Author: Albatross
Description: Applejack and Big Macintosh train with the secretive Equestrian Military. Upon returning home, a bomb is set off in Sweet Apple Acres. What will result from this?Equestria: The Fires of War
Equestria: The Fires of War Chapter 2
Equestria: The Fires of War Chapter 3
Equestria: The Fires of War Chapter 4
Equestria: The Fires of War Chapter 5
Equestria: The Fires of War Chapter 6 (Complete)
37 kommentaari:
Link to the story is broken.
VastaKustutafixed
VastaKustutaOk, I promised you a comment in the thread but couldn't find you.
VastaKustutaSo far, this story is just not my cup of tea. I can tell you're going for a war story, obviously, and as such you keep the pace fast, the sentences choppy. It makes the story feel almost like a military communication, which is a nice touch. However, the violence and swearing (again, in line with a war story, I get that) just don't endear me to the story.
Also, there are a few typos in the story. You may want to look over it again to clean those up.
Overall, I can tell you care about this story, and I think you will do a great job with it. It's just not the type of story I tend to enjoy very much.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaI've been pecking at those typos a bit. I derped hard when I called Starstreak both a guy and gal. I fixed that error very quickly.
Thanks for reading, anyway.
"5 out of 30"
VastaKustutanonnonon its "1 out of 6"
im ok with a pony military, but this survival ratio of training is silly
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaUnderstandable argument(Thanks for the math, fixing that now)
But think about it. The country needs the absolute elite to protect the great country.
Unrealistic standards, you might say, but again, think. The only way to even learn about them is to be recommended by an Equestrian guard or Celestia herself. Their armor (Which will be described some in Chapter 2) is thick and expensive, therefore they cannot make many.
A soldier capable of killing 4 enemies out of every engagement is more valuable then one who can only kill 0.6 enemies.
yeah, but you cant keep it secret AND have tens of ponies "disappear" every year from their families and friends. Ponies will start asking questions. Pony questions.
VastaKustutabut whatever will see how it goes in next chapters
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaTrue, true. Wonder if I can work a scandal into a later chapter.
Also, Ch.2 is almost done.
@Albatross !!z0yT7Pqnr y
VastaKustutaI'm just going to say, that makes absolutely no sense.
So they need the absolute elite to defend Equestria.... so if you don't pass you die? Why the hell would anyone sign up for that? Why not use magic bullets or something so they can take the training course and not get owned?
Also, I feel that you could change the setting to D-day and change the names around a bit and you would have a recreation of one of the biggest fights in WW2.
But who am I to critique. It was interesting.
@lumpfish1
VastaKustutaShit, read the second chapter.
Probably more up your alley.
Speaking of which, it just so happens to be broken.
VastaKustutaHope that isn't an every-post thing.
Hmm. Since the link hasn't been fixed yet, here is a direct URL, hopefully it'll take some pressure off of Blog Brony.
VastaKustutahttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1EAPNf6ho1FqNway0lPZxUwrY1ZhtK13bjAouo2izgiw/edit?hl=en&authkey=CMzL6RA
It's blogger, it likes to randomly put WWW.BLOGGER.COM in front of hyperlinks, making me have to go back in and edit them.
VastaKustutaIt also randomly happens when I edit a post and don't even touch the hyperlink, I think thats the case here cause it worked initially.
This story's a bit depressing, although no major characters have died yet (besides BM). I get the feeling AJ won't make it, though. Not sure what to think about it, I like it, but some of the logic doesn't make sense, like killing off those who aren't strong enough. Maybe recruit the weaker ones into leadership roles or backup soldiers rather than killing them.
VastaKustutaTip for the author:
VastaKustutaUse military time formatting as opposed to AM/PM. Drove me nuts reading this.
(military brony)
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaI feel ya. I was tempted to use a 24-hour clock format but I was afraid It'd confuse a few people. Maybe I'll use both later.
Was wondering when the wonderbolts were going to show up and goddamn they didn't disappoint.
VastaKustuta>mfw top gun shows up
VastaKustutaoh lawdy.
please do a part 2, this story was awesome!
VastaKustutaWoah, woah, woah, woah woah. Big Mac and Applejack are the only survivors of the entire battalion?
VastaKustutaA battalion is 300-1000 people. It's gonna be suspicious as Hell if hundreds of ponies all go missing or have giant accidents all around the same time.
@Anonymous
VastaKustutaI thought I may have used the wrong word. Thanks for the tip, Anon, fixed.
when will chapter 5 be out
VastaKustutaIs this story abandoned?
VastaKustutaI hope not
VastaKustutaThe final chapter is currently under production. It should be released before Monday.
VastaKustutaWell then...chapter 5...dat cliffhanger. Looking forward to the end.
VastaKustutaWell good, the twist in Ch 5 made sitting through the rest worth it. The other four parts were WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too fast honestly. Just as we get our hopes up for something, it's either shot or a scene change, you need more then three lil paragraphs per scene...
VastaKustutaCuriosity = peaked though, will pay attention to the rest.
Michael Bay + MLP?
VastaKustutai was hoping there would be a finish, i was worried you had just quit on it.
VastaKustutamight need to reread the first chapters to remember whats going on
Ok, it was already not great, at all, but it got worst...
VastaKustuta>Applejack was interrupted by the sound of Rarity’s skull being shattered
(Sigh)... Oh hi, blam, dead... Really ?
Quite poorly handled, I say.
Oh my God! They killed Rarity! You bastards!
VastaKustutaOK. Pacing. This story has none. Everything is fast, fast, fast. While that helps contribute to a choppy kind of frantic war communication, it also keeps us from caring about any of the deaths we see. You would do better to stop and focus on describing some things. Some of the attacks and deaths seem to come out of nowhere.
VastaKustutaSecondly, the casualty lists are ridiculous for almost any kind of war. As a general rule, even the most gruesome military defeats only kill about ten to twenty percent of the soldiers, and thirty to fifty percent are wounded. You have more than half of the invading pony army DEAD before they even reach the shore. Also, we are less inclined to care about losing large numbers of nameless ponies than we are about say, Big Macintosh. Remember, killing one man is murder, killing millions is a statistic.
Finally, the inclusion of the humans was really weird. They're like a dues ex machina, rendering the tribulations of Applejack into nothingness. They also don't fit the tone of the MLP universe.
All in all, I saw promise in where you were going or I wouldn't have read all of it. Keep up the effort, but edit your stories in the future far more ruthlessly to keep us emotionally invested and mentally entertained.
I gotta say, this last part felt rushed. Not bad, but just rushed. I't bittersweet to see this story end, especially since it partially inspired me to write PonyNoir.
VastaKustutaAll said and done, I liked this last chapter, but it could have been handled a little better.
My advice? Make the Fight between Dash and Gilda a little longer and more meaningful. Explain AJ's pain at loosing Rarity, and have an epilogue that deals with the aftermath of the war.
I am not hating on this and loving it. Why you may ask?
VastaKustutaI am imagining this as being retold from a survivor of the war. You know how they always like to exagerate things.
The chapters, however, seemed too short though.
- Bongo
>Killing of Rarity
VastaKustutaHow could you?
It's...ok. I can tell you've got a story to tell, but I'm not sure you did the best job with it. The humans came from nowhere and pretty much made the pony sacrifices meaningless. You might want to work on word choice, as there's a couple of places where words like 'sky' or 'Celestia' get repeated again and again (for the latter, mix it up with princess, or ruler, or use different descriptive adjectives). My biggest problem was tense changes though. Try and stay contant. You have a couple sentences where present and past tense are mixed, and it's rather distracting. Clean it up, and this might become a fanfic of note.
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