SebialeApril 2, 2012 at 4:23 PM

      A liontaur? Like part-human, part-lion?

      ReplyDelete
    192. Derpy DragonApril 2, 2012 at 5:10 PM

      The end of chapter 3 I found somewhat terrifying. The moment I read "A lavender-maned white filly bounced through the crowd with stars in her eyes, barely able to keep a lid on her excitement." a small voice in my head said. "Wait a min... Sweetie Belle NOOOooooooo....." In my mind, the rest of it played out like a train derailment in slow motion. Knowing what is going to happen next but unable to do anything about it.
      I will be following this one.

      ReplyDelete
    193. Sam RichardsonApril 2, 2012 at 6:24 PM

      How do I track or follow this story. I want to be alerted somehow if and when new chapters Come out.

      ReplyDelete
    194. Dusty the Royal JanitorApril 2, 2012 at 8:32 PM

      Okay, you know what? I love this story. I really do. But if you just killed Sweetie Belle and her parents, then I'm going to have to track you down and punch you repeatedly in the stomach because that's just cruel. (Especially since the story only has a 'normal' tag and it's kinda sorta against the rules to do something like that without a grimdark tag. As it is this probably deserves a regular dark)

      That said, it feels great to be reading this story again. As I've said in the past, this is one of the greatest fics on the site and it's a shame that it updates so slowly. I understand taking so long to make sure everything turns out well but come on... it's been like six or seven months since chapter 2!

      And after that cliffhanger, I really do hope you're not going to make us wait THAT long again. Seriously, leaving us on the edge of our seat like that? For shame.

      Love the story. Love it to pieces. Keep it up, and please PLEASE update more frequently. Please?

      ReplyDelete
    195. derpy dash typhlosionApril 2, 2012 at 8:44 PM

      wow..... this is really good! i dont usually praise fanfics as most stink. but the writing and the storyline and because rainbow dash, this.... this is nearly on par with EoP!!! just much much MUCH shorter :P

      ReplyDelete
    196. OrionApril 3, 2012 at 8:51 AM

      What is it with authors lately and abusing/killing sweetie bell! Just why! Great chapter though. Wish this updated more freacuently.

      ReplyDelete
    197. The Illustrious QApril 3, 2012 at 3:52 PM

      @God

      During Hearts and Hooves Day there was a pony Priest running a funeral during the song. The priest is the old Pony that Sweetie Bell sings "This one's too old."

      ReplyDelete
    198. Aldea DonderApril 3, 2012 at 5:36 PM

      Whether the fic falls in “epic territory” or “silly-dark territory,” I leave up to the reader to decide. The final scenes of this chapter weren’t the most difficult to write, but I did have a lengthy internal debate about what would be acceptable and what would be going too far. Ultimately, I decided to give the chapter what I like to call the “Past Sins Pass,” why which I mean I compared it to Past Sins and all the dark, unhappy stuff in that fic. I don’t think I’ve crossed the line of ponies being stabbed, beaten within an inch of their lives, or trotted out for public execution yet, but I will admit, the ending to this one probably doesn’t land far from the mark.

      Where Past Sins is concerned, let me say this. I love Past Sins. I adore it. I think it’s a great story, one of my top two favorites on this site (along with The Night that Never Ended). It’s an extremely powerful piece, and I admire Pen Stroke and Batty Gloom for being able to crank it out so damn fast.

      It did not, however, influence Alicorn or its story arc. Every plot development you read, I contrived before A New Beginning was posted. That was July 7th of last year. Past Sins didn’t hit the scene until July 18th.

      Damn, that seems like forever ago, doesn’t it?

      I was actually a little chagrined the first time I read Past Sins and noticed the similarities between it and what I had planned for this fic. It’s all purely coincidental. No, I’m not going to do what Past Sins did over again. Yes, there will be a twist to it. And most importantly, I want to reassure everyone that the heart of this story—the relationship between Rainbow Dash and Celestia—will always be center-stage. The “Equestria in peril” bent wouldn’t be a part of this fic at all if it weren’t necessary for me to build up that relationship and explore certain ideas, which are pivotal to it.

      If anyone dislikes that, then I advise you to read the unrevised versions of chapters one and two and pretend the story ended right after that. I did mention I made revisions to chapters one and two, right?

      @Sam Richardson

      You can drop me an email and I’ll make sure you get a notification when it updates. I’ll probably be submitting it to FiMFiction.com and Fanfiction.net here shortly as well, and I know they do story updates.

      I always appreciate the feedback. Thanks to everyone who’s reviewed. It’s what's kept me going these last few months, even when life got hard.

      No, I don't intend the next chapter to take six months. If it ever takes that long again, Dusty, you have every right to track me down and punch me.

      ReplyDelete
    199. BenApril 4, 2012 at 9:59 PM

      I demand that this story be promoted to six stars.

      @Aldea Donder
      I demand this story be posted on fimfiction for easy tracking.

      chop chop!

      ReplyDelete
    200. GodApril 5, 2012 at 5:32 AM

      @The Illustrious Q

      http://teamedo.deviantart.com/art/Funeral-in-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-285876681

      The stallion in question is wearing what in Christianity would be a clerical collar. For us to believe he is a priest we would need to know that Christianity exists in Equestria, and so far as I am aware there are no other Christian symbols.

      ReplyDelete

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