Author: Nathan
Description: Diligent Mail Pony Bright Eyes returns from her deliveries one day to discover a strange box and a stranger pony in her garden. No sooner do they make each others' acquaintance then a mechanical army threatens to overtake Ponyville and conquer all of Equestria! Can the Doctor and Bright Eyes overcome the Cyberponies and defeat their mysterious leader, the Robot Unicorn?Doctor Whoof- Mechanical Harmony
Doctor Whoof- Mechanical Harmony Part 2 (New!)
Additional Tags: Sci-fi, clever, funny, action
24 comments:
Very nice, I needs more of this..
ReplyDeleteNice, I'm looking forward to the next installment.
ReplyDeleteBTW, you misspelled know as now....
hey, not bad at all. I love the "Year of the sun/year of the twins" bit, that was really clever. is it ok if i use that in the story i write?
ReplyDeletekeep it up!
@Anonymous #3
ReplyDeleteGo ahead and use it!
Moar!
ReplyDeleteYes! Do want more!
ReplyDeleteA good start.
ReplyDeleteWell, what did they see?! You're killing me here!
ReplyDeleteOh my, finally this is updated!
ReplyDeleteI'll read it tomorrow, need to get to bed now.
Is Dr. Whooves speaking french in the image? Cool.
ReplyDeleteAwesome chapter!
ReplyDeleteATTACK!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWell, in the series with David Tennent he always said that.
Also Robot Unicorn, attacks??
Wait a sec, that wait..
ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK
Would help if you had a short recap at the beginning of the new one. I had completely forgotten what this fic was again. ^^
ReplyDeleteBut yay, Doctor Whooves! I'll be happily waiting for more! <3
@Beese
ReplyDeleteAnd suddenly the title of the fic and the motivation of the Cyberponies makes all the more sense...
What tiiiiiiiiime is it?
ReplyDeleteIt's Critical Review Tiem! (yay)
*SPOILERS*
First off, let me just ask, what kinda jerk starts a Doctor Who/MLP crossover and then leaves it alone for months at a time?! Oh yeah, I did that... Well, then that's completely forgivable! Moving on!
The first thing I wanna say, is you need to work on SHOWING not TELLING. I feel like I'm missing all the good parts! Everything's cruising along and then Derpy meets the Doctor and then it's all "and then they got to know each other and became friends as she showed him around town". I can only speak for myself, but I'd REALLY like to know what happened there. What did they talk about, what did the Doctor have to say about Ponyville, what did Derpy have to say to the Doctor? Then the story says "and oh yeah there was a party" and then we're at a party, but at least there you slow down and start telling the story properly. Id actually suggest, if you wanted to skip the tour of Ponyville to SKIP THE TOUR OF PONYVILLE, just START at the party and have Derpy meet our enigmatic Doctor there.
This is a lot better in part two, I still feel like I miss out on stuff (especially in regard to the Doctor and Derpy's escape and following of the captured ponies), but at least I'm seeing all the character interaction this time around. The way things end in a cliffhanger and deadly danger at the end of each chapter puts me in mind of the days when Doctor Who was a serial, so that's a nice touch.
Next up, let's talk narration. Part 1 is pretty bad in places with the author referring to himself about how he's writing this and referring to the reader directly. That's REALLY distracting and pulls me completely out of the story. Fortunately, the second part does away with that and goes about in the usual fashion in which one tells a story.
Let's talk about our mains, the guy and gal we don't know from watching My Little Pony. Let's talk about the Doctor and Derpy Hooves (here called the more respectable Bright Eyes). The Doctor is exactly what anyone who's watched Doctor Who would expect of him. He's brash, he's odd, he's heroic in his way, and he's quite charming and all that comes across very nicely... in part 2. The first part's characterization suffers because we're introduced to him and then proceeds to hop around until it slows down enough for him to talk.
As for Bright Eyes... I don't get a lot of character from her. She has a bit of wit here and there as well as a hint of eccentricity, but she hasn't been given anything to DO yet. She hasn't done anything to prove herself a good companion for him other than show him around town.
Now let's talk about our nasties, the villains, the cyberponies! They are VERY them and you give them such a rich and menacing description that I'm sure even those not too familiar with Doctor Who lore would be able to picture what we're dealing with here. And as someone who IS familiar, I didn't feel like you were wasting my time in the way you presented them, so smiles all around. Also it's a nice twist that they're converting everyone to spread what they call LOVE and HARMONY.
As for their boss, the Robot Unicorn... we'll have to see what he/it does before I can make too much of a judgment. But I do worry it might get a bit too silly just for the sake of a pop culture gag.
So there we are! A rather rocky start that got a LOT better in the second chapter. There's a great story in here, you just need to take the time to tell it to us. For now, I look forward to the next chapter.
@Pacce Wow A competent yet caring critic... I'm Impressed and from many of your points you've proven yourself competent. I agree with you on characterization btw, it suffered a lot, also did they seem static to me. Dialogue was only okay, but I liked the plot.
ReplyDelete^ I stepped away for a while thats why I said your competent twice my bad.
ReplyDeleteFinally a MLP/RUA crossover!
ReplyDelete(Will Rainbow Dash be seduced to the dark side?)
Christopher Eccleston lives! In Pony form but he still lives.
ReplyDeleteOh Please continue this so awesome!
ReplyDeleteMore please!
ReplyDeleteMore of this!
ReplyDeleteUm... the first link no longer works :(
ReplyDelete